Is it possible for one event to drastically impact the course of a man's dating/sex life?

[SW15]

whereas in 2001-05, she'd need to physically be on her computer

The computer era of online dating had some interesting tactical rules that were promoted.

Around the early to mid 2000s, I remember reading some advice articles that stated not to respond to messages between Friday afternoon and late Sunday night. That rule was promoted to make it look like you had a real life and weren't a dork tied to a computer.

The fact I never attended a college party could at least partially explain the difference between your autist classmate and myself.

That classmate did go to parties regularly. He and I were even at some of the same college parties.

He was going to the bars a lot in his 20s before finding a woman on a dating app in his 30s that became his wife.

He put up an above average notch count over the years. He did some combination of short term sex and some extended relationships before starting the relationship with the woman who is his wife now.

He could say some real awkward things at times but I think he was better at reading cues than a lot of aspies/autists.

 

[SW15]

As for today specifically, I told a girl who works in my office building's cafe I'm attracted to her today (and no, not the cafe girl I have a thread about)

That is a direct opener. How was it received? Did you ask her to go on a date with you?

 

[BaronOfHair]

No, simply being an autist was why girls dreaded finding out they were my crush.

As we've discussed prior, this diagnosis you got back in HS(It's accuracy is thus highly questionable), and your constant use of it as a deflection, ignores evidence that's been emerging for quite some time https://reason.com/2007/09/12/could-it-be-that-all-men-are-a/

Now, what specific aspects of your behavior prompted/likely still prompt women(and probably just about everyone else)to conclude: "That dude's got a few screws loose"?

 

[corrector]

I'm surprized @MatureDJ did not chime into this thread. I'd imagine he would have said, as with me, the single one event that made the biggest impact, was to go to an ALL BOYS Catholic High School rather than either a CO-ED Catholic High School, CO-ED Private Christian school, or any co-ed High School. I'm not sure if it would have helped or hurt when I see other people's life trajectories, including the OP, where it seems that being in a CO-ED school did not do the OP any favours, and most people who are struggling or failing probably went to a CO-ED High School. On one hand it feels convenient for me to say that to put the blame on a decision made in the 1989/1990 year to end up in an all boys HIgh School impacted the trajectory for the rest of my life, on another hand, most likely it would not have made a difference.

 

[CornbreadFed]

I'm surprized @MatureDJ did not chime into this thread. I'd imagine he would have said, as with me, the single one event that made the biggest impact, was to go to an ALL BOYS Catholic High School rather than either a CO-ED Catholic High School, CO-ED Private Christian school, or any co-ed High School. I'm not sure if it would have helped or hurt when I see other people's life trajectories, including the OP, where it seems that being in a CO-ED school did not do the OP any favours, and most people who are struggling or failing probably went to a CO-ED High School. On one hand it feels convenient for me to say that to put the blame on a decision made in the 1989/1990 year to end up in an all boys HIgh School impacted the trajectory for the rest of my life, on another hand, most likely it would not have made a difference.

even if at a normal high school, @MatureDJ needs to talk to women to get the benefits.

 

[BaronOfHair]

I'm surprized @MatureDJ did not chime into this thread. I'd imagine he would have said, as with me, the single one event that made the biggest impact, was to go to an ALL BOYS Catholic High School rather than either a CO-ED Catholic High School, CO-ED Private Christian school, or any co-ed High School

Contact with a vijayjay is no doubt a shock to the system of fellas who spent grades 9-12 receiving rigorous, live-fire instruction in sodomy on a regular basis, with said fellas almost always being on the receiving end of such depravity

 

[corrector]

even if at a normal high school, @MatureDJ needs to talk to women to get the benefits.

Which is easier to do in a co-ed environment because there are girls there too.

 

[corrector]

Contact with a vijayjay is no doubt a shock to the system of fellas who spent grades 9-12 receiving rigorous, live-fire instruction in sodomy on a regular basis, with said fellas almost always being on the receiving end of such depravity

There were dirty guys who were into going to strip clubs or having connections with loose women, school dances (ie I did not participate on those at the time) that involved partipation with an all girls High School. It seems I would have prefered to have a nice close friend(s) of the opposite sex in a High School contet.

No, what you would likely see in an all boys High School is a whole class room going crazy when a nice women is walking across the front of the school, and hooting and hoolering. Or if the boys are going on a run around the neighbourhood in gym class to harass women that are walking on the street, that type of stuff.

Some of that girl-hunger is still instilled in me after that long time. Even now I'm very much attuned to looking at women around the environment, just with less raging hormones.

 

[RangerMIke]

Nothing wrong with introspection, as long as a man tries to learn from mistakes. But I would recommend a man avoid wishful thinking about how things could have been different and agonizing over past mistakes, because you cannot change the past. Use past experience to dictate what one will do in the present... understanding there is nothing you can do that will guarantee future results. This is the best way to live and avoid lingering negative emotion that will screw up your mindset.

"This happened in the past, won't do that again, I'll try something different... opps that didn't work either... I'll try something else." Learn by experience but don't dwell on it.

 

[SW15]

even if at a normal high school, @MatureDJ needs to talk to women to get the benefits.

@MatureDJ at a co-ed high school likely would not made much of a difference due to below average height.

All-boys high schools are tough environments for a lot of males. A boy's social success during Grades 9-12 at an all-boys high school would depend on the strength of his social network from the K-8 years. Some boys have a social network that's strong enough with good female connections to get through that. Other boys don't have that.

Boys who have younger sisters close in age (1-2 grades behind, either at co-ed schools or an all-girls schools) have a major advantage.

Most all-boys schools have a nearby all-girls school and there are some socials between the two schools. It doesn't happen frequently enough. Unless these social are weekly (I've never heard of that), it wouldn't be enough.

A male spending Grades 9-12 at an all boys school without the right social infrastructure in place can be a significant setback.

I think there are a lot of parents that send sons to all-boys schools that don't belong there. While the teenage sons are capable of handling the more rigorous academic environment, there are cases where the teenage sons are not socially equipped for success there. A lot of well intentioned parents overlook the social aspects.

 

[RangerMIke]

Muscles are the best solution to opportunities with women, especially under age 35-40. Looks are the #1 factor in seduction. Building a great physique will create opportunities. Women might show more IOIs pre-approach, women might swipe right more often, and women might also accept more date offers due to a good physique. Focus on building muscle.

I completely agree. Being physically fit is the single most important thing a man can do to be attractive. The problem is that it takes a lot of effort with discipline and you do not get overnight results. It takes a MINIMUM of 90 days of focused working out to even start to see results. Just do not allow this to turn you into a narcissistic jack@ss.

The reason why this gets lost is because there are too many PUAs and relationship coaches that focus of those things that build interest. Anyone that knows me will recall that I frequently quote Doc Love. The one area that I disagree with the late great one is that he doesn't separate 'attraction' from 'interest'. In his defense, his process is geared towards getting an maintaining a relationship, and if a man is not someone that likes to spend a lot of time in a gym, then he just needs to quickly screen out women that really are not attracted to muscles. They are out there, but these women are rare.

Most women are attracted to physically fit men, who dress well, and appear to have their sh1t together. If you want more women to be attracted to you then you have to be fit, wear clothes that do not make you look like a slob, and have friends and interests other than her.

If she is attracted to you, then and only then does what is called 'game' have an impact where interest becomes a factor.

 

[Clockwerk50]

@MatureDJ at a co-ed high school likely would not made much of a difference due to below average height.

All-boys high schools are tough environments for a lot of males. A boy's social success during Grades 9-12 at an all-boys high school would depend on the strength of his social network from the K-8 years. Some boys have a social network that's strong enough with good female connections to get through that. Other boys don't have that.

Boys who have younger sisters close in age (1-2 grades behind, either at co-ed schools or an all-girls schools) have a major advantage.

Most all-boys schools have a nearby all-girls school and there are some socials between the two schools. It doesn't happen frequently enough. Unless these social are weekly (I've never heard of that), it wouldn't be enough.

A male spending Grades 9-12 at an all boys school without the right social infrastructure in place can be a significant setback.

I think there are a lot of parents that send sons to all-boys schools that don't belong there. While the teenage sons are capable of handling the more rigorous academic environment, there are cases where the teenage sons are not socially equipped for success there. A lot of well intentioned parents overlook the social aspects.

My best friend in high school had a sister who was two years younger than him. Her friends would often sleep over at their house, pretty much every weekend, there was a new girl hanging around, along with the regulars. Needless to say, he was hooking up with them left and right.
It didn’t hurt that he was 6’4” but still, his pipeline kept increasing because of his sister.

 

[SW15]

My best friend in high school had a sister who was two years younger than him. Her friends would often sleep over at their house, pretty much every weekend, there was a new girl hanging around, along with the regulars. Needless to say, he was hooking up with them left and right. It didn’t hurt that he was 6’4” but still, his pipeline kept increasing because of his sister.

Having a younger sister 1-2 years younger is a gold mine for meeting females and getting females to consider you as a romantic/sexual option during the high school years.

After age 18, having a younger sister can have some benefits. The most important factor would be to live in the same city as the younger sister. The age gap difference in a factor too, and a 1-4 year age gap is most beneficial during adulthood. Once a younger sister gets into a serious relationships/married and her social contacts also get into serious relationships/married, that pipeline dries up fast. A 36 year old single male living in the same city as his 32 year old married younger sister isn't going to get any leads off of his younger sister anymore. There's a somewhat narrow phase of life where a man can build a pipeline of prospects off of his sister and that usually ends by the time his younger sister turns 30.

A younger female cousin in the same city can be helpful at times, but never to the degree of a younger sister.

Older sisters are rarely ever helpful for pipeline building purposes. The bigger the age gap, the worse it is. As an example, a male with a sister 5 years is older won't get any introductions off of that. Older sisters might be able to provide some insight into female nature, but that's the whole "fish trying to teach on how to catch fish" effect.

I know males that have gotten sex/relationships off of the younger sister relationship. That can be the difference between a struggling beta male and a beta male in a decent relationship getting regular sex.

Being physically fit is the single most important thing a man can do to be attractive. The problem is that it takes a lot of effort with discipline and you do not get overnight results. It takes a MINIMUM of 90 days of focused working out to even start to see results.

Yes, this is all true.

The reason why this gets lost is because there are too many PUAs and relationship coaches that focus of those things that build interest. Anyone that knows me will recall that I frequently quote Doc Love. The one area that I disagree with the late great one is that he doesn't separate 'attraction' from 'interest'. In his defense, his process is geared towards getting an maintaining a relationship, and if a man is not someone that likes to spend a lot of time in a gym, then he just needs to quickly screen out women that really are not attracted to muscles. They are out there, but these women are rare.

Most women are attracted to physically fit men, who dress well, and appear to have their sh1t together. If you want more women to be attracted to you then you have to be fit, wear clothes that do not make you look like a slob, and have friends and interests other than her.

If she is attracted to you, then and only then does what is called 'game' have an impact where interest becomes a factor.

This is also a good point. I read Doc Love during my 2001-2005 college days. His main concept was interest levels (ILs). He always expressed IL in a percentage basis, and he thought it was important to keep above a 50% IL.

Muscles/fitness, height, hairline, and facial aesthetics will raise the IL baseline that he mentioned. Personality aspects could either raise or lower interest.

 

[GoodMan32]

The computer era of online dating had some interesting tactical rules that were promoted.

Around the early to mid 2000s, I remember reading some advice articles that stated not to respond to messages between Friday afternoon and late Sunday night. That rule was promoted to make it look like you had a real life and weren't a dork tied to a computer.



That classmate did go to parties regularly. He and I were even at some of the same college parties.

He was going to the bars a lot in his 20s before finding a woman on a dating app in his 30s that became his wife.

He put up an above average notch count over the years. He did some combination of short term sex and some extended relationships before starting the relationship with the woman who is his wife now.

He could say some real awkward things at times but I think he was better at reading cues than a lot of aspies/autists.

That's an interesting rule (to refrain from replying to messages on the weekend). Even if you weren't tied to the computer at all times, the weekend tends to be when folks have more free time (in other words, they could reply to a message here and there on the weekend, yet still have a life)

Even though the parties could potentially explain your autist classmate getting short-term cooch easier than me, the fact he was able to get some extended relationships (and ultimately get married) would suggest he doesn't run into my problem where a woman loses interest upon getting to know him.

Another difference could have been the fact he was older than me...to a significant enough degree where there wasn't a MySpace or Facebook when he was in high school (so he didn't have as much opportunity to hide on a computer in high school)

I'd say I'm better at reading cues than a lot of autists too (but that's like being one of the best students in a remedial class; it doesn't exactly speak highly of me)

That is a direct opener. How was it received? Did you ask her to go on a date with you?

She's married (and I already knew that).

I wasn't looking to get anything out of it. Since I've flirted with her before, she was obviously already aware I'm attracted to her.

My flirts with her (and my telling her I find her attractive yesterday) are mainly practice.

The comment was received pretty well. She's aware she has good looks. And she said her husband even told her shortly after they got married "With your looks, I'm aware a lot of other men will be attracted to you. I trust that you won't cross any boundaries. I don't even have a problem with you being friends with men who find you attractive."

All in all, telling her I'm attracted to her was easy because I already knew what the outcome would be. I already knew I had no chance.

Cases where I (theoretically at least) have a chance are where I become cripplingly nervous.

As we've discussed prior, this diagnosis you got back in HS(It's accuracy is thus highly questionable), and your constant use of it as a deflection, ignores evidence that's been emerging for quite some time https://reason.com/2007/09/12/could-it-be-that-all-men-are-a/

Now, what specific aspects of your behavior prompted/likely still prompt women(and probably just about everyone else)to conclude: "That dude's got a few screws loose"?

As for what specifically about my autism made girls grossed out by me?

• My general unfamiliarity with social norms, even if I didn't do any of the extremely outlandish examples you gave.
• Many autists, myself included, lack facial expressions, which really freaks some folks out. Hell, I've had sex partners comment that even after I climax, I don't give any tells (in terms of my facial expression). As a result of my lack of facial expressions, I probably come across as a robot/human hybrid.
• Building on the unfamiliarity with social norms, there was also my unfamiliarity with social cues (which was way worse in high school than now). In high school, for example, if a classmate told me to stop doing something, I would think they were joking around...so I'd continue (I thought it was all in good fun)
• Which brings me to yet another point. I was incredibly emotionally/socially immature in high school. My social/emotional age was 5-6 years younger than my actual age.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I think if your hormones are high enough as a kid you’ll push through practically anything. I obviously hit bumps socially and with women as a kid but if you want to get laid you’re going to go get laid. It’s always in the back of your mind and you will go find it. Mistakes I made then were largely being receptive to peer feedback on what was good and not good on who and what to do with women. For example my friend told me his first time meant something, so I held off for that. Mistake in retro. Things like that.

 

[GoodMan32]

I'm surprized @MatureDJ did not chime into this thread. I'd imagine he would have said, as with me, the single one event that made the biggest impact, was to go to an ALL BOYS Catholic High School rather than either a CO-ED Catholic High School, CO-ED Private Christian school, or any co-ed High School. I'm not sure if it would have helped or hurt when I see other people's life trajectories, including the OP, where it seems that being in a CO-ED school did not do the OP any favours, and most people who are struggling or failing probably went to a CO-ED High School. On one hand it feels convenient for me to say that to put the blame on a decision made in the 1989/1990 year to end up in an all boys HIgh School impacted the trajectory for the rest of my life, on another hand, most likely it would not have made a difference.

Even though I didn't date in high school, I'd still say going to a co-ed school helped to some degree. I at least had experience talking to girls in high school (including the girl this thread is about). I might have not done as well with the opposite sex in college, even through tech methods, if I went to an all-male high school.

There were dirty guys who were into going to strip clubs or having connections with loose women, school dances (ie I did not participate on those at the time) that involved partipation with an all girls High School. It seems I would have prefered to have a nice close friend(s) of the opposite sex in a High School contet.

No, what you would likely see in an all boys High School is a whole class room going crazy when a nice women is walking across the front of the school, and hooting and hoolering. Or if the boys are going on a run around the neighbourhood in gym class to harass women that are walking on the street, that type of stuff.

Some of that girl-hunger is still instilled in me after that long time. Even now I'm very much attuned to looking at women around the environment, just with less raging hormones.

With all the nice backsides I saw just from walking through the hallway in high school (even at a 90% White high school...laugh emoji), I couldn't imagine going to an all-male school.

@MatureDJ at a co-ed high school likely would not made much of a difference due to below average height.

All-boys high schools are tough environments for a lot of males. A boy's social success during Grades 9-12 at an all-boys high school would depend on the strength of his social network from the K-8 years. Some boys have a social network that's strong enough with good female connections to get through that. Other boys don't have that.

Boys who have younger sisters close in age (1-2 grades behind, either at co-ed schools or an all-girls schools) have a major advantage.

Most all-boys schools have a nearby all-girls school and there are some socials between the two schools. It doesn't happen frequently enough. Unless these social are weekly (I've never heard of that), it wouldn't be enough.

A male spending Grades 9-12 at an all boys school without the right social infrastructure in place can be a significant setback.

I think there are a lot of parents that send sons to all-boys schools that don't belong there. While the teenage sons are capable of handling the more rigorous academic environment, there are cases where the teenage sons are not socially equipped for success there. A lot of well intentioned parents overlook the social aspects.

I have a younger cousin who graduates from an all-male high school this month. It will be interesting to see how he does with girls in the future.

 

[SW15]

the parties could potentially explain your autist classmate getting short-term cooch easier than me, the fact he was able to get some extended relationships (and ultimately get married) would suggest he doesn't run into my problem where a woman loses interest upon getting to know him.

He had enough short term interactions where women did lose interest, but not as fast as it seems with you. He also didn't rely on tech methods to meet women in college.

His current relationship has lasted nearly 10 years. That's good on retention. I haven't seen him in person since before his current relationship. I also don't talk with him regularly. I see his pics/videos on social media, which means nothing. Plenty of people in mediocre to subpar marriages have great social media content. Red pill family law attorney James Sexton has mentioned this in some interviews with YouTube content creators.

Another difference could have been the fact he was older than me...to a significant enough degree where there wasn't a MySpace or Facebook when he was in high school (so he didn't have as much opportunity to hide on a computer in high school)

This isn't that meaningful of a factor. There was enough internet content where he could have hidden on a computer in high school or college. He could also have hidden behind a TV set with cable/satellite TV in those days too.

I was incredibly emotionally/socially immature in high school. My social/emotional age was 5-6 years younger than my actual age.

Acting like an 11-12 year old at 17-18 would have been problematic as a senior in high school.

With all the nice backsides I saw just from walking through the hallway in high school (even at a 90% White high school...laugh emoji), I couldn't imagine going to an all-male school.

Plenty of White females have nice backsides. Having a good overall shape (slender or fit/athletic) will help with this. Some men might think a slender White female doesn't have that nice of a butt as it would likely be smaller. Her whole proportions would be smaller in that case and she'd be appealing for being petite.

 

[RangerMIke]

This is also a good point. I read Doc Love during my 2001-2005 college days. His main concept was interest levels (ILs). He always expressed IL in a percentage basis, and he thought it was important to keep above a 50% IL.

This is the only place I disagree with Doc Love, but it is a semantic disagreement. He says a woman has to have at least 50% interest in a man to have a shot. I say that a woman has to be 'attracted' to a man to give him a shot.

He doesn't separate attraction from interest: I do. His system still works, but it ignores that those factors to drive 'attraction', and very different from those factors that drive up 'interest'. Attraction is how you appear Looks, Money, Status. Interest is driven by behavior Challege, Self-control, and Confidence.

A woman can be physically attracted to a man... but over time his negative behavior will make her blind to his LMS... that when she dumps him, drives him off, and just cheats on him. But a man that doesn't at least meet her minimum acceptable levels of LMS... will NEVER have a shot... oh sure a man can keep trying and trying and trying, but if the chemistry isn't there, then really all that is happening is that she is settling... then you have to hope and pray that she eventually falls for you. Otherwise, you will be tortured, until you have had enough.

No amount of confidence, self-control or challenge will overcome a situation where a woman does not find a man physically appealing.

 

[MatureDJ]

@MatureDJ at a co-ed high school likely would not made much of a difference due to below average height.
A male spending Grades 9-12 at an all boys school without the right social infrastructure in place can be a significant setback.

I have had this discussion with friends from there. One guy (at that school since age 9 {it also had an all-boy's middle school } was on his way to being the 40 year-old virgin, and was even more hopeless than Steve Carrell's character , but he ended up having the grit to affirmatively ask folks he knew if they knew any single women, and eventually one landed on his plate. Another one simply aged into being desirable (he had built up a very large "Norm from Cheers" social circle, and so he was always being set up), and ended up marrying a gal that he had been set up with over 10 years before their 2nd set up (somehow she was always "busy" when he tried to meet up with her again , but over the decade+ of experience she had gained since then, she learned how not to be so busy the 2nd time ). In these 2 cases, the gals were from all-girls schools in the area. Of course, this was all before Tinder. Oh, and they are both 6'2" .

 

[GoodMan32]

My best friend in high school had a sister who was two years younger than him. Her friends would often sleep over at their house, pretty much every weekend, there was a new girl hanging around, along with the regulars. Needless to say, he was hooking up with them left and right.
It didn’t hurt that he was 6’4” but still, his pipeline kept increasing because of his sister.

In that case, the fact I never had a sister could at least partially explain my failure.

He had enough short term interactions where women did lose interest, but not as fast as it seems with you. He also didn't rely on tech methods to meet women in college.

His current relationship has lasted nearly 10 years. That's good on retention. I haven't seen him in person since before his current relationship. I also don't talk with him regularly. I see his pics/videos on social media, which means nothing. Plenty of people in mediocre to subpar marriages have great social media content. Red pill family law attorney James Sexton has mentioned this in some interviews with YouTube content creators.



This isn't that meaningful of a factor. There was enough internet content where he could have hidden on a computer in high school or college. He could also have hidden behind a TV set with cable/satellite TV in those days too.



Acting like an 11-12 year old at 17-18 would have been problematic as a senior in high school.



Plenty of White females have nice backsides. Having a good overall shape (slender or fit/athletic) will help with this. Some men might think a slender White female doesn't have that nice of a butt as it would likely be smaller. Her whole proportions would be smaller in that case and she'd be appealing for being petite.

You're damn right my younger social/emotional age in high school was a real roadblock.

Come senior year, even though I still talked to blondie (junior at the time), I also talked to a decent amount of sophomore girls, as well as even a sprinkling of freshman girls. The fact my 17 year old self was 11-12 on the inside meant my inner age was even younger than the freshman and sophomore girls (yet I was at least closer in age emotionally to freshman/sophomore girls than I was to senior girls, which was probably why I related better to freshman/sophomore girls than senior girls)

Even in the case of blondie being only one grade behind me, she was a summer baby just like me. Her birth month of August in the year of 92 puts her at a year and change younger than me. And she was nearly two years younger than the oldest girls in my grade. Which could explain why I clicked better with blondie than I did with my own grade's girls.

The social/emotional immaturity was a problem in college too, as my 20 year old self was 14-15 on the inside.

And yeah, I'm aware plenty of White backsides are nice. Stereotype suggests otherwise though; that's why I made a light-hearted joke about how even my 90% White high school had a lot of nice backsides.