Is broken heart the catalyst to become DJ?

[stormwriter]

I'm wondering whether someone can make the transition from AFC to DJ without having that one (or more) experiences of broken hearts and/or extreme rejection. I really think you need that heartbreaking experience to "push" you to the other side. I think this is because the skills a DJ aquires are so "counter-intuitive." Who would have thought ignoring a girl would make her want you more? Or that buying her things would make her like you less?

I know my AFC technique in the past wasn't working for me. It took me YEARS to figure that out. Constant trial and error, so i had nothing to lose, and everything to gain by becoming a DJ.

What are your thoughts on this subject? I'm guessing MOST of us were AFC's in the past. Is there a catalyst?

 

[InLawsHateMe]

I would say yes... sometimes ya got to get burned, to learn.

..and if you haven't been dropped, you really should one time.

Ya have to know the rules to break em.

With that said, my younger brother has never had his heart broke, and he's a DJ in my eyes. He's a good looking guy, rich as hell, just turned 27, and we're blood, so he knows how to f*ck. He's been dating this chic for a few years so.. I dunno... I would say ya have to experience certain matters of the heart to learn it's secrets though.. I dunno what he knows as far as that goes... *shrugs*

Then again, he really didn't start dating until he was out of college.

 

[T.T. Boy]

It certainly was for me, although for a long time I was just a jerk. While this did get me laid, I was unable to maintain anything meaningful with a girl beyond a few weeks (I was too 'mean'). Eventually things evened out, though, to the point where I can get laid but not act so heartless and cruel.

 

[RKTek]

A severely "broken heart", and everything else at that time too for that matter, got me here.

AFC
Codependent
Avoidant
Dependent
Depressed

You name it, I was there about 3 years ago. There was nowhere to go but up. Even then I was so far down in a fetid hole I had to crawl just to get myself back up to ground level.

For whatever reason most of us are raised in less than supportive, unconditional love family environments. We all have levels of abandonment fears due to emotional detachment in our formative years. We then drag these inner preconceptions and deep needs into our romantic relationships. What unwittingly happens is that we often recreate the unsatisfactory mom-dad-child relationship with our woman.

Are you still with me?

Anyway, this leads to all kinds of weird complications, when really all we want is someone who makes us feel good at the same time we make her feel good, too. Normal and natural. But because we've been inculcated from childhood with dysfunctional patterns, and because it is very, very painful for most people to do anything outside their comfort zone of "the way we've always done things", it takes a trauma to change.

Often it takes heartache, heartbreak, and sometimes more than one heartbreak for reality to "whup you upside yo haid". Such life-changing scenes come with a price.

To quote Morpheus: "Welcome to the real world, Neo."

You find that reality is NOT what you thought it was and that you must be willing to accept and adopt a new and sometimes scarey paradigm to be successful.

The sweet thing is that you realize you don't have to go through all the weirdness and strangeness that modern society forces on men. You find that the DJ way is innate and natural, it's just that society has perverted things so much, it at first only seems counterintuitive.

Yes, I'm glad I took the red pill.

 

[stormwriter]

CHECK THIS OUT.

Here is what prompted me to seek higher knowledge:

I had two HOT girls on the line at once. Girl #1 broke up with me, then Girl #2 found out, and she dumped me a couple days later too, and also told me she was having a purely sexual relationship with this bad boy type guy that doesn't care about her, he's already in a relationship, and she has feelings for him.

This is Girl #2's exact email to me:
"hey dude -
I still feel really bad about not telling you all this and then just kind of throwing it on you like it was no big thing. And THEN for *****ing about how it's stressing me out and expecting you to like sympathize or something when it's totally all my doing and I know I probably shouldn't be doing it anyway!

Anyway, I want to stay buds with you and I hope thats okay (and enough) for you. I know I probably misled you (by asking you to kiss me and what not) and I'm sorry. I do like you but I just don't want to get into any real kind of relationship and I shouldn've have done what I did with you. So is it okay if we're friends? (Haha that's like two girls telling you that in one week! But I actually do want to stay friends!)

I hope it won't be awkard for you and I hope I didn't disappoint you."

Then, like a wuss, i get mad and write this to her:

"Well, i do understand. I don't know how else to put it. It's just a lot of female-oriented stress i've had the past few weeks/months, and all for what?
Not much.

Man, it sure would be nice to be the bad boy in life.

Is he banging the hottest chicks possible? YEAH.

Does he have to be in a stressful relationship with a chick? NO.

Do you think he worries about chicks feelings? NO.

Do you think he's in therapy? NO.

Does he have chicks fawning over him? YEAH.

Does he have to be a great guy? NO. "

She writes back:

"being the bad boy isn't very rewarding though is it?

Do they ever really meet someone they care about? NO
Do they respect anyone they're with? NO
Do they really matter to the girl? NOT PARTICULARLY
Do they ever form any deep connections? PROBABLY NOT
How fun is that? NOT VERY (AT LEAST NOT FOR LONG)
Do you want to really be like that? I DOUBT IT

Be who you are...if you want to be a bad boy and go "bang" a bunch of girls all the time without any emotional connection at all, then do it! ****, you could've done it with Melissa if you wanted. But why didn't you? Why didn't you just go along with her non-emotional attitude about the relationship? Because it's not you. Because you wanted to care about her. And what I'm doing isn't really me either, and I'm realizing that now. I want to care about this guy (or at least pretend like we care about each other) but I just can't cuz he's not my type AND I don't want a relationship AND I definitely don't want one with him. Anyway, I'm either going to stop *****ing about the stress this whole thing is causing me or stop doing it completely. Either way, I'm sorry that I hit a nerve with you. If I hurt you or am the part-cause of you seeing a shrink about all these girl ****, then I really do apologize. Especially if I led you on. I'm a big jerk I guess. "


Sorry its so long, but its a true look inside the brain of a woman, and the whirlwind of emotion relationships with women cause.

 

[Azariah]

I agree with RKTek. I would venture that an overwhelming number of DJs here started off in situations like those portrayed in the famous Charles Atlas muscle building ads in the back of comic books in the 60s (http://www.tomheroes.com/Comic Ads/classic ads/newpage1.htm). "Tired of hearing 'Let's Just Be Friends'? Try sosuave.com and change your love life forever!!"

Most of us came here to make a change for the better in our lives.

For me personally, the transition is going better than I could have imagined. I consider myself lucky to possess many good traits already. I'm friendly, charismatic, good looking, etc, etc. I was just having lunch with one of my best friends discussing how we became the alpha males of our social circle. (We decided that it was largely due to the fact that we took the initiative and made the overwhelming majority of decisions regarding group activities.) After my last LTR ended with my girl leaving me for another guy, I dated around with very little success. I was griping about the situation to my sister, and she responded "I really don't understand why you're having trouble with women. You've got all the right ingredients." So I took a long, hard, honest look at myself. I realized what I was lacking, especially with women, was genuine, consistent confidence and assertiveness. As RKTek suggested, I was also projecting my past dysfunctional relationship patterns onto every new romantic relationship I entered into. My faults are much easier to fix now that I've identified them.

But I'm straying off a little off topic here. Yes, I strongly believe that most people's stories are somehow like mine and like the Charles Atlas ads. One too many failures combined with a desire to better ones own situation lead them change their lives for the better. And here we are helping each other out along the path.

 

[squirrels]

I was reading some relationship thread on another message board when someone posted a link to this site.

I figured that my current philosophy wasn't helping me, or getting me anywhere in the rest of my life, so I decided to give this one a shot.

I think I've finally accepted the philosophy, but attitude and action are a whole other step in themselves. My will is far less open to change than my mind. But it's happening, a little at a time.

I had been reading these forums and websites for a little while, but it WAS one particular girl who was driving me nuts that drove me to dive into these ideas.

I'd be lying if I said I was "over her," but at least I'm not "under her," cuz that's where I was headed if I didn't do a psycho-socio-spiritual 180.

 

[Quick]

I think that to really embrace some of the ideas here, you have to first understand that being a "nice guy" doesn't work. Either you have trouble getting girls, or the girl leaves you or cheats on you. If I didn't know for sure that I was doing something wrong, I would have never had a reason to change some of the things i do.

 

[J-Man]

Originally posted by stormwriter
I know I probably misled you (by asking you to kiss me and what not)

HAHAHA

how stupid we are to believe this shyt at one point in our lives over the age of 7

 

[Lone_raider]

Absolutely, I had heart break and severe rejection one time, and my AFC clinging only made things worse and worse. My situation ended in a total meltdown of both the situation and myself. When I recovered I became incredibly angry at all woman, this was my harsh over reaction, in fact I didn't care if I ever had a woman ever again.

Eventually this changed my mindset, then I began searching online for answers and I stumbled upon this site. The first time I read the DJ bible I began to see things clearly for the first time in my life. I remember reading the information and thinking about all the things I did wrong, how much of a pathetic Sap I was and I actually started laughing out loud in my chair. Sounds crazy, but this information was so incredibly enlightening I couldn't contain my feelings. I realized this was just a gigantic game of sorts, a game I had played wrong my entire life, but now I would never make those mistakes again, I was going to be in control and never again would I fall into that same trap I originally did

 

[Starman]

I went from an a$$hole to this chick to AFC (Ive never even heard of DJ principles) and wondering what the fvck went wrong?

I had this girl obsessed with me..then I became a clingy whiny little b1tch (mostly due to losing my job, getting drunk, depressed and clingy)

She dropped me like a hot potato..and I didnt get it? SO I did some searches to find out more about my personality..dating..and women mentality..when I stumbled onto here.

before this site..I just coasted in the dating game..never even thought about how my actions/words, confidence(or lack of it) affected my game..hell , I ddidnt even know the word "game" before this site.

 

[rastlin2021]

i guess it is usually thru some failures that you find a need to change your current mindset from an AFC to DJ.

heart-broken is definitely one of them, cos I am also.

I only made up my mind to change after a heart-broken relationship.

 

[Bonhomme]

The Angry Heart

It was the angry heart in my case. Angry at the person I used to be for being so blind and stupid.

 

[InLawsHateMe]

This is a good post.... just like Squirrels, I was going through my AFC phase, after my divorce. I still had enough skillz to meet women, but being an AFC was shooting myself in the foot everytime I wanted to proceed further in the relationship. Just as I was about to lose another woman to AFC, someone posted a link to this site from another relationship board. I wish I could remember who he was.... it saved my relationship. Today, I'm strong like bull.

To truly see what kind of a AFC I was, ya have to read my emails to my ex... it'll make you throw up.

LET ME FIND ONE!!! 8)

 

[silverdog]

well, i would say i am an recovering afc my self, slowly recovering, but recovering, it all began with a heart ache about 3 months ago, i was given the *shudder* LJBF line, i was an ultimate afc now that i look back on it, so what did i get? girl leaves me, and goes for some other green haired coloured fag! i came to this site for answers, answers i needed BAD! i kept saying to my self, no it had to be me!? i had to do some thing wrong for her to leave me, and it was, sad to say....sigh, why must women be programed like this.

 

[Jay_VCU]

The thing about me, for a while I didn't realize something was wrong with me. I kept blaming on the girls, saying they were immature. It wasn't too hard to attract girls because I'm naturally a funny and ****y kind of guy. At the time I didn't know what I was doing. But I would go AFC not too long after we got together. They would break up with me after like 2 weeks or cheat on me. One girl broke up with me right when I was on the verge of saying, "I Love You.(Had not even kissed her yet, too much of a wussy to step up) " I was ignoring the signs. She wanted to take it to the next level, but I didn't step up. If AFC'ing has a website, I probably followed their instructions to a tee. I called every day, I never put her on the spot or anything. When guys would step to her I would act like a jealous wuusy.

There is this other girl that I've known for a bout three years. We have been stuck in this weird cycle for a while. I would be the cool, confident, funny guy. We'd hook up. I'd start acting needy. We'd break up. This happened twice. If not for the Don Juan techniques it would probably happen again. I'm letting her know that I'm coming strong this time.

As for the first girl, next time I see her I'm gonna hit her up with some DJ techniques, bang her, then call it quits.

 

[numlock]

just that i was, in general, socially impotent

it most more of an effort to become an all around DJ who has the ability to converse in a deeper level with anyone, so that when a nice girl comes along, i wouldn't have to do anything out of the ordinary to hook her

 

[MrNiceGuy]

Looks like most people arrive here with almost all the same experiences.. one-itis, LJBF and general lacking in confidence in yourself.

I dunno, I guess from the start I never had the confidence to make a move on anyone at all..
Partly I think this was to do with not being part of the "in" crowd at school, I had enough self confidence and intelligence to avoid being seen as a loser or being bullied but not enough confidence to get the consistent respect of the "in" crowd. This was partly my fault due to neediness and wanting to be part of the group.

I watched too much TV where people just 'get together' you know in soaps, they'll be sat talking and suddenly stare into each others eyes and they both just know to kiss each other...I kept thinking I'd make friends with the girls I fancied and then that would happen to me, it didn't. I got stuck in LJBF a few times and looking back with a few girls I probably could have got somewhere if I'd gone for it but I didn't..

When I got to uni (ie no one knew me, no reputation and a chance to turn it all around) my overall confidence was good, but as far as seducing women went it was rock bottom, I wasnt too hot at making friends with them either cos suddenly all the super confident guys were making friends with girls whereas at school they hadnt bothered. I screwed up a couple of chances where it was handed to me on a silver platter, again, due to self-doubt, and then I pretty much gave up.. I didnt meet anyone that I really liked so I didnt bother trying with anyone.

Then last summer I went on holiday and realised that going and chatting to complete strangers wasnt that hard at all.. so I came back determined to sort it knowing that being single for this amount of years at my age shouldnt happen, and confident that I could do it.. except I'm still having trouble.. hence, I'm here.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

I did a random search and found this sit about 2 years ago. Right out of High School so I didn't get a chance to dance to the DJ steps in there. I did the old date someone you don't really like but you think you "love" them. For a year we broke up got back together, repeat. Then i dropped her and never looked back, hating most all women. I didn't realize it was my lack of confidence that was screwing me up.

I think you don't need to have heartbreak to be a DJ. It just gives what your doing a lot more sense. They say you learn from your mistakes better than anything else in life. Those of us (most of us) who have had their heart smashed understand why now. This site has helped me tremendously in building my confidence and picking up on what women are really doing.

 

[Bungo Pony]

I agree very much with RKTek about dysfunctional families (RK, have you read Toxic Parents?). Understanding one's self is very important to change the path that a person's on. Just recently, a light broke through when I realized why I hate getting affection (a hug) from my mother. I associated touch with pain.

I was desperately looking for affection in relationships, however I always went down the wrong path to achieve it. This led up to my ex-fiance leaving me in June 2001 which knocked me off my feet. I couldn't understand WTF went wrong, so I searched around on the internet. I began reading articles on getgirls.com which eventually let me here. Much like Lone_raider, I was very enlightened with the new knowledge, realizing how I fvcked everything up in my past, and yes, laughing at my stupidity.

When I became single again and began learning things on this site, I met a girl, asked her out, and I got the "friends" line. I agreed. She had watched me go through my healing process, and watched as I improved myself. She fell for me, and we ended up dating. I was already dating one other girl, and I suddenly found myself dating 2 women at once, something I never dreamed of. It didn't last, but I learned a lot from it.

With every girl I dated, and even my current fiance, I've gone into it with open eyes, and I continue to do so. The side effect from practicing everything on this site is losing the initial excitement and floaty head feeling from entering a new relationship, but I don't mind trading that in for awareness.

....and in case you're wondering, I'm still working on my autobio. It's getting fvcking long, but it has all my fvckups in it.