I'm in an impasse

[40quid]

All of you have been loads of help in getting my inner game in line. However, I've reached an impasse.

I understand the theory of a DJ. I've listened to tapes and read books like a mad man. And I've finally identified the character trait (or flaw) in me that is keeping me from being the complete success that I can be.

I've been a total success when it comes to academics and career. I'm going to more educated and more wealthy than many of my ancestors. But since I've been a kid, I've always been fearful of the unknown. For almost anything else in life, it's pretty easy to get over this fear -- you just take baby steps and eventually, you are doing the very thing that you fear.

When it comes to women, dating, and sex, I'm at a total loss. I understand the the theory and mindset, but my crippling fear prevents me from taking the first step.

Even if I get positive signs from a girl (and I've had many, many indications, now that I look back), I still make some kind of excuse to not start anything with her like: "she's not hot enough," "I'm not in the mood," or "I wonder if she will get freaked out that I'm not that sexually experienced."

This "getting women handled in my life" is killing me, and I really don't know what else to do. I know the theory, but crippling fear keeps me back.

Any advice?

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

You have to ask yourself, "what is it that I fear, and why?" Do you not have the confidence in your looks or personality to pursue or keep a woman? Is it commitment or responsibility? Is it your self-image? Are you extremely shy? Is it your conversational skills?

You have to take 'action' and stumble and fall and get back up, and then do it again. The only way you are going to break the 'fear' barrier is if you take action - reading is not going to do it - take a leap and find out what your fears are. This is the only way you are going to find out, you have to do it yourself. The answer is not in a book, the answer is in your head!!

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

So you got the theory on lock down, but what is theory without practice? (That was a rhetorical question PRL, which means its not meant to be answered)

Get out and do it. Seem hard? Do it with baby steps. I had a friend come to me once lamenting his inability to talk to any girls because of certain insecurities which tend to emerge whenever even considering talking to a female. The solution? Set your sights a little lower.

Without lowering your standards make your goal to talk to, that is introduce yourself to, any womenwho strike your interest. Don't initially try to nail a date (or them) by the end of the conversation, there will be plenty of time for that later you handsome devil . Make a mental list of things that you'd like to find out about her. Here's a road map for a cold approach which has served me wellin the past:

Maintaining a smile and some casual eye contact...

"Hey. I hope I'm not bothering you but I was watching you from across the court-yard and you look incredibly bored. Your face, the way you're bent mournfully over that book just screams 'save me you handsome stranger!'. Personally, I hate to see anyone suffering like that so naturally I came running.

By the way, I'm (Cyrano) its a pleasure to meet you."

If you have to practice in front of a mirror, do it, but find some opening that fits you personally. Have fun with it. Treat them with the status of a new friend and make your goal simply to brighten their day, and you're golden. But the most important thing here is to get out do this until it becomes second nature. After you've mastered the approach aim a little higher. Practice your C+F, your KINO, your close. Just get out there and accept no excuses.

On the one hand this will be quite difficult to start, but on the other hand difficulty has never been sufficient justification for the failure to try.

-CyranoDeBergerac

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by 40quid
...
When it comes to women, dating, and sex, I'm at a total loss. I understand the the theory and mindset, but my crippling fear prevents me from taking the first step.

Even if I get positive signs from a girl (and I've had many, many indications, now that I look back), I still make some kind of excuse to not start anything with her like: "she's not hot enough," "I'm not in the mood," or "I wonder if she will get freaked out that I'm not that sexually experienced."

What's happening to you is that you are not mentally in the present. You are psyching yourself out by letting your mind wonder to the future, playing the "what if" game.

When your mind isn't in the present, you miss out on what is going on around you. A good example of this is only noticing that a woman is interested in you AFTER the situation has passed and you have had time to revisit it. If your mind was with you then and there you would have picked it up immediately.

Playing the "what if" game is what stops guys from approaching women too. "What if she doesn't like me," "What if she has a boyfriend," "What if she says 'no'?" Alright, what if she does? Will you wither up and die?

When you play that game, play it to the nines. What is a c/f comeback that you can say? How will you make a graceful exit? Plan these things out before hand, be prepared.

Also, don't forget to play the what if game when things happen in your favor (yes it could happen). What would you say if she gives you her number or agrees to go out with you? You should be prepared for that type of outcome even more so than one that doesn't pan out.

You may consider getting some information on NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) if you feel that you need help in effectively working out these situations. NLP can show you how to reprogram your perspective of those situations. It can show you how to perceive positive closes in a brighter light while not so great closes are nothing more than a minor stumbling block that is easily forgotten.

Overall, keep your mind focused on what is going on in front of your eyes right then and there. Don't waste effort on what could happen when the moment has not come. However, be prepared well before hand so that when a particular situation arises, you will be ready to act accordingly.