Is this too drastic just for a girl?

[crooklyncrew]

I have a question about a gift I may purchase for this girl. Let me start off from the beginning... I'll call her Jane. Not very creative but it'll do, hahaha

I met Jane in school at a college out of state and we hit it off pretty well. I talked with her either online or through text messaging (sometimes on the phone) pretty much everyday. Our personalities fit perfeclty together so I never felt like I had to try or anything. We have so much in common. Everything was just natural. Finally, after a few months of talking to her I confessed over the phone that I had feelings for her. x_x Wrong move!

On the phone she stuttered and paused for a long time and then rejected me, saying she wanted to just be friends. The only part that sucked was I had to face her the next day at school after being rejected. I brushed it off and from then on she acted as if nothing ever happened and we went back to being friends, while I still secretly had feelings for her.

Eventually the semester ended and I flew back home. Because of financial issues I wasn't able to go back but I stayed in touch with her. At this point in my life I had a few opportunities with other girls and I took a few, but they all turned out poorly. Either the girls didn't know what they wanted or they were full of games and bs.

One day I get an e-mail from Jane saying that she's going to come visit my hometown. She spends about a month down here and we pretty much hang out everyday, either with friends or alone. The whole time I was plagued with guilt of having feelings for her and scared that if I didn't tell her, anything could happen and I'd end up regretting not saying something. I'm leaving out a lot of details here but I mean it was PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS that I had feelings for her. I did a lot of things for her and went out of my way a lot more than I should have (things like cooking her dinner and breakfast a few times, letting her stay at my place for a few nights when she had nowhere to go). I know it's not the way to get a girl but I couldn't help it. She's not a fling to me and I had pretty strong feelings after knowing her for a few years so I felt it was worth it.

Anyways, the time comes for her to leave and I confess to her that I care about her. She doesn't really give me an answer or say anything. She just smiles and gets really red, and her voice changes. She says "thank you". wtf...? Later on when she goes back home we talk online and she says that she was happy for the things I did for her. She is either completely oblivious or she chooses to be. A lot of the things I did for her any normal girl would get the hint after a while.

This is how she is. Both times I confessed to her she never really rejected me flat out by saying "I don't like you, I don't see anything in you". In other words, she never made it clear that I had no chance.

A month or so passes by and I talk to her again online. The talk starts to gear towards my life and I tell her I met some new girls (which is true, two girls have started talking to me recently and making a little effort). Anyways, the topic came up in the conversation and I decided I might as well ask her how she felt. I said that if there was no future between me and her, then I might as well start trying to move on and meeting new people instead of rejecting the girls like I have been recently. She says in not so many words how "in the past" there was a time when she considered me as more than friends "a bit" but she didn't want to promise me anything. So basically, rejected again. Oh yea, she also finished off by saying she doesn't plan to get into another relationship for "3 years". Yeeep....

I'm through.

Through her comment you can tell she was still being vague like before but I decided I'm going to move on for good now. I know my qualities and what I have to offer... I know I've been putting way too much effort into this. A lot of girls wonder why I even do this, because it wouldn't have taken that much work to get to them.

Tonight I got fed up with feeling this way, deleted AIM and I decided to get down to business and focus more on things that matter to me. I got tired of always checking to see if she was online, waiting for her to IM me (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!), etc. I shouldn't be doing that crap.

Oh well, her loss.

There's one problem. Recently for my birthday she got me a pretty expensive gift (around $100). I had planned for a while to buy her something from Tiffany's, and in a conversation we were having she was saying how she once had a ring from her mom and it was stolen from her. She showed it to me as we were talking and I took note of it in my mind. Later on, I went to the mall and I found the exact same ring and I decided I would get it for her and send it to her on her birthday. The only reason I considered getting the same ring instead of picking my own was because she said she was probably going to buy it for herself again later on in life.

Buuuuuut...

Now I'm having second thoughts. First of all, I really care about her but this is an expensive-ass gift (around $250). I would never buy a girl jewelry unless I cared about her like hell, but seeing as how I've been rejected by her over and over and her recents comments (about a day ago) I don't think I should get this for her. I'm starting to think it's too much. Plus, I've alrealdy done so much that any normal girl would be like 'damn this guy is perfect.'

She did buy me an expensive and meaningful gift for my birthday recently that relates to my hobby, so I can't just get her a card and be like 'happy birthday', I feel like I'm kind of obligated to get her something decent, but I don't have any other ideas... I had planned to get her jewelry from Tiffany's for a while (I even worked extra shifts and overtime to save up), so now that I'm having doubts I'm not sure what to get.

Also, since I deleted AIM I don't plan to talk to her anymore. I don't mean I'm not talking to her ever again, but if she e-mails me or something I'll answer it and that's it. No more waiting online like a chump, no more putting in all this effort and being ignored. All the other people I either talk to in person or see regularly so it's no big deal. I just want to move on and that's the only thing I could think of.

So I guess my question is, is getting her a ring too much and is deleting AIM just to move on with my life too drastic?


Edit: I also forgot to add that recently I had deleted aim before to focus on my goals, and I didn't come online for about 2 weeks. After a while I reinstalled it and I swear after I signed on, literally instantly Jane sent me a message asking where have I been and all these questions. Seems like girls only notice you when you're gone :T so I'm figuring if I move on like this, it'll send the message that I'm not phased by her and that I'm moving on and handling business in my life..

 

[DinoCassanova]

A kind of difficult situation. Five, definitely ten , years ago, I would have definitely bought her that ring hoping I'd still change her mind (read my post in the thread called "What's the most AFC thing you've ever witnessed" ~ well, the thread is called something pretty close to that ~ for an example of the old me). But the hard fact of this is, in my opinion, you will not change her mind. You'll just stiff yourself 250 dollars. It might sound harsh, but, what you should really do , is just keep the gift she gave you ( at the time you two were cool and all, and you didn't tell her to get you something that expensive), send her a card if you feel you must, but don't even call her or anything. And no, deleting that "AIM" thing is definitely NOT "too drastic". If anything, you'll have her wondering why you're no longer willing to eat out of the palm of her hand. You sound like a nice guy. I'm at heart a nice guy, so at base I can relate. In this game though we have to suppress that niceness sometimes and in certain cases even do the exact opposite of what we might normally be inclined to do. She's hurting you by rejecting you , and yes she IS rejecting you (albeit very subtly), don't kid yourself. She's not interested in you right now as anything other than a "friend" , at most. Get out of the "friend zone", as they call it around here. It's a dead end street. Create "scarcity" , by removing yourself from her life now and showing a lack of concern about her birthday. If she calls you, which she might eventually, create the image that your life is really hopping, that you're seeing someone right now, etc etc. I would say there's a chance, even if it's slim, that you could see a game-reversal here , a reversal of positions, and you will have her wanting you, remembering how good you were to her in the past, etc etc. This is how any mack or aspiring mack would play this one , I think. It's how I would play it at least. I'm sure there might be some here who would disagree, but I'll stick by my advice to you as being sound. Best of luck. ~Dino

 

[( . )( . )]

This is your lucky day, Youve only wasted 20 years of your life being an AFC. Time for some serious deprogramming.

""New Here?
We suggest checking out The DJ Bible before posting."""

Btw for future reference you only give gifts to chicks who have proved their worth. IE: Treat you like the dominant male that you are and revel in all your masculine glory, cook for you, clean for you, talk less garbage around you, tongue your balls (extra points for anus) and swallow. And even then 40 bucks is WAY too much, and only once or twice a year.

Gifts are generally for chicks, faggots and children.

Now get busy.

 

[crooklyncrew]

Originally posted by ( . )( . )
This is your lucky day, Youve only wasted 20 years of your life being an AFC. Time for some serious deprogramming.

""New Here?
We suggest checking out The DJ Bible before posting."""

Btw for future reference you only give gifts to chicks who have proved their worth. IE: Treat you like the dominant male that you are and revel in all your masculine glory, cook for you, clean for you, talk less garbage around you, tongue your balls (extra points for anus) and swallow. And even then 40 bucks is WAY too much.

Now get busy.

I'm a step ahead of you, just finished downloading it

Both of you are right. In my honest opinion, putting my feelings aside, I don't think she deserves anything from me. I'm going to treat her like her other casual friends would and get her nothing. Not even a card. If I look like a bastard, so be it. I've already done more than enough for her.

Besides, it does seem kind of like her gift to me was in return for the things I did for her while she was visiting down here. Who says "Thank you" when you tell them you like them or "I'm happy for the things you did for me" but conveniently not saying they're happy about your confesision.

I'll start reading tonight. I used to read this site a while back (a few years ago) so I had some idea of how to conduct myself with a girl, but I really cared about Jane so I threw everything out the window. I should have just stuck to my guns.

 

[RaWBLooD]

You worked hard, you saved up, now buy YOURself something nice
or buy stocks with a stock broker that gets a percentage, never went wrong for me.

 

[crooklyncrew]

Originally posted by RaWBLooD
You worked hard, you saved up, now buy YOURself something nice
or buy stocks with a stock broker that gets a percentage, never went wrong for me.

I have to admit, it does feel good to have that money to myself after working my ass off.

Any thoughts on how I should react if she e-mails me when she realizes I "forgot" her birthday? I have a feeling she will, probably after a month or so. If she doesn't, that's fine. But if she does I don't want to be caught off guard.

 

[Man Of Adventure]

You made a good attempt. Youre not one of those people that like to give up are you? Be proud because most guys probably would have gone crazy by now.... I also give you a thumbs up for realizing whats been happening. The friends zone is ****in deadly to any guy that really thinks this girl is great. Ive been there and so have many if not all of us on this website. I believe only one has made it out of the zone on this site. Im sure it took him more time than a lot of us are wanting to sacrifice on a girl that gives you a stiff shoulder all the time. Personally...if youre aimin for that ltr youll find a girl and youll just hit it off maybe immediately.....or in a year or 2. (not just with attraction, sexual chemestry, and all that heeba jiiba, but you will seriously be able to get along together greatly and talk about absolutely anything with very little fighting.) You will know because the feeling will be mutual in her too and this girl will clearly show it. Keep meeting girls....and youre bound to find somebody that you can one day far far far from now say "Hey, I love this girl."

 

[crooklyncrew]

Originally posted by Man Of Adventure
You made a good attempt. Youre not one of those people that like to give up are you? Be proud because most guys probably would have gone crazy by now.... I also give you a thumbs up for realizing whats been happening. The friends zone is ****in deadly to any guy that really thinks this girl is great. Ive been there and so have many if not all of us on this website. I believe only one has made it out of the zone on this site. Im sure it took him more time than a lot of us are wanting to sacrifice on a girl that gives you a stiff shoulder all the time. Personally...if youre aimin for that ltr youll find a girl and youll just hit it off maybe immediately.....or in a year or 2. (not just with attraction, sexual chemestry, and all that heeba jiiba, but you will seriously be able to get along together greatly and talk about absolutely anything with very little fighting.) You will know because the feeling will be mutual in her too and this girl will clearly show it. Keep meeting girls....and youre bound to find somebody that you can one day far far far from now say "Hey, I love this girl."

Yea.. I didn't want to give up but it's time to face reality. No girl is worth this much trouble, imo. I thought she was (she was constantly on my mind), but if she was really worth it she would have recognized by now, instead of wondering why I was doing the things I was doing and acting oblivious. It doesn't take all day to recognize sunshine.

I'm gonna start reading the DJB tonight and try to recover some of my self-esteem. It's been taking quite a toll thanks to this whole situation.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Ok I might sound like a d-ick head but that's not my intention:

-this girl doesn't like you, she loves your attention and values your friendship

-she never WILL like you and that "little bit" she mentioned about before might have been in the very beginning before you displayed that you were a major chump

-deattach yourself from her and go get some ballz!!! Progressively talk to her less and less, and before you know it, you'll either have other girls by then or be over this girl completely.

-read the Bible til your blue in the face, then read it again.

-learn to re-wire your thinking about females because otherwise you'll be in this ****ty boat many more times.

Good luck bro, and just remember every guy has a girl that made him realize his errors. Think of this as a blessing in disguise because this girl is leading you on the path to greatness.



PIMP

 

[Sir Don]

hey crookly, check your pm

Regarding friendzone. I did get out of that once with a girl. I never saw it coming but it does happen.

 

[Aaron B]

I'm not going to give any advice specific to this situation with this girl, but I do have some things to share with you that will help you in the future:

1. Never, ever, ever "tell a girl your feelings." If she has feelings for you , she will share them with you most of the time. Women are slave to their emotions, and if she is feeling you, you will know it.

The woman should be the first one to express her feelings, and she should be the first one to suggest a relationship. Once she does these things, you are free to reciprocate if you choose.

In your story, you said you expressed your feelings and she said "thank you." Complete role reversal! She should be the one doing the expressing, and you should be the one doing the thanking!

2. Quit "hanging out" with girls you want to date or have a relationship with. It kills all the mystery for her, and almost guarantees you a place in the friends zone. You guys can hang out plenty later when you are a couple.

Hanging out with a woman and not making moves on her or having sex with her is counter-productive unless you only want to be friends.

Attraction isn't logical. The odds of her having an epiphany that she is madly in love with you one day while you are hanging out are slim to none.

3. Don't buy them gifts in the beginning. Save that for when you have been a couple for an appreciable length of time. Women are used to men trying to buy their affections with gifts.

In short, make her earn your attention. Make her earn your time. Make her feel that if she works hard enough, she can earn your love. Don't just hand it to her in the beginning.

QUIT EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS TO WOMEN. THATS WHAT WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO DO. MEN ARE STRONG AND SILENT. YOU CAN GIVE HER A HINT THAT YOU CARE THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS, BUT SHE SHOULD NEVER BE COMPLETELY SURE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HER.

Talking about your feelings = feminine

Showing her how you feel through your actions = masculine

Which one do you think she will be attracted to?

 

[Man Of Adventure]

I'm gonna start reading the DJB tonight and try to recover some of my self-esteem. It's been taking quite a toll thanks to this whole situation.

I think youre doing better off than you expect yourself to be. Personally, the bible is only a source a reference...not a bunch of guidelines. Its there to help you yes, but dont get nit picky about what somebody posted on here. A lot of factors go into each persons post. i.e.: Where they live, how chicks act in that area, one DJ's physical appearance (that can affect c&f response crucially) Not everything will be kudos to you....and really who wants to be caught up with all these ****in rules especially if they dont coincide with the type of person you are or the type of person youre working on becoming.

This actually comes to my own recollection of after reading the post to the DJ bible that I wanted to right back after the same girl with a cesspool of knowledge when I was a really really nice person. Promise me...and promise all these people here that if you look at that bible that you arent gonna try for her again with some ungodfounded technique thats supposed to work 150 percent of the time. Trust me...youre gonna be in for the biggest upset in your life and a total loss of confidence in yourself if you try again. Shes not that type of girl I was talking about buddy. I know a great girl I described earlier will come...and you will eventually know that girl maybe off the bat...or maybe knowing her for a couple years (meaning she never put you in the friends zone and you never put her there either. You guys have fun spending time together and things are gettin started on their own.) So get to know more girls, have a blast with them, act like a guy, and only good results can come.

Attraction will be there if you give it no reason not to be there...but will it even matter if you both have a great time together? Attraction wont even be on either of your minds cuz by that time youll be making out as it is. Read me?

 

[crooklyncrew]

Well, I'm not reading the DJB with intentions of following it as a guide or anything. I just want to get some of my esteem back and a little guidance. In any case, the type of person I'm trying to become is someone who is healthy, in-shape, intelligent, charismatic & confident, with well-rounded qualities. I can't do that if I'm constantly worrying about some girl who doesn't even feel the same way about me. That kind of thinking just holds me back. I already feel better now that I haven't been on AIM and I've been spending the extra time getting things done for myself. Hopefully reading the DJB will recover some of my confidence and push me in the right direction.

In any case I'd like to say thanks for the help and the PM, is there anything else I should look at?