Indecisiveness

[Roober]

Is being decisive unattractive?

spent the night at main plate's place and I find myself tending to get indecisive, which I do quite often. I am a bit impulsive and will randomly change my mind, and say "let's do this instead"...

Examples...
-woke up Sunday. I said "let's walk to the store, get some ingredients and make pancakes".. She is game. As we walk, we pass a crepe spot, and she says "I have always wanted to try this place"... I immediately think "no cooking or cleaning" and much faster... so I am like "let's get some crepes"
-I planned on going to this the free Muay Thai class at noon. After breakfast, we get back and I am tired again, don't really feel like going any more. So we just hang out, fvck and I pass out for a bit. Had a late night on Friday, so it was a bit of residual from that....

So my main point, I can get indecisive about things sometimes, and wondering how that comes across? I feel like it all comes from me, but then I also think it comes from AFCness too where I get lazy or just can't decide...

Sometimes, I feel like if she suggests an alternative, and I go along with it, it looks bad, even though I am just pretty flexible and don't really have definitive plans. I even do this when out with friends...

 

[wifehunter]

Clarity helps when making decisions...so does having ALL the information, and time for contemplation.

Look before you leap. If people take it as hesitation....ignore them!!!

 

[AttackFormation]

I think the anxiety that results from going round in your mind about seeing this as a "problem" with yourself is what would really be unattractive

 

[resilient]

Agree with @AttackFormation, over-analyzing, or too much thought expending on trivial matters is unattractive.

Being assertive is attractive... that's where follow-through comes in with accountability.

Flexible thinking isn't a bad thing per-say, you just don't want to always look impulsive in all your actions.

Too indecisive and then the sh!t tests start coming out in spades or she begins asserting control (watch out for that one, never let her wear the pants).

 

[Roober]

I think the anxiety that results from going round in your mind about seeing this as a "problem" with yourself is what would really be unattractive

Good stuff! I don't outwardly project it, it is more of an internal struggle. I wish I was a bit more decisive sometimes, not sure if it comes from insecurity or just when I don't care enough about something. I am more of just a "go with the flow" kind of guy. There are certainly things I will not waver on...

Clarity helps when making decisions...so does having ALL the information, and time for contemplation.

Look before you leap. If people take it as hesitation....ignore them!!!

Sometimes I feel like that is my biggest problem, just being too impulsive...

For example, before a hike last week, she was like, "but we could do..." I said "No, I am going, but you are more than welcome to stay home." She came along and thanked me afterward. Had she pushed not going hiking further (like my ex often would), maybe I would have wavered which would have shown weakness. How do I "stick to my guns" when facing adversity? Definitely something I am still working on...

 

[The Duke]

Yes most of the time it is seen as unattractive. This is something Ive had slight issues with and noticed it was effecting my relationships with women. My indecisiveness came from a place of me going with the flow, being flexible, and always wanting to wait until the last minute to make a decision incase I stumbled upon a better idea. It had nothing to do with being weak/lacking confidence/etc but it comes across that way more often than not.

When you show indecisiveness it causes anxiety in women. You are seen as less masculine, not a leader, unsure of who you are, can't make decisions, not strong, etc. Women admire men that aren't like them! So don't act like an indecisive chic!

 

[wifehunter]

Good thread!!!

 

[BeExcellent]

From a chick's perspective I'll tell you how I respond to various things like this for what its worth.

Indecision is not the same thing as flexibility. Indecision is manifest when a man says stuff like "what do you want to do babe?" or "I don't care, you decide". Those are examples of things that (if they become a habit) get annoying and broadcast inability to make a decision or have a plan. Inability to make decisions and inability to have a plan are unattractive if they are the least bit habitual.

Flexibility is different. In the pancakes versus crepes example above, this exhibits flexibility. OP made a decision (let's go to the store and get mix to cook pancakes), plate follows his lead. Perfect. En route to the store plate spots a breakfast joint she "has always wanted to try" and makes a suggestion. OP MAKES A DECISION to accept plate's suggestion and says "great idea!" and they go there instead. That is flexibility rather than indecisiveness. If you are never flexible and fluid you are going to look like a complete azz hole after a while, which isn't good.

So the idea is to have a plan and make decisions but also to have the flexibility to make a decision to change course when it is well advised to do so.

That is a different thing entirely than failing altogether to take the lead, make a decision and have a plan. You have a plan in order to decide to change it.

If you lack a plan or are too timid to make a decision that will sink you. Good leaders exhibit flexibility all the time by adapting to changing inputs all around them.

 

[The Duke]

Its amazing how critical women are of men, yet if men were so critical of women there would be little dating going on.

 

[AlphaNate]

Posters above me hit it on the head. Yes, indecisiveness is unattractive, but flexibility is not the same thing.

If it helps you hold frame, just give her **** when you accept her decision. "Fine, but you're making it up to me later."

 

[wifehunter]

Good leaders exhibit flexibility all the time by adapting to changing inputs all around them.

Right!

I call it..."rolling with the punches."

Things don't always unfold the way we plan or predict. Being flexible, means being prepared for anything.

 

[Roober]

From a chick's perspective I'll tell you how I respond to various things like this for what its worth.

Indecision is not the same thing as flexibility. Indecision is manifest when a man says stuff like "what do you want to do babe?" or "I don't care, you decide". Those are examples of things that (if they become a habit) get annoying and broadcast inability to make a decision or have a plan. Inability to make decisions and inability to have a plan are unattractive if they are the least bit habitual.

Flexibility is different. In the pancakes versus crepes example above, this exhibits flexibility. OP made a decision (let's go to the store and get mix to cook pancakes), plate follows his lead. Perfect. En route to the store plate spots a breakfast joint she "has always wanted to try" and makes a suggestion. OP MAKES A DECISION to accept plate's suggestion and says "great idea!" and they go there instead. That is flexibility rather than indecisiveness. If you are never flexible and fluid you are going to look like a complete azz hole after a while, which isn't good.

So the idea is to have a plan and make decisions but also to have the flexibility to make a decision to change course when it is well advised to do so.

That is a different thing entirely than failing altogether to take the lead, make a decision and have a plan. You have a plan in order to decide to change it.

If you lack a plan or are too timid to make a decision that will sink you. Good leaders exhibit flexibility all the time by adapting to changing inputs all around them.

All good points. I think I struggle sometimes with worrying about being an azzhat and end up missing on something I wanted to do. I suppose it's a matter of figuring out how important it is to you and just doing it. Reminds of "way of the superior man"... A man will listen to his women, but still make his own decision.

 

[ubercat]

Probably just a ratio thing. I always go with the 80% rule. FOMO can be a killer there will always be alternatives.

I think on that particular day you might of violated ratio a little bit by breaking two plans. BTW actually good decisions - sleep and diet are the foundations of health and if you don't look healthy women will spit on you anyway. The problem is of course perception and the nature of women. Women are extremely judgemental and jump from an example to "... you always" very quickly. BTW if they hit you with the always best response is agree and amplify. yeah babe I did that 100 times just last week. regarding accepting input, I generally make the plans however if she comes up with an idea that is genuinely better I will say why I think it is better and compliment her. A leader doesn't have to be a dictator.

You can also pre position this stuff. Indirectly by talking about other people let the girl know that you will be a rock on the big stuff but couldn't give a s*** about the small stuff and are generally a chill guy.

Of course then you have to be congruent. If somebody cuts you off in traffic and you lose your shi1t that's really going to drop you down the rankings.

Routines always help in maintaining Direction. If Wednesday is always gym night and she gets told that when she wants to do something else on that night she will whinge of course but secretly be reassured.

 

[ubercat]

Actually one thing I did forget to mention is having a fallback plan. I've got my girlfriend to understand that I always have a plan a and b. You need to keep a few things in your back pocket. I subscribe to a number of what's on websites. And given the socially competitive nature of women they also readily understand that you're going to have a plan a and b when it comes to girls without you having to say a word. I'm a big fan of covertly drawn boundaries it just seems more elegant to me. And of course screen - a ho is going to ho no matter what boundaries you draw

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

That's not indecisiveness. That's spontaneity. Indecisiveness is if you are stuck looking at a menu trying to decide between two or three items, or looking around for where the best seat in a restaurant is, or taking forever to come up with a response when asked which option you prefer more over two equally good/bad options.

You're fine Roober. The fact that you immediately decide to change your mind shows decisiveness if anything. If you pause for a bit and and wonder about whether or not you should stick with what you said you wanted to do or if you should just go with the new idea, that could be indecisiveness. But from what I can tell, that doesn't seem to be the case.