Is this BPD or normal?

[Thriller]

Hello all,

I have been with this girl for more than a year now. A few days ago I read about BPD and I was wondering if she is one of them. We come from completely different cultures so I always thought this could be the reason. It is a pity because I really care about her and it hurts having to go through this.

She tends to get angry at the most trivial things, like when I don't understand something and ask her to repeat. If I give my opinion about something, she will just agree and then complain afterwards when it is too late. For example, when making decisions about where to go for dinner or what to buy, she will just accept my decision and get angry when we are there/it is already bought. I have to be very careful all the time with what I say or do and most of the times I have to make a big effort to guess what she will be happy with. I have stopped suggesting to go out for dinner or to the cinema, because I won't really know if she wants to. Even if I ask her if she wants to do this or that, she will just turn it into a question to me on what I want to do, so that later she can blame me for doing this instead of that. It seems she cannot take responsibility for any decisions.

The situation has improved over time, but it is still too far away from being comfortable. I always thought I could fix it with time and trust, but now I am not sure. She blames her stressful life for her behaviour and finds it normal that she takes it on me every week. Well, I am here to support her but not to watch her arguing with me for no reason.

She takes everything literally and uses it against whoever said it. In my opinion she sees a different reality to what I see many times. I can see how that makes me the bad guy in the relationship. In addition, this happens to her with other people and she ends up *****in about how much these people have upset her when I can see they are not to blame!

I feel really sorry because of the good times we spend together but this is a real pain. Do you think this is a sign of BPD or just another girl?

Thank you.

 

[jophil28]

I feel really sorry because of the good times we spend together but this is a real pain. Do you think this is a sign of BPD or just another girl?

Thank you.

I had an LTR with a woman who demonstrated six out of the eight clinical symptoms of BPD...a positive diagnosis. I know CLuster B behavior in a woman.

You girl is showing some mild signs of typical BPD behavior but be careful with your assessment here. A lot of woman act like junior BPDs without being clinically qualified for a diagnosis. Perhaps you are looking for a label to clarify her actions ?

Frankly I think that you are way too tolerant of her bratty behavior. If you drew up some limits and imposed some consequences, then she MIGHT raise the standard of her treatment of you.

I think that you should read more about BPD, and the way woman behave who have the disorder, before you attribute her actions to a possible mental illness.

 

[jophil28]

She tends to get angry at the most trivial things, like when I don't understand something and ask her to repeat.

So she gets p1ssed whan you ask her to clarify ? How do you respond to that?

 

[Ease]

She might not neceserily be BPD, but its clear that your relationship with her is very bad.

You arent in control and being the man in the relationship. She doesnt sound like she has very strong affection and interest for you, and certainly doesnt respect you the way she should.

Dont think that your job is to be supportive and tolerate, your job is to be the guy shes in love with and dreams about.

'Getting angry at the most trivial things' sounds like she definitly has a low interest level in you. A girl thats madly in love with you wont be starting fights like this.

Get your relationship sorted out or find a new one, your a man not her sidekick. Also, once you lose a girls respect its hard to regain and turn your relationship around. Its hard but moving on might be best.

 

[kraytkiller]

She might just be walking all over you because your a 'nice guy'.

When she pulls this ****, do you put your foot down, and make it clear to her you won't stand for it?

Do you ever demonstrate a willingness to walk away? How long has this been going on for, the whole year? And your still with her? She probably knows she acts like a b*tch, but has no respect for you less because you never did anything about it when it started up.

 

[horaholic]

That sounds more like bipolar, and passive aggressive to me. BPD is MUCH, MUCH worse than that. YOu might want to break free, but you have it easy compared to a BPD veteran.

 

[Connor99]

it's classic BPD

She has you walking on eggshells.

 

[Connor99]

In my opinion she sees a different reality to what I see many times

That sums it all up. You figured her out early so run for the hills beofre it gets much worse and she leaves you emotionally damaged.

 

[kraytkiller]

it's classic BPD

She has you walking on eggshells.

Gee, his girlfriend is an overly sensitive ****, it has to be BPD, it couldn't possibly be anything else. You know. Like her being a overall *****.

 

[KontrollerX]

It could be a borderline as what you are being made to do is common with BPD relationships and it is called "walking on eggshells".

You are afraid to do anything or say anything or just be yourself because it will set this BPD off into a rage attack against you.

Bipolar people do this sort of behavior too where they will make you walk on eggshells afraid to do or say anything to them so she could have either disorder and probably does have one of them its just a question of which one.

What other behavior does she exhibit?

She do drugs or drink?

Does she got tattoos??

Does she cake her face with make up, seek out attention from other guys and slvt around on you???

Do you have an inherint feeling you cannot trust her????

Does she cut herself at times or have you found cut scar marks on her anywhere????

Does she scream and rage for no reason other than you setting her off in some way? What I mean is does she sometimes flip out and start going crazy and you haven't even said anything to indicate you may of caused her episode????

How is her relationship with her father???

Did she cheat on you???

Is she a compulsive liar???

Does she lie about trivial things???

Oh yeah and you should know that studies have been done indicating people from more primitive cultures ie middle east and places like that tend to have more people in their populations that are Cluster B of some sort.

The Cluster B personality disorders are primitive disorders that developed out of survival needs so it explains why tons of backwards people have them and why that middle eastern culture and other third world cultures are so fvcked up...well in addition to their being suppressed by first world governments.

 

[horaholic]

No. If she were truly BPD, the shyt the OP is bringing up would be too insignificant to talk about compared to the rest of the relationship. Thats only ONE symptom. If she were BPD , he would be talking about how addicted he is to her, and how every thing is totally magical for a time, then a nightmare for another time. Freaking out and throwing fits like she does, is most likely bipolar, not BPD. Ive dated a chick like the OP talks about. She wasnt BPD, just bipolar. She did the same things. It was like sitting next to a wolverine on the couch, who could strike at the slightest wrong move.

BPD chicks have a different mentality. they enchant you, and when you do somthing they dont approve, the keep a smile on their face, and seek revenge in very subtle, but hurtful ways. I used to WISH my BPD ex would start yelling at me when I pissed her off. Instead, she would completely close off all emotions, and call up some guy right in front of me.

If this chick is BPD, the OP would have a list of other fvcked up things about her a mile long. The fact is, inexperienced people will be too spellbound to realize that the chick is BPD. You wont realize it till your life has been left in shambles, and you're an emotional carcass. You can tell a guy dated a BPD chick, by how fvcked in the head she left him, even months to years later. You can tell by the way the guy describes the relationship. BPD veterans are almost poetic about how upside down their world becomes, without them even realizing.

My vote is bipolar for this one. You're lucky.

Oh, and BTW:

'Getting angry at the most trivial things' sounds like she definitly has a low interest level in you. A girl thats madly in love with you wont be starting fights like this.

That is totally not true. If she had low interest, she wouldnt bother starting fights, she would just bail. Some chicks have a need to fight a lot. They crave the emotional roller coaster.My bipolar ex used to pick fights with me nonstop. It was because she had way more feelings for me than she wanted to. We are still friends years later, so I know this to be true. She was just messed up in the head. Like the OP's girl, she was like that with EVERYONE, not just me. Her friends feel like they have to walk on eggshells around her.

 

[Onlyliveonce]

Just curious is she a rich daddy's girl? I dated a woman who's father was extremely rich. She was middle eastern and a spoiled brat. Sounds likes she's pouting. Is that the case?

 

[Thriller]

Thank you all for your replies. First of all, I must say she really has a high interest level in me. We could say that she doesn't (want to) have a life outside me, she wants to be with me most of the time and everybody recognise she is in love with me.

@jophil28

When I ask to clarify, her face changes to a "what a pain, I cannot be bothered with you" face and she says "forget it". Regarding her treatment to me, at first I always tried to clear things up whenever she was angry, but after a while I just started ignoring her outbursts, being my happy self and not going after her. I thought this would show that being angry is only hurting herself and not me.

@Ease

At the same time, she is very submissive in that she follows whatever I say. Apparently it is part of their culture (that might be the reason why she then gets angry).

@kraytkiller

Read above for my reactions. This has been going on for the whole year, but it was much worse before. Now it can happen 3-4 times a month, but mostly because I know what to do not to make her angry. I have already told her 3 times this cannot be going on forever. Last time I told her I was thinking about breaking up. A few minutes ago she came to see me and I told her I needed time to think. She recognises that we will have this problem all the time but she says that we have to get on with it or split up. She definitely prefers the former. I assume this has to do with her parents arguing all the time, I think it must be normal for her to argue so often.

@KontrollerX

She doesn't do drugs or drink, tattoos, flirt with other guys or anything. In that sense she would be the ideal girl in that you can be sure she will be at home when she is not with you. She goes crazy for little things, small jokes or things I say that don't have anything to do with her. Like once, she got upset because I said tv programmes in this country are crap. This is it, she tends to take everything as a personal offense. In that case, she probably thought I was attacking her choice of watching tv.

@horaholic

I completely agree with you. I am not so addicted, in fact all these things have made me have feeling for her, but not be obssesed about the relationship. That's it, I am comfortable most of the time on my own and doing things without her, but I care about her and want to see her some times. Anyway, is bipolar still a problem or could I carry on for a long time?

Another thing is that she regards everything as a competition between her and me. It's always, "I do that", always talking about compromising, etc. She will bring up something that is long forgotten to prove her point. For instance, if one day I suggest we split the bill she will remember once 5 months ago when I invited another person and then start comparing.

@Onlyliveonce

Not really, she is no a rich daddy's girl. But we could say she can be a bit childish.

Thanks all for the responses, I didn't expect that!

 

[KontrollerX]

"I thought this would show that being angry is only hurting herself and not me."

That will NEVER happen.

I have first hand experience with this with a relative.

The reason your girl will never realize that she's doing wrong is because she experiences reality differently than you.

What to her is normal is abnormal to you.

Thats the nature of mental illness and yeah after your answer I side with horaholic and say your girl is probably bipolar and I agree with you that it probably started due to her parents arguing all the time.

"Last time I told her I was thinking about breaking up. A few minutes ago she came to see me and I told her I needed time to think. She recognises that we will have this problem all the time but she says that we have to get on with it or split up. She definitely prefers the former."

If you two are going to make a go of this she is going to have to go into therapy and get this under control.

Bipolar can be treated with a great deal of success whereas BPD that being Borderline Personality Disorder is really a toss up whether a person will respond to treatment or not.

Its funny to say it but your girl is lucky that she probably has bipolar instead of BPD.

Well that is if she values you enough to get treatment for herself.

Remember man you can't be putting up with this sh!t for the long haul.

You do a massive disservice to yourself to let yourself be mistreated into being a beaten dog psychologically as you tip toe around this chick trying your best not to set her off.

In short you can become mentally ill from hanging around the mentally ill for too long.

In that you will gradually begin to lose who you were before being with her and become this beaten down, passive aggressive thats afraid to have normal conversations with people for fear they'll tear your head off if you say the wrong thing or say something in the wrong tone or at the wrong time etc.

Infact don't let her talk to you and make promises of treatment.

That sh!t will never happen, I know it already.

People not just women are too weak these days to make any real changes and besides even if she did go into treatment at your request she'll eventually drop it anyway because the desire to get help has to be motivated by a person really wanting help from inside themselves and not due to external pressure to go fix themselves from a significant other.

Just drop her and find someone decent and if you need to make it easier on yourself don't drop her until you find someone on the side who you verify as being a sure thing and just as awesome or better than your current girl when it comes to her good qualities.

If you feel guilty about finding someone on the side use the rationalization that the chick you are currently with deserves it for treating you so badly for so long.

Don't feel bad about ditching her for a different chick because she's mentally ill.

You've got to worry about yourself first in this life because no one else will and besides all that you know that she'd be more than happy to beat up on you psychologically for the rest of both your lives and have no remorse over it because she thinks thats normal and ok.

 

[Thriller]

Thank you again. She just emailed me explaining her behaviour. Basically she needs assurance that I like her, that's why she challenges me all the time, so that I prove that I want to be with her. It's a lack of confident, because of the way she was brought up, never being good enough. Now she needs aproval, she needs to be sure. And this leads to the arguments.

As I said, it is not easy to break up. There are many links which have to be broken and it is much more bothersome than just keep going.

 

[KontrollerX]

Its not your job to fix her brother.

Its her job to fix herself and get help for her problems.

Explanations only do so much good.

For example Chris Brown beating the crap out of Rihanna isn't suddenly made ok if he explains to Rihanna that he did it because his daddy or someone whooped his ass.

The only thing that makes things right is if that guy gets treated for his anger issues and never lays a violent hand on another woman again.

Same for your girl.

The explanation ultimately means nothing unless her bad behavior stops.

 

[Ease]

If she had low interest, she wouldnt bother starting fights, she would just bail. Some chicks have a need to fight a lot. They crave the emotional roller coaster.My bipolar ex used to pick fights with me nonstop. It was because she had way more feelings for me than she wanted to. We are still friends years later, so I know this to be true. She was just messed up in the head. Like the OP's girl, she was like that with EVERYONE, not just me. Her friends feel like they have to walk on eggshells around her.

This would be true that she would just bail instead of fighting, but this is long term, she wouldnt just bail unless there was another guy to jump to. Its hard for girls and their silly emotions. If she was madly in love with her boyfriend and wanted to keep him badly she wouldnt be acting like a lunatic.

Ask yourself if she was always like this from the very start of the relationship, and compare the differences in how she acted around you.

Basically she needs assurance that I like her, that's why she challenges me all the time, so that I prove that I want to be with her

Sounds like manipulation. You obviously love her and whatnot if you stick around after how she acts. The more you run after her and reassure her, the more shes gona treat you like ****. Dont fall it, your giving away your power and shes controlling you. You know yourself that you need to regain the power and be comfortable with the idea of walking away. its important!

It might be bothersome but you might find yourself a lot happier in a different relationship. You know best about whether or not u shud break up

 

[sodbuster]

the longer you have her around, the worse she will treat you. What she says means nothing-if it's not loving behavior,it's wrong behavior. IF you marry her she will be twice as bad,if you have kids with her-4x as bad as she is now.

 

[Thriller]

This would be true that she would just bail instead of fighting, but this is long term, she wouldnt just bail unless there was another guy to jump to. Its hard for girls and their silly emotions. If she was madly in love with her boyfriend and wanted to keep him badly she wouldnt be acting like a lunatic.

Ask yourself if she was always like this from the very start of the relationship, and compare the differences in how she acted around you.

She was worse at the beginning and the situation has improved with time. That's why I find it hard to believe the manipulation theory.

Sounds like manipulation. You obviously love her and whatnot if you stick around after how she acts. The more you run after her and reassure her, the more shes gona treat you like ****. Dont fall it, your giving away your power and shes controlling you. You know yourself that you need to regain the power and be comfortable with the idea of walking away. its important!

To be honest, it seems it is the opposite. The more I take care of her the better she behaves, but if I "neglect" her in any way she will tend to be more upset. Yes, it is the opposite of what we have learn as PUAs.

 

[horaholic]

She was worse at the beginning and the situation has improved with time. That's why I find it hard to believe the manipulation theory.




To be honest, it seems it is the opposite. The more I take care of her the better she behaves, but if I "neglect" her in any way she will tend to be more upset. Yes, it is the opposite of what we have learn as PUAs.

It sounds like she's 'trained' you!