Is the friendzone really that bad? (long)

[Euthyphro]

This site seems to claim that once you are in the friendzone with a woman you never get out, but I've seen more than one of my bros who were just friends with great women that are very good looking turn into LTRs with them. In fact after talking with a few female friends that are hot in their own right, they often don't get involved with guys until they've known them for a while and had the opportunity to see them in a variety of situations that reveal their true character.

Since I've been coming here I've adopted a bit of a 'no friends' attitude with women and although it keeps me from feeling like I'm the emotional bandaid for girls, I've also realized that I'm not really that kind of guy anyways. What I mean by that is I'm not really very AFC. Recently, I've asked out two girls that seem really smart, confident and drop dead gorgeous. Both have replied that they are currently in relationships but would be interested in spending time with me. In both situations, the women seem attracted to me and interested in me as well but are just being clear about expectations and respectful of their current bf which having dated a girl who wasn't in the past (the reason I found this site) I appreciate.

In both instances I chose not to get their numbers because I wanted to stay out of the dreaded friendzone and the drama of a girl with a bf, but after the fact and with a little reflection it seems to me that I might actually benefit from spending time with these women and if they happen to be worthwhile, who knows what happens.

Currently I am trying to spend time with a girl just as friends who I have dated in the past but for a # of reasons it didn't work out. We still get along well, we have fun together and we have more than a little in common. To be honest, even with all that I'm not sure she's what I'm looking for in a woman but at least as her friend I get to find out one way or another. Am I scared of always being in the friendzone with her? No. I know I'm a great catch and she'd be lucky to have me and I'm still pursuing other women too....for me its about finding out if she's worth having and the friendzone seems like the perfect place to be for just that.

That said, I'm interested to hear what you guys think?

 

[Donald Kaufman]

It's a fine line.

Choosing to be in the friendzone is great. All kinds of advantages. Social proof, access to her friends, great word of mouth.

Being in the friendzone is OK. It's a good frame to find out if she is the kind of person you would want to spend more time with.

Being relegated to the friendzone sux! Nothing good about it.

The overall problem with the friendzone is you can easily slip down the ladder and not notice because much of her behaviour will not change. Moving up the ladder is infinitely more difficult. Plus, whether you are moving up or down will often have little to do with things you can control.

As with most things, if you go in aware of the benefits and pitfalls, don't risk more then you can afford to lose, and will walk away from it as part of a life experience as opposed to success or failure, it can serve a purpose.



I meant for that last part to come out more positively.

 

[DeathDealer]

It's alright, but you have to make a policy to not have too many female friends. Usually when a girl uses LJBF, it is an innocent request to tell you to back off and maybe she wants to be friends..a real man would just look the other way and go for new girls - but the afc keeps wanting to be her friend.

 

[johnny_chase]

Okay, but what you're talking about isnt friends, it's "getting to know you". I see the same thing too, people who seem to be just friends end up in great LTR's, but maybe that's because they weren't in the friend bin per se to begin with?

As a guy, you are truly friends with a girl you have no urge to have sex with at all. Every other girl, which you call a friend, is still a potential hookup. I would think girls are the same way?

I mean, i know a lot of girls that like to get to know people before they bone them, they all arent your typical club trash you know.

Girls are weird that way, they have a "getting to know you" phase. Things just dont happen overnight. I still go out alone to dinner with girls who call me their "friend", but have never LJBF.

LJBF and being "friends" i find are different things. When a girl LJBF's straight up, translation: I'm not interested in you PERIOD, this is my nice way of telling you. Starting off as friends with a girl and escalating at the right times, is different.

 

[Euthyphro]

I guess I haven't really ever been LJBF although you never know what lies around the next corner. Maybe it will be this girl I'm sort of into now who drops the LJBF bomb on me. Either way at least I tried to get to know her and see if something could happen. I suppose ending up in the friendzone by the girls choice would pretty much suck.....although, at least then you know where you stand which is more than a lot of girls will give you.

Thanks for the replies. I hadn't really taken the time to think about the differing levels that the friendship card can take.

 

[Bonhomme]

The more I think about it

The more I think about it, the more I'm drawn to the conclusion that one can have a lot of women they're attracted to who are "just friends" and the 'friendzone" need not be an issue at all.

It's worst, but most curable if you make chump moves that drive away women who initially are attracted to you.

If you don't do that, it's all a matter of how good you are at reading a gal's interest level. When you're good at reading interest level, it's simply foolish to bother to have a go at getting involved with a gal who you can see is not into you enough.

The classic chump also ends up wasting a lot of time on these non-prospects who have to LJBF him to stop his futile efforts.

But, as johnny_chase noted, there are some gals who simply do want to act as friends for a while even if they are attracted. Everone has a different approach. Those ones can be very tough to "read."

 

[johnny_chase]

Yah, i've come to the conclusion that it's that anti-slut shield kicking in. Those girls are a horny bunch, the whole lot of them. I know a few that have sex like crazy, and they hate themselves for it. Sometimes girls actually want more than another notch in their bed post, no matter how hard they try to supress their primal urges.

 

[DJDamage]

In both instances I chose not to get their numbers because I wanted to stay out of the dreaded friendzone and the drama of a girl with a bf, but after the fact and with a little reflection it seems to me that I might actually benefit from spending time with these women and if they happen to be worthwhile, who knows what happens.

Your statment above shows how confused you are about this. That is the reason why being stuck in the friendzone is counterproductive. You do not have any knoble notion of actually making a connection with another human being. Your priority is fvcking them and therefore when they treat you just like one of their girlfriends (chitchat, gossip) you will be one misrable man.

Don't settle for being a friend if you are rejected, you will always want them and it will mess you up when they hook up with another guy.

 

[theirishman]

In my experience the friend zone is the worst possible place to be in. I mean if you stay there too long you then degress down to "like a brother" to them and then you will never ever be anything more than a friend. So yes the friend zone can be that bad.

 

[johnny_chase]

I agree the friendzone can be a nasty place, but only if your intentions with this chick are to fcuk her and chuck her, because all you will get is frustrated.

But i mean, i'm still "friends" with a lot of chicks, while i go out and get other girls. Now, when i say "friends", i dont mean emotional tampon pu$sy a$s guy. I'm not that to any girl. That's why girls have girl friends.

I stay in contact with them, we go out together, still flirty with them, but they just take longer to come around.

Vince Vaughn vocalised my philosophy in dogeball the movie:

"I dont have any aspirations or expectations in life; that way when something happens, it's really really good"

i.e: dont expect anything, dont assume anything. Go with the flow, be your DJ self, you cant selectively be CF or flirty, it's just a part of my personality.

I think we have to define the friendzone really, so here is my attempt to officially define it:

The friendzone consists of a place whereby you are essentially a b!tch with a c0ck. You are the guy she cries on, instead of one of her GF/homosexual friends. If this does not bother you at all, please, castrate yourself. Often, the friend zone is confused with the "aquaintance zone" and the LJBF condition.

LJBF condition: you creep me out. THis is my nice way of telling you i dont want anything to do with you in that way. I do not want to be your friend. Naturally, there are exceptions.

aquaintance zone: Social friend. Someone you go out with, but is not really available immediately. You are friends, but not "girl friends". Potential for hookup exists.

There, if that is not technical enough for some people to jot down in their notebooks and checklists, i dont know what is.

 

[theirishman]

Johnny_Chase, good post, especially the vince vaughn quote.

 

[Euthyphro]

Originally posted by DJDamage
Your statment above shows how confused you are about this. That is the reason why being stuck in the friendzone is counterproductive. You do not have any knoble notion of actually making a connection with another human being. Your priority is fvcking them and therefore when they treat you just like one of their girlfriends (chitchat, gossip) you will be one misrable man.

Don't settle for being a friend if you are rejected, you will always want them and it will mess you up when they hook up with another guy.

I disagree with your interpretation of my priorities (though you may be just making a generalization about being relegated to the friendzone). Although I may be confused about the friendzone which I gladly admit, I'm plenty interested in having a conection with people, but that is a very rare things these days. In fact, in a healthy LTR isn't the connection really all that keeps two people together? Certainly the novelty of sex diminishes. And if I were interested in just the sex alone I wouldn't have wasted my time posting anything on the subject of friendship being a viable option to getting to know a person.

I do see your point about being messed up when they start seeing another guy, however I think that if you are still pursuing other interests and giving them a legitimate chance of being great people to date that it lessens that risk.