It's eating me up..

[drf408]

More just a rant than anything as I know what I've done wrong and all. But it still eats me up pretty bad sometimes when on the rare occasion that I meet a girl I'd have genuine interest in and we actually really click and then it ends up doing a 180 over the stupidest things..such as "losing alpha male", bad text, 1 date being passive etc. The girl I just lost was totally clicking with me, hell she was drunk texting me on NYE, then she has no interest at all. Ugh.
I know i did things that brought this on but it is amazing how fragile your standing with women, in the beginning. So I dropped it, not going to txt or call and already working other things but it still sucks especially since I liked this one and the only other things i have going on are pretty much good for one thing only.

 

[WC2]

What's eating you up? This girl? No.

Your own emptiness. Your loneliness. Give me any man who feels lonely and I'll match him with a woman who he suddenly is 'genuinely' interested in. It's bullsh!t.

Well, maybe it's not bullsh!t, however for every woman you believe you have a genuine interest in, there's a sea of at least 10,000 more, who believe it or not are very alike.

I'm not saying all women are alike, but it's always important to remember there is not 'one' or even ten unique women. There's always going to be others LIKE HER.

If you didn't let your need for women fill your gap of loneliness, then you wouldn't be eating yourself up.

If you kept yourself busy with close friends, hobbies, and aspirations, the this gap of loneliness would be filled much better.

You'll also notice that those who aren't worried about women are the ones who always end up with women who love them. This is because women feel the need to 'want' us, not the other way around. Yes, women want to be enjoyed by us, but they don't want us sweating over them. It's a huge turn off.

I suggest you gear down a little bit. You sound very desperate to land a woman right now, while everyone knows that it always happens when you least expect/want it. It's almost always that way. All my girl friends have come along at times in my life where I WASN'T LONELY. I didn't need a woman, however she needed me. And this is why it worked. I enjoyed her company and she needed mine. Fabulous.

Fill the loneliness gap with more meaningful things and then attract the women to yourself, naturally.

 

[drf408]

VERY good reply WC2. For the most part pretty accurate too. Ever been there yourself? I am upset that I blew it with this girl, despite there being tons like her it still is not often that you do run into one you like however normally I would just learn and move on without being to bothered. You are right about the desperate thing, hard to admit, I am not desperate for just a woman as I usually have plenty around. I am wanting a connection and its why I am letting situations like this eat at me and why I get so weird when I do come across a girl I like, its like I have an added pressure.
I do keep myself busy, hang with friends, have hobbies, but the enjoyment I have gotten from them has been less than usual. I think I spend so much time going through the hoops of dating girls I don't really have interest in that its just wearing on me. I think its become a way of self validation which can't be healthy at all. You are correct again, I should focus on other aspects of my life, and if I'm not into a girl move on. I'm not saying I want a girlfriend but I've put myself in a very shallow place for some time. And your also right yet again that am not going to land the kind of woman I want while in this state of mind.
I live a good life and I try to use that to keep myself grounded, I appreciate as much as I can. I have a good job, live in a nice high rise condo, no debt other than a car payment, some good friends, maybe not as much as I had at one point but I relocated about 5 years ago but still a few real good ones. I guess I'm experiencing side effects of my life, its the choices I made. I am going to withdraw from dating girls that I have no real interest in, its basically a really dragged out one night stand essentially. I'll aim to date women I have interest in while trying to focus on the other aspects of my life. I was thinking about this a lot over the past couple of days and realized I'm in a really bad place.

 

[WC2]

VERY good reply WC2. For the most part pretty accurate too. Ever been there yourself? I am upset that I blew it with this girl, despite there being tons like her it still is not often that you do run into one you like however normally I would just learn and move on without being to bothered. You are right about the desperate thing, hard to admit, I am not desperate for just a woman as I usually have plenty around. I am wanting a connection and its why I am letting situations like this eat at me and why I get so weird when I do come across a girl I like, its like I have an added pressure.
I do keep myself busy, hang with friends, have hobbies, but the enjoyment I have gotten from them has been less than usual. I think I spend so much time going through the hoops of dating girls I don't really have interest in that its just wearing on me. I think its become a way of self validation which can't be healthy at all. You are correct again, I should focus on other aspects of my life, and if I'm not into a girl move on. I'm not saying I want a girlfriend but I've put myself in a very shallow place for some time. And your also right yet again that am not going to land the kind of woman I want while in this state of mind.
I live a good life and I try to use that to keep myself grounded, I appreciate as much as I can. I have a good job, live in a nice high rise condo, no debt other than a car payment, some good friends, maybe not as much as I had at one point but I relocated about 5 years ago but still a few real good ones. I guess I'm experiencing side effects of my life, its the choices I made. I am going to withdraw from dating girls that I have no real interest in, its basically a really dragged out one night stand essentially. I'll aim to date women I have interest in while trying to focus on the other aspects of my life. I was thinking about this a lot over the past couple of days and realized I'm in a really bad place.

The funny thing is that we as men don't always know what kind of women we're interested in.

You're not going to 'hit it off' with every girl that you go on a few dates with right away.

In fact, I dated my last girlfriend off and on for 4 months before I even thought I was interested in her.

She kept coming back to me and chipping away at me because I DID make her earn it. Hell, I didn't even take her out to dinner till she told me she loved me 5 months in to seeing her.

Women have a 6th sense when it comes to neediness. Even if we are really not that needy, if we show that we need a woman by the 2nd or 3rd date, usually they'll take a step back or bail, too worried that you're too easy for her.

And the sad part is that after 2 or 3 dates, it's really hard to tell whether we want to be with this woman or not. It takes months to really see how a woman acts in all situations and whether or not we can deal with them in a relationship.

You're simply not getting to this stage because her 6th sense is kicking in and sensing that you may want something more than she does (whether it's true or not).

This is why keeping 2 - 3 girls around to date all the time is such a good practice. It allows you to distance yourself from each one of them, while still observing what kind of people they are. It's not like you two are together, so she really should have no say in who else you are dating at the time.

After a long while if you feel she is worthy for relationship material, don't stop what you're doing. Don't stop seeing other women until she POPs the question on you. If you start acting seriously with a woman before she confesses her love to you or asks you to get more serious with her, then she will always have the power and will freely leave you to seek other men.

 

[everywomanshero]

OP,

I think you're suffering from caring WAY too much. Like the other guy said, she's not the last woman on earth, there will be more.

Second, I would strongly suggest reconsidering the idea that you need to micromanage your every thought and action least something you do turn off a woman. In fact, that's exactly what will cause you to turn them off more oft than not. You've got to let go and be free to express yourself. Life is too short to be living for someone else, and I've found that people are generally more desirable when they feel confident enough to not need to act a certain way to try and get some kind of result.

In short, let go and enjoy the ride. It will actually be a lot wilder if you don't try to control everything that happens IME.

 

[Squidward]

Everywomanshero and WC2 both make excellent points. There is too much fun to be had in life apart from worrying about girls. This is something I myself am trying to mend myself, as little things on some occasions get me thinking too much, and this is a quality you really don't what yourself to be part of. As said, there is tons of girls out there who'd love to meet you .

 

[Serg897]

This is a good thread.

drf408, I was in a similar situation a few months ago (something that I posted about on here and WC2 knows about).

I haven't had much trouble attracting women lately. I definitely have hobbies and many things going for me in my life (Im applying to grad school, etc). But when I started seeing this girl a few months ago, I got severely infatuated because I saw so many good things about her - more than most other girls I've seen in the past. This led to my downfall - I got emotionally invested, turned AFC, desperate, etc - and her interest in me steadily declined. In retrospect this is obvious, but I just didn't see it happening at the time.

Now that Im on break for a few weeks with lots of free time, this realization does bother me - especially since right now Im not busy! The whole experience was extremely painful for me. But I see it as a lesson, above all else. Never again will I let this happen to me. This is how you should see it too.

 

[drf408]

You all are dead on. . I'm coming to realize though that I'm more dissapointed by myseld in situations like that. And as far as worrying about women, I've let become too much of what I'm about without realizing it. WC2 was correct in its not so much the girl. And Serg897, you remind me of a thread I came across yesterday on this site, the issue when you find a girl and deem her "diff". For the most part they are not different, as the poster put it "they may have different traits, characteristics etc." but all will react the same to specific behavior.
The best example is when a guy comes across as needy (even if he isnt). I am super guilty of doing this, I deemed her "different", but no she wasn't which is why I failed. She had traits and interests that made her more stand out, but she was no different, and I should've acted that way. Just let her build attraction to me, which I was happening until I felt that feeling take over that (maybe insecurity, self doubt?) that I really had to press this forward. I do need to worry more about women and put myself in situations I want to be in. I just spent 1/2 an hour on the phone with a girl with a personality sooo bad I was going to have a panic attack, why? so I can get laid tomorrow. Just not healthy, there are enough women out there for sure...

 

[tmac15]

Wow this is a really good post. Let me chime in with my 2 cents because I can relate. A reflection of this past year and about how this post has helped me.

I was in a relationship that ended last Janurary of 08'. It wasn't that long of a relationship three months or so. I got in it even knowing the person really wasn't what I wanted. There was a long gap between her and my prior girlfriend and I was lonely. I felt like a total jackass leading her on and breaking up with her the way I did. So this past year I made a commitment that I wouldn't get with a girl until she was everything I wanted.

I recently counted last week on my phone of 13 phone numbers I was able to get, this is not a self loathing or patronizing post it's more of a reflection. The numbers didn't lead too much, some phone conversations, some texting, 2 dates out of the 13 numbers. Very lonely, this past year.

About a few weeks ago I went out a date with this girl I really liked. I liked her so much I pictured a future with her even before the first date. I even made up some story about how I got tix to a show from work just so I could hang out with her. Since then she lost interest, and I've been kicking myself daily for the missteps I made and the things I've could of done differently during the date. Seriously, thought about calling her and making up some story again so we could hangout again. After reading this post it's made me realize to forget that girl. If she doesn't want to hangout or be part of my life it's her lost. A man needs to have SELF WORTH!! I'm a good person and the only way I'm going to find an equally genuine person is if I'm confident in myself and happy with myself. Trust me it's hard to wake up everyday with that attitude, especially when you feel like your running out of time. I'm 27 years old and single and in no way a DJ. I've only recently learned through experience, books, and this website on how to talk to girls and approach them. And no longer will I put girls on a pedestal, they should want me as much as I want them and that is the only way it's gonna work.

Thanks guys for this post it's really opened up my eyes!!

 

[drf408]

Exactly. Also one thing that at I believe is a challenge, generally speaking, women are FAR more irrational then men. We tend to be very logical for the most part, this girl and I even had a discussion on dating, and it's probably harder on women in my area than men. Given this, she clearly liked me, we clicked so far really well, yet 1 little thing that makes them start thinking and you're screwed, they feel you need them even though u really dont'..you accidentally kiss them on the cheek instead of the lips one morning..anything can lead to them pulling away, you ask too many times to go out, whatever it takes very little. They are at times their own worst enemies. It can be frustrating for us more than anything.
I'm logical to a fault! So I just run it through my head..wow 2 dates in 5 days, she was drunk texting to c me NYE..her saying how we should do that and this on our last date...i just sucks period. It's not logical in our minds..usually yes, it was our fault for it happening because we put out the wrong vibe, it's the way it is. Just have to move on.
The trick is to not fall in these traps and that prob takes a bit of practice, catching the early warning signs and stopping yourself from doing what you already know is the wrong thing to do. As WC2 pointed out, I have been trying to make myself happy with women, I have not been happy to be honest for a while but this is in no way an attempt to boast, because I WAS NOT HAPPY, I have been at an extreme with women, they come very easily, to the point that my friends tell me my life is not ordinary but I never end up with what I REALLY WANT, and that is my fault. To be honest I'm still allowing myself to be bothered by this girl, but Im just doing what I normally do and not going to be a sap and contact her, it will QUICKLY pass and I need to focus on other things than women.

 

[drf408]

Also be stronger than me lol. I F&$*& up, I sent her a txt, to which she responded, it was casual stuff, a few back and forth, so then i really broke down and sent her one asking when shes free (actually i used the context of the earlier txts and made it kind of light and humorous). Long delay for that response - "I just got off my doublw shift. I've been working everyday and have a trip next week so I will let you know when I finally have a day off."
I know I shouldve heeded this thread..sucks because yes shes a busy girl but before I asked her out she was telling me about how she was out last night and the night before lol. Before the NYE incided she's asked me to come see her at work multiple times. Shes just that type of girl that is nice and does not want to say "I'm not interested" shes totally the type to give/take numbers because she feels bad but just not call and I think shes that way even further down the line.
This is not so much about the girl, as it is about the way I feel, and the way I feel about myself. I know the replies are go out there and work other girls, I canceled a guaranteed lay with a promotions/bikini model tonight, I have an easy 9 who going to come over with a bottle of wine over the weekend, there is usually a girl per week when I go out. This is not bragging as I am not happy at all lately, I'm in the worst funk I've been in. My intentions for this girl was just to get laid, thats it.
I did not expect to click with her, I disagree with WC2 to a small degree in that you can tell a lot about whether or not you would be interested in someone in the beginning but he is also correct in that I am desperate in a way, in this case to connect, and Its not the girl that is the problem it is me. Honestly despite how much I clicked with this chick, I would be fine about it if I hooked up with her so in the end its a self validation issue. What sucks right now is I'm feeling no interest at all towards anyone..
However to ensure I don't do this again and that I actually make use of what I've learned, I deleted her # and all texts (sent to) and have no means of contact now . Now I just need fix the areas of my live which have brought me here, starting with work and my routine

 

[Serg897]

Sounds like you have the correct mindset now. Just follow through with your promise to yourself to move on without contacting her.

You sent her a text? I've been there. Very recently. Doing exactly the same thing. Trust me, in the end, it will only delay your road to recovery. One way or another you will learn. Good thing we have this board - with me, its been a tremendous help and resource.

Like tmac15 said a few days ago, one of the things I've really realized from my recent experience is that a man needs to have self-worth. You've got to be genuinely happy with yourself in order to have a healthy relationship with a woman. You cannot be needy - you must not base your happiness on a girl you have in your life. It leads to an unhealthy attachment, something Im seriously going to avoid in the future.

 

[drf408]

Yeah, had I not deleted I am most certain that I wouldve probably ended up texting her last night while drunk lol. So that is the best way, delete and move on!