Is relationship experience important?

[iceman16]

I'm a 25 year old guy, never had a relationship and I've been finding it hard to get girls to take me seriously. They seem to be really shocked that I haven't had any previous relationship experience and I feel that I'm being judged because of it. I'm a perfectly normal guy. Decent looks. Good job and very sporty. No idea how I'm suppose to gain experience, when I'm getting rejected for my lack of experience. I don't feel that I would be incapable in a relationship. I'm very attentive and loving person. I just wish girls would give me a chance.

So is having a lack if relationship experience a turn off or concern to girls?

 

[Iceberg]

It's not like...a job, man. A woman (who likes you) will not outright reject a relationship with you just because you haven't been in any. We're talking about a girl's emotions. If you have her wet emotionally, then she's not going to talk herself out of dating you for some weird logical reason.

But with that said....why are you even talking about your lack of relationships with these girls? I don't see this as being something you need to be 100% truthful about.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Are you having sex? Or when you say 'getting rejected for a relationship,' do you mean getting rejected for sex?

 

[corrector]

They seem to be really shocked that I haven't had any previous relationship experience and I feel that I'm being judged because of it. I'm a perfectly normal guy. Decent looks. Good job and very sporty.

So this may inadvertently be Displaying Low Value to those girls.

No idea how I'm suppose to gain experience, when I'm getting rejected for my lack of experience.

You are not being rejected for your lack of experience. You are being rejected for being an honest person dealing with superficial people. If you really had a relationship before then wouldn't that be bringing up memories about your "ex" whether good or bad? The logic doesn't make up any sense.

Looks like girls are just looking for a red-flag. It means they are border-line or flakey with you to begin with or they wouldn't care too much about that.

I don't feel that I would be incapable in a relationship. I'm very attentive and loving person. I just wish girls would give me a chance.

I still doubt that if someone is interested in you they'll get turned off if you didn't have a relationship before. What context is this? Is this people you are meeting from online dating or speed dating? How and when does this conversation get brought up?

So is having a lack if relationship experience a turn off or concern to girls?

It may be DLV to those girls, or it may be portraying yourself a player. If they are sounding shocked, then maybe they feel you are a player and don't want to commit. If it's DLV then I still don't think they are interested in the first place if that's going to be a deal-breaker.

I can tell you that I have personally been in a relationship before and that has not helped me get into another relationship. And, not being in a relationship before (where I really loved the girl) didn't prevent that relationship from happening.

It could also be one of those societal problems. If you don't get experience by a certain time then you fall behind and people feel something is wrong with you. But then is your whole life to be dictated by peer pressure, or what you want to do? I wouldn't be in a relationship with a woman I don't love just to say I had experience since I wouldn't feel proud of that experience at all.

 

[spiegel549]

I'm a 25 year old guy, never had a relationship and I've been finding it hard to get girls to take me seriously. They seem to be really shocked that I haven't had any previous relationship experience and I feel that I'm being judged because of it. I'm a perfectly normal guy. Decent looks. Good job and very sporty. No idea how I'm suppose to gain experience, when I'm getting rejected for my lack of experience. I don't feel that I would be incapable in a relationship. I'm very attentive and loving person. I just wish girls would give me a chance.

So is having a lack if relationship experience a turn off or concern to girls?

Just like when you interview for a job. If you are applying for a security job you tweak your resume to seem like you have experience where they hire you.

With a girl, pursue them as you normally would but if they ask how many girlfriends you have had before or w.e. just say "yeah I had a few relationships but they didn't work out you know how that goes."

Problem solved. Being truthful 100% of time will not work.

 

[TheWolfMan]

^ Exactly, I was going to say something like fake it till you make it.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Just like when you interview for a job. If you are applying for a security job you tweak your resume to seem like you have experience where they hire you.

With a girl, pursue them as you normally would but if they ask how many girlfriends you have had before or w.e. just say "yeah I had a few relationships but they didn't work out you know how that goes."

Problem solved. Being truthful 100% of time will not work.

Chicks are the kings of "white lies", sh*t the older they get the more they tell. Don't sweat it man....

 

[iceman16]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm really sturggling with dating. I completely agree that experience shouldn't matter. If a girl really liked me she would be willing to accept that I might make a few mistakes.

So a bit of context. The girls I'm dating are either girls that I've met at bars in town or through friends. I started dating about a year ago and have dated 8 different girls, non of which have got past the second date. I'm still a virgin(not out of choice).


I do try and escalate things to build that sexual tension/attraction and I'm not needy at all. I have a busy lifestyle and so my time is quite highly valued.

I honestly try to avoid this topic of conversation. But for some reason a girls always bring it up! I did lie once to one girl but then she asked a load of follow on questions which I couldn't blag and so I told he I was lying. Not a good move.

Are you having sex? Or when you say 'getting rejected for a relationship,' do you mean getting rejected for sex?

I'm looking for a relationship not a casual 1NS. But yeah I'm getting rejected sex as well as a relationship

The problem is, girls automatically think because I've had no experience that there is something wrong with me.

I just wish girls would not see it as a negative.

 

[pinkfl]

I personally don't see it as a negative, but it all depends on how you say it.

Saying "I haven't found anyone compatible enough to take seriously" sounds a lot different than "I've never dated anyone ever".

The first one is a positive, and shows that you've just been selective. The second one sounds like there might be underlying issues.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Women can sense your virginity. You need to get laid and get the v-card issue out of the way. Women have evolved to attach value to what is valued by other women; it's evolution, they don't have any choice. You will find that after you get the first girl, suddenly a second and third girl will want you.

The typical woman your age has probably had sex with twenty guys by now. At that level of experience, it is logical to avoid a virgin because they tend to become emotionally clingy. You need to date younger women with less experience. The less experience a girl has, the easier it will be for you to connect with her.

 

[corrector]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm really sturggling with dating. I completely agree that experience shouldn't matter. If a girl really liked me she would be willing to accept that I might make a few mistakes.

What mistake did you make? You don't have any emotional baggage from any prior relationship, you don't have any STDs, you didn't break up in your past relationship because you cheated or hurt the girl. You make a mistake because you don't fit some warped standard of some b1tch?

So a bit of context. The girls I'm dating are either girls that I've met at bars in town or through friends. I started dating about a year ago and have dated 8 different girls, non of which have got past the second date. I'm still a virgin(not out of choice).

We need more info: Are these hb7+ girls? What are their deficiencies or what do they have to offer to you? Do they have a clean bill of health of having no STDs - did you medically check them? I'm hearing this about you but nothing about these girls. You meet girls at a bar in town and through friends.

I don't understand if you meet a girl through friends that it doesn't work out to the second date. Did you ask THEM about THEIR relationship experience? Or how many guys they slept with? I mean, honestly, you can't have a one sided conversation about you, and nothing about them. Maybe you are not qualifying them enough or making them validate themselves to you.

I do try and escalate things to build that sexual tension/attraction and I'm not needy at all. I have a busy lifestyle and so my time is quite highly valued.

What EXACTLY do you do on your first date? If you dated 8 different girls on the first date and couldn't get a second date then something else must be going wrong. When do they usually bring that topic up? Statistically speaking, the average guy doesn't easily get to a second date most of the time anyway.

Better yet, why not list all of these 8 dates. Lets to from start to finish. What happened. When did the topic of relationships come up?

I honestly try to avoid this topic of conversation. But for some reason a girls always bring it up! I did lie once to one girl but then she asked a load of follow on questions which I couldn't blag and so I told he I was lying. Not a good move.

What load of follow on questions did she ask? I think that prospects should be looking for compatibility. What do you have in common with her? Where do you both picture yourself five years from now?



I think you need to take charge and reframe the whole discussion rather than playing into this and feeling something is wrong. Do you care what experiece SHE has? You only care if she hurt or cheated on her previous partner -- apart from that you want to know if she's compatable with you.

I'm looking for a relationship not a casual 1NS. But yeah I'm getting rejected sex as well as a relationship

The problem is, girls automatically think because I've had no experience that there is something wrong with me.

I just wish girls would not see it as a negative.

The first date experience sounds too logical when it should be more compatibility. Try learning some routine that makes it light and funny.

If a woman starts grilling you about your relationship experience what is she trying to do? Is she trying to get your "ex" back into your mind? Is she trying to see if you cheated on her or were at fault for the break-up? So, something is wrong with you if you don't have a string of broken-hearts who you used, abused, and cheated upon?

I'm sorry iceman, but these girls aren't LTR material if they think something is wrong if you don't have a string of broken-hearts or if you haven't hurt some women before. If you had a happy relationship you wouldn't be single, and nobody will admit fault for a break-up. Or you wouldn't say "I was a nice guy doormat with my "ex" and she got bored of me after she maxed out all of my credit cards, do you want to rape me next?". Like, what answers are these b1tches expecting to hear?

So, if someone is that logical to begin with, it doesn't sound like fun anyway.

Maybe you should put some back-bone and reframe this and turn it on them. You sound too apologetic for your lack of experiencean maybe that's the problem.

 

[corrector]

Women can sense your virginity. You need to get laid and get the v-card issue out of the way. Women have evolved to attach value to what is valued by other women; it's evolution, they don't have any choice. You will find that after you get the first girl, suddenly a second and third girl will want you.

If you had a relationship before it means that a woman(s) wanted you in the PAST, not now. Unless the OP is currently in a relationship and these girls are looking to poach a man who is already in a relationship, has exes that want him, or have other woman who want to see him then I don't see how have relationship experience translates to showing other woman want you. It means nothing now if you are single. If he wasn't single then he wouldn't be seeing these girls in the first place which makes that logic irrational.

The typical woman your age has probably had sex with twenty guys by now. At that level of experience, it is logical to avoid a virgin because they tend to become emotionally clingy. You need to date younger women with less experience. The less experience a girl has, the easier it will be for you to connect with her.

We can both agree that he's picking up the wrong types of women. But would you want to deal with a woman that's had sex with 20 guys? Would you want to get her medical record to see if she has HIV at this point? STDs, including HIV, are probably nasty, so if a woman has fvcked popular dudes whose fvcked lots of girls chances are she's infected and something is wrong with her.

Why deal with women who has been with that many guys? Lots of people here wouldn't feel comfortable with that anyway.

 

[LorenzoVonM]

You are dating these girls with a bad mindset. If I can feel it your post then you better believe that they can feel it in their interactions with you.

You are coming at this from a place of NEED and LACK. You are hoping that they will pick you. Pick me please. Pick me please. Why not me, I'm a good guy. If you are qualifying yourself to us here, that is what is in your thoughts. Those thoughts will create your words and behavior.

This is not how a man who is good with women operates. They should be trying to rope you into a relationship, that's what they want deep down inside. A measured challenge. You really have to BE it though and not using it as a technique.

Why haven't you had any relationships? Because you didn't need one, that's why. You have an awesome life, you are happy, and no girl has ever inspired you enough to get into one. You find girls today needy and clingy. A girl should only increase the happiness you already have. Can she do that for you?? Then you sit back and start asking her questions on stuff you like in a woman and what types you like. And you HOLD to those standards no matter what. Make her qualify to you.

 

[Bible_Belt]

would you want to deal with a woman that's had sex with 20 guys? Why deal with women who has been with that many guys? Lots of people here wouldn't feel comfortable with that anyway.

No sh!t, which is why women lie about how many men they've been with. I'm talking about the real number of sex partners; not what a girl admits to. It is typical to have slept around quite a bit by a girl's mid-20's, and that is about the time they start wanting to settle down with a secure, provider type of man. But if a guy is a virgin, he hasn't gotten to the point of being able to know what he does and doesn't like. And women know that. They want a man who has had enough experience to know for sure that he wants a committed relationship.

If you had a relationship before it means that a woman(s) wanted you in the PAST, not now.

The present woman will be attracted to you simply because a past woman wanted you. That's just how they work. When I started law school, I was still married, at least on paper. My then-wife lived a thousand miles away. I was p!ssed off about our relationship, grew a mountain man beard, and pretty much hated women. But at school, I had girls asking me to go to lunch or study with them, and when I told them I was married to a woman who lived in Florida, they would always be fascinated. As soon as they learned that some woman somewhere valued me enough to marry me, it would cause a spike in interest level, not a drop. Women are conditioned, by psychology, genetics, evolution, God - whatever you want to call it - to want what other women want.

 

[corrector]

No sh!t, which is why women lie about how many men they've been with. I'm talking about the real number of sex partners; not what a girl admits to. It is typical to have slept around quite a bit by a girl's mid-20's, and that is about the time they start wanting to settle down with a secure, provider type of man. But if a guy is a virgin, he hasn't gotten to the point of being able to know what he does and doesn't like. And women know that. They want a man who has had enough experience to know for sure that he wants a committed relationship.

Still the same issue. Do you want to be a beta-male provider for a woman who rode the c0ck carosel, had her fun, and now you get the leftover scraps and sloppy seconds? If what you are saying is true, then they have automatically disqualified themselves unless the OP wants to date a hor that gave it up for free to other alpha guys before him but he has to pay as the provider-chump. Such types eventually cheat when they get bored in the relationship anyway, treat the beta-chump badly, while the chump is the loyal and faithful ideal partner. That would be worst to the OP then getting involved in the first place. So, he has to meet a woman that isn't a hor that's given it to alpha males in the carosel before meeting him.

The present woman will be attracted to you simply because a past woman wanted you. That's just how they work. When I started law school, I was still married, at least on paper. My then-wife lived a thousand miles away. I was p!ssed off about our relationship, grew a mountain man beard, and pretty much hated women. But at school, I had girls asking me to go to lunch or study with them, and when I told them I was married to a woman who lived in Florida, they would always be fascinated. As soon as they learned that some woman somewhere valued me enough to marry me, it would cause a spike in interest level, not a drop. Women are conditioned, by psychology, genetics, evolution, God - whatever you want to call it - to want what other women want.

That's not fair. You said that you are married, that refers to a current state of a woman wanting you now. You never told them about the true state of your marriage, or that your wife doesn't want you so in a sense you lied.

If it was in the past then you would have said you are separated or divorced. How would the interest level spike then? You can't use a current interest to prove a past interest.

 

[LIKEaBAWZ]

I haven't encountered this question yet, even tho i havent had a relationship before. But women have asked me a few times if i have a girlfriend and when i say no they act surprised and say that i look like a guy who has a gf.

Anyway when someone you don't really know that well asks about your relationship history i would rather say that it's none of their business or just laugh and say that you havent had a relationship before and you consider yourself a lucky guy for not having a crazy b!tch that controlled you in the past.

 

[iceman16]

Women can sense your virginity. You need to get laid and get the v-card issue out of the way. Women have evolved to attach value to what is valued by other women; it's evolution, they don't have any choice. You will find that after you get the first girl, suddenly a second and third girl will want you.

The typical woman your age has probably had sex with twenty guys by now. At that level of experience, it is logical to avoid a virgin because they tend to become emotionally clingy. You need to date younger women with less experience. The less experience a girl has, the easier it will be for you to connect with her.

Yes I think girls can sense my virginity. However I don't think that having a couple of one night stands would solve my problem.
So are you saying women value men that have slept around?
Well in an ideal world I would like to meet someone who is in the same situation as me.

 

[iceman16]

What mistake did you make? You don't have any emotional baggage from any prior relationship, you don't have any STDs, you didn't break up in your past relationship because you cheated or hurt the girl. You make a mistake because you don't fit some warped standard of some b1tch?



We need more info: Are these hb7+ girls? What are their deficiencies or what do they have to offer to you? Do they have a clean bill of health of having no STDs - did you medically check them? I'm hearing this about you but nothing about these girls. You meet girls at a bar in town and through friends.

I don't understand if you meet a girl through friends that it doesn't work out to the second date. Did you ask THEM about THEIR relationship experience? Or how many guys they slept with? I mean, honestly, you can't have a one sided conversation about you, and nothing about them. Maybe you are not qualifying them enough or making them validate themselves to you.



What EXACTLY do you do on your first date? If you dated 8 different girls on the first date and couldn't get a second date then something else must be going wrong. When do they usually bring that topic up? Statistically speaking, the average guy doesn't easily get to a second date most of the time anyway.

Better yet, why not list all of these 8 dates. Lets to from start to finish. What happened. When did the topic of relationships come up?



What load of follow on questions did she ask? I think that prospects should be looking for compatibility. What do you have in common with her? Where do you both picture yourself five years from now?



I think you need to take charge and reframe the whole discussion rather than playing into this and feeling something is wrong. Do you care what experiece SHE has? You only care if she hurt or cheated on her previous partner -- apart from that you want to know if she's compatable with you.




The first date experience sounds too logical when it should be more compatibility. Try learning some routine that makes it light and funny.

If a woman starts grilling you about your relationship experience what is she trying to do? Is she trying to get your "ex" back into your mind? Is she trying to see if you cheated on her or were at fault for the break-up? So, something is wrong with you if you don't have a string of broken-hearts who you used, abused, and cheated upon?

I'm sorry iceman, but these girls aren't LTR material if they think something is wrong if you don't have a string of broken-hearts or if you haven't hurt some women before. If you had a happy relationship you wouldn't be single, and nobody will admit fault for a break-up. Or you wouldn't say "I was a nice guy doormat with my "ex" and she got bored of me after she maxed out all of my credit cards, do you want to rape me next?". Like, what answers are these b1tches expecting to hear?

So, if someone is that logical to begin with, it doesn't sound like fun anyway.

Maybe you should put some back-bone and reframe this and turn it on them. You sound too apologetic for your lack of experiencean maybe that's the problem.

When I say mistakes, I mean the possible mistakes that I might make. e.g. not being attentive enough or aware of her emotions etc..
I never initate the converstion about past relationshop ecperiences. She will always bring it up on the first or second date. I will reciprocate by asking the same questions back at her. Most of the girls I date are about my age and have had about 3 or 4 BF's. They seem baffled and confused when I tell them that I've never had a GF. It also kills the date. There is like this awkwardness from that point on. I respond by saying that I take realtionships seriously and I haven't found anyone worth being with. Plus also I've been focusing on my career a lot in the past few years.
I usually just take a girl for drinks at a pub/bar. I have mixed it up a bit with bowling and cinema before but I think casual drinks are best for a first date.

 

[iceman16]

You are dating these girls with a bad mindset. If I can feel it your post then you better believe that they can feel it in their interactions with you.

You are coming at this from a place of NEED and LACK. You are hoping that they will pick you. Pick me please. Pick me please. Why not me, I'm a good guy. If you are qualifying yourself to us here, that is what is in your thoughts. Those thoughts will create your words and behavior.

This is not how a man who is good with women operates. They should be trying to rope you into a relationship, that's what they want deep down inside. A measured challenge. You really have to BE it though and not using it as a technique.

Why haven't you had any relationships? Because you didn't need one, that's why. You have an awesome life, you are happy, and no girl has ever inspired you enough to get into one. You find girls today needy and clingy. A girl should only increase the happiness you already have. Can she do that for you?? Then you sit back and start asking her questions on stuff you like in a woman and what types you like. And you HOLD to those standards no matter what. Make her qualify to you.

I don't think I do come from a place of need. I am perfectly happy being single. I can attract girls when I'm out and about. Setting up a date I find fairly straight forward. It's just from that point on I struggle and it's frustrating

I'm still not entirely sure whether it's the girls I'm dating or me? I've dated girls from different backgrounds, ages, experinces, nationalities. At first I thought I was just unlucky, but when it's the same thing with every girl, I start to think it's me that's doing something wrong.

 

[corrector]

When I say mistakes, I mean the possible mistakes that I might make. e.g. not being attentive enough or aware of her emotions etc..
I never initate the converstion about past relationshop ecperiences. She will always bring it up on the first or second date. I will reciprocate by asking the same questions back at her. Most of the girls I date are about my age and have had about 3 or 4 BF's. They seem baffled and confused when I tell them that I've never had a GF. It also kills the date. There is like this awkwardness from that point on. I respond by saying that I take realtionships seriously and I haven't found anyone worth being with. Plus also I've been focusing on my career a lot in the past few years.
I usually just take a girl for drinks at a pub/bar. I have mixed it up a bit with bowling and cinema before but I think casual drinks are best for a first date.

This is sort of crazy as I don't think the women you are dating are being reasonable with you. I mean, are they going to start contacting your "ex" for a reference or to verify your story? You are really being honest with them and they are not being fair with you.

For all intents and purposes, if you dated 8 different women, went bowling or to a movie, then you have some experience. It's just you keep getting this catch-22. If you asked these same girls, if every bf did the same thing to them, then they would not have had a bf in the first place. The fact that you take relationships seriously is that you don't have a trail of broken hearts or you don't use women you are not attracted to. What are they shocked and confused about?

In one sense, I don't know if it's worth pandering to their type of logic since its twisted in the first place and it's not fair to you. Maybe you just haven't met the right girl, yet.

If you must pander to that logic because 8 times is a bit of a hit. Then you'll have to invent a fictional relationship and just make it airtight. Either make it out to be a summer romance where you both went your seperate ways once the season was over as your lives pulled you in other directions, or that your ex cheated on you and you broke up with her because of that. A summer fling/romance is the easiest to lie about without anyone being hurt.

In sales, this sounds like an "objection" that's being raised which is your sticling point. People often have a set of canned routines or lines they use automatically to counter objections. You can allow up to three questions from her (i.e. as much as you'd ask her) then say, you are over your ex and you have decided to move on with your life and no longer want to talk about this. She's your date not your therapist after all.