I outlined exactly what you should do in my post above. Everything I said still applies. It doesn't sound like you did what I suggested. I was right about staying at home being his comfort zone. You seem to prefer being extremely non-confrontational with him, and then freaking out in private, to actually taking the steps you need to make yourself happy. Figure out what you want and need from him. Make clear to him what you need. He'll either work with you on those, or you should move on.
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is he just freaking or does he want out?
- Thread starter 32swf
- Start date
Good_ol_boy
Senior Don Juan
You indicated in your first post that he is 30 and his longest relationship was 6 monthes. Perhaps what he is (not) doing may be a clue as to why. Do you want to spend the next 12 (weeks, months, years-whatever) hanging at home on the couch? Some people are fine with this, are you?
trajhenkhet
Senior Don Juan
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Someone got cold feet...
TesuqueRed
Master Don Juan
4 weeks and they spent 3 nights together in a row. Of course he needed some time to himself. This is a very natural reaction. I wonder why 32swf didn't feel the same need?
6 weeks and she's already coming down heavy with wanting (needing by the sounds of it) to know whether this is going somewhere or not.
It's only 6 weeks, it's way the fvck too early to tell, she hasn't been with this person enough yet to know if she really fundamentally likes him (takes me months to do this...) let alone "love" him.
Ask this question at 3 months if you need to do early, or 6 months normally---and that's if you really dig the guy, otherwise hit [eject] before that.
I'm sensing that we're seeing a woman's version of one-itis at play here (the "date others" advice is right on, btw...) A large component of this I bet is a lot of imagining how good things are, how good things could be, erecting fantacies of what it could mean...an active imagination and pre-planning going on, and the angst and insecurities that goes with living in fantacy land instead of the present. It's a subtle and deadly game (my own weakness for quite awhile too..)
I would say that 32swf needs to ease up on the throttle but not sure how a person pulls out of a dive like that once started. It can be done, but you can't pretend it didn't happen or that the rules are suddenly different or that your expectations and demands just suddenly evaporated and everything is different--very hard to pull off.
6 weeks and she's already coming down heavy with wanting (needing by the sounds of it) to know whether this is going somewhere or not.
It's only 6 weeks, it's way the fvck too early to tell, she hasn't been with this person enough yet to know if she really fundamentally likes him (takes me months to do this...) let alone "love" him.
Ask this question at 3 months if you need to do early, or 6 months normally---and that's if you really dig the guy, otherwise hit [eject] before that.
I'm sensing that we're seeing a woman's version of one-itis at play here (the "date others" advice is right on, btw...) A large component of this I bet is a lot of imagining how good things are, how good things could be, erecting fantacies of what it could mean...an active imagination and pre-planning going on, and the angst and insecurities that goes with living in fantacy land instead of the present. It's a subtle and deadly game (my own weakness for quite awhile too..)
I would say that 32swf needs to ease up on the throttle but not sure how a person pulls out of a dive like that once started. It can be done, but you can't pretend it didn't happen or that the rules are suddenly different or that your expectations and demands just suddenly evaporated and everything is different--very hard to pull off.
Whoa... Whoa.. Nelly. Hey, I am 30 something too but if a guy I was just seeing less than a month gave me a book for both of us to read and ****... I would say that's a red flag.. Are you sure he isn't gay.. that was very very AFC in my opinion. And you guys are doing waaaaaay too much relationship talking. Just have fun. You are obsessing about this guy and need to get out and get a life and just be patient.
Honestly, I don't think he is going to make it long term with you. He simply hasn't shown enough interest. I mean sure, the book and all but a man that is really into you will want to bang you. And if he doesn't want to from the start then why would you want to be with him.. I wouldn't be worried about what he is thinking. I think you need to think about what you are getting out of this.
I don't mean to sound harsh but this man has no idea what he wants and usually those men, will end up hurting you later on.... He is clearly a mess and confused.. Chances are he will stick around, you will continue to obsess a nd then all of a sudden he will end it and meet someone else and you will be left wondering.. Read the signs now. Have fun with him but get out and date others.
A women should never ever put all her eggs in one basket.. Men can smell oneitus from us a mile away. Especially, at 30+... You should be having two or three men vying for your attention and dates. I didn't say you should be sleeping with all 3 though. No. Just date and have fun..
Good luck
Honestly, I don't think he is going to make it long term with you. He simply hasn't shown enough interest. I mean sure, the book and all but a man that is really into you will want to bang you. And if he doesn't want to from the start then why would you want to be with him.. I wouldn't be worried about what he is thinking. I think you need to think about what you are getting out of this.
I don't mean to sound harsh but this man has no idea what he wants and usually those men, will end up hurting you later on.... He is clearly a mess and confused.. Chances are he will stick around, you will continue to obsess a nd then all of a sudden he will end it and meet someone else and you will be left wondering.. Read the signs now. Have fun with him but get out and date others.
A women should never ever put all her eggs in one basket.. Men can smell oneitus from us a mile away. Especially, at 30+... You should be having two or three men vying for your attention and dates. I didn't say you should be sleeping with all 3 though. No. Just date and have fun..
Good luck
32swf, listen to tamales, she's an expert on being a mess and confused...
Great post tamales, I hope she understands what you just told her.
I think it's time for 32swf to date a few other guys. Six weeks, babe...give your guy some space.
Great post tamales, I hope she understands what you just told her.
I think it's time for 32swf to date a few other guys. Six weeks, babe...give your guy some space.
Framboise
Banned
Yea you definately need to just give him a little space. If a girl tryed to stay with me 3 nights in a row id start to feel claustrophobic. Back off a bit and see his reaction.
myfriendblu
Master Don Juan
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BIG, ATOMIC size red flag right here, under your nose. hey your new to this thing, so i forgive ya.
Common medication that directly affects the sex drive in a negative way are often anti-depressants. if thats the case, it would would explain his quirky, strange behavior and his rapidly changing moods towards you. The fact that he hasn't had any long time relationships in his life only further prove my point . Next him, find someone else.
Gee thanks O
Wink.. And yes, swf32 calm down. I noticed you posted another thread on here. Didn't read it yet but assume it is about the same guy. TOOOOOO many fish in the sea. Chill out.. You are clearly, obsessing and men can detect that and hate it Well, they love it perhaps, but doesn't mean that he will give you anything more.
Your mind set should be on having fun.. Think about what you want and if you don't have a clue just DO NOTHING and date others.. I mean this guy seems like a loser. I don't know but I wouldn't dream of being with a man who had a low sex drive and was all AFC and all.. Of course, ask me again in a month or two
Good luck girl, but give this up for now or simply, just enjoy it. I mean why toture yourself.. I have learned many lessons the hard way. My former DJ is now calling.. WHen I simply calmed down and moved on and didn't obsess anymore or push.. he came to. Not that I would go back... But hell, he called from out of the country to say he was thinking of me.. on a business trip..
I say whatever. If I want to see him again, I will and if not, I won't. RIght now I have lots of other options in the works and it FEELS great. Take care of yourself first. Don't be a chumpette like I have done time and time again, but no more
Wink.. And yes, swf32 calm down. I noticed you posted another thread on here. Didn't read it yet but assume it is about the same guy. TOOOOOO many fish in the sea. Chill out.. You are clearly, obsessing and men can detect that and hate it Well, they love it perhaps, but doesn't mean that he will give you anything more.Your mind set should be on having fun.. Think about what you want and if you don't have a clue just DO NOTHING and date others.. I mean this guy seems like a loser. I don't know but I wouldn't dream of being with a man who had a low sex drive and was all AFC and all.. Of course, ask me again in a month or two
Good luck girl, but give this up for now or simply, just enjoy it. I mean why toture yourself.. I have learned many lessons the hard way. My former DJ is now calling.. WHen I simply calmed down and moved on and didn't obsess anymore or push.. he came to. Not that I would go back... But hell, he called from out of the country to say he was thinking of me.. on a business trip..
I say whatever. If I want to see him again, I will and if not, I won't. RIght now I have lots of other options in the works and it FEELS great. Take care of yourself first. Don't be a chumpette like I have done time and time again, but no more
his sex drive is fine, He does "want to bang me" he was just having a problem with "completion", but we are sleeping together, that's not an issue. It's great.
I'm not pushing him into doing anything. HE'S the one running from something that's not really there. I haven't asked for anything! I'm not telling him to call me everyday at 7, and see me every Saturday, and telling him that he has to check in with me,
I'm not pressuring him to do anything!!
HE'S imagining that he's not going to be able to do what he wants IF he officially commits to me. But I haven't done or said anything. HE brought it up, saying, "I know I"m not giving you what you want, and it doesn't mean I can't or I won't, just not right now."
I don't know what he thinks is going to change. I didn't invite myself to stay at his house for three nights in a row, HE asked ME!! Yes I want space too, but I'm NOT chasing him!!! He's running away on his own!! I'm not smothering him. Just the opposite. He does all the calling and asking. I backed WAY off 2 weeks ago when he said we should slow things down, and he TOLD me that I wasn't pushing him, he just wanted to be upfront and honest with me.
I don't think he's a loser. Confused and brutally honest maybe, but not a loser. I know he used to be a BIG AFC and pushed a couple of women away by chasing after them and moving things too fast, so he's being the opposite now.
He can have all the space he wants. If someone comes along, I'll go out with them.
I'm not pushing him into doing anything. HE'S the one running from something that's not really there. I haven't asked for anything! I'm not telling him to call me everyday at 7, and see me every Saturday, and telling him that he has to check in with me,
I'm not pressuring him to do anything!!
HE'S imagining that he's not going to be able to do what he wants IF he officially commits to me. But I haven't done or said anything. HE brought it up, saying, "I know I"m not giving you what you want, and it doesn't mean I can't or I won't, just not right now."
I don't know what he thinks is going to change. I didn't invite myself to stay at his house for three nights in a row, HE asked ME!! Yes I want space too, but I'm NOT chasing him!!! He's running away on his own!! I'm not smothering him. Just the opposite. He does all the calling and asking. I backed WAY off 2 weeks ago when he said we should slow things down, and he TOLD me that I wasn't pushing him, he just wanted to be upfront and honest with me.
I don't think he's a loser. Confused and brutally honest maybe, but not a loser. I know he used to be a BIG AFC and pushed a couple of women away by chasing after them and moving things too fast, so he's being the opposite now.
He can have all the space he wants. If someone comes along, I'll go out with them.
Fine then, I see no problem and wonder why you posted at all?? That is if you really feel this way.. LOL..I have been there and know that while i say I am okay with a situation, the truth is I wanted or expected more and simply, obsessed on how I could act or do or say to get there faster..
This man is who he is and either have fun and accept it or move on. I just don't want you to think that you can change him. ANd honestly, I feel that if he really, and I mean really was into you he wouldn't be this confused. I mean ****, it shouldn't be this hard (not after only six weeks especially) and it just seemed you were tourchering yourself and obsessing about this when it should be FUN!. SIx weeks is nothing! Good luck and sorry if I misjudged. I still say this guy may not be a loser but he ain't for you.. not right now anyways... And no man when he really and I mean really likes a girl would let her get away or say **** like this. Not even a DJ. A DJ fallin in love or whatever would at least say nothing.
Just my opinion tho... Seems you have it ALL under control. There are no easy answers or quick fixes.. I was just trying to help you see that this scenario may not making YOU happy and as a woman who has been hurt and gone through a similar scenario...that should be your focus. I mean all of us could be on here trying to figure a particular thing or person out..
That's not what being a DJ or Djuanita is about. It's about making the most and best of you. It's about being happy, not torturing yourself or hurting others or trying to play mind games or make quick fixes to get a certain reaction in someone..
Probably made no sense but I am now ready to fly the coop Sp? I was horrible in English and just leave this board and move on and enjoy life.
THis place has been great tho and well, addictive Good luck g32! And when you do get hurt, really hurt when this man moves on.. just know someone better is out there and learn from it I don't mean to sound mean or patronizing. I am not. Believe me. I am not mean and like all on here men alike, just trying to improve and learn..
EEEEE Gawds! we women can rant and rave a long while, can't we.. Don't answer that.
Good luck!
This man is who he is and either have fun and accept it or move on. I just don't want you to think that you can change him. ANd honestly, I feel that if he really, and I mean really was into you he wouldn't be this confused. I mean ****, it shouldn't be this hard (not after only six weeks especially) and it just seemed you were tourchering yourself and obsessing about this when it should be FUN!. SIx weeks is nothing! Good luck and sorry if I misjudged. I still say this guy may not be a loser but he ain't for you.. not right now anyways... And no man when he really and I mean really likes a girl would let her get away or say **** like this. Not even a DJ. A DJ fallin in love or whatever would at least say nothing.
Just my opinion tho... Seems you have it ALL under control. There are no easy answers or quick fixes.. I was just trying to help you see that this scenario may not making YOU happy and as a woman who has been hurt and gone through a similar scenario...that should be your focus. I mean all of us could be on here trying to figure a particular thing or person out..
That's not what being a DJ or Djuanita is about. It's about making the most and best of you. It's about being happy, not torturing yourself or hurting others or trying to play mind games or make quick fixes to get a certain reaction in someone..
Probably made no sense but I am now ready to fly the coop Sp? I was horrible in English and just leave this board and move on and enjoy life.
THis place has been great tho and well, addictive
Good luck g32! And when you do get hurt, really hurt when this man moves on.. just know someone better is out there and learn from it I don't mean to sound mean or patronizing. I am not. Believe me. I am not mean and like all on here men alike, just trying to improve and learn..EEEEE Gawds! we women can rant and rave a long while, can't we.. Don't answer that.
Good luck!
USSOCOM
Senior Don Juan
This guy sounds a little AFC , I'm not one to judge people, but I would say time will tell....
, I'm not one to judge people, but I would say time will tell....