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Is this really happening?

Die Hard

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Can't believe I'm writing this...
She told me she's devastated and this is about the worst thing that could possibly happen to her.

I'll go over to her place later today to discuss things... I didn't want to start a discussion over text, so I tried evading the whole matter of keeping it versus abortion etc. But from certain things she said, it seems she's seriously considering to keep it.

I just can't believe this is happening, she was on the pill the whole time while we were seeing each other! I have never been in this sitation before, I have never even IMAGINED being in this situation before, it's just so surreal, I can't believe this...

She is fvcked up in the head, red flags all over the place. History of abusive dad, abusive boyfriends, self mutilation, depression. The type of woman you should stay faaaaar away from, let alone have a child with!!!

In other words, if she doesn't get an abortion, my whole life is destroyed. I might just commit suicide, seriously. I'm trying to stay calm but inside I'm freaking out like hell. I just can't believe this is really happening...

All I'm trying to focus on now, is how I can do the best job of convincing her to get the abortion. I'm just afraid that I won't be able to control myself during the upcoming conversation. She already told me she is going crazy and that she might get hysterical during conversation, that she fears we will become opposed to each other in the conversation and how she can't handle the stress of us becoming opposed to each other on top of the stress of realizing she's pregnant.

Her saying this scares the sh!t out of me. She knows I don't want kids, so when she says she fears we will become opposed to each other, it can only mean one thing: She is inclined to keep the child...

I keep reassuring myself that I will convince her with strong arguments that keeping the child would be a HUGE mistake. I just keep telling myself she will eventually see that I'm right about that, if I just keep repeating the arguments enough to her. But she's a woman, so I fear she will be overtaken by her emotions and her reluctance to "kill" something which is growing inside of her.

I'm afraid I will totally lose it when she does this in the conversation. I'm afraid I will just snap and either do something terrible to her or to myself. I'm just totally going crazy right now and don't know what to think or what to do, I started hyperventilating and crying earlier when I realized just how serious this situation is.

If I ever needed support and good advice during the seven years I've been on SoSuave, it sure is today guys. I really need your help......
 

resilient

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Don't end your life, Die Hard.

This is a difficult life situation, yet it's not worth ending yours. Ever.

I don't have much life experience in your situation. I've never knocked up a woman. What I could help with is your head space. First off, try to calm down. Do some deep breathing exercises to help you cope with anxiety.

Take care of yourself, don't drink alcohol that will just depress matters at hand. It sounds like she has a handful of emotional issues from what you've said. Do your best to remain calm, cool and in control of your own emotions. Try to stay healthy with what you eat and get as much sleep as possible so you're rationally there and able to make rational decisions.

You can't let yourself get swayed by guilt, manipulation or anything else she may throw your way.

If you feel yourself losing control in an argument or your heart rate accelerates and you want to lash out, don't do it. Tell her you need a few a minutes in another room to calm down and that you'll get back to her when the both of you are at place to talk. I'll let the other mature guys chip in here who have experience with this situation.

Good luck, stay strong and remember as tough as things may feel right now, you're life is worth it. You have dreams and hopes. This too shall pass. We, DJs, are here for you man.
 

SteR

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Well first of all don't panic.

Personally, I'd try to talk to her and ask her if she really wants to re-create what happened with her as a child, as in being a child with daddy issues. You've told her you don't want kids, and if she goes ahead having the child then she'll be bringing it up alone, and going through the exact same thing she had to grow up with. You need to convince her it's about more than just her feelings...

Good luck
 

BeExcellent

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You need to have a conversation with her obviously but you must get your mind to chill first.

She needs to see her doctor & have a blood test to verify if she is actually pregnant.

If you are worried you might really lose it my suggestion is have the conversation at a support center. There are pregnancy centers, there is Planned Parenthood etc. Have the conversation in a place where you can both get support and where there are other people around in case it is difficult to remain calm.

When you have the discussion ask her what are her thoughts about the situation, have a counselor go over the various options, and listen.

Going into the conversation planning to convince her to abort is going to backfire so don't do that.

Do not have the conversation without a counselor present. You both need support to work through this.

You are going to be Ok. Hang in there.
 

ubercat

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Mate you're a tough cookie you can keep it together. the other obvious thing is a paternity test. it's unlikely you were the only guy with the vCard. if you do want to persuade her I'd suggest that your pitch should be based purely on her feelings. however I agree with BE, she doesn't sound like a particularly stable unit you don't want even more bad karma on your conscience.
 

Desdinova

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she was on the pill the whole time while we were seeing each other!
Did you personally feed her the pill every day? If you didn't, then there is no guarantee that she was 100% on the pill.

In other words, if she doesn't get an abortion, my whole life is destroyed. I might just commit suicide, seriously.
Your life will NOT be destroyed. I have a kid with a dumb bytch. You'll have to alter some things in your life and make a few sacrifices. I had to give up prime nights to go out and meet women. I have my kid for exactly 1/2 of the time. I pay NOTHING in child support because I hired a decent lawyer. I still go out, meet women and get laid. I still have my hobbies. I just have another priority to deal with. It's not the end of the world.

The unfortunate thing about this situation is that she has the ultimate say on whether she keeps the baby or not. You CANNOT freak out at her. You should opt to pay 100% for the abortion. You need to make the option of abortion as appealing as possible. Focus on the negatives of being a single parent, and tell her you will make the abortion option as easy as you can. You're gonna have to put aside your feelings for how much you dislike this bytch and play the nice guy. If you don't, she'll just have the baby out of revenge.


This is why a vasectomy is NOT a bad idea. If you meet a woman who really wants to have a baby with you, she WILL pay for any scientific means to have a baby with YOU.
 

Roober

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Did you personally feed her the pill every day? If you didn't, then there is no guarantee that she was 100% on the pill.



Your life will NOT be destroyed. I have a kid with a dumb bytch. You'll have to alter some things in your life and make a few sacrifices. I had to give up prime nights to go out and meet women. I have my kid for exactly 1/2 of the time. I pay NOTHING in child support because I hired a decent lawyer. I still go out, meet women and get laid. I still have my hobbies. I just have another priority to deal with. It's not the end of the world.

The unfortunate thing about this situation is that she has the ultimate say on whether she keeps the baby or not. You CANNOT freak out at her. You should opt to pay 100% for the abortion. You need to make the option of abortion as appealing as possible. Focus on the negatives of being a single parent, and tell her you will make the abortion option as easy as you can. You're gonna have to put aside your feelings for how much you dislike this bytch and play the nice guy. If you don't, she'll just have the baby out of revenge.


This is why a vasectomy is NOT a bad idea. If you meet a woman who really wants to have a baby with you, she WILL pay for any scientific means to have a baby with YOU.
What he said! Kids are not the end all. There is a couple options, abortion, adoption, or keep it. Either way, she has to realize the consequences for all of them. Kids are a blessing man, as they teach me stuff every day, nothing you can learn from other adults...

If you guys are both capable adults, Desdinova's situation soundsl like an ideal one. Just don't be a non-existent dad. And if unsure, ask for a paternity test...
 

Glassguy

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I'm 39. When I was 25 I knocked up a plate. Super hot Puerto Rican but bat sh!t crazy. I thought my life was ruined.

13 yrs later, I've had full custody of my daughter since she was 6. Single dad, I struggle with that role sometimes because her mom isn't in the picture anymore and it's all on me.

My daughter is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and vise versa. I couldn't imagine life without her.

Stay strong. Things that are devastating today can be a blessing tomorrow if you hang tough and be a man.
 

LiveYourDream

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Die Hard--you are a strong man. You have made it through many challenges that once seemed daunting to you or perhaps even impossible to you, at one time. That is life. You conquered them, one by one. You did. You can make it through this one too. You can. You will.

Someday, when you look back, you will be able to see all the ways you became stronger because of it. Perhaps one day you will even see unexpected ways that you grew or your life even became better for the experience.

Know that whatever direction this part of your journey unfolds, you can handle it. You can. You will.

If and when you doubt that, or you feel alone or overwhelmed, know that there are more of us here than you can imagine, who are rooting you on through this challenge. We know you can do this. Don't hesitate to post or reach out. Be supported.

You can make it through this. You can become an even stronger man for it. You can. You will.
 
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Prime_Beef

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Your moniker is Diehard and you are borderline suicidal for this?!? You continued banging a woman who was unstable and not suitable for you for ease and convenience. ..

You got to grow up. If she has the kid, you will. If she's as mentally unstable and immature as you suggest, you will have to take care of the child and very least ensure some stability and safety. Learning how, improving yourself and money making options to provide that security to the child (who deserves this, completely innocent here) will force you to grow up. Grow up and be a man of strength. You will learn a lot about how society works, courts, education, medical, business, etc. You can cry about it, or sack up and deal with it...which you ultimately will anyhow. Why not take it for the opportunity it is instead of dwelling on negative?
 

sodbuster

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Don't panic, IF she wants to keep it, do a DNA test before you pay a dime of child support....
 

Serenity

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Assuming she took her pills correctly, the odds of pregnancy is incredibly small but not zero. Less than 1 of 100 women become pregnant each year despite using their pills perfectly. The odds increase to 9 of 100 pregnancies each year with typical use, such as forgetting them sometimes or otherwise not following the instructions perfectly every day.

If it's short term then use a condom, saves you all the troubles (assuming it's used correctly). The pill is pretty safe, but it's not 100%.

That was some sex education to everyone else seeking to avoid your situation. So what should you do?

Honestly I think it's best you figure that out with her, but it's gonna be hard if you're both traumatized by this. Figure out where she stands on abortion, it is a very valid argument to go for it if none of you have the means to raise a child. Do not get into a relationship with her unless you really want it, not even for the childs sake. If she keeps the child it will be better off without having parents who resents each other, I know from being such a child.

Most of all you gotta calm down, see where the pieces fall and take things as they come. Deal with one thing at the time to avoid being overwhelmed, you're in unpredictable waters. You can't control every aspect of this situation, don't waste your mental energy worrying about things you can't control. Focus on what you can do something about.
 

Die Hard

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Thank you for your responses, guys.

We're trying to process this together, it's intense.. I don't have the time nor the energy to expand on it right now. I just want to thank you for your support and hope you will give me more if you have some...

The suicide remark was just an impulsive outcry, don't worry about that, I don't seriously consider doing that.
 

sazc

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I hope she gets an abortion. You really dont want to be having a kid with a rando. Raising a kid is serious shiz when you have a compatible partner. Raising a kid with a stranger is not going to be fun, it's going to be painful. Good luck!
 

sazc

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When the kids I babysat were coming of age I counseled them to ALWAYS use a condom, even if the girl told you she was on the pill, etc. The absolute TRUTH is that there are plenty of unstable women out there looking to hook a guy with a kid and/or simply have a baby and get $$ support. The kids I babysat for came from an affluent family, the kids themselves were graduates of Dartmouth, etc, I could see women might have dollar signs in their eyes when meeting them. When I was 16 my girlfriend, also 16, got pregnant. A few years after the baby came, she admitted to me that she got pregnant because she decided to try and create the family that she never had, but always wanted. She also admitted that, as much as she loved her child, she would take it all back if she could, it was a stupid decision and raising a kid is hard. Of course the daddy had been long gone since the baby was 4 months old.
 

Poonani Maker

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But with my son, the same thing happened to me 8 years ago I didn't faithfully abide by my tried and tested pullout method and ended up coming inside my girlfriend and got her pregnant. And the next girl you're with, make sure you use the pullout method EVERY SINGLE TIME. It has never failed for me. Last thing you need right now is to get another girl pregnant.
Over the past 2 months I've been using the pullout method. It takes discipline, I mean, I pull out at the LAST nanosecond and cvm all over her belly and diaphragm and it oozes down near her left pvssy lips usually. I throw a very hot washcloth to her EVERY time (sometimes hitting her in the face with it by accident). Once, I almost didn't pull out and couldn't tell if I'd pulled out before cvming. Scariest thing, even though she says she can't have children.
 

Die Hard

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UPDATE:

Never had such a crazy time in my life... We've been discussing the situation all week, tried to support each other, cried a lot together, through all that we got closer to each other and started having sex too.

Went to social workers coz she neededmore info about the possible future of the child and how it's youth would look like blahblah. Went to the doctor to arrange preparations in order to get the abortion done in a clinic.

Been trying to order abortion pills through trusted internet suppliers. This way you can take them withut going to a clinic. When you go to a clinic, they will first do a mandatory echocardiography. The woman says, she can;'t handle that, seeing the child, hearing it's heartbeat, it will confront her with the child she is about to kill and she says she won't be able to pull the trigger after seing it and hearing it's heartbeat. So that's why she needs the pills through internet....

Stuff wil take a long time to get here, and probably won't make it through customs, but we can hope. However, by the time these things should arrive with us, the legal time for abortion pills has passed so cliniics won't give them anymore at that point.

At that point, clinics need to do the abortion through sucking the fetus out. But the woman says she can't handle that, the child will be ripped apart by that procedure, she can't do that she says. I kinda understand, I've seen it on videos, you literally see little pieces of arms, legs, hands, a bloody mess, the thing already looks like a human body you know.... But it feels nothing, nerves from the body don't reach the brain yet, it isn't able to feel pain. So I'm okay with it, but her mother instinct prevents her from doing that.

In other words, if those pills don't make it through customs, there will probably not be an abortion and I'm fvcked.

Now hold your breath, it gets even worse.....

Turns out she's BPD. She admitted it herself! Not really surprised, I saw the red flags.

But this week I went through her email and found out some very sick stuff. She has been ordering HGC, women inject this into their body in order to raise fertitlity levels and raise the chance of getting pregnant.
At the same time, when you're on this stuff, pregnancy tests will test POSITIVE because of the high hormone levels, even if you're not pregnant the test will be positive.

She ordered it a week before she told me she was pregnant... Either to fake the pregnancy test or to lure me into sex and get pregant after all, I guess. See, when she contacted me two weeks ago and told me she's pregnant, we calculated and she was 7 weeks pregnant at that point. But she still ordered the HCG on the very day she told me she was pregnant!

In other words, she still ordered that stuff when she was already 7 weeks pregnant. Makes no sense, why order stuff that raises your chances of getting pregnant when you are ALREADY pregnant?!

That's why I fear that she first ordered the stuff to fake a pregnancy test. See, we already broke up and I was done with her for good. But then she told me she was pregnant and showed me the test. So I had to go over there and discuss what to to... This was avery tense thing, two people sitting at home, trying to process the fact that they got pregnant and whether they should do an abortion. She cried a lot, we were both very emotional, one thing led to another and we had sex, without no protection, I just came inside her since I "knew" she was already pregnant. Can't get any MORE pregnant, right?

But now I fear that was her plan after all, first faking the test to lure me to her house and get me emotional. Next thing she would lure me into sex while she is taking that HCG stuff and has raised fertitlity levels. So perhaps her endgame was to get pregnant from me last week!!

Total mindfvck, I don't know what to think anymore. Obviosuly I never confronted her about ordering the HCG, I'm still trying to find out what is going on and I believe I can get to the truth as long as she isn't aware that I found out about her sick behavior. Once she finds out, she will erase all the proof etc.

Thing is, we broke contact last week. After I found out about the HCG I couldn't look at her without disgust in my face anymore, she would notice that and realize that I was onto her. So I tried getting away from her that day. Also, I told her we had to make an appointment at the clinic for next week, just in case the internet order doesn't get through customs. Told her we don't have to go through with the appointment, we can call it off until the very last day. But all backup plans should be in place, and the clinics will not do the pills procedure after next week.

She refused, there was no reasoning with her. She was afraid of the echocardiography, blahblah. I got so fvcking angry I wanted to punch her face through the wall but instead I just packed my stuff and went home, it was at the same time a good excuse to get away from her coz I couldn't stay calm anyway after finding out about the HCG.

There's more...

Found out she got pregnant by a guy in 2014, he wanted an abortion but she kept the child. He told her it was her choice and he wouldn't be there for the child, he broke contact and that was it. She had the child, tried to take care of it on her own. I read her diary from that time, it was a disaster. The child was crying 7 hours a day, she wssn't able to comfort it, it wouldn't accept her comforting it, it was just hysterical all day and doctors said its psycho-social development was going very bad etc.

She wasn't able to take care of the kid emotionally, which is no surprise since she's BPD. She was sick during the pregnancy, lost her job, didn't have enough money to raise him, no support, no sleep, she was stressed all day and reflected this on the child. It was a total disaster.

I don't know how it ended, the diary stopped at some point.

But if she gets my child, I need to prevent her from getting custody at all cost. Actually, the child should not be born at all, I am not able to raise it on my own either!

But hell, I don't even know if she's pregnant. Since she was still ordering the HCG two weeks ago, it doesn't make sense that she is now 9 weeks pregnant. A pregnant woman does not need stuff that increases her chances of getting pregnant...

But the other scenario seems realistic. She might have tried to get pregannt from me last week! And I had sex with her on probably 4 different days last week.... But if she did get impregnated by me last week, how can I know? I can't! Coz pregnancy tests are not reliable anyway, since the HCG injections woudl make them show positive.
I can't force her to do an echocardiography, which wouldn't show anything atthis point anyway, if she just got impregnated last week.
So that leaves waiting for her belly to grow bigger? Which can take a long time with some women...

So yeah, everything's a mess, I feel like this is the worst time of my life, I'm going batsh!t crazy, I can't get any certainty about anything anymore. And even if I can figure out whether she got pregnant by me last week, what good would that do me? I can't force her into an abortion, anyway... She will probably keep that child too, just like the one in 2014, and destroy my child's mental health just like my own mother destroyed MY mental health, since my own mom was BPD too.

Merry Christmas, I feel like the whole universe is destroyed right now, I am the biggest failure there has ever been on the face of the Earth. Never in my life could I have imagined something like this was gonna happen to me. But hey, you reap what you sow, I saw red flags with this bytch from the start, it's my own fault...
 
Last edited:

mrgoodstuff

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UPDATE:

Never had such a crazy time in my life... We've been discussing the situation all week, tried to support each other, cried a lot together, through all that we got closer to each other and started having sex too.

Went to social workers coz she neededmore info about the possible future of the child and how it's youth would look like blahblah. Went to the doctor to arrange preparations in order to get the abortion done in a clinic.

Been trying to order abortion pills through trusted internet suppliers. This way you can take them withut going to a clinic. When you go to a clinic, they will first do a mandatory echocardiography. The woman says, she can;'t handle that, seeing the child, hearing it's heartbeat, it will confront her with the child she is about to kill and she says she won't be able to pull the trigger after seing it and hearing it's heartbeat. So that's why she needs the pills through internet....

Stuff wil take a long time to get here, and probably won't make it through customs, but we can hope. However, by the time these things should arrive with us, the legal time for abortion pills has passed so cliniics won't give them anymore at that point.

At that point, clinics need to do the abortion through sucking the fetus out. But the woman says she can't handle that, the child will be ripped apart by that procedure, she can't do that she says. I kinda understand, I've seen it on videos, you literally see little pieces of arms, legs, hands, a bloody mess, the thing already looks like a human body you know.... But it feels nothing, nerves from the body don't reach the brain yet, it isn't able to feel pain. So I'm okay with it, but her mother instinct prevents her from doing that.

In other words, if those pills don't make it through customs, there will probably not be an abortion and I'm fvcked.

Now hold your breath, it gets even worse.....

Turns out she's BPD. She admitted it herself! Not really surprised, I saw the red flags.

But this week I went through her email and found out some very sick stuff. She has been ordering HGC, women inject this into their body in order to raise fertitlity levels and raise the chance of getting pregnant.
At the same time, when you're on this stuff, pregnancy tests will test POSITIVE because of the high hormone levels, even if you're not pregnant the test will be positive.

She ordered it a week before she told me she was pregnant... Either to fake the pregnancy test or to lure me into sex and get pregant after all, I guess. See, when she contacted me two weeks ago and told me she's pregnant, we calculated and she was 7 weeks pregnant at that point. But she still ordered the HCG on the very day she told me she was pregnant!

In other words, she still ordered that stuff when she was already 7 weeks pregnant. Makes no sense, why order stuff that raises your chances of getting pregnant when you are ALREADY pregnant?!

That's why I fear that she first ordered the stuff to fake a pregnancy test. See, we already broke up and I was done with her for good. But then she told me she was pregnant and showed me the test. So I had to go over there and discuss what to to... This was avery tense thing, two people sitting at home, trying to process the fact that they got pregnant and whether they should do an abortion. She cried a lot, we were both very emotional, one thing led to another and we had sex, without no protection, I just came inside her since I "knew" she was already pregnant. Can't get any MORE pregnant, right?

But now I fear that was her plan after all, first faking the test to lure me to her house and get me emotional. Next thing she would lure me into sex while she is taking that HCG stuff and has raised fertitlity levels. So perhaps her endgame was to get pregnant from me last week!!

Total mindfvck, I don't know what to think anymore. Obviosuly I never confronted her about ordering the HCG, I'm still trying to find out what is going on and I believe I can get to the truth as long as she isn't aware that I found out about her sick behavior. Once she finds out, she will erase all the proof etc.

Thing is, we broke contact last week. After I found out about the HCG I couldn't look at her without disgust in my face anymore, she would notice that and realize that I was onto her. So I tried getting away from her that day. Also, I told her we had to make an appointment at the clinic for next week, just in case the internet order doesn't get through customs. Told her we don't have to go through with the appointment, we can call it off until the very last day. But all backup plans should be in place, and the clinics will not do the pills procedure after next week.

She refused, there was no reasoning with her. She was afraid of the echocardiography, blahblah. I got so fvcking angry I wanted to punch her face through the wall but instead I just packed my stuff and went home, it was at the same time a good excuse to get away from her coz I couldn't stay calm anyway after finding out about the HCG.

There's more...

Found out she got pregnant by a guy in 2014, he wanted an abortion but she kept the child. He told her it was her choice and he wouldn't be there for the child, he broke contact and that was it. She had the child, tried to take care of it on her own. I read her diary from that time, it was a disaster. The child was crying 7 hours a day, she wssn't able to comfort it, it wouldn't accept her comforting it, it was just hysterical all day and doctors said its psycho-social development was going very bad etc.

She wasn't able to take care of the kid emotionally, which is no surprise since she's BPD. She was sick during the pregnancy, lost her job, didn't have enough money to raise him, no support, no sleep, she was stressed all day and reflected this on the child. It was a total disaster.

I don't know how it ended, the diary stopped at some point.

But if she gets my child, I need to prevent her from getting custody at all cost. Actually, the child should not be born at all, I am not able to raise it on my own either!

But hell, I don't even know if she's pregnant. Since she was still ordering the HCG two weeks ago, it doesn't make sense that she is now 9 weeks pregnant. A pregnant woman does not need stuff that increases her chances of getting pregnant...

But the other scenario seems realistic. She might have tried to get pregannt from me last week! And I had sex with her on probably 4 different days last week.... But if she did get impregnated by me last week, how can I know? I can't! Coz pregnancy tests are not reliable anyway, since the HCG injections woudl make them show positive.
I can't force her to do an echocardiography, which wouldn't show anything atthis point anyway, if she just got impregnated last week.
So that leaves waiting for her belly to grow bigger? Which can take a long time with some women...

So yeah, everything's a mess, I feel like this is the worst time of my life, I'm going batsh!t crazy, I can't get any certainty about anything anymore. And even if I can figure out whether she got pregnant by me last week, what good would that do me? I can't force her into an abortion, anyway... She will probably keep that child too, just like the one in 2014, and destroy my child's mental health just like my own mother destroyed MY mental health, since my own mom was BPD too.

Merry Christmas, I feel like the whole universe is destroyed right now, I am the biggest failure there has ever been on the face of the Earth. Never in my life could I have imagined something like this was gonna happen to me. But hey, you reap what you sow, I saw red flags with this bytch from the start, it's my own fault...
Hey dude, a lot of times women decide they are going to have a baby and someone gets to be dad. Of course he doesn't find out about it until she's preggo.
 

sazc

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Okay, so, at 7 weeks old that baby, if there is one, looks like a lima bean. There's no arms and legs, maybe just small numbs where these will eventually be. There's not even a discernible head. There is nothing to 'pull apart'.

She doesn't have to look at or hear the ultrasound, just tell the doctor to turn the machine away from her and leave the sound off. It's that simple. They have to do an ultrasound in order to confirm the pregnancy. Can you go to planned parenthood? What about going to another state? I had an abortion at 19 and they refused to do an ultrasound - I would think you could find a place that would do the same thing. I also had a no heartbeat at 7 weeks pregnancy and they put medicine on my uterus to make it contract and expel the fetus. Is that what this 'abortion pill' does?

Here's what I am going to say to you - YOU need to be making these phone calls and finding out information. Dont rely on/believe her, YOU call the clinic and ask if they absolutely have to do an ultrasound. YOU ask if they can do the abortion pill instead of a D&C. YOU start making phone calls and find out what your options are. Take control of the situation.

Stop sleeping with her.
 
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