Is there such a thing as a loser? Or is it all in your head?

[TheUnforgiven]

I apologize for this being so long. When I was 18 I joined the Navy and in basic training I was the biggest pu$$y they'd ever seen. This company commander asked me if I've ever: had a girlfriend? No sir. Had a job? No sir. Played any sports in school? No sir. Have a car? No sir. Have a driver's license? No sir. Are you a virgin? Yes sir. "Well you're just a waste, aren't you?" Maybe a week, week and a half into basic training I tried to cut my wrists and that same guy told me I couldn't even do that right, needless to say I got discharged.

I'm in my 40's, been on a handful of dates. Had one relationship that lasted a few months. Women have shown interest in me in the past, but I have such low self-esteem that I figure they'll just lose interest in me once they figure out what a loser I am. I graduated high school, never went to college. I work in a data entry job because it's not demanding and I have a very low threshold for pressure and panic easily. I've never had sex because I have a foot fetish and that's really all I desire to do with a woman. Even the one girlfriend I had that's all I wanted to do was play with her feet. I want to get off after I play with a woman's feet (usually a stripper), but I have little interest in intercourse so I'd rather just go home and jerk off. I have no friends, just people I shoot the $hit with at work. They say they consider me a friend but, if we don't hang out outside of work does that count as a friend?

I know that by society's standard I'm a pathetic loser and should just give up and die, no one has to tell me that. I guess my question is, does that mean I am a loser who should just give up and die? It would be different if knowing what society would think of me made me angry and motivated me, but it just does the opposite. It depresses me and makes me want to give up. I know the answer already: if thinking you're a loser doesn't serve (motivate) you, then don't think you're a loser. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance?

And yeah, I know I'm opening myself up to be made fun of in every way under the sun. I get that. But if I get something out of the more positive responses (assuming there are any), it might be worth it. Thanks.

 

[Desdinova]

You're not the first person to come to this site with a story like this. There have been other who have come here as "late bloomers" and are now on the path to greatness.

I've never had sex because I have a foot fetish and that's really all I desire to do with a woman. Even the one girlfriend I had that's all I wanted to do was play with her feet. I want to get off after I play with a woman's feet (usually a stripper), but I have little interest in intercourse so I'd rather just go home and jerk off.

There's nothing wrong with having a foot fetish. Give me a girl with the right feet and I won't be able to keep my hand off them. I'll just sit there and massage the hell out of them. As long as you can direct your sexual energy towards her vagina afterwards, it won't be a problem.

You have to remember that sex isn't 100% about you. It's also about keeping her happy. Women need to have sex in order to remain interested in you.

I know I'm opening myself up to be made fun of in every way under the sun.

That's not what this site is about. It's about self-improvement and becoming successful. If you want to conquer your awkwardness toward women, this is a good place to do it. However, I must warn you that it requires work. You cannot be afraid of the work that goes into bettering yourself. If you truly want to fix this part of your life, you'll need to get over the fear of going outside your comfort zone. You'll need to approach women, flirt with them, and touch them. Once you learn how much they like it, it will get easier for you.

The best place to start is to read the DJ Bible. Learn it, then go out and practice what you've learned.

 

[TheUnforgiven]

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

 

[SmooveMooves]

In all honesty it sounds like you have some deeper psychological issues that no amount of good advice here can quell. Attempted suicide? Depression? You need to see a professional and make sure the chemicals in your brain are all at the right levels. Once that is done, you can begin your journey to self-improvement.

No one is here to make fun of you, that's not what this website is about.

 

[TheUnforgiven]

In all honesty it sounds like you have some deeper psychological issues that no amount of good advice here can quell. Attempted suicide? Depression? You need to see a professional and make sure the chemicals in your brain are all at the right levels. Once that is done, you can begin your journey to self-improvement.

No one is here to make fun of you, that's not what this website is about.

Oh I've been on antidepressants for many years. And yes I've been hospitalized 5 times for suicidal depression. Thankfully the last time was 13 years ago. But I'm sick of medication that just makes me able to barely function. I know there's a LOT more to life than this. I know because 4-5 times in my life I've experienced something called hypomania. It's a much milder form of the manic state that bipolar people get. I've never gone full manic where you do crazy $hit because you think nothing can happen to you, so I don't think I'm bipolar. But 4-5 times in my life, for a couple weeks at a time, there's no depression, no low self-esteem, no panic in stressful situations. In fact, I don't think I ever found anything stressful. It was all gone.

I know it's not sustainable unless you're one of the lucky bastards who are just naturally that way. There are people like that, where nothing seems to bother them, or at least bothers them much less than most people. So I know that's not me, but I need to talk to a psychiatrist and find out what else is on the market and is there anything that will at least get me closer to that state. I KNOW I'm a lot more than this, because I've BEEN a lot more than this, if only for a short time. Thanks again for your responses.

 

[SmooveMooves]

Oh I've been on antidepressants for many years. And yes I've been hospitalized 5 times for suicidal depression. Thankfully the last time was 13 years ago. But I'm sick of medication that just makes me able to barely function. I know there's a LOT more to life than this. I know because 4-5 times in my life I've experienced something called hypomania. It's a much milder form of the manic state that bipolar people get. I've never gone full manic where you do crazy $hit because you think nothing can happen to you, so I don't think I'm bipolar. But 4-5 times in my life, for a couple weeks at a time, there's no depression, no low self-esteem, no panic in stressful situations. In fact, I don't think I ever found anything stressful. It was all gone.

I know it's not sustainable unless you're one of the lucky bastards who are just naturally that way. There are people like that, where nothing seems to bother them, or at least bothers them much less than most people. So I know that's not me, but I need to talk to a psychiatrist and find out what else is on the market and is there anything that will at least get me closer to that state. I KNOW I'm a lot more than this, because I've BEEN a lot more than this, if only for a short time. Thanks again for your responses.

I know it's tedious but you have to keep returning to the doc until you get the right prescription/dosage combination that allows you to function as well aso regulate your depression. You should also be looking into therapy or other steps you can take that may allow you to become independent from meds.

The hypomania you experienced may have been great but it's unrealistic. Happiness is fleeting it's comes in ups and downs. Times where your less happy, times where you're more. You just have to keep chugging along. Good luck.

 

[switch7]

I apologize for this being so long. When I was 18 I joined the Navy and in basic training I was the biggest pu$$y they'd ever seen. This company commander asked me if I've ever: had a girlfriend? No sir. Had a job? No sir. Played any sports in school? No sir. Have a car? No sir. Have a driver's license? No sir. Are you a virgin? Yes sir. "Well you're just a waste, aren't you?" Maybe a week, week and a half into basic training I tried to cut my wrists and that same guy told me I couldn't even do that right, needless to say I got discharged.

I'm in my 40's, been on a handful of dates. Had one relationship that lasted a few months. Women have shown interest in me in the past, but I have such low self-esteem that I figure they'll just lose interest in me once they figure out what a loser I am. I graduated high school, never went to college. I work in a data entry job because it's not demanding and I have a very low threshold for pressure and panic easily. I've never had sex because I have a foot fetish and that's really all I desire to do with a woman. Even the one girlfriend I had that's all I wanted to do was play with her feet. I want to get off after I play with a woman's feet (usually a stripper), but I have little interest in intercourse so I'd rather just go home and jerk off. I have no friends, just people I shoot the $hit with at work. They say they consider me a friend but, if we don't hang out outside of work does that count as a friend?

I know that by society's standard I'm a pathetic loser and should just give up and die, no one has to tell me that. I guess my question is, does that mean I am a loser who should just give up and die? It would be different if knowing what society would think of me made me angry and motivated me, but it just does the opposite. It depresses me and makes me want to give up. I know the answer already: if thinking you're a loser doesn't serve (motivate) you, then don't think you're a loser. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance?

And yeah, I know I'm opening myself up to be made fun of in every way under the sun. I get that. But if I get something out of the more positive responses (assuming there are any), it might be worth it. Thanks.

Firstly im no expert but in order to get women you have to tidy up your problems first. Unless you can be a really good actor which im gathering you can't, your levels of confidence are going to reflect your self esteem issues.

In my opinion self esteem comes from knowing who you are and not ashamed to be who you are. Lots of people say being a man is about being macho, aggressive, etc, but imo that's not true and if that isn't in your nature then you won't feel good about yourself by pretending to be someone you are not. You will just feel like a fraud.

Being a man means knowing who you are, your strengths and your weaknesses, and holding your head up high for who you are. After you accept this the confidence will start coming in and who you are at that point will start to evolve as your relationship with yourself starts to thrive.

Do you know who you are? Do you know what your core values are? And do you live by them? If you are not living by your principles and values then this will eat away at your self esteem.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

What do you want? Is it a sexual relationship with a woman? If so why? You don't seem that interested in vaginal sex.

Is it a girlfriend or boyfriend? Again, why? It doesn't seem like that is what you want.

Depression and low self-esteem are killers. Get help, ideally counselling.

Maybe, just maybe, instead of thinking you are a loser, acknowledge what you are and want. You are a 40yr old foot fetishist who may or may not want a relationship.

Big deal. There are weirder fetishes out there. You are lucky enough to have found out early on. I didn't discover I enjoyed sadism until I was in my 40s.

Go to fetlife or any of the many sites for fetishes and find people who are willing to share your fetish with you. You may also be a natural submissive.

You have a job, presumably somewhere to live, you aren't in jail. You might not be as big a loser as you think. You might even find there are more foot fetishists out there than you think. Hell, put an ad in craigslist or the personals. 'foot fetishist looking for gorgeous feet to worship'

Good luck.

 

[BeExcellent]

Like the guys said, you are not alone. It took courage to post what you did sir. I tip my hat to you. Smile at people. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Say Hi or Good Morning. People will respond in kind.

You are as much a human being as anyone else. Who cares what that drill sergeant said...Fish weren't made to fly any more than birds were made to swim. Some are tough, some are tender, all are worthwhile.

See the positive things you are doing (seeking self-improvement through medical & behavioral options, revealing yourself here), and acknowledge this as progress.

You actually seem fairly self aware. This is a good thing. Keep going & moving forward. This community is at its core an uplifting place.

Welcome

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

I guess my question is, does that mean I am a loser who should just give up and die?

Nope. Your job as a human is to keep getting better at whatever you do that gets you whatever you want, in a long term consistent way.

I'd recommend starting some kind of daily program, doing SOMETHING with an eye toward "self improvement," whatever that means to you.

Start a journal, to five pushups in the morning, whatever, and keep doing more as it becomes comfortable.

the only REAL WAY to build self-esteem is to achieve something that is important to YOU.

So make a list of things that are important to you, things you are could probably do within a few months, and then break them down into daily activities that you can do without causing yourself too much pressure or anxiety.

The longer you do this, the better you'll feel. The better you feel, the more you'll want to do.

Ditch the temptation to compare yourself to others or what others think you should do.

Choose a few things that are important to you, that are DOABLE, and do them.

 

[Huffman]

In my mind there are 3 steps break out of a circle of self-pity:

1. State the things you want to change
2. Realize that you actually do have the power
3. Change things

Number 1 you've done. You could be a bit more verbose though, for example girls, friends, looks, financial success, etc.
Number 2 is where people like to give up - they are convinced of their inability to do what they want. This, of course, is largely in your head, but no amount of self-help literature will make your brain believe until you've got undeniable proof that it works for YOU. You need a catalyst that will kickstart your self esteem. This is why so many guys here preach lifting and workout. It's the one thing that everybody can do, and that will give you guaranteed, measurable results real quick. I was fat&weak until I came here. After 4 weeks of workout, I fondly remember that moment when it finally dawned on me: "wow - it turns out I actually CAN do things I never thought possible! Those guys were right after all!"
Number 3: there's enough information floating around here, you will be able to do it as long as you don't quit.

 

[TheUnforgiven]

I really appreciate these responses, guys. I see so much written here about the DJ Bible, so I'm going to start there. As far as whether I want a relationship, I've had some really painful cases of oneitis in my life. I know that if I ever do start thinking about relationships I want to be coming from a place of "I've got my house in order, got my $hit together, this woman would be cool to share that with, she's got her $hit together too." No more coming from a place of "I have nothing, but please love me because, I dunno, please?" No more coming from a place of no value and usually being attracted to women who turn out to have not a whole lot of value themselves. Thanks again guys.

 

[ubercat]

Great responses I would also say don't underestimate the power of simple Improvements like the suggestions to just start doing push ups everyday. the basics are the basics simple is good when you r starting out

 

[foreverAFC]

i think martial arts could have really helped you out if you had been introduced to it at a young age, and still can. its never too late. i know guys who started in their 50s and 60s and got blackbelts in 10 years, guys who refused to be confined to the couch because of their age. doing a martial art will give you a place to go a few nights a week after work were you can work on your mind and body and meet people who can teach you things and help you improve your life. if anything, it will allow you to take your mind off everything else for a couple hours here and there. look online for some gyms near your home and go visit them and talk to the instructors there to see which ones you like. a lot of gyms will allow you try a class for free even. try some beginner boxing or jiu jitsu classes.