Is there a way to prevent this "fear"

[The Comeback Kid]

Over the past few years, I've been burned. Sometimes pretty badly. A situation today reminded me of some other times I have been burned. What am I talking about? Well, it appears whenever I make plans with someone who is not a very close friend of mine (i.e. a date, a friend who is not a "buddy"), I get flaked on. Sometimes even stood up. ALMOST ALL THE TIME :nervous:

This past week, a guy I've known and kept in touch with for a few years (but haven't really seen lately) invites me to a party for this weekend that sounded pretty fun. We talked about it and I was in. Today, I call him early in the afternoon to see where I should park my car (I'd drive to his house, he'd drive to the party). No answer. I try a couple more times...nothing. Basically, I was FLAKED ON and it wasn't even in the "dating" realm!

Flaking HAUNTS me, drives me crazy. :crazy: Before college, I simply received harsh rejections from girls. Ever since college began though, the girls who do turn me down have turned it into an art form. I don't get the "LJBF" or the "thanks but no thanks;" I get lots of flakes (last three girls I've asked out put me through this bs). When considering I've been raised to always be on time and honor commitments, it's easy to see that I don't handle these sorts of things all too well.

My question to you guys...how do you eliminate the apprehension of thinking the "flake call" or the "getting stood up" is imminent? Sure it's going to happen a couple times in life, but lately with me, it's not a matter of if, but when. I'd like to get over this, but there have been so many cases lately without a big breakthrough that I cannot escape the apprehension. I'm not looking for things like, "make sure the time and place are established" or "make sure you two have a connection" because I already focus on that and have them covered. Regardless, all he11 breaks loose at the last minute with these people.

 

[tarotale]

im gona tell you the simplest shyte. just do it. nothing u can do else than that. i used to have fear of rejection; i couldn't even talk to a girl. i got better but i am still not perfect, so i asked my dad who overcame it. he said, you can never think in your head about inner aprehension. never. just doing it is the only, the only method to win. for ex, i wanted to talk to this girl at gym, n i was conflicting what seemed for ever in my head: what if she... rejects? then i said. Fvck it! lets do it! n even b4 my inner wuss talked to me, i started walking towards her. Just walked to her. nothing else, i just walked. then i talked to her n got to know her. my friend, the only, the only thing to conquer your inside is Doing it. i get sick to my stomach occasionally, but i just start walking to her and talk. that is the ONLY way. it's like the only way to conquer calculus is by Doing calculus. i know this is so trivial answer. but this is the only answer to inner wuss and fear. just do it. just do it. start walking. and b4 u even know, just do it

 

[Frog X]

Ok, now I might be inferring a bit here but you mentioned you hadn't seen the dude in a while. Im not really sure about the situation with girls but...

Your obviously not establishing enough rapport with people.

Think about when you set a date with a really hot interesting chick. The days before said date you are excited. You get other offers to do stuff but you reject them because your date has the highest priority.

These people arn't valueing your time, therefore other things are coming first and you get flaked on.

 

[The Comeback Kid]

Thanks guys. Before I delve into the issue, I am still stumped at my friend's actions. He invites me to the party a few days in advance, I confirm that I would go, and then he falls off the face of the earth the day of the party. Why invite me if you don't really want me to be there? Now back to you guys:

Tarotale - nice inspiration, although I'm not scared of rejection. Sure, it hurts for a day or two, but then I get over it. I'm not scared of hearing a "no." I do agree that I just have to keep on going until something does click here. As I'm going to explain towards the end of this post, it's more about having a gut feeling that something is going to happen at the last moment, and that this happens repeatedly.

Frog X - I definitely see how the flaking system works, with the girl receiving the "better" offer. Your logic is entirely correct, you did a good job of explaining it. However, I'm not completely sold. 1.) Sure, rapport is essential. I feel I smalltalk well, so I have a base established. However, I've seen instances where a guy has met a girl once, they talk for ten minutes, a few days later they're on a coffee date. Ten minutes is not a lot of time, so I doubt the two parties know one another all that well. 2.) If a girl flakes for the reasons you imply...wouldn't she at least offer a makeup date? If no make up date is offered or discussed, it's basically a no.

As I was touching on when I was focusing on Taratole, I'm not afraid of a "let's just be friends" or a simple "no." It's better to know than to not know and wonder. What I continuously dread is getting that "yes," establishing the time and place, and then KNOWING the night before that she's going to cancel. Not only that, but in most cases the girl disappears. It's like a hit and run.

My goal is to eliminate the pit that falls into my stomach - a hunch that the flake is coming - before a possible date. A few months ago, I set up a date with a girl. The night before (once I felt that pit fall), I left my phone in the middle of the room, and told my roommate, "between 11:00pm-11:30pm, she is going to contact me and tell me she can't make it." At 11:10, the text came. My roommate was horrified.

 

[WhitePimp]

I get this too, but it doesn't bother me too much anymore. You just have to not place so much importance on outcome, thus the desperation and neediness will be clear from your voice when you talk to the other person. I know times I've called girls and was scared they were going to flake my voice sounded unsteady and weak, subconsciously telling the girl I'm a weakling thus making her want to flake. You just have to be casual about it and adopt a "whatever" attitude. If you get flaked on, no big deal, you've got other sh!t to do.

 

[Kevin Feng]

I want to be honest with you, I don't want you taking my message offensively.

I see a lot of PUAs in your position. I'm not pin pointing you in specific, I haven't even met you yet so I can't really even make this judgement call anyway, what I want to say is that, if guys are flaking on you, you need to sort that issue out first. I've met some of the wierdest guys in my life in the pick up community, it's almost like alcoholics anonomyous.

Sometimes I pass by guys and I just feel sorry for them, honestly, you need to be able to build a decent social circle first because you can hit on women. I'd consider it almost a pre-requisite to pick up.

So before you look any further, find a cool set of guys you can hang out with first, learn their behaviors, mimic them.

-Kevin

 

[xdreamz]

are you making it too obvious that you're trying to set up a date with her? is ur approach conveying interest in her in a romantic manner? are you easy to get or a catch? are you being too predictable? is what you're setting up something she really wants to go to? is she shy or nervous?

this is my friend bad boy, he wants to give you a tutorial reality check. (trust me this guys been through a lot)

bad boy says: its the things he does that makes them feel that way. girls obviously don't take you serious, you have to make the girl feel like its something serious and valuable to her. something to cherish, if you make the girl. basically let me break it down like this, ur game is not right. the way you play your game does not make the girl feel like she wants it. your game set is off and to adjust it you need to win her heart. once you win her heart then not only will she not flake on you she will desire to go out of the way to please you. you dont just blurt out ask girl questions. before you start to a new question always relate to the last subject you talked about that way the girl doesn't feel like you're taking everything seriously that you only care about yourself. always show a lot of interest towards the girl even if you have to fake it. show effort to everything you do to her and always show effort in a positive manner. (being funny won't hurt) for example if u take a girl to a restraunt of her choice then what you like because thats going to make things go smooth. always figure out waht a girl likes and try to find some commonalities with each other that way a girl feel a strong connection between you two.

ps watch out for the words you say taht will make the girl feel uncomfortable.

 

[The Comeback Kid]

Thanks. As for Kevin's post (it relates to that guy who I couldn't get a hold of)...his cell phone had been broken. He just forgot to mention that to me. So of course today when he didn't know what was going on, he heard it BIG TIME. He apologized about 20 times and says next time this won't happen, gave me all his other info too. I'll make sure things are firm before dealing with him again. What it made it frustrating was this "supposedly HB10" was excited to meet me too because we have common interests. :cuss: She'll be around again and I could meet her eventually, it's just annoying how things worked out.

 

[The Comeback Kid]

I read this thread over again today. I appreciate the help regarding how to avoid flaking.

Meanwhile, I think only WhitePimp took an attempt at stabbing my "fear." My main question is not, "why am I getting flaked on?" What I feel almost paranoid about is that I always feel I am going to get flaked on, or something is going to come up at the last second. The fact it's happened many times before makes me very sensitive to it. If someone is running late and they don't give me the head's up, all the "flaking" thoughts start running through my head. It's tough to be at ease, that's all.