jnMissouri
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2014
- Messages
- 793
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My gf of six months I suspect of having borderline personality disorder. Her behavior matches EXACTLY to that of another ex and my friends ex wife who was FORMALLY diagnosed twice with it. Even before I found that out from my friend, I had already self diagnosed an ex with BPD based on behavior I read about. Chase Amante has a great article on this I found recently too.
Signs:
-Explosive temper
-Hangs up every other fight
-Says let's break up every other fight but if I ignore it or agree, we pick up a few days later and never really broke up, push-pull, constant need to get me to chase her by fake breaking up to re-assure her I won't abandon her (the core need of a BPD), the list goes on.
-Says random things all the time, I'm going to become a nun, or moving to NY, or some other place she knows I'd never move to. Friends all say it's to get a reaction out of me and get me to chase her and give her validation that assures her I won't abandon her. Again, core BPD behavior seeking validation and assurance, testing to see if I really want her.
She is divorced, marriage fell apart first year. Little things she let slip indicated her husband had similar issues with her. She has rocky and unstable relationships but her body count is 4 including me, she is Asian, despite her looks not promiscuous. She is a 10, most BPD are very attractive. Looking at my relationships of the past and with her, I too walk away over trivial things to get her to chase me, hang up, etc. I think I too may have BPD. POSSIBLY, though friends say I absolutely do not. But my behavior matches hers to some extent.
What started it is a networking event she went to where a guy hit on her by asking if she is married, how'd you get so successful, etc. She wasn't wearing a ring and everyone there knew he was hitting on her. She told him no she has a boyfriend, etc. He proceed to ask what I do (testing to see how high value I am and if he has a chance). She told him I'm an investor, and they talked at a group table for 30 minutes, etc. From my perspective, if she were to go back (agreed not to without me) and he keeps talking to her it's almost like they are dating. So she agreed not to go without me and hasn't since.
Girls night out another time she called me and told me guys hit on her all night. In hind sight, at that point in the relationship I didn't call or text much and she didn't know how I felt about her and she constantly asked me how I felt about her. I think she was telling me about guys hitting on her (even 3 attempts at the mall in one day while shopping with her sister) because she was trying to see how I really felt about her since I wouldn't tell her. Eventually we expressed feelings of love for each other and that stopped.
We had a couple other fights and she had some expectations of me about not having pictures of numbers of exes on my phone, etc. I asked her to get rid of male friends and she did, and THAT, she has NEVER once not even during fights tested with me or gone back on. I also asked her not to hang out with other guys or go to events where there are guys without me. She agreed. We also share our locations with each other to build trust via a GPS app. Everything I asked of her, even not going out to dinner with her girlfriend so regularly (legit but the girl is a bad influence/party girl, cheats on her bf) she has done. This goes both ways by the way, if a female ex-colleague texts me saying she's been thinking about me and asks how I've been, she immediately accuses me of it being an ex, says she clearly has feelings for me and says I should go be with her, doesn't want me to call her, etc...but later pretends she doesn't care....but if I do she shows she does....
I get on her about things sometimes and question her about things. Like if I call her (twice in 6 months) while out at dinner to verify what she's doing. The more I do it the less she likes it. I do it because sometimes her story changes little details and even my most Zen friends say yeah that's suspicious but not cheating, probably out with her gf but you don't like her going out so she tries to hide it now. But things always check out. The more she pushes back on it the more I search for clues of lies and question her. The more I do that the more she pushes back. The more she pushes back the more I question her. Borderlines don't like boundaries and try to test them. She recently after a fight turned off the GPS sharing. I walked. Three days later she reached out and agreed to turn it back on. She lost that test.
Most recently she told me she was going to see her sister in Vegas. I didn't say no (BPD's don't like boundaries I've learned) but I told her I didn't like it. She somewhat ghosted all weekend BUT...left her GPS tracking on. Didn't respond to calls or texts for a day, but called me twice Saturday and talked. Let me know she was in her room by herself and the other time she was out at lunch with her sister and her sisters husband and kids. I said hi to her and she said hi back (I've met her and she was in the background, she called with them there so reassure me I'm sure despite not wanting to break and contact me). So yes she is legitimately in Vegas with her sister. What I don't like about it is that she's out until 3 AM gambling two nights and extended her trip AND ignores texts and calls, but did call me twice Saturday. The second call she hung up on me for no reason, my friend was with me and he just like all my friends said it's not me it's her. She has an explosive temper. Part of me thinks that was her way of taking back control after calling me to reassure me a little bit, let me know what's going on, but saving face because she DID break down and call me.
So here is the thing, I think it's partly me and partly her. I don't like her going out because it takes time and attention from me, guys will hit on her and it's a risk, and I'm a homebody so I don't like going out (and once when I told her if she goes out all the time I will too and she stopped doing that right away. Even if I do go out, women don't hit on men like men hit on women. She can passively get attention that I can't. I acknowledge and have said it to her many times go out for girls night ONCE in a while. But no bars and let me know where you are going. She agreed.
Her half ghosting me in Vegas despite keeping GPS location sharing on was not OK with me. She said she doesn't want me to ruin her trip with her sister (sister lives there) by my constant checking on her, etc.
I do feel I need to back off, but how to back off by still have my needs met with boundaries? I've been in relationships with women for 10 years that had zero issues with boundaries and liked that it went both ways.
Friends who have heard her on the phone say she is immature and crazy, that it's not me. But, I do acknowledge at times I can be distrustful. Me calling her once in a blue moon to verify that she's alone at a place like she says isn't that bad, but I question little details she gives me during those calls because her story changes (I was working on my laptop on wifi at the restaurant for 2 hours until close. I call the place and they have no wifi. I tell her that and she says I never said wifi, I said hot spot. I tell her nope, you distinctly said wifi. Then her story changes to I used both, and little details about the wifi keep changing.
That said, I went to see her during her work trip for her birthday. She had tried to make up excuses for me not to go. I became suspicious. Then later on she told me she wants me to surprise her not plan it with her. So I went. I caught her in a little white lie. She lied about her office and the class she takes being in separate areas. Turned out when confronted that the GPS always shows her in the same building, not the other building, when she got to California, she found out the office for work was in the same space of a class I asked her not to go to which she didn't. But later on I thought about it and told her to go but not to associate with guys in the class which she agreed. She said she lied because she was afraid if I found out her office is in the same space as the class I'd tell her to come home.
To some extent I created an environment that is too strict, I need to loosen up. But I don't like guy friends or hanging out with guys and she has no issues with that. So where do I go from here to salvage this? So my needs are met without driving HER nuts?
ONE THING I WILL SAY. ANYTIME I WALK AWAY FROM HER AND GIVE HER SILENCE AND DISTANCE OR TELL HER OUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER, SHE COMES BACK AND DOES THINGS MY WAY. But strife will continue if I don't adjust my behavior so I don't drive her nuts and become overbearing/questioning her and looking for clues of lies.
Signs:
-Explosive temper
-Hangs up every other fight
-Says let's break up every other fight but if I ignore it or agree, we pick up a few days later and never really broke up, push-pull, constant need to get me to chase her by fake breaking up to re-assure her I won't abandon her (the core need of a BPD), the list goes on.
-Says random things all the time, I'm going to become a nun, or moving to NY, or some other place she knows I'd never move to. Friends all say it's to get a reaction out of me and get me to chase her and give her validation that assures her I won't abandon her. Again, core BPD behavior seeking validation and assurance, testing to see if I really want her.
She is divorced, marriage fell apart first year. Little things she let slip indicated her husband had similar issues with her. She has rocky and unstable relationships but her body count is 4 including me, she is Asian, despite her looks not promiscuous. She is a 10, most BPD are very attractive. Looking at my relationships of the past and with her, I too walk away over trivial things to get her to chase me, hang up, etc. I think I too may have BPD. POSSIBLY, though friends say I absolutely do not. But my behavior matches hers to some extent.
What started it is a networking event she went to where a guy hit on her by asking if she is married, how'd you get so successful, etc. She wasn't wearing a ring and everyone there knew he was hitting on her. She told him no she has a boyfriend, etc. He proceed to ask what I do (testing to see how high value I am and if he has a chance). She told him I'm an investor, and they talked at a group table for 30 minutes, etc. From my perspective, if she were to go back (agreed not to without me) and he keeps talking to her it's almost like they are dating. So she agreed not to go without me and hasn't since.
Girls night out another time she called me and told me guys hit on her all night. In hind sight, at that point in the relationship I didn't call or text much and she didn't know how I felt about her and she constantly asked me how I felt about her. I think she was telling me about guys hitting on her (even 3 attempts at the mall in one day while shopping with her sister) because she was trying to see how I really felt about her since I wouldn't tell her. Eventually we expressed feelings of love for each other and that stopped.
We had a couple other fights and she had some expectations of me about not having pictures of numbers of exes on my phone, etc. I asked her to get rid of male friends and she did, and THAT, she has NEVER once not even during fights tested with me or gone back on. I also asked her not to hang out with other guys or go to events where there are guys without me. She agreed. We also share our locations with each other to build trust via a GPS app. Everything I asked of her, even not going out to dinner with her girlfriend so regularly (legit but the girl is a bad influence/party girl, cheats on her bf) she has done. This goes both ways by the way, if a female ex-colleague texts me saying she's been thinking about me and asks how I've been, she immediately accuses me of it being an ex, says she clearly has feelings for me and says I should go be with her, doesn't want me to call her, etc...but later pretends she doesn't care....but if I do she shows she does....
I get on her about things sometimes and question her about things. Like if I call her (twice in 6 months) while out at dinner to verify what she's doing. The more I do it the less she likes it. I do it because sometimes her story changes little details and even my most Zen friends say yeah that's suspicious but not cheating, probably out with her gf but you don't like her going out so she tries to hide it now. But things always check out. The more she pushes back on it the more I search for clues of lies and question her. The more I do that the more she pushes back. The more she pushes back the more I question her. Borderlines don't like boundaries and try to test them. She recently after a fight turned off the GPS sharing. I walked. Three days later she reached out and agreed to turn it back on. She lost that test.
Most recently she told me she was going to see her sister in Vegas. I didn't say no (BPD's don't like boundaries I've learned) but I told her I didn't like it. She somewhat ghosted all weekend BUT...left her GPS tracking on. Didn't respond to calls or texts for a day, but called me twice Saturday and talked. Let me know she was in her room by herself and the other time she was out at lunch with her sister and her sisters husband and kids. I said hi to her and she said hi back (I've met her and she was in the background, she called with them there so reassure me I'm sure despite not wanting to break and contact me). So yes she is legitimately in Vegas with her sister. What I don't like about it is that she's out until 3 AM gambling two nights and extended her trip AND ignores texts and calls, but did call me twice Saturday. The second call she hung up on me for no reason, my friend was with me and he just like all my friends said it's not me it's her. She has an explosive temper. Part of me thinks that was her way of taking back control after calling me to reassure me a little bit, let me know what's going on, but saving face because she DID break down and call me.
So here is the thing, I think it's partly me and partly her. I don't like her going out because it takes time and attention from me, guys will hit on her and it's a risk, and I'm a homebody so I don't like going out (and once when I told her if she goes out all the time I will too and she stopped doing that right away. Even if I do go out, women don't hit on men like men hit on women. She can passively get attention that I can't. I acknowledge and have said it to her many times go out for girls night ONCE in a while. But no bars and let me know where you are going. She agreed.
Her half ghosting me in Vegas despite keeping GPS location sharing on was not OK with me. She said she doesn't want me to ruin her trip with her sister (sister lives there) by my constant checking on her, etc.
I do feel I need to back off, but how to back off by still have my needs met with boundaries? I've been in relationships with women for 10 years that had zero issues with boundaries and liked that it went both ways.
Friends who have heard her on the phone say she is immature and crazy, that it's not me. But, I do acknowledge at times I can be distrustful. Me calling her once in a blue moon to verify that she's alone at a place like she says isn't that bad, but I question little details she gives me during those calls because her story changes (I was working on my laptop on wifi at the restaurant for 2 hours until close. I call the place and they have no wifi. I tell her that and she says I never said wifi, I said hot spot. I tell her nope, you distinctly said wifi. Then her story changes to I used both, and little details about the wifi keep changing.
That said, I went to see her during her work trip for her birthday. She had tried to make up excuses for me not to go. I became suspicious. Then later on she told me she wants me to surprise her not plan it with her. So I went. I caught her in a little white lie. She lied about her office and the class she takes being in separate areas. Turned out when confronted that the GPS always shows her in the same building, not the other building, when she got to California, she found out the office for work was in the same space of a class I asked her not to go to which she didn't. But later on I thought about it and told her to go but not to associate with guys in the class which she agreed. She said she lied because she was afraid if I found out her office is in the same space as the class I'd tell her to come home.
To some extent I created an environment that is too strict, I need to loosen up. But I don't like guy friends or hanging out with guys and she has no issues with that. So where do I go from here to salvage this? So my needs are met without driving HER nuts?
ONE THING I WILL SAY. ANYTIME I WALK AWAY FROM HER AND GIVE HER SILENCE AND DISTANCE OR TELL HER OUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER, SHE COMES BACK AND DOES THINGS MY WAY. But strife will continue if I don't adjust my behavior so I don't drive her nuts and become overbearing/questioning her and looking for clues of lies.
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