Is being SINGLE - getting used to being HURT

[Jean Valjean]

Hey brother DJs

(I posted here to get some rplies from the mature gents who know what I am going thru.)

After a long separation I'm newly single (divorced). Problem is that I'm in my 40's look 30 though. The club scene looks rough to me. Wondering what I got myself into. Previously had the undying loyalty of a steady partner.

Now it seems that girls I develop feelings for will let me know that they hit a club on the weekend - and if pressed also admit they danced and talked to some guy, (prob swapped #s) etc.

This hurts especially when you've develped feeings for a pretty woman even though not a "girl friend'. In my young stud days before I married I just cared about getting laid and not about relationships so I never got hurt. The one girl I married stayed with me all the years - never had to worry.

How do you play this when you're in your 40's I have read the DJ bible to know that I should just shrug it off and act like I don't care if a girl I'm dating tells me she hit a meet market club with some friends and danced with some guys.

If the girl is very pretty I feel very vulnerable like every joe is going to hit on them and I start getting jealous That some guy will be fccking them way before I do if I even do ...

Acting or getting possessive is the wrong thing to do for a DJ. right? How do you deal with the hurt of other guys moving on your turf when you are not around. If you like a particular girl is it worth asking her to be exclusive or are you shooting yourself in the heart when she dumps you and you have no backup chick.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Hey brother DJs

(I posted here to get some rplies from the mature gents who know what I am going thru.)

After a long separation I'm newly single (divorced). Problem is that I'm in my 40's look 30 though. The club scene looks rough to me. Wondering what I got myself into. Previously had the undying loyalty of a steady partner.

Now it seems that girls I develop feelings for will let me know that they hit a club on the weekend - and if pressed also admit they danced and talked to some guy, (prob swapped #s) etc.

This hurts especially when you've develped feeings for a pretty woman even though not a "girl friend'. In my young stud days before I married I just cared about getting laid and not about relationships so I never got hurt. The one girl I married stayed with me all the years - never had to worry.

How do you play this when you're in your 40's I have read the DJ bible to know that I should just shrug it off and act like I don't care if a girl I'm dating tells me she hit a meet market club with some friends and danced with some guys.

If the girl is very pretty I feel very vulnerable like every joe is going to hit on them and I start getting jealous That some guy will be fccking them way before I do if I even do ...

Acting or getting possessive is the wrong thing to do for a DJ. right? How do you deal with the hurt of other guys moving on your turf when you are not around. If you like a particular girl is it worth asking her to be exclusive or are you shooting yourself in the heart when she dumps you and you have no backup chick.

You answered your own question in the last sentence. You build a network of women you see/sleep with (aka "spinning plates") so as to keep from getting Oneitis. You do this for so long, it becomes a part of you, you get better and stronger as a man who doesn't need women, and if you want to get in a LTR/marriage again, it will be for the right reasons: Because you desire it with a woman you have qualified, not because you NEED it.

Women need men who don't need women, get it? If you need a woman, you are weak and undependable, and have alot of work to do. If you don't need a woman, she perceives you to be strong, and you start getting the chicks.

A newly single man, what a rush that must be! I would advise you to hit the ground running in your new life. You aren't some eHarmony pvssy; you aren't worried about women and "other guys" and all this garbage; it's time for you to become what you want to become, now that you are free. Become a strong, spontaneous man of adventure; hit the gym and eat like a tiger, get big. Go skydiving. Shoot rifles. Get back in touch with your nature, your true independent, masculine nature.

 

[amoka]

I suggest you check meetup.com to see any dancing classes or any other group that will interest you. I would suggest you join a dancing class though since that build on your confidence level by dancing with other chicks in the dance class.

 

[STR8UP]

Acting or getting possessive is the wrong thing to do for a DJ. right? How do you deal with the hurt of other guys moving on your turf when you are not around. If you like a particular girl is it worth asking her to be exclusive or are you shooting yourself in the heart when she dumps you and you have no backup chick.

An alpha male in today's society does not allow a woman to have that much power over him. If she is off fukking everyone else or somehow does not live up to your standards, you cut her loose.

Guys take women WAAAAAAY too seriously. Most of them aren't worth your time to begin with. Why get in such a tizzy?

 

[vitor]

Take things slow. Get back in touch with your old friends and find a group of buddies to go out with. Take a deep breath relax, its like riding a bike man you never forget. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes just remember what it is like to get hurt and do not take things so serioursly with these ladies. Enjoy their company but take time to do things you want to do. Focus on you .

 

[sodbuster]

Take a YEAR before you actually date someone. Go without a woman and learn to be OK with yourself. You sound like you are co-dependant on a woman for your happyness. I didn't date for about 2 years[partly, because I didn't find one worth my time,partly because of a lack of time and energy-had a flood and redid my basement]. I learned not to need a woman for my life. If she is good for my life,she can hang around-if not, I'm OK single. You WANT a woman-it shouldn't be a need. Separate the 2. If you NEED a woman,then you need to work on yourself[they can spot that weakness miles away].

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Jean,
Years ago,the Romans developed wonderful ways of fighting wars,based around a stabbing sword,great armour and Discipline that enabled them to take up incredible positions together like the Turtle....Their problem?they never changed,they thought,what was good in the past will be good now,if it doesn't then you just try harder at the same...They were still clunking around Europe when the Scythians arrived with stirrup equipped Cavalry,and Laminated Steel Sabres that could cut a Man in Two with one mighty blow...of course they didn't survive....The Zulus,the Medieval Knight,they all went the same way...And You Jean?aren't you wanting to go back to your old ways?

 

[zekko]

I'm an older guy too so I know where you're coming from. You didn't mention what age women you are trying to date - I'm guessing they are younger girls, right?
I don't have any facts to back this up, but it appears to me that the generations that came up after us are much more likely to be seeing multiple people of the opposite sex. They seems to be much more loose with it, for whatever reason. It must have something to do with the environment they've grown up in. Anyone agree with me on this?

I'm a little uncomfortable with asking someone to be exclusive. I'm currently in a long term relationship of many years, and I don't think either one of us has ever said anything about being exclusive. We're exclusive because we want to be. Saying it will not make it so. Commitment or no commitment, if she wants to cheat she's going to cheat.

I know it's hard not to develop feelings for some of these girls (the prettier they are the harder it can be), but that sort of thing can sink you. It doesn't seem fair, but that seems to be true. I know I've always done better when I've waited for the girl to develop feelings for me first. When I develop feelings first, I get freaked out.

I've spent some years playing the field, and although I had some interesting experiences, I admit it was never particularly satisfying. I've always been more comfortable in LTRs. But you can't force it to happen - when you meet the right one, you'll know it, and it does tend to be when you least expect it (another cliche, but it does seem to be true in my experience). In the meantime, you're a single guy, you've got the whole world at your feet. Try to get excited about all the options and possibilities that are out there waiting for you.

As for the hurt of other guys moving in on your turf, I'm not sure what to say. There will always be guys who will have better game than you, or will be cooler than you, or better looking, or younger, or are able to connect better. They can be hard to compete with. Maybe you'd be better off if you didn't set your sites on girls who like to go grind at a club.

 

[DonGorgon]

lol.. um single or not all humans will get hurt by other humans you can avoid it..

 

[DonGorgon]

lol.. um single or not all humans will get hurt by other humans you CANT avoid it..