Is it ever ok to ask why?

[oztradamus]

Some of you may remember i had a situation with a girl that i wanted to be more than friends with. At first she was all over me and then when i failed to kiss her, back off. Well tried one last time to kiss close after kino, and she told me that she knew i was interested in her and that she was not interested in me. That was a hard blow to take.

Anyway i have 2 questions. The first is, should i ask her why she isnt interested? I know most of you will probably want to curse me out for even sugguesting that, but i thought i would get some opinions on that. Second, ever since it was put out in the open that i was interested and she wasnt, our relationship has changed. The first week after, i didnt call her or see her on campus. She was then telling my friends that she felt bad for rejecting me, thought i was mad at her, and missed me because before we were pretty close friends. Then shortly after that, she started to call me alot, about every other day. She would even give me wake up calls so i wouldnt be late for class. She even cooked for me once and would call me during her family functions to see how im doing. What the hell is she doing? Is she showing interest or something else? Im pretty confused about this situation. Please help!

 

[squirrels]

Nah...if you don't know, they're certainly not going to tell you.

Seriously...if you don't know WHAT you did wrong, she is going to assume you just don't have a clue when it comes to pleasing women. It's also possible you did NOTHING wrong...and she's just not turned on by you, or maybe she's being a flake. You should be able to tell the difference.

So...having read the "DJ Bible" (you've read it, right??) and knowing what you know about how women work, if you had to take a stab at why she wasn't interested...what would it be??

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by squirrels
Nah...if you don't know, they're certainly not going to tell you.

Seriously...if you don't know WHAT you did wrong, she is going to assume you just don't have a clue when it comes to pleasing women. It's also possible you did NOTHING wrong...and she's just not turned on by you, or maybe she's being a flake. You should be able to tell the difference.

So...having read the "DJ Bible" (you've read it, right??) and knowing what you know about how women work, if you had to take a stab at why she wasn't interested...what would it be??

'nuff said...

 

[NatureGuy]

I agree with you that the situation sounds somewhat ambiguous. She sounds like she likes you (as a friend) and if you like her too why not keep the friendship? She might even be able to give you advice on attracting someone else (and in asking questions of that sort, you could gauge whether she has any romantic interest in you !) Asking her why she isn't 'interested' could prove ackward and she probably would not tell you the real reason (if she even knew herself - it might just be a feeling she's expecting that's not there). But she likes you as a friend at least - keep her !

 

[Ice Cold]

I'd try kissing again

 

[TesuqueRed]

One of my favorite authors (steele) would ask to see where he screwed up, but he was a 40 or 50 year old man asking a 25 yr old and the chick had nothing to lose and would give a direct answer.

I don't think you can get a useful answer out of her in your position--you're in her social world with common friends and she has something to lose. You probably won't get a real answer. Or you'll get a partial answer. Or you'll get an answer that contains the truth but you won't know how to interpret it yet.

There's one reason for you to ask that will be useful: 10 years from now you'll remember it and be able to interpret what you missed at the time. It won't do you any good now.

But for now--she's not interested, and you now know all you need to know. That awareness is simple, direct and efficient. Move on.

Other points:
She's calling you a lot because -- a) you're in her social world and you still have some value and b) she is taking pity on you and is trying to make it so your feelings aren't that hurt.

B) is the worst -- adults do that for little children--try to fix "hurt feelings". IMHO, you're in a potentially pathetic position and you DON'T want to be there. Asking her will re-inforce this, so think hard before doing it. Best course is to eject -- date others, take 1/2 her calls, move on, give her 1/2 the attention, date chicks hotter than her. Don't make a point of doing this to her, just get busy socially and it'll happen.

She may re-evaluate and then try to catch you back. But to get to that, you need to make no excuses and no apologies and move up and onward. Do it right and she'll want to follow. In effect, your world will get that much more bigger and valuable and she'll want to join it.

 

[Wyldfire]

She's not interested in you but likes that you're interested in her. It gives her an ego boost. Don't mistake her small gestures as interest. It's nothing more than her throwing you a few bones here and there to keep you interested so her ego gets fed.

 

[DeathDealer]

She's not into you and is acting nice because she feels bad.

 

[oztradamus]

I understand what squirrels and TesuqueRed r saying. Since she found out how i felt about her, i havent called her except to return her calls a day or two after, and ive only gone to her place twice and that is when she cooked for me. To answer squirrels question, i know what i did wrong, if anything, it was the fact that i hesitated when she showed some initial interest. She is either just not interested or doesnt want to ruin our friendship. Besides her mom, i am the closest person to her, so that could be a reason for the calls, but the fact that she doesnt want to hurt my feelings could also be a reason. The problem that i am having is that i dont know how to act around her. I still want to be with her and i dont know if i still have a chance with her. So should i just tell myself to move on and wait and see if she comes around or just be done with her all together.

 

[johnny_chase]

sounds like you missed the window and got sorted into the "just friends" bin

 

[oztradamus]

if that is the case, how do i get out of the "just friends" bin?

 

[TesuqueRed]

Originally posted by TesuqueRed
...Best course is to eject -- date others, take 1/2 her calls, move on, give her 1/2 the attention, date chicks hotter than her. Don't make a point of doing this to her, just get busy socially and it'll happen.

She may re-evaluate and then try to catch you back. But to get to that, you need to make no excuses and no apologies and move up and onward. Do it right and she'll want to follow. In effect, your world will get that much more bigger and valuable and she'll want to join it.

Out of the good friends bin? A classic question, I never get tired of seeing that one.

Anyway, it's really bad form to quote yerself, but I thought I had hinted at a recommendation here for this.

Actually -- this isn't all. There are some classic threads on this but you'll have to go back 1-2 yrs in the archives for it.

Um, good luck..

 

[ScrewIt]

dont ask, they wont give you the truth.

they will attempt not to appear mean or rude, plus they also want to be liked by everyone. So they'll just give you an indirect answer like, "you're not my type" or "im already seeing someone".