Is this girl's personality going to lead to problems?

[Arioch]

OK, this girl I have been seeing doesn't seem to think to much of herself, even though she is an HB8+. She reminds me of me four to six years ago (in high school). She could use the girl equivalent of this site, if there was one. So I don't know what to think about this. She doesn't seem desperate, but she does seem to have a little esteem problem.

There are occasions this reminds me of my last spectacular failure of a relationship, where my girlfriend was a crazy b!tch (who was desperate, in addition to having self-esteem problems) and because I didn't know what it meant to be a Man or a Don Juan (and was also desperate) I didn't realize just how crazy she was for a long time.

I know I have to trust myself to have learned from my mistakes, and there are many things that are different now than at the start of my last relationship (much less desperation, and I am more assertive and less of a Nice Guy). I don't want anyone to tell me to dump this girl (I don't let message boards tell me what to do) but I would appreciate some advice on bail out warnings or something (besides saying "No" when a desperate crying girl with low self-esteem calls you while you're 3000 miles away asking to be in a long-term long-distance relationship. I already know that one).

Thanks guys.

 

[earthshyne]

First things first: What evidence does she show that she may have a self-esteem issue?

 

[Arioch]

She just seems very down on herself. She says the superpower she would most like is to read minds, because then she would know what other people are thinking about her. She says that when she sees guys staring at her, she thinks it's because she spilled something on her shirt. I don't know, maybe it's not a self-esteem thing, but it still reminds me of me in high school (a lot of which was a self-esteem thing).

I guess I really don't know. It's something though.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Arioch
She just seems very down on herself. She says the superpower she would most like is to read minds, because then she would know what other people are thinking about her. She says that when she sees guys staring at her, she thinks it's because she spilled something on her shirt. I don't know, maybe it's not a self-esteem thing, but it still reminds me of me in high school (a lot of which was a self-esteem thing).

I guess I really don't know. It's something though.

She does sound a little insecure, which is a little different than self-esteem. Self-esteem is more about how much you like and value yourself. A person can feel fine about themselves but still feel a bit insecure based on the behavior of others. It sounds like she cares a little too much what other people think about her and thinks others think less of her than she thinks of herself. This usually happens when someone in a person's life has put them down and insulted them a lot. She could have critical parents, siblings or it could have been some guy she cared about. Someone has tried to convince her there is something wrong with her. Does she seek out a lot of reassurance from you that she is "okay" or makes the right choices?

 

[Albion4]

All female personalities tend to lead to problems.

-Al

 

[Arioch]

In response to Wyldfire

OK, I see the difference, but I don't really see how someone would have one without the other. She hasn't sought reassurance from me, but she doesn't talk much, and I don't think we know each other well enough to be talking about that. But there is this sense, it's sort of like when you know people are fishing for compliments. Why would she be talking about this stuff if she didn't want to know what I think?

Oh, and don't you think American society in general strives to convince people there is something wrong with them? I do. And I think women feel it more, or at least they talk about it more, in terms of the social pressures of being skinny but not flat-chested, etc.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Arioch
In response to Wyldfire

OK, I see the difference, but I don't really see how someone would have one without the other. She hasn't sought reassurance from me, but she doesn't talk much, and I don't think we know each other well enough to be talking about that. But there is this sense, it's sort of like when you know people are fishing for compliments. Why would she be talking about this stuff if she didn't want to know what I think?

Oh, and don't you think American society in general strives to convince people there is something wrong with them? I do. And I think women feel it more, or at least they talk about it more, in terms of the social pressures of being skinny but not flat-chested, etc.

A lot of people have both insecurity and a self-esteem issue...but usually the insecurity comes first. The weaker the person, the more likely it will become a self-esteem problem too. Yes, sometimes the message comes from society, or peers at school. I usually refer to my own personal experiences whenever possible when I respond to questions on here. As I've mentioned before, I was married to an abusive alcoholic with Borderline Personality Disorder for 10 years. I have always had a very strong sense of self and have never had any self-esteem problem. In fact, if anything, I border on being arrogant and have always been that way. During my marriage, however, I did become very self-conscious and insecure about many things. My ex husband criticized me relentlessly and brutally. Although deep down I knew there was nothing wrong with me, his incessant belittling and telling me others agreed with him (they didn't, of course) DID lead me to think more about what others thought of me. I'm sure this past experience plays a part in why I absolutely will not sit back and tolerate insults and personal attacks on this forum. I promised myself never to allow anyone to do that to me again...and I've kept that promise.

Anyhow...yes, a person can be insecure and self conscious about what others think about them without actually believing that there is something wrong with them. The compliment fishing may simply be her way of making sure that you see her as she sees herself. It could also be a case of her wanting to figure out if you like her or not. It's really hard to say.

 

[tmpgstx]

She does sound a little insecure, which is a little different than self-esteem. Self-esteem is more about how much you like and value yourself. A person can feel fine about themselves but still feel a bit insecure based on the behavior of others. It sounds like she cares a little too much what other people think about her and thinks others think less of her than she thinks of herself. This usually happens when someone in a person's life has put them down and insulted them a lot. She could have critical parents, siblings or it could have been some guy she cared about. Someone has tried to convince her there is something wrong with her. Does she seek out a lot of reassurance from you that she is "okay" or makes the right choices?

Dam Wlydfire, that was good! I was thinking about this the other day, where my own frustations came in relative to self-esteem and insercurites.

I was thinking, i've got really good self-esteem, so why i am so hard on myself because of what other people think? You answered this with the insecurity post and gave some good examples. It will help to 'fix' these insecurities with myself, though not overnight of course.

I was also thinking because when growing up, wasn't able to express emotion or opinions, and if i did, was tossed back in my face and told to shut up - also walking on eggshells didn't help.

You made a good point when stating that person to verify what you think of yourself - which is very good, but if they don't - this is where frustation occurs and the need for approval starts (especially from women - and the wrong types too).