Intimacy

[joekerr31]

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Joeker wrote:

"it is only though this theological life philosophy (ie. belief in God) that one can simulateously express the most powerful and positive of inner emotions while interacting with a harsh, manipulative, cold world." [emphasis MINE.]

"ONLY," joeker??????

I guess this conversation's over, man.

Too bad. i usually like most of your stuff.

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in my opinion. i could be wrong heck, if i knew everything i'd be a billionaire or something. so im sure im not always right.

but on this one i think i am

 

[aliasguy]

oh man alias. don't take his words so seriously. i mean cmon. its an idea. its not fact. take what you want. leave what you dont want. fukk off.

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Hey, swifty, merry Christmas to ya ......


No hard feelings.

You leave and take what YOU wish as well.

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[STR8UP]

the worst time to develop a close relationship with a woman is when you are feeling needy.

I agree wholeheartedly. That's another reason why I tend to avoid relationships....I consciously know this to be true.

but anyway, i dont think your life is in that bad of shape str8up. i think with you the issue has always been the same thing - you aren't looking for a committed relationship.

It's all relative, but yea, my life is pretty fukked up right now. It could be worse. I know this. People have it MUCH worse than I do. But the dramatic changes that came about due to certain circumstances turned my life in an entirely different direction, and it's been pretty rough.

i dont know if you use to be an AFC who turned DJ or what, but i think you've gotta do good at gaming chics that you've lost the part where you transition the game into a meaningful relationship.

I was the king of AFC's, what are you talking about????

the first chick I dated moved away. Pissed me off before she left too. So what did I do? I went to the beach and drew a heart in the sand with our names, took a picture, and sent it to her.

If you will excuse me for a moment, I think I'm gonna be sick....

Seriously though, i don't think I have lost the ability to transition into meaningful relationships. I just haven't met too many quality women as of late, and I am UBER cautious with ANY woman. Life's too short to get involved with crazy b!tches.

i mean, you got women coming back to your place and sleeping in yoru bed half the time, surely one of these might fit the bill for an LTR?

Not so much....

No doubt I could go into AFC mode tomorrow and have a relationship, but I refuse to settle. Even the decent ones seem to have their fatal flaws. Maybe it's me, but i would rather think of it as being "safe rather than sorry".

and you say you have no time for a woman, but you have time to go out and socialize!

My schedule goes something like this:

Monday thru Friday- Go into work between 10 and 11. Work until 7-7:30. Most weekdays I also have to show property or SOMETHING after work. Get home between 7:30 and midnite. Have a couple of drinks and pass out.

Saturday- Same as Monday thru Friday, except I sometimes go out at night. That's my treat for the week. I pay for it the next day sometimes, but I have a good time.

Sunday- Work 11:30-5:30, sometimes drive 30 minutes to have dinner with my family, come home and finish recovering from Saturday night.

So my only real time to socialize is Saturday. If I can muster the energy I MIGHT do something on a weekday every now and again.

the last time you posted a bunch of pics of yoruself - and you know what i saw in those pics - i saw a guy living it up and and having fun. i saw a guy partying. what i didn't see in any of those pics was a guy who was through with the partying and who was looking to settle down.

haha.....damn....if I hadn't lost my old hard drive I would have literally THOUSANDS of those pics. I know how to have a good time, but as you say, the party life is easy, it's the other stuff that's hard

 

[aliasguy]

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I understand.

Thanks for your viewpoint.

Apologies if needed.

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[STR8UP]

Codependency in the sense that I was using it refers to a person who is addicted to relationships. I'm not talking about relationships in the sense of commitment to any one person but rather needing constant companionship or intimacy.

I still think it has more to do with circumstances than anything. I haven't been this way my entire life, and as a matter of fact I was just about the opposite up until about a year and a half ago.

 

[joekerr31]

I was the king of AFC's, what are you talking about????

the first chick I dated moved away. Pissed me off before she left too. So what did I do? I went to the beach and drew a heart in the sand with our names, took a picture, and sent it to her.

If you will excuse me for a moment, I think I'm gonna be sick....

hahahahah! f*ck now that is funny. thats like a skit you'd see on MadTV or something

my most afc moment was giving a chic a red rose on our first date. then afterwards calling her for like three days and getting the brush off but not for a second thinking that she was brushing me off and figuring she just wasnt around her phone.

hahaha, man to be young and idiotic again - no thanks!

and im telling ya, the chic was SOOOOO into me. until i gave her that rose! it was like holding up a huge flashing neon sign that screamed "AFC ALERT!" i mean, seriously, i could have f*cked her at the end of hte night. but instead i gave her a rose

 

[Ever onward]

Pay NO attention to the "Codependent" crap. It's a bunch of bullsh*t, unless your wife is an alcoholic or a drug addict.

Man you are so wrong!

I was totally in a codependent relationship and it was not with a woman who had any substance abuse problem at all. I know we're taking this way off topic here but I think it is relevant because it deals with the intimacy issue. Because of your insistence that codependency is only relevant if substance abuse is present I went to Wikipedia for a definition:

Codependence (or codependency) is a popular psychology concept popularized by Twelve-Step program advocates. A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her. A "codependent" is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people. The dependent, or obviously needy party(s) may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount. The "codependent" party exhibits behaviour which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy party's condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship.

Now that I've seen this definition, I don't think it applies to ST8. But it definitely applied to my past relationship I mentioned. Neither one of us was a chemical abuser but we were both two needy people. And because of my extreme need for the intimacy she provided for me I became jealous, controlling, obsessed and borderline physically abusive with her. I made myself go to counseling because I was so out of control. I was definitely needy for the intimacy and since the definition of Codependency that I provided states that "two needy people" must be involved, I have no idea what she was getting out of the situation. Maybe she was needy for attention. She was an extreme AW and that's what drove me into emotional turmoil.

And again, none of this may apply to ST8UP because I don't see him getting involved in a relationship in which he becomes controlling or manipulative of the other person to get what he wants (needs?). However, I think it is relevant to the overall topic of intimacy.

 

[Ever onward]

I still think it has more to do with circumstances than anything. I haven't been this way my entire life, and as a matter of fact I was just about the opposite up until about a year and a half ago.

Point taken

 

[STR8UP]

str8 your funny. youve got my respect.

any man that can say this about himself; in admitting how he used to be; his mistakes rah rah is golden. it shows you are now more wise. and can laugh at yourself. or be sick. whichever

good stuff.

You know what's funny though?

Ever seen the movie "Something About Mary"?

This chick WAS Mary.

A fukking ANGEL. And that was her name, Angel. I was smitten with her, as were several other guys at any given time. 19 and still a virgin. If I hadn't fukked things up (and she hadn't moved away) I might have popped her cherry. She was supposed to go to the beach with me for a couple of days, but it turned out she had to move back home before that panned out.

Wanna know the REALLY funny thing though? I first met her a year or two before I started dating her. She was a waitress at the restaurant I worked at, and whenever i was off I would come in and sit in her section and have a dessert. She HAD to know i was into her. But somehow when she came back in town for the summer I managed to work my way in.

Sometimes the AFC "kind of" gets the girl!

 

[edger]

Joekerr, excuse me for the rambling, but you say god has a "plan", a "destiny" he has chosen for people, that we're meant to be here for a reason...but no one ever asked to be part of that plan, or that destiny..if this plan/destiny thing is in fact real, then it is something that was forced upon us all. We never chose it, god did, which is f*cked up, for the mere fact that it was forced upon us. I have a big problem with that. How would you feel if you were tied down and forced fed something that made you nauseous? You wouldn't like it. It's the same thing I'm trying to bring out about god and his plan/destiny. I as a human being, a human soul, should be able to make my own decisions, not have god make a decision for me which I never chose.

And as far as suffering goes for a particular person, there's a point where god has to draw the line..there's a point where enough's enough. There's a point where the suffering becomes so consuming and so unbearable that god should draw the line in the sand and say, "that's enough". It's disturbing that god doesn't do this for everyone. It's disturbing that suffering has to be part of our lives to begin with. It should never be. If I were god, there would never have been suffering. If our spiritual teaching tells us there is a reason why we suffer, it still can't be justified. Suffering is something that can never be justified. If god hadn't allowed this world to exist, there wouldn't be suffering.

I love all the illogical godworshippers who say, it's satan or it's people with their own free will who cause suffering on others..but ya know what?...god can put a stop to it if he truly wished..at the ultimate end, he's the one who's all powerful, he has the last say, it is his responsibility.

Something to really think about.

 

[DavenJuan]

STR8...

i wanna thank you for starting this thread. this has given me some light on a awful truth that i think i may need to come to terms with.

whether or not "codependent" actually carries any substance or not, i DO think that i feed on the "relationship" to fill a larger void in my life.

I never took a look at it like this until this thread. Why am I always in LTRs with so many DIFFERENT types of women?

why is it that its hard for me to simply walk away COMPLETELY and move on rather than take the easy way out and cheat in past relationships? Is it because I long for intimacy at home? am i addicted to this?

Why am i 26 and have had 3 live in gfs??

I dont know if i can answer these questions ..however given some enlightenment on this intimacy issue, i think this plays a vital role

I am starting to ask myself....how do i TRUELY know who I AM if im always in LTR, having someone else there to lean on?

I am never lonely, hell, im never alone...however without knowing what thats like, can i really say i know myself?

not sure if any of this makes sense, just ranting on...but you raised a lot of questions that i need to ask myself and more so answer.

 

[STR8UP]

I never took a look at it like this until this thread. Why am I always in LTRs with so many DIFFERENT types of women?

why is it that its hard for me to simply walk away COMPLETELY and move on rather than take the easy way out and cheat in past relationships? Is it because I long for intimacy at home? am i addicted to this?

Why am i 26 and have had 3 live in gfs??

I have been forced to ask myself the same questions.

I had 2 live in's by 26 and 3 by age 30.

So far in my 30's I've learned my lesson. No more live ins. But this is part of what is causing the void of which I speak. My previous pattern was live in g/f for a year or so, mainly single for a year and a half, then back around to a serious relationship. Now that I have been out of a serious relationship for two years. it just adds to me wanting some of those things that much more.

But now it's a different ballgame. Never in my life have I gotten so much attention from women, probably due in part to the ******d appearance that I give off that says "I don't need anybody". And I DON'T need anybody, I want somebody, but I don't want everything that having "somebody" entails. Make sense?

And you wanna talk about living with different kinds of women? My first was a party girl. Total bad news, cheated on me, blah, blah. The next was a "good" girl. I was only her third sex partner (as far as I can tell). Sweet as pie. When she left she did so in typical female fashion (cold heartedly, no show of emotion) HOWEVER....she left me more than my fair share of the stuff we bought as a couple, and she paid for most of it. The last one was a liberal, bisexual social worker who bordered on genius level intelligence. Great, great person, but too manly in some aspects.

I am starting to ask myself....how do i TRUELY know who I AM if im always in LTR, having someone else there to lean on?

I can say one thing for being single (at least for the most part) for extended periods.....it DOES help you develop yourself. If you are always WITH someone, you take on part of them, no matter how hard you fight to keep your own identity.

I have always said that a relationship with a woman takes a lot AWAY from a man. Many times it holds him back. It certainly has the potential to curtail personal growth.

 

[MacAvoy]

Here's my take on this thread, I was suprised it was 3 pages long but not totally suprised as everyone takes to Str8up's stories. What I'm suprised at are the two tangents that its taken, first being the religious, then the AFC. We've all got AFC tendencies, otherwise we wouldn't be here. I would suggest that 98% of members are not alpha's, although the majority now have alpha qualities.

So lets stop sharing our AFC stories in the thread and get back to the original point. I spent the first 7+ years of my adult life jumping from one LTR to another, then I took some time to re-evaluate and stayed strictly single for a year. It was very good for me.

I longed for intimacy or whatever you want to call it when I was in my early 20's. One summer I had it so bad, I refused to sleep alone, I had 3 different girls, and I had to sleep beside one of them at night.

Now I've come to accept the fact that I'll likely never get married. However I won't stop getting involved in committed relationships. However I've also made life choices and committments to myself. I don't ever intend to be monogamous in my life. I'll let women believe I am but in my personal situation, I've found that I need to date other women to keep myself on my "A" game.

I've seen what happens this past year, when I dropped too many plates and made too big of a mental commitment to one women, I stopped being attractive to her.

Now that I've added more plates, I'm back on my game. Though I do find that I still tend to keep one plate fairly steady, I'm not sure if its because its so soon after my oneitis from this past year and I'm compensating that way but I'll make sure I keep other plates going. I won't make that mistake again.

However I was willing to drop my main plate for the stripper and let the stripper become my new main plate.