Is she in or is she out?

[homey72]

Ok fellas I need some help. I've been seeing this girl that's about 8 years younger than me, 24 year old to be exact. I understand that there is a measure of flakiness that goes with that age group so I know to expect that stuff. Anyway, after about 6 weeks of on again off again give and take we have a talk about what we're doing, her choice, so we decided that we'll have a somewhat exclusive deal. No shagging of anyone else. So here's the deal, today she's like I don't want to shag anyone else but I would still like to date other people.

I usually have about 2-3 girls going at the same time but I really got into this one. I've put the other two at this point on hold. To be quite honest, they're fun and all but I know there is nothing and will be nothing there ever. This other one however has sort of grabbed me and I would stop being with other girls for her. However, this other dating thing is disturbing.

I basically told her that if I am going to stop shagging other chicks then I need her to do the same. I guess the question is pretty simple, if she still wants to date other men do I next her? To be quite honest I don't think I can have a casual sex thing with her. I know she would be cool with that but I wouldn't. More importantly, giving up shagging other women is much more of a commitment on the guys part than the girls. The amount of time she would have to invest in getting another dude would be a lot less than the amount of time I would have to invest in restocking the stable so to speak.

I'm looking for all options fellas. Help a homeboy out.

 

[DoubleD]

Hey... i'm not sure if I got you fully but from what I'm reading you really like this girl and would like to have an exclusive LTR with her... and the fact that she wants to keep dating other men is chewing you up.

Personally If I get to a level where I want to have an exclusive LTR with a woman I guess I've been *lucky* as in she is the one that is asking for it and not me.

So that brings me to your situation. If she still wants to date other men the cases are two.
1) You haven't done enough to really attract her and she is still looking for something else.
2) She hasn't been with many men and wants to see what else there is before settling. (Again however refer to #1)
3) She is testing you. Some women like their men to be jelous and enjoy the mans expression of jealousy as a sign of love.

Frankly its hard to help ya without being there and being able to calibrate her exactly. However.. i would advise that you tell her that you don't approve of the dating (in a manly non clingy , non *****y, cry-baby way) and give her the option to take off and not see you while she sorts that part of her life out.

So I wouldn't next.. as such.. but I would stand my ground and set my rules. If she doesn't want to play then she automatically nexts herself and saves you a lot of agony.

D

 

[homey72]

Yeah, what I thought exactly!

DD,

You totally hit the nail on the head. I feel pretty much like #3 is in effect. I guess we need to have the discussion on what the expectations are. You want me to stop shagging other girls which means you need to give something up as well. Either we're exclusive or we're nothing. If she decides nothing she can go and find out for herself what is out there, and if she wants to come back she can see where I'm at that point. Although that risk, that I'm not going to be there she be evident to her.

Fun times!

 

[NewMan]

Personally, I would agree.

Then the hard part comes into effect.

You then treat her like your 3rd favorite. Your not as avialable to go out (you have other dates right) and you continue to seek and date other women aggressively.

Now, she wants to know that you will be there for her.

Which you will not be.

When she out dating these other guys - and she will have more than her fare share of losers - she will wonder about you (provided her interest level is high)....

Your will not provide her with as much attention - she will wonder about you. She will think about you.

And then she's going to ask you what is up.

 

[JohnJones]

I usually cringe whenever I hear a woman say that she wants to date other people but has no intention of having sex with them. I just don't see it that way -- the girl dates other guys, but what, she's going to explain to them that she has a pseudo b/f somewhere and that's why the guy can't hit it? Or she's just going to limit what she does to bjs, etc.?

I wouldn't approach it that way, honestly.

I'd just say that I was having a good time with her and why do we need to have rules or special circumstances at this point? Then just keep going as you have been.

 

[homey72]

JJ

JJ,

I guess I wasn't clear about this one. She asked to exclusively shag me. Quite honestly, at that point I was going to call it totally quits with her. I know we're all tough dudes with a will of steel but the fact of the matter is, I have feelings associated with this one. The kind of feelings that get all of us into trouble. There is no way I could keep doing what I'm doing with her and not get even more invested than I already am. I guess for this one, it's **** or get off the pot time. Either we give LTR a shot or I need to get away. You know what we always say, protect your heart.

More fun times!

 

[homey72]

Update

You fellas, the issue has been resolved. Better to have it resolved earlier rather than later. All in all it turned out like it should have, not like I wanted it. Such is life.

 

[Flea]

Originally posted by homey72
I basically told her that if I am going to stop shagging other chicks then I need her to do the same.

I say go ahead and let her shag other chicks as long as you can watch!

 

[RAFCbearfilm]

So what happened?? Or didn't I read this clearly enough.

 

[homey72]

The details update.

Basically here's the scoop fellas. This is a girl with some serious issues. We talked, I called her out on some things and basically told her that until she figures out what she wants I'm out. More importantly there were some things that I noticed about her that I ignored, I wound up talking to her "friend" who confirmed most of what I thought.

As a side note, I thought it was funny how her "friend" so easily ratted her out, while at the same time saying there are like sisters. If you all got this far here are the details, she has an eating disorder coupled with being on huge amounts of diet pills, add to that a minor coke habit, and finally she used to be 100 pounds heavier, however now she's about 125. Kind of explains the need for attention and compliments. Deep down she probably still thinks she's fat. The eating disorder thing, well I've seen some friends struggle through that, it ain't pretty. I'm a pretty open minded guy but I'm really not into coke, at all. Add this all up and guess what, I don't need it.

A little follow up, later that day a girl that was on the back burner called me up and practically begged me to go to happy hour with her. I couldn't make it so we're going to hang out today. Nothing like having a back up plan!

 

[Ricky]

God I need a backup plan again.

I fell for a girl i thought was great who had high interest in me. It's been falling apart.

Never again until the day I'm married will I be exclusive. I'll fricking sneak around if I have to till the wedding day.

Why would I do this? I have be ****ed over one too many times.

 

[homey72]

Yo Ricky

Yo man, I guess I just got lucky in that all this sh*t came out early for me. I was ready to get rid of the back up plans for this one. Sometimes you need to take that chance man.

Either way, don't sweat it too much, it stings for a little while and then you realize that there are literally billions of women out there and you'll have your fair share of them.

Good luck!

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Homey, isn't it interesting that when a man knows more about a woman he than reconsiders his interest based on this more thorough knowledge of a woman and does not see her as attractive as first thought. When a woman wants to "date" other dudesshe is basically saying we'll hang out until I can upgrade then you are no longer relevant!

You saved yourself much grief by getting the inside sccop! She probably lost 100 pounds from snorting cocaine instead of eating!! This girl's head and body is damaged goods or should I say bads!!

Ricky - never fall for a girl until she is totally committed to you and follows your direction.

 

[Ricky]

Puerto- You are damn right, but in this case it seemed like the girl was headed my direction, following my goals and willing to move for me.

Why she changed her mind I could go into. But it's a long story. I will probably need to post it. I'll know more after next week.

 

[homey72]

Something is in the water.

Puerto,

You are totally right, and I must admit that even though she is damaged goods it still hurts when things don't turn out the way that you wanted. I must be honest though, and perhaps this needs a new thread, I have reached a point where I am sick of chasing ass. I know plenty of girls, however they seem to be on a 1-3 month rotation. Most of the time I just get bored of them, or I know it's not going to go anywhere. That's why I wanted this thing to work out I guess. You know it's wierd, when I first came here I needed help. Now, I have plenty of ass, but I want something more, and I bet if I get that something more I'll be missing that ass. Last week was a long week, I guess I've gotten introspective. Time to tuck myself into bed.

Anyway, important things is, I dodged a bullet.

-Homey

 

[San]

Yeah, PuertoRicanlover hits the spot!

A girl sees dating as waiting till someone better shows up, so she's holding you as a backup incase nothing else better shows up, so that makes you a second choice or even 3rd and so-on!

Maybe when it's the time you can try to go steady with her and see how she behaves in her social live.
Does she still goes out often? (same as now), or does the dating weakens and does she wants to spend time with you?!

Also here the golden rule man; watch her behavings in social live if possible and her behavings towards you. it's all about the body language Amigos!

words are just mere words...

ze bodylanguage

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Re: The details update.

Originally posted by homey72
Basically here's the scoop fellas. This is a girl with some serious issues. We talked, I called her out on some things and basically told her that until she figures out what she wants I'm out. More importantly there were some things that I noticed about her that I ignored, I wound up talking to her "friend" who confirmed most of what I thought.

As a side note, I thought it was funny how her "friend" so easily ratted her out, while at the same time saying there are like sisters. If you all got this far here are the details, she has an eating disorder coupled with being on huge amounts of diet pills, add to that a minor coke habit, and finally she used to be 100 pounds heavier, however now she's about 125. Kind of explains the need for attention and compliments. Deep down she probably still thinks she's fat. The eating disorder thing, well I've seen some friends struggle through that, it ain't pretty. I'm a pretty open minded guy but I'm really not into coke, at all. Add this all up and guess what, I don't need it.

A little follow up, later that day a girl that was on the back burner called me up and practically begged me to go to happy hour with her. I couldn't make it so we're going to hang out today. Nothing like having a back up plan!

She has a very low self esteem. She used to be fat.

Because of the low self esteem, she turned to coke to help her drop the weight quickly.

Consequently, she wants to get as much attention from as many guys as possible, just like the thin girls she's always been jealous of.

She is not relationship material, especially if she's such a loser as to resort to coke.

I've met a few like her - RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!