Is she having doubts or is she just more comfortable?

[bitteorca]

Hey,

I'm not sure whether I'm over-analyzing things here, but there are two sides that my brain cannot decide upon.

1. Is that she is pulling away from me. Her texts aren't as 'cute', 'missing you' is less frequent, and she semi-blew me off tonight. We were supposed to do something, but she made plans with her friend for dinner. I just have a gut feeling things aren't quite the same. She also doesn't seem to ask me to come round quite as much, but this could just be about me taking the lead, i don't know. I suppose I have just noticed a change, but then again she recently sent me a nice text, so I suppose its just less frequent, more sporadic. She also doesn't really ring me any more unless I ring her. She also seems less enthusiastic about seeing me/isn't as desperate to see me.

2. However....when I see her she is fine with me. She doesn't seem distant, she seems pretty affectionate with me, and we get along just fine. I also see her quite regularly, it's not like she has fully blown me off, she did ask me whether I wanted to come round after, and it could be a genuine reason. But its just the first time it has happened really. She also texts me everyday. Even though they're not quite the same cuteness, she does still initiate contact by text all the time. She also always rings me back, so she is by no means ignoring me. She also does see me - I think she does want to see me but possibly see's it as less important than before.

I suppose my main question is, is she just more comfortable with the relationship (doesn't have to chase me any more, I'm less of a challenge, etc) or is she pulling away slightly? I'm torn between the two. But sometimes I think I am just over-analyzing everything, which I know I need to stop. When I am with her, I am fine and don't have any doubts at all! She shows affection etc. Also, she recently asked me a question to do with my Xmas present, and when mentioning xmas arrangements said we would see each other on that day, both of which indicates (in my opinion) that she isn't thinking of breaking up.

Is she just more comfortable?

Thanks for your help guys

 

[scorpio1138]

You're being too needy.

if you are not already, stop replying immediately to her texts. wait an hour or so unless it's for meeting up with her that same day or the next.

Way too much over analyzing of your situation.

Get busy with other things and contact her less often. She'll keep contacting you if she is interested.

do not ask her about any of this.

 

[LuisGarcia10]

online dating etiquette

i went through exactly the same thing with my ex, over analysed it and lost her.

As others have said, if she likes you then she won't let you go away.

 

[pipe007]

sorry to hear you lost control, and she is losing attraction for you FAST!

its only gonna get worse son, if you keep behaving this way.. GUARANTEED.
she will end up dumping you, lying, or god forbids cheating on you.

so take action, and do what works .. ASAP!!!

you were warned.

 

[bitteorca]

sorry to hear you lost control, and she is losing attraction for you FAST!

its only gonna get worse son, if you keep behaving this way.. GUARANTEED.
she will end up dumping you, lying, or god forbids cheating on you.

so take action, and do what works .. ASAP!!!

you were warned.

Do you really think she is losing attraction to me? She still kisses me, cuddles me, and does initiate text every day, and like I say, has mentioned Xmas stuff. Her status is visibly 'in a relationship' on facebook, she got a new coat similar to mine and said 'his and hers coat', etc.

I understand that I shouldn't show it to her, which I haven't for the most part. I flirt between texting back immediately and waiting half an hour/an hour to text back, and sometimes not at all. But I have to be careful, because this girl is my girlfriend, and not some girl I am dating. I did play it cool before I was actually official with her, but I don't agree that all the techniques would work now I am with her.

I suppose I am just worried that maybe she chased me a bit in the beginning, and she is now thinking 'well, let him chase me a bit now', and by me not initiating contact etc would actually be a bad thing - 'oh, he obviously doesn't care about this relationship that much'. I suppose I need a middle ground where I play it cool but still show interest, because at the end of the day, she is my girlfriend, and we obviously do care about each other! I need to show interest but not enough to come across as needy. I think I do ok at this anyway, like today I haven't text her at all, and she hasn't text me (for the first time since we met) but we I did leave her house around lunch time!

There's also the genuine possibility that she is just more comfortable, does anyone think the signs for this are there? We had a discussion about something semi-unrelated and she said she didn't want to break things off and was happy in the relationship. She hasn't asked for space, or any other of the killer speeches.

I suppose I'm just struggling with mixed signals....or what I perceive to be mixed signals....I really should stop worrying though

 

[JLW]

You are over-analyzing. You need to chill out. I know it's hard, and I know you like her, but you have to engage in hobbies that do not involve her so that you can get your life back in order. Just by reading these posts I can tell that you are very attached to her. If I can pick up on this from an internet message board, she is DEFINITELY picking up on it from your actions, the things you say, and your body language.

You just gotta chill out and withdraw a little bit. And that does NOT mean waiting an hour to respond to her text because you "don't want to seem needy". You should be BUSY with other things, so you are not able to respond to her texts right away. Do you see the difference? One is playing games and just sitting around and waiting to reply to a text, and the other is actually being preoccupied and not having time to respond right away.

And you should cut down on the texting in general. It's a useless waste of time. There are very few things that are so important that you need to be constantly updating each other throughout your day. It's stupid.

 

[bitteorca]

You are over-analyzing. You need to chill out. I know it's hard, and I know you like her, but you have to engage in hobbies that do not involve her so that you can get your life back in order. Just by reading these posts I can tell that you are very attached to her. If I can pick up on this from an internet message board, she is DEFINITELY picking up on it from your actions, the things you say, and your body language.

You just gotta chill out and withdraw a little bit. And that does NOT mean waiting an hour to respond to her text because you "don't want to seem needy". You should be BUSY with other things, so you are not able to respond to her texts right away. Do you see the difference? One is playing games and just sitting around and waiting to reply to a text, and the other is actually being preoccupied and not having time to respond right away.

And you should cut down on the texting in general. It's a useless waste of time. There are very few things that are so important that you need to be constantly updating each other throughout your day. It's stupid.

Thanks for your response. I do like her, but I'm not sure whether that's even the issue. I was fine in the beginning, because she was chasing me more. I think I just start to get anxious as soon as I sense that something is not right, even if my senses are possibly wrong.

You're right about the keeping busy thing, I think half of my problem is having too much time to think about this and worry over it. But I find it hard to find things to do. But I shall have to think about this more deeply. I remember in the early stages of the relationship, she said that one of the things she liked about me was that I wasn't always available. Then she joked that she shouldn't of let that slipped! Its just that my life seems to be busy sometimes, and then not at all at other times (like now!)

On a more general level, do you think withdrawing a little is the best technique? I'm just a bit scared that this technique could lead me into more trouble, by making her think that I have gone off her.

I know texting is stupid, but she's of the generation that is in constant contact with people all the time. I agree with you, but at the same time, I know I have to text her, because if I don't then she'd definitely pick up on it and think something was wrong.

 

[pipe007]

damn you have given yourself the anwers and you dont even notice

you said she was chasing you, attracted to you at the begining, she even said she liked that "you were always busy and not available"

she liked missing you and thinking of you, and now she doesnt because you are all desperate for her, and cant do other thing than sit around waiting for her text.... it will drive her away even more, because at some point you gonna show your anxiety, and it will repell her....TRUST THIS

you are all afraid about scaring her off if you dont text her or having her worry about you... WTF, this is exactly what you wanna create in her, doubt, fear, anxiety, excitement of not knowing what you are doing, and thinking of you.... so she can initiate contact....

smack yourself, and be a man, you are acting like a girl right now, and girls dont like wussies.

 

[JLW]

you are all afraid about scaring her off if you dont text her or having her worry about you... WTF, this is exactly what you wanna create in her, doubt, fear, anxiety, excitement of not knowing what you are doing, and thinking of you.... so she can initiate contact....

This.

Don't cause too much fear or anxiety, though. Just create a little bit of curiosity for her. There's a difference between playing cruel games, and simply striking up some mystery. Blatantly ignoring her when she's been trying to contact you for a week is a little bit rude. But not responding to a call right away, or failing to respond to a text, should be common.

Like I said, figure out ways to make yourself unavailable. This will only work if you actually make an effort to make a busy schedule. Make plans with friends, go to the gym, work on hobbies, etc. etc.

 

[bitteorca]

yeah you're right guys, this is what I was doing in the first place. I couldn't hang out sometimes because I was busy, I even flaked one time now I think of it. And I wasn't playing games, I was still interested in her, I was just busy and more importantly not worrying about this and getting anxious. I don't know what's happened to me! I need to chill-the-f***-out and get to my old ways. She isn't going anywhere, there's actually no need to be so stressed about it, she still shows many positive signs. I become too available to her when I'm like this, because I have been worrying that something is wrong, and I think that the best way to combat it is to see her more, when that isn't necessarily the answer.

I think I need to find a good middle-ground where I start to focus on my life more and stop putting her on a pedestal so much. She isn't the source of my happiness. Without being too big headed, I'm quite a good catch, and don't particularly struggle with women (I hear you saying 'reallly?!?!' in your heads after reading this post!). But the middle ground being that I do care about her, as she cares for me, and should show that to her at the same time.

not responding to a call right away, or failing to respond to a text, should be common - I do this anyway with the texting. Whether it grinds her gears or creates mystery is unknown. Probably the former haha.

She probably has no concerns, its probably all in my head! Another theory is that she is just becoming a bit more like herself. This is inevitable in a relationship. She might have just been being all cute etc in the beginning to gauge interest, and obviously, the beginning of relationships are more exciting.

I'll just have to see how it goes and stop-f****ng-worrying!

 

[JLW]

I'll just have to see how it goes and stop-f****ng-worrying!

Yeah, pretty much.

Just out of curiosity, how old are you?

 

[bitteorca]

I think worrying is fine. Any shift in behavior, especially a sudden shift tells you something. The thing is, there is probably nothing you can do about it because its probably something she will not talk with you about. When in doubt, game her.

I'm not so sure about this approach! haha. It hasn't been a sudden shift in behaviour, and like I have pointed out, she still shows many positive signs.

I think the issue here is my own negative thoughts about the situation. She probably thinks nothing is wrong.

I'd sway towards the 'getting more comfortable' theory the more I think about it, but I suppose the point is that I don't know. Only she knows what is knocking around in her head. I suppose I just have to take it as it is, she is still with me, still initiates convo, still see's me, still shows affection, still shows signs of being together in the future (Xmas), etc. Me trying to get in her head is fruitless. I need to combat my own head!

 

[LuisGarcia10]

The more I read this it's a carbon copy of me with my ex, and you sound very much like myself. I'm a good catch as well, but it's mad how the fear and anxiety etc is created in your head very quickly, and it translates to the girl quickly.
Wish I'd come on this site during the process, before it was too late!

 

[bitteorca]

The more I read this it's a carbon copy of me with my ex, and you sound very much like myself. I'm a good catch as well, but it's mad how the fear and anxiety etc is created in your head very quickly, and it translates to the girl quickly.
Wish I'd come on this site during the process, before it was too late!

I sympathise with you LuisGarcia. I am a good catch, I know it, I just have this irrational fear sometimes that I won't find anyone else if things were to end. Stupid I know.

I'm worrying today too. I just can't help myself But I don't think I am showing it to her, which is at least a positive. Its almost like I am self-destructive and want to worry, as I am looking for things to worry about, when really, after some thought today, the signs of concern are less great than the positive things.

I'm still convinced she is just more comfortable, as I suppose this stage has to come in a relationship at some point. Doesn't stop me worrying about it though :S

Yesterday I didn't text her and she didn't text me. I dropped her a text today mid-morning asking how she was and she sent me a really brief reply. I think she might have been pissed that I didn't text her the day before. But then she seemed ok. That's what concerns me about playing a bit elusive with her, I get the impression she is 'an eye for an eye' type of girl.

This is so damn complicated

 

[JLW]

Yesterday I didn't text her and she didn't text me. I dropped her a text today mid-morning asking how she was and she sent me a really brief reply. I think she might have been pissed that I didn't text her the day before. But then she seemed ok. That's what concerns me about playing a bit elusive with her, I get the impression she is 'an eye for an eye' type of girl.

This is so damn complicated

Don't text her. Let her initiate contact.

And if she's an "eye for an eye" type of girl you don't want to be with her anyway. I know from experience.

An eye for an eye, and soon the whole world is blind -Gandhi.

 

[LuisGarcia10]

Honestly, this is exactly what happened to me. And that irrational fear is EXACTLY what I have, and had. And you think you won't find anyone as good even if you do find someone else, and you focus on the things unique to her that are brilliant etc.

I don't know what you're like as a person but I'm a compulsive worrier, I find stuff to worry about, as soon as one problem is sorted my brain finds something else equally irrational to focus on, doesn't have to be girl related but when you're with a girl that's the most obvious thing to worry about. I've got better with it over the years but it's still there.

My advice, stop using and relying on texts as regular re-assurance that everything is ok. I would almost try and ween yourselves away from the cnstant texting, create a habit of phoning when you have something to say etc, because you can always tell when somwething is up over the phone. I called my ex an hour before she broke up with me and I knew what was coming, just from her voice.

She won't be annoyed about you being elusive- if girls are pissed off about something then you know about it very quickly. The stuff you don't always know about is them having doubts about the relationship etc. Like I say, I constantly text her looking for re-assurances and it ****ed it up. I'm not stupid either, I didn't text her asking if everything was ok etc, I was more subtle than that, but just expecting a reply and waiting for one, girls will read it instantly, they're far better at this **** than most guys are.

As others have said- there's no point in worrying, if she likes you she won't dump you for not texting her enough- you may get a message asking why you don't text her as much as you used to, in which case, happy days, she's obviously missing you. Just reply with you've been busy etc, and keep to that level of texting. If she is past the point of no return already then it's just going to end one way or another, so again no point in worrying- although tbh i really doubt it's that advanced yet.

I realise the irony in taking advice from someone who got dumped under 2 weeks ago, but I've analysed the situation and learnt from it which is why I'm pretty confident in what i've said.

 

[bitteorca]

I completely understand what you're saying, and of course it is great to get advice from someone who has learnt from their mistakes.

And although I do see the advantage of becoming elusive and less 'texty', does no one see the risk that she may think that I am going off her? (for example, she could be posting in a forum now 'he's texting me much less than he used to, is he going off me?!' advice - 'text him less honey, watch him come back to you'!!!)

What did you mean by 'just expecting a reply and waiting for one'?

And does no-one seem to think that she may just be more comfortable? I mean, I have listed some of the positive things. Is this not completely different from going off me if this was the case? I remember her telling me about a guy she used to date who texted her far too much, and she just started never to reply. She has never not replied to me like that. Well she has, if it has been a bit of a convo ender text from me anyway, or she has gone to bed, but i'll always get a text back at some point.

But enough rambling, I agree that I need to be more confident with myself and the relationship. I think half of this problem is putting her on a pedestal. 'Oneitis' that is discussed on this forum a lot, but the difference being that she obviously reciprocates. Maybe I'm just being a needy b*tch and am needing more assurance from her than what is neccessary. The relationship is still very much young after all....

 

[Swift Shadow]

I completely understand what you're saying, and of course it is great to get advice from someone who has learnt from their mistakes.

And although I do see the advantage of becoming elusive and less 'texty', does no one see the risk that she may think that I am going off her? (for example, she could be posting in a forum now 'he's texting me much less than he used to, is he going off me?!' advice - 'text him less honey, watch him come back to you'!!!)

What did you mean by 'just expecting a reply and waiting for one'?

And does no-one seem to think that she may just be more comfortable? I mean, I have listed some of the positive things. Is this not completely different from going off me if this was the case? I remember her telling me about a guy she used to date who texted her far too much, and she just started never to reply. She has never not replied to me like that. Well she has, if it has been a bit of a convo ender text from me anyway, or she has gone to bed, but i'll always get a text back at some point.

But enough rambling, I agree that I need to be more confident with myself and the relationship. I think half of this problem is putting her on a pedestal. 'Oneitis' that is discussed on this forum a lot, but the difference being that she obviously reciprocates. Maybe I'm just being a needy b*tch and am needing more assurance from her than what is neccessary. The relationship is still very much young after all....

The problem you're having is that you are putting too much emphasis on the girl, when you are thinking about what she's thinking you're being sucked into her reality, just focus on yourself and everything else will follow.

If you stop texting her as much she may very well think you're starting to go off her, the thing is she may try and play that game of contacting less so you will try and contact her more, don't fool for it.

If she likes you that much she will contact you, girls know what they're getting into, if they miss you they will make the effort.

 

[LuisGarcia10]

Sorry, I didn't word it very well. What I meant was I got to the point of making up a reason to text her, just t get a reply to convince me that everything was ok, then it begins again, its a never ending ****ing cycle.

She may well be getting comfortable, i don't think anyone is discounting that. but the point is, you are coming across exactly as I did, I can see the similarities, and like I say, I know how my situation ended up. And I'm pissed off about it because she was hot.

She doesn't have to think you're going off her, i mean by all means if you have something to say then say it, which i'm sure you will do a few times a day. but just pointless ****e, talking about irrelevant stuff via text, you know exactly what i mean by this- just cut it out is my advice, if she is really that bothered then you'll know about it when you see her, she'll call you on it etc.

When you see her in person does she act any different at all? any differences from when you first started seeing her? because i noticed differences in the way my ex acted in person as well as via text.

 

[dry]

like the bible says "thou who worrys is thou who gets drunk" you need to plant more seeds man women are like plants would you just plant 1 seed? hell no makes no sence your ganna smuggle her and kill it. you get a bunch of seeds planted (women) then as they grow you have a variety of women to choose from and none of them need to be smuggled