Is it wrong to feel bad for her?

[Hyper2010]

Hi Guys,
Just a follow up to someof my previous posts on here. I split with my ex, with whom I have two children back in November and I actually find myself in a strange situaion;

Initially when I left her (through her own choice/actions) I was in a real state and was constantly texting/ringing/e-mailing like an AFC to try and get back with her. She of course rejected me for beng needy/sloppy. Since then however I moved on, concentrated on work, got promoted, hit the gym, found a new Girlfriend and set up my own fully functioning busines, etc and generally sorted my life out.

My problem is this; I still see my kiddies, and when she dropped them off on saturday yesterday I actually felt SORRY for her. She is now on her own with three kids (two mine, one previous) is not entitled to benefits due to her high wage, and for obvious reasons is going to find a lot of things hard, ie daing, social, financial etc. Further more she still wears the ring that I bought her for her birthday and gives me attitude whn I pick my twins up!

I do pay for my children, $380 a month and I know she used for hat she could get, then threw me away...its just, I actually feel BAD for her, especially if I consider the ways in which Ive grown, advanced and developed.

Is this wrong of me? Am I weak for this?

I feel like the situation has been turned on its head for her, and I almost fee GUILTY for it!

Anyone else been in this same situation??

FURTHERMORE, everyon is convinced that when she goes back to work from maternity leave, feels the financial pinch etc she will come running back to me when she finds it hard.

 

[Hyper2010]

.

Also, she is older than me

 

[bigneil]

Bltch slap your inner wuss and find a younger woman. Stay close to your ex as a friend for the kids sake. And for the love of God don't call them kiddies.

 

[Rubato]

Read/listen to this https://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/01/03/the-rush/

I think I remember your original thread about this. Why did you leave her? You have children bro. Unless you are a moron, you would not leave your wife with whom you had children unless she did something seriously wrong. I think I remember you saying she cheated, but that may have been someone else.

How quickly we forget though, when it comes to love.

She did something VERY wrong and is paying the price for it! No, actually, you're paying the price for it, at least monetarily. I don't mean offense, but I would seriously consider how much you've grown and developed if you're feeling this way unless you got trigger happy and didn't have a good reason to leave her.

You say you feel bad for her. Are you being intellectually honest with yourself here? Seriously bro. On those psychological scales that tell you how badly life events mess you up, divorce is rated the highest, even higher than the death of your spouse, parents, or close friend! Are you confusing the fact that you are still emotionally damaged from this separation with feeling sorry for her?

I have never been married, much less divorced. But you guys had kids together and made some serious memories, for better and for worse. You had to have had some good times or else you would have never gotten married. Now it's gone. If you didn't feel bad about that, you'd be insane. I got messed up for about 2 months over a girl I had gone out with 4 times maybe last semester! That's not typical for me. But still.

I would say that if you feel guilty or sorry for her you are wrong and weak unless you unjustly threw her out.

If you justly threw her out... I would say it's much more likely you have emotional baggage to work through and are either not in touch with it or are in denial.

 

[floydb25]

I wonder why you're asking this... Are you wondering what the manly thing to do is? There's nothing wrong with having a heart, feeling sympathetic, being empathetic, caring, etc. Screw what any clowns tell you otherwise. This is called being a human.

Where I would draw the line is trying to get back with her out of sympathy or pity. It's ok to feel bad for someone less fortunate; maybe help out or make it easier if possible. Or at least, don't make it HARDER on them. Don't go bending backwards for her, or anything. Those are her problems at the end of the day - not yours.

I think people fail to realize that we're all human - including those that reject or break up with us. They're not evil monsters who deserve to die - though it feels that way at the time. In many instances, you feel guilty for wishing bad things on them, and don't feel as happy as you imagined when they're suffering. This is called your conscience. It's a good thing to have; keeps you in check; prevents you from being an evil monster yourself.

 

[Rubato]

Floyd, you need to differentiate between a person's conscious (good) and moral indignation (also good). This is what I mean:

I think a person would have a problem with their moral compass if they didn't feel sorry for a single mom who had 3 kids to feed, living pay check to pay check, who lost her job because of downsizing and doesn't know how she's gonna pay the bills.

But. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with failing to show sympathy and understanding to a serial rapist or child molester.

Sure, dude, people are human. Be patient with them. Be understanding with them. To a point. When someone does you legitimately wrong though, I believe you have a right to moral indignation. It's not okay with what they did. Isn't the failure to understand this one of the biggest reasons guys are AFCs? Because they continue to accept bad behavior from women?

Now, taken to the extreme, you're gonna become a man ruled by other people because you allow anger to control you. That's equally stupid.

But if someone did you legitimately wrong and you feel sorry for them? I think there's a problem there. Becoming righteously indignant does not mean you lost your conscious, it means you can stick up for yourself

 

[floydb25]

Ah, but that goes back to "two wrongs don't make a right". Just because SHE is a heartless ***** - doesn't mean you have to be. That just makes you feel miserable, and really how the vicious cycle keeps going. You become just like them. All the hate and bitterness from ruminating over how evil and heartless they are, and how you're going to sit back and watch them suffer. Or, worse, make them suffer, and try getting revenge on them. Afterall, they "deserve" it. Nobody feels good from this. Psychopaths and such don't feel at all, so they don't care. Forgiveness is a huge thing in life, and a key element in moving on gracefully. Otherwise, you're just hurting yourself.

It's not wrong to feel bad for her - regardless of what she did. She's still human, and none of us are perfect. I'm sure we all wronged others before. The only thing makes him a chump is if he takes this into action. The feeling itself isn't bad. Going out of his way for her, apologizing, acting super nice, etc while she's being a ***** is the chump thing to do. Just feeling bad is a great thing, and shows that he is better than her. This is where you look back and say "it's her loss, and was her choice.. it didn't have to be this way". She's basically reaping what she sowed. This has nothing to do with you; there's no reason to be a jerk and laugh or not care. But its out of your hands now... What's done is done.

 

[Juan Don]

Where I would draw the line is trying to get back with her out of sympathy or pity. It's ok to feel bad for someone less fortunate; maybe help out or make it easier if possible. Or at least, don't make it HARDER on them. Don't go bending backwards for her, or anything. Those are her problems at the end of the day - not yours.

yeah i was going to type something like this but he nailed it.