I'm officially used to being single..

[st_99]

So yeah, I really don't care that I'm not in a relationship, but more
striking is for the first time I really don't care that I have no
prospects on the horizon.


I used to worry about the fact that it may
be YEARS before I find that one good one. Well, It just doesn't bother me
anymore.

OMG, I don't have a good enough social life, omg, I'm getting old, omg, this and that.. these thoughts don't enter my head much at all. My pattern the past few years has been to get involved in very short flings good for some sex and maybe some fun at a local pub.

Oh boy, I really am going to be single forever.

 

[driver55]

Amen.

I am in the same boat as you. It's kind of relieving is'nt it?

As an aside...my friend who is in his early 30's just reconnected with a girl he knew a while back and now they are together. Been "dating" for 6 months, yet they have only seen each other and hung out about 3 weeks total. Now she is moving out across the entire country to be with him, and he plans on getting married to her on paper, and doing a full wedding later on.

I tried my best to tell him I thought it was too quick and frankly a mistake...but he is scared of being single and going through with it.

I hope for the best for him....but fear the worst...

 

[mystic03]

Please tell me the recipe for that. I have this programming in my head that I need to be looking for prospects and if there aren't any I get from anxious to depressed to lonely...

I need a brake to dedicate time to improve myself in many areas, but somehow I always get stuck on the relationship search....

Maybe make a written list of activities to do..?

 

[st_99]

I need a brake to dedicate time to improve myself

I think this is the key, I've been hammering down on some career
stuff the past 2 years and I think thats been the catalyst for not
caring about women so much.

Also, now that I'm in my 30's I feel like the tide has shifted a bit in terms
of women my age don't have the advantage anymore. I can go single for a while
but these girls HAVE to get married SOON (In their minds)

 

[Fantasy]

Good for you, man. Now, you don't have to worry about coming off as desperate.

 

[RecoveringAFC]

Mystic,

I used to feel the same way you do. When you're in a relationship and everything is working life is great. When it ends you don't miss the other person, you miss the good things they brought to the relationship. You then try to recapture that.

The trick to moving past the depressed/lonely/needing someone stage for me was:
- Keep busy
- Do something you've always wanted to do
- Be comfortable with yourself
- Spend time with friends doing something other than picking up girls

The idea of actually being in a relationship just makes me cringe. I'm pretty comfortable where I am right now. It would take a pretty amazing woman for me to want to fit her into my life.

 

[Outofexile]

Recovering AFC,

I read what you posted and it made sense. This weekend I sat back a bit and really looked at my current position. Am cardio workout, work til 6+, come home, cook, back to gym for 830, maybe practice some guitar. Every other weekend I get my son for weekend visits.

In theory, my life is pretty busy but that doesnt sometimes fill that void. I was married for six years and sometimes its hard to shake that feeling of having someone when you come home.

Yes I know AFC. But what is, is.

What do you do to divorce yourself from that need for women? And its not just a sex thing, but that female companionship thing. I have plenty of female friends, none that I would date but female friends. So its not a need for female companionship but intimate female companionship.

Make sense at all?

 

[RecoveringAFC]

Outofexile,

I was with my ex for 5 years. It was really great. Her friends loved me, her parents loved me, I thought we had worked past all the communication problems and become a strong couple. I was wrong.

I don't think you divorce yourself from a "need for women". I have certain clients and friends that I would go out with in an instant. I love women. I just look back on the cr*p they pull and the relationship headaches that occur. I don't want to go there.

One point that I didn't mention above is to acknowledge your feelings and then do something to get past them. For example: You're watching TV and you see your ex's favorite movie come on. This brings up all sorts of stuff. You could sit there and stew and feel bad or you could say yes I feel bad, turn off the TV and go do something.

Keeping busy is good but unless it's busy doing something you enjoy you're just covering up. Personally I hate gyms. A lot of the SoSuave mindset is to go out and get buff when you break up. Knock yourself out. I spend my time doing other things. The closest thing I do to exercise is to go for long walks.

Learn to enjoy your own company. Like yourself and be by yourself. While I like being with people I sometimes go days without talking to a single person. If you're comfortable with yourself, you stop covering up feelings of loneliness with activities.

 

[Outofexile]

Its not even the missing her. Im really past it all. The marriage should have been over years ago but I hung on for the kids. I dont think of her like that anymore...almost like an old high school girlfriend type thing if that makes any sense. Just nothing there at all but an old memory.

And its not a constant issue. Like I said, I stay pretty busy during the week but sometimes Ill be at the movies with my son or something and see a chick flick moment in the movie and think that it may be nice to have someone special in my life again. I know that sounds very non DJish but sometimes its true. Then I will go home and realize that really, I dont have a whole lot of free time period and that to make room for someone who wanted to be around more than once a week, I would have to shuffle a lot of things around.

I guess one of the biggest things is just divorcing from my mind that I "need" to have someone or if I dont, that something is "missing".

 

[evelsteve]

Just pick up another girls, come on guys, this is the Don Juan forum, not
THE VIEW. Jesus!

 

[The_last_Gunslinger]

indeed

Been there, got over it. Heres how:

1. Turn off your television, or go a step further and cancel your cable service. Nothing on TV is worth you time, most of the programming only reinforces AFC behavior. If your already in the dumps then watching improbable relationships on tv won't help your mood.

2. Get a hobby. There a thousands of things to do to spend your time. When you truly find an activity your interested in you'll notice that your mind will become more focused on it, rather than your situation. I recommend learning an instrument, another language, anything to not only spend your time, but improve yourself.

3. Exercise. Nothing will increase your mood more than exercising, it releases endorphins into your bloodstream naturally improving your mood. It also improves your body, with that extra confidence from a lean and fit physique you'll lose that "desperate" aura.

4. Look for forms of supplemental income. Perhaps it can be combined with your new hobby. Something that generates extra cash will automatically take your mind off of women. After awhile you'll be more concerned with that extra $500 towards your european vacation instead of some skank thats been ignoring you at the bus stop.

5. Find a competitive sport to play. Golfing with co-workers, pick-up basketball games, paintball. All of these activities and more will fulfill your manly need for conquest and competition. This inherent need for men to compete and win will diminish any thoughts about women. I know its hard to think about women when I'm dashing down the sideline of our local flag football league.

Your about my age too, at 34 I started noticing my diminished sex drive, let that work for you. As another poster wisely pointed out, were at the age now where we are not in a hurry for anything, its women our age that have the hot seat now. The biggest fear for a young man is to be a virgin into his late 20s. The biggest fear for an older woman is to be alone for the last part of her life. As men age we become more refined, independent and resourceful. Imagine all the things you can do without a nagging wife and kids around.

The only personal responsible for your happiness is you. Look to no others for this. You can either crawl into a hole and wait to die, or take action. You have already come to this site and are willing to learn, so your one step in the right direction. Goodluck brother.

 

[evelsteve]

Amen, Gunslinger. But like I said, find another woman; it's a numbers game. Nobody looks down on salespeople trying to improve their lot by upping their number of potential clients (sales). The same goes for Don Juans. The more plates you spin, the more chances you'll have of scoring (scoring can mean a lot of things:sex,companionship,romance,etc.), not to mention the buckets of confidence you'll gain from the challenge. Life will become exciting, not something you have to endure.