Issues with labeling

[everywomanshero]

One of the big issues that I think can hold anyone back is labeling. It could be any label but I'll just throw out one example. Let's say as a child someone is labeled as socially clumsy or shy or whatever. The person may then internalize the label and viola it becomes "who they are". It's amazingly difficult to escape the self-fuffiling prophecy that unfolds even when one knows what is going on.

The even worse thing about this personality-influencing labels is that can be covered up with enough work. The person may then experience some social success, but it's only a matter of time before the insecurities and overcompensations show through. Then they will be on here writting a post about why "she just flaked....", but I do believe this is one of the more common reasons such a thing can occur.

Because of the internalization of labels putting a bandaid on the issue is helpful, but it really isn't enough. I think it's far superior to learn how to see oneself more accurately and to have the power to really create one's own definition of self. However, for some people, the price of not dealing with the original issue might be roaming around striving to overcome a false sense of inferiority.

But question yourself for a moment what would it take to make a lasting change, a root level change that wouldn't require constant, conscious effort to maintain. The best advice I can give is to start slow and build up, consistenty over time is very important.

Some ideas:

Are you shy? Take on an extraverted role in life and it's only a matter of time before that becomes who you are and seems natural. Sales can be a good start, any sales job with lots of daily face to face interaction is good for improving timing and vibe.

Are you flat and unanimated? Almost every city has basic acting, improv, theatre, or courses that go under some subset of those keywords.

Are you terrified of talking to people? Toastmasters is pretty much everywhere. I know so many guys who have told me it wouldn't make any difference, but the few that actually tried and stuck with public speaking for 6months or more have seen a difference. It's a subtle thing that takes time, so don't expect overnight miracles.

Are you the fat kid? Well, work out! Actually do the last thing anyone would ever expect to see you doing.. drinking water and doing cardio.

The basic idea is to attack the weakest point, the most gut-wrenching labels that keep you from feeling like you just won the lottery. Sure it's tough, sure you will want to quit for the first few months, but when you stick it out you come out seeing that the labels are not indicitive of who you really are or who you ever really were. Objective reality is a rare thing when dealing with people. Doing this wil definitely help with the ladies since you will become a stronger person, but the real reason to undertake such a thing is a love for yourself and a willingness to prove to yourself that the inferiorities you think you have are really just mistaken beliefs. On the surface most people believe that's true, but I have feeling only about half of all people ever really get to know this on such a deep level that their instrinsic value doesn't have to be questioned.

 

[Kaim Argonar]

you're talking about making a root level change by the way of activities that require you to be extroverted, but isn't that just creating another label? creating another role for you to play, an environment made out of superficial interations that doesn't necessarily allow you to show others how you really are and communicate how you truly feel, elements which you must repress to no end

seems like just a masquerade that doesn't soothe anything at the root to me

when you're bogged down by labels and stereotypes, how can you desire anything but for others to like you just the way you are, without any artifices... you're not going to feel good if all that they're sympathetic for is ultimately a character that you put on display to look good and sociable

 

[MooseGod]

you're not going to feel good if all that they're sympathetic for is ultimately a character that you put on display to look good and sociable

You ever hear that line by Shakespeare?..."All the world's a stage, and we are merely players." It's true. Most people out there are acting. Sure, you may be depressed or angry or just having a bad day all around, but that's no reason to drag everybody else down around you. Every morning you have to wake up and put on your game face.

We all have problems, fears, and insecurities. The sooner you realize that, the better off you will be. These women you're trying to 'game' are probably more insecure than you are, but they're better actresses. These arrogant douchebags walking around with their chests puffed out and giving everybody death stares? Insecurity in its most transparent form.

So in order to succesfully interact with people, you need to realize that they aren't any better off than you are. The real winners are the ones that always seem like they are taking a stroll in the park. Life affects them, but they don't stress about it. It just is what it is, and they are who they are. They are secure in their identity. And that's really all it takes. Everything else is just a detail.

 

[everywomanshero]

you're talking about making a root level change by the way of activities that require you to be extroverted, but isn't that just creating another label? creating another role for you to play,

The reason to play the opposite role is that often people believe the role they currently play is who they *really* are. I want them to see they can be any other way just as easily. In fact, I do not even believe in any such thing as "who one really is" at all. The lifestyle and interests we develop is influenced by a myriad of factors. I am not suggesting everyone run around pretending to be extraverted, that was just a corrective idea for someone who has accepted being labeled shy as though it were some kind of inheritent, unchangable truth as to who they are. The root level change is a realization that one is only as bound to these labels as he allows them to define himself.

In many societies, consistency is highly valued. Remember John Kerry, he was labeled a "flip flopper", and seething insult in American society. There is a strong pressure to be consistent with "who one really is", but who one really is as explained above is arbitrary. The goal, IMO, is to couragous enough to take life and do with it what you really wish. If fears and discouragement aren't holding someone back, then great, he is living the high life! By couragous this is what I am talking about, the inner strength to take risks and be able to sleep at night, not some kind of wild risk taker who jumps infront of cars on the highway.

In essence, yes, someone could say I refuse to do anything because then I am just acting out some other role and box themselves up in a house and never come out because for heaven's sake they might be "trying to be someone else" or copy someone else's good idea. But I think there is a big difference between doing something to overcome one's insecurities and become more couragious and doing something to try getting accepted by others (always a sure way to end up dissappointed and further discouraged). I also think overcoming difficultes while seeming extrinsic is often instrinsic... here's why, the real battle is often an internal one... a disbelief in one's own power to overcome fear and insecurity... more so than whether or not it will "work" (extrinsic) or the reaction of others.

Hopefully that will clarify a little bit.

Further rambling on actions. This kind of comes down to cognitive dissonance theory. If one's actions change and are inconsistent with his beliefs, it will create cognitive dissonance. The easiest way for the person to deal with this stress (dissonance) is to change his attitude. This probably happens without any real conscious awareness, but there is a lot of good evidence to suggest that this happens. This is yet another way to make deep level changes because it's largely happening at an unconscious level even if you're aware of the process., you're just intentionally exposing yourself to allow it to happen which brings me to...

Selective exposure. People avoid dissonance via selective exposure to activities, what they read, who they talk to, etc. This only further reinforces a false sense of "this is who I really am" and prevents one from really knowing both sides of the street so to speak.

 

[everywomanshero]

One other thing I forgot to mention is minimal justification. This is why running around acting like a PU guy often fails to take root and will always be a little strange. There is a strong motivator of approval seeking. This is the justification for the action which is inconsistent with the belief system and the brain doesn't say, hey this is just who I am! No, the brain says, I'm doing this to try getting people to like me. Just another reason why it's better to integrate being social into daily personality than to go around seeking approval. But this applies to anything from feeling "dissonance" in an industry that is inconsistent with self image "I don't belong here" or anything else for that matter. How do I know this?

Because when people are given strong rewards their attitudes do not change even when the behavior is inconsistent. The brain just says, o yea I did this to get a reward. When not given rewards for the same tasks, their attitudes toward the task changed to accomodate a dissonance causing activity.