Is it really so unhealthy to be driven by anger?

[Cheeks]

Consensus on these boards seems to be that anger is a negative emotion and acting on it will only harm one in the long run.

I'm recovering from a pretty humiliating and devastating break-up (for me, not her obviously), and I find that the only thing that gets me out of bed and moving forward is focused anger. And I do mean blind rage.

I see it this way: right now I can try to tell myself "Hey man, **** happens, dust off and move on". But my heart and soul, if you'll excuse my pussiness, are not agreeing with my logical mind.

So essentially I'm running on fumes and the only thing that keeps me puttering along is this inconsolable rage that I've tapped into. I know it isn't exactly healthy, but it allows me to feel more like a man, certainly more than if I was dwelling in guilt, sorrow, or jealousy.

At work, I've been taking on more tasks and increasing my efficiency, not out of any sense of duty, but just from being pissed off and channeling that aggression.

At home, I'm working out, not because I care about my body so much as I just want to feel like I can beat the fvck out of someone.

I feel like an action movie character that lives for vengeance.

And by god, it's helping me, ever so slightly. I can feel myself turning into this emotionally dead machine.

So am I wrong? Can anyone relate?

 

[window]

good question...sounds to me though that you are taking the energy of anger and focusing it in a positive way. Hence the anger you had is no longer there. You are doing great....

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Cheeks,
Well Yeah I have been there too....But that doesn't make it in any way positive...Anger is a waste of time and energy...The great mistakes of my life have been made in what I must admit were (At the time) wonderfully satisfying bouts of anger...however one has to live with the aftermath...Anger and revenge as Oscar Wilde once remarked,are for the discerning,dishes they prefer to eat cold.

 

[Die Hard]

I can totally relate, man...

Anger has mostly been my no.1 motivation in life, it's what has pulled me through life, I'd be either dead or a homeless person lying in the gutter if it weren't for my anger.

Sometimes anger and hatred are the only things that allow you to survive, you know? But ideally, this should be just a phase, you should strive to get past that phase as soon as possible, not stay caught up in it...

Anger and hatred can provide incredible strength and power, especially if you know how to channel them, like you were describing. Still, they should only be your primary source of power temporarily or incidentally. It's like a field bandage for a soldier who got hit in battle, it will stop the bleeding and allow him to survive......for now. But eventually, he's gonna need proper medical care, the field bandage is only temporary.

So...use your anger and hatred to pull you through in hard times, but aim to let go of them as soon as you can. If you rely on them too long/too much, they will do damage to you, both mentally and physically. I'm speaking from personal experience...

 

[Atom Smasher]

As usual, Die Hard hit it on the head.

Anger is a force to be harnessed to accomplish constructive purposes in your life. It's one of those things that a man must learn to use when he needs it for his purposes, and replace it with rationality when it would turn on him.

I look at it as a king sending out his most fearsome general to win a war. He tells him, "Do what you need to do to win this war". I will not micromanage you. The general goes out, is not micromanaged, and delivers a brutal and total devastation to the enemy. The king realizes that the general is now extraordinarily dangerous to his kingship and to the kingdom, and he must therefore reel the general back in. The general is called back to the kingdom to debrief the king and recive his awards, and he is placed on a desk job until his fearsome power needs to be unleashed again.

OP, you are channeling your anger to positive things; That's great. My only concern is, what or who is the object of your rage?

Are you angry at her, at yourself, at the situation, or all three? Woa, I just re-read the last part of your message. It's NEVER a good thing to hurt someone else to assuage your rage. If you feel yourself turning into an emotionally dead machine, then you're in the danger zone.

This will sound trite, but breakups happen all the time, and they will continue to happen until you find the right one and settle down. They are inevitable. It would be far better for you to get ahold of yourself, identify where you could have been more effective, and apply the lessons to the next relationship, rather than to give vent to all this fury.

Listen, my friend, self-control is the mark of a real man. It is also one of the most difficult things to acheive. Your anger will eat you up and also damage other relationships. If you need help, then seek it out in the form of counseling. Mis-applied anger can really come back to bite you hard in the ass.

I know what I'm talking about. I have had latent rage inside me all my life. I used to constantly walk around imagining beating the crap out of criminals and bad guys, sometimes torturing and shooting them. I also found myself imagining shooting people I didn't like. Now mind you, I was never in any way tempted to actually do that. I fully knew that it was an imaginary thing to let off pressure, and I was never once scared of actually doing it. I only mention it to illustrate my familiarity with rage.

I think you would do well to examine what it is EXACTLY that you're angry at, and then channel that anger toward positive SELF-IMPROVEMENT. "Blind" and "rage" in the same sentence always indicates that the genie could be let out of the bottle and innocent people could be hurt. And I'd hate to see you get hurt, too.

Would it help to spill your guts about what happened here on SS? Most of the brotherhood here would be happy to help.

 

[Cheeks]

Would it help to spill your guts about what happened here on SS? Most of the brotherhood here would be happy to help.

I'm mostly angry at myself I think. I made some serious blunders in the relationship, and what's worse is that I knew they were mistakes even as I was indulging in them.

Moving in with her (biggest misstep of my life), acting as her personal therapist at times (which I've since come to learn from this site is a fatal error), failing to stay on my toes and maintain excitement. And I cheated.

But at the same time I'm pissed at her as well. I know what she did now. This site has made me aware of all the behaviors that women engage in before they break it off.

She essentially checked out of the LTR months beforehand. She kept me around, used me for comfort and stability, and then branch swung to a co-worker. Days before the break, she was treating me like a king to assuage herself of any guilt.

That's ****ed up. It makes me see her in a different light, and makes me even angrier at myself for missing her so much.

A very confusing rush of emotions, something I've never quite experienced before.

 

[survivorman]

@cheeks,

I was once in the exact same place as you now find yourself - anger was consuming me. There was really no choice but for me to channel it in some positive way.

For me, the outlet was to learn everything I could about modern relationships from a MAN's point of view - I ended up in this place (and others) and what I discovered only angered me more!

But, the anger was gradually replaced with a sense of gratitude -- gratitude for the small but growing group of MEN that have "unplugged from the Matrix" and are willing to share their knowledge and experiences with the rest of us..

So, what I've learned is that "anger" makes a poor *foundation* for a life plan, but it can make for a great *ladder* to climb out of the dark space you now find yourself in.

 

[Cheeks]

@cheeks,

I was once in the exact same place as you now find yourself - anger was consuming me. There was really no choice but for me to channel it in some positive way.

For me, the outlet was to learn everything I could about modern relationships from a MAN's point of view - I ended up in this place (and others) and what I discovered only angered me more!

But, the anger was gradually replaced with a sense of gratitude -- gratitude for the small but growing group of MEN that have "unplugged from the Matrix" and are willing to share their knowledge and experiences with the rest of us..

So, what I've learned is that "anger" makes a poor *foundation* for a life plan, but it can make for a great *ladder* to climb out of the dark space you now find yourself in.

You know it's funny, 3 years ago I had an arsenal of pick up tactics and a healthy mindset. I was happy alone, and women were mere distractions.

Then I fell into this LTR and stayed on my game for as long as I could, but I now know that pick-up/seduction and LTR game are two different beasts.

I only discovered the DJ forums after suffering through this break-up, and reading all this sage relationship advice is a constant painful reminder of everything I did wrong. And yet I can't stop.

I'm a glutton for pain I guess.