Here's a different perspective on inner game for you guys. We discuss our interaction and dealings with women here, but these concepts can really apply to any context you choose to explore.
About three years ago I took up rock climbing. It was a very spur of the moment thing which has changed my life forever and still makes me wonder what kind of person I would be if I hadn't tried it. A girl in my jiu jitsu class invited us to go to climbing with her, and the moment I completed my first climb, I was hooked. It was so radically different from anything else I had tried -- physically demanding yet mentally challenging as you try to figure out the correct movement sequence and body alignment to get through the route. It is a solitary sport, not in a way that you are all alone out there, but you are solely responsible for your actions when you climb, and others can only cheer for you from the bottom or try to give bits of advice on what to do. But you are the one who has to do it; nobody else is there to hold your hand. You must initiate action and movement, and keep a level head while you're at it. Not to mention the height thing and the possibility of death if you screw up the basics. Which can and does happen to people who become careless.
In any case, I was hooked on rock climbing. The first year I mostly stayed indoors, because I still sucked at it and hadn't made many climber friends. But then competency and community grew on me, and I started going on trips with others to climb some crazy stuff outside. Which I still do, and I'm always surprised at what I can do with my body and mind now. Three years ago, I could not imagine ever being such a person. Yet the point is that it took a lot of work to get here and I've learned a lot about myself and the beauty of life along the way.
Back when I used to suck, I would see other climbers floating up the wall, and would be mesmerized by their ability and intuition to position their body in such a way as to make it look easy. They went from hold to hold - move to move with such grace and easiness as to make it look like they were born with a rock climbing gene. Which was very frustrating for me, because I looked like a jagged elephant when I tried to do the same climbs. I knew that this magical flow existed, I could see it with my own eyes, but for the life of me, I could not execute it. It is the same feeling as hearing a beautiful piece of music, and then someone gives you an instrument and says, "play it man, it sounds awesome." And you are powerless to do so. In a way, I could hear the music, but I could not feel it well enough on a subconscious level to produce a masterpiece.
And here is where inner game comes in. I was quite frustrated with my progress during my first year or so. I mean, I was a fit guy and thought that there was no reason for me not to be able to do this stuff. While I was enjoyed watching better climbers, I was also insulted when they made my projects look like no-nonsense warm ups. In comparing my ability to them, I felt bad about myself for not being good enough to enjoy this cool thing that they apparently have access to. This ability to flow through the rock.
But I stuck with it, because there was always a thing you could climb that is right at your ability level -- that you can do if you are focused and determined enough to pull through the moves. This climbing at my limit and always pushing and extending the comfort zone sucked me in while I still sucked. Then I read a new ageish book about mental fitness for climbers - where a lot of stuff sounds cheesy but is mostly true. The fact that you can choose to have a bruised ego when someone is more competent than you, or you can compete with yourself. It gives tips on how to expand your comfort zone while maintaining your inner game and not letting petty sh1t distract you. In a way, it gave a very profound and mind-opening perspective on climbing and life.
I used to be gripped by fear and anxiety before each route. As I would tie into the rope my heart would start pounding like crazy, I'd get sweaty hands, and would not be able to think. I was afraid of not living up to my own expectations and seen as incompetent by my friends. This was my mindset for the first year or so - very outcome dependent and I really cared about what others thought of me. I sensed that it was holding me back, but I never realized how much. After I committed to using breathing and cognitive techniques described in that book, I had slowly transitioned to a much better, happier place in my mindset and inner game. This new inner game consisted of a simple process: risk and situation assessment, taking responsibility for required action, commitment, and action itself. I describe this process in discrete parts, and sometimes it is, but mostly it takes a few seconds from assessment to action when I climb.
Nowadays I get excited when I approach a new and unfamiliar climb. Not the fear excitement of fight or flight reaction -- this is more like a kid in a candy store excitement. That feeling you sometimes get at the end of a run where you just want to bounce around the room and smile and hug everyone present. I feel the power to explore and create and the sense of becoming in sync with another part of reality. This stuff sounds cheesy, and it is on paper. But the feeling is real - it is like the feeling when you're going in for the kiss with a beautiful girl, and there is no possibility of rejection. Because the kiss is already in the bag and you just can't wait to enjoy the experience itself.
I fall when I climb, especially stuff at my limit. But I am not afraid of the fall. I rather enjoy it actually. Because it tells me what works and what doesn't. I jump back on the climb and make it look even better, and become even more in tune with its intricate details. When I started climbing I was unconsciously incompetent, after I read that book and more practice on the rock I became consciously incompetent, and at some point I had transitioned to being unconsciously competent. And it is a great feeling and place to be.
The point that I was trying to make is that this mindset applies to climbing as much as meeting women and living your life as a man. In life there are many different contexts where some of us are more competent and some of us are less so, but the important thing is to keep competing with yourself, not get distracted by the fact that others may be better at it than you. There is a great probability that there will always be someone better than you in a given context - but only because they had invested more time and effort in it than you. If you focus on your own values and what makes you happy, and pushing your own comfort zone, then competition and competence anxiety becomes a moot point.
Because the cool thing about exploring your boundaries is that you can get in touch with something greater than yourself. You first listen to music, then you hear others play it live, and then all of a sudden you're the one on stage playing a masterpiece and banging HB10's backstage. Women are a big context in life, and in exploring them we explore ourselves, but they are just one part of the whole. If you want to improve your inner game, then enjoy each moment, listen to yourself, be yourself and have fun. Take up something that trains your ability to push the comfort zone and embrace being uncomfortable with calculated degree of risk. Here's to life, fellas!
About three years ago I took up rock climbing. It was a very spur of the moment thing which has changed my life forever and still makes me wonder what kind of person I would be if I hadn't tried it. A girl in my jiu jitsu class invited us to go to climbing with her, and the moment I completed my first climb, I was hooked. It was so radically different from anything else I had tried -- physically demanding yet mentally challenging as you try to figure out the correct movement sequence and body alignment to get through the route. It is a solitary sport, not in a way that you are all alone out there, but you are solely responsible for your actions when you climb, and others can only cheer for you from the bottom or try to give bits of advice on what to do. But you are the one who has to do it; nobody else is there to hold your hand. You must initiate action and movement, and keep a level head while you're at it. Not to mention the height thing and the possibility of death if you screw up the basics. Which can and does happen to people who become careless.
In any case, I was hooked on rock climbing. The first year I mostly stayed indoors, because I still sucked at it and hadn't made many climber friends. But then competency and community grew on me, and I started going on trips with others to climb some crazy stuff outside. Which I still do, and I'm always surprised at what I can do with my body and mind now. Three years ago, I could not imagine ever being such a person. Yet the point is that it took a lot of work to get here and I've learned a lot about myself and the beauty of life along the way.
Back when I used to suck, I would see other climbers floating up the wall, and would be mesmerized by their ability and intuition to position their body in such a way as to make it look easy. They went from hold to hold - move to move with such grace and easiness as to make it look like they were born with a rock climbing gene. Which was very frustrating for me, because I looked like a jagged elephant when I tried to do the same climbs. I knew that this magical flow existed, I could see it with my own eyes, but for the life of me, I could not execute it. It is the same feeling as hearing a beautiful piece of music, and then someone gives you an instrument and says, "play it man, it sounds awesome." And you are powerless to do so. In a way, I could hear the music, but I could not feel it well enough on a subconscious level to produce a masterpiece.
And here is where inner game comes in. I was quite frustrated with my progress during my first year or so. I mean, I was a fit guy and thought that there was no reason for me not to be able to do this stuff. While I was enjoyed watching better climbers, I was also insulted when they made my projects look like no-nonsense warm ups. In comparing my ability to them, I felt bad about myself for not being good enough to enjoy this cool thing that they apparently have access to. This ability to flow through the rock.
But I stuck with it, because there was always a thing you could climb that is right at your ability level -- that you can do if you are focused and determined enough to pull through the moves. This climbing at my limit and always pushing and extending the comfort zone sucked me in while I still sucked. Then I read a new ageish book about mental fitness for climbers - where a lot of stuff sounds cheesy but is mostly true. The fact that you can choose to have a bruised ego when someone is more competent than you, or you can compete with yourself. It gives tips on how to expand your comfort zone while maintaining your inner game and not letting petty sh1t distract you. In a way, it gave a very profound and mind-opening perspective on climbing and life.
I used to be gripped by fear and anxiety before each route. As I would tie into the rope my heart would start pounding like crazy, I'd get sweaty hands, and would not be able to think. I was afraid of not living up to my own expectations and seen as incompetent by my friends. This was my mindset for the first year or so - very outcome dependent and I really cared about what others thought of me. I sensed that it was holding me back, but I never realized how much. After I committed to using breathing and cognitive techniques described in that book, I had slowly transitioned to a much better, happier place in my mindset and inner game. This new inner game consisted of a simple process: risk and situation assessment, taking responsibility for required action, commitment, and action itself. I describe this process in discrete parts, and sometimes it is, but mostly it takes a few seconds from assessment to action when I climb.
Nowadays I get excited when I approach a new and unfamiliar climb. Not the fear excitement of fight or flight reaction -- this is more like a kid in a candy store excitement. That feeling you sometimes get at the end of a run where you just want to bounce around the room and smile and hug everyone present. I feel the power to explore and create and the sense of becoming in sync with another part of reality. This stuff sounds cheesy, and it is on paper. But the feeling is real - it is like the feeling when you're going in for the kiss with a beautiful girl, and there is no possibility of rejection. Because the kiss is already in the bag and you just can't wait to enjoy the experience itself.
I fall when I climb, especially stuff at my limit. But I am not afraid of the fall. I rather enjoy it actually. Because it tells me what works and what doesn't. I jump back on the climb and make it look even better, and become even more in tune with its intricate details. When I started climbing I was unconsciously incompetent, after I read that book and more practice on the rock I became consciously incompetent, and at some point I had transitioned to being unconsciously competent. And it is a great feeling and place to be.
The point that I was trying to make is that this mindset applies to climbing as much as meeting women and living your life as a man. In life there are many different contexts where some of us are more competent and some of us are less so, but the important thing is to keep competing with yourself, not get distracted by the fact that others may be better at it than you. There is a great probability that there will always be someone better than you in a given context - but only because they had invested more time and effort in it than you. If you focus on your own values and what makes you happy, and pushing your own comfort zone, then competition and competence anxiety becomes a moot point.
Because the cool thing about exploring your boundaries is that you can get in touch with something greater than yourself. You first listen to music, then you hear others play it live, and then all of a sudden you're the one on stage playing a masterpiece and banging HB10's backstage. Women are a big context in life, and in exploring them we explore ourselves, but they are just one part of the whole. If you want to improve your inner game, then enjoy each moment, listen to yourself, be yourself and have fun. Take up something that trains your ability to push the comfort zone and embrace being uncomfortable with calculated degree of risk. Here's to life, fellas!
