I'm clinically depressed and I don't give a fvck.

[Warrior74]

During the last few years of hitting financial rock bottom, I was depressed...mainly because of how bad things were. Now that I have a job and I am getting back on my feet, it hasn't gotten any better. In some ways it's gotten worse. When I was just worried about paying rent or having enough food to eat, or trying to scrape up child support money to not go to jail, my depression was linked to those worries. Now it's just settled into a dark malaise that hangs like a black cloud over my entire life. Nothing matters, everything is grey, I have zero energy or motivation beyond survival. Eating a bullet has been a thought, and if it weren't for my parents and my daughter I'd just as well have it all over with.

I've gotten help in the past but to be honest I don't care to talk about my feelings to strangers and I hated the way the drugs made me feel. Freaking crazy pills only made things worse. Self medicating doesn't help in the long run. Exercise has diminishing returns (and I'm dealing with some injuries right now that make it nearly impossible), affirmations and positive self talk cannot be sustained over the long term and really does nothing for me in the short term. Meditation, I can't achieve the inner quiet anymore. It's all sound and fury signifying nothing. Over the years I've tried just about everything.

It's funny how now that I've barely crawled out of financial rock bottom, I land on emotional rock bottom. I really just don't give a fvck about pretty much anything. I spend all day faking it. You'd never know it if you met me. There is only a howling emptiness and bitter anger inside me. I don't know what to do with it. I do know the next step will probably be to start sabotaging my own life. That's how the pattern goes. It may take a year or two, but eventually it will come around to that. I've already started pushing people away and making risky moves in my professional and personal life.

I've all but given up on my business ventures. No capital, no credit, only a handful of clients. I'm tired and I don't feel like climbing that mountain any more. Same goes for women. I'm done. I don't care about her feelings, her conversations, her goals, hopes and dreams. I don't give one red fvck. And i don't want to waste my time entertaining that BS just to smash. I've done all that. It's not fun anymore. I'm out of the game.

So why did I type all this? For pity points? So some arsehole can tell me to cheer up buddy? No. Fvck your pity and lame ass cheer up/snap out of it BS. Seriously if you write some sh1t like that as a reply, here's a preemptive fvck you. I write for myself and to myself. Honestly, it's because I'm bored at work, procrastinating on important projects and I don't care enough to pretend on here, I only pretend to people who are important. So it goes. Good luck to you guys.

 

[Night-hawk]

I get how you feel.

I was reading over some Bukowski quotes recently and a few caught my attention.

"We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing."

“There’s nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don’t live up until their death. They don’t honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. They **** them away. Dumb ****ers. They concentrate too much on ****ing, movies, money, family, ****ing. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them the great music of the centuries and they can’t hear it. Most people’s deaths are a sham. There’s nothing left to die.”

 

[fuko2007]

Your already sabotaging your life thinking like that. Ive been in your shoes many times, in and out of rehabs and psychologists offices. Been on medication and to the low point of fvck it all. Im right on that cliff now, hanging on by a finger man. And from going through it for 25 years and getting any help thats out there i can tell you your depressed.

Its rage turned inward. Your mad at yourself about something. Maybe where you are in life because things you have done but guess what, you can sit there and stew and end up where i was. And you cant b/s me because ive been there. Or you can do something about it. Take one day at a time and make small changes .

I will always remember what an old Command Sergeant Major told me. He said son there will come a time in your life where you will have to come face to face with where you are and actions and decisions that got you there. But either way you have to be a man and step up and deal with them.

Ive lived my life by that and its pulled me out of the place you are in right now. Maybe it can help you, but i do feel sorry for you. I know the pain your in. Feel free to p.m. me if you ever feel like doing physical harm to yourself with your contact number and we can chat. Hope things get better for you.

Best of wishes,
Fuko2007

 

[HoneyHitter]

Warrior74, can you remember the things that made you feel happy when you were a child? What were some of the things you enjoyed spending time on?

Forget about everyone else. Forget about expectations, even your own. What's holding you back from enjoying those things, right now?

 

[Albatross953]

I'm might be full of **** on this, but can you look at your daughter and say there's no fight left in you?

I look at my kid right now sitting on a fort he made in my living room. He's king of his castle. And I'd do whatever it took to keep him king. No matter the cost to me.

Take a good long look at her and then tell me you've nothing left.

 

[Desdinova]

I'm might be full of **** on this, but can you look at your daughter and say there's no fight left in you?

I look at my kid right now sitting on a fort he made in my living room. He's king of his castle. And I'd do whatever it took to keep him king. No matter the cost to me.

Take a good long look at her and then tell me you've nothing left.

The way I see it is my kid relies on me to be the strong one and his supporter. If I wasn't around, he'd be pretty fvcked. He NEEDS me in order to survive, and to learn the stuff he's going to need later in life. I HAVE to be there for him. There's no choice in this.

 

[SingleMalt]

Hey Warrior74! Tell us about your handle. Did you serve in the military?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Warrior,
Depression is an illness like any other...Churchill used to be visited by his old black Dog as he called it...
Considered too deeply,there is a futility in it all,but we owe it to our parents and Children to pass the baton on...I am sure your Daughter would be sad to think you are contemplating dropping off the coil,she would miss you and so would we!...You just have to pick up your bundle and get on with it!

 

[backbreaker]

Warrior

I" going to give you some practical advice

this is what I had to do. I"ve been exaclty where you are now and this is how I started to deal with it.

see things aren't as bad as you are making them out to be you've just become overtly negative and you are developing a negative outlook on life

Everyday I have a list of negative thoughts I have. I Do this the second I roll out of bed.

write down your negative thoughts then write out what exactly is bothering you. For instance you say you are broke. But are you really broke? You aren't so much broke as much as you have financial obligations that you have to meet. To say you are broke means that you aren't making ANY money and that is not the case. you are mad becuase you aren't making the money you thought you would be aking now, but you are making money

this is one i did for this morning

No Friends


I am upset that my wife has more friends than I do and I don't have any friends

Okay Backbreaker let’s do a little exercise

Make a list of the people who you know that you actually want to be friends with

Wendy
Kyle
Dana
Ricardo

It’s not that you don’t’ have friends. You just have higher standards for friends. You don’t WANT to be friends with Gary or Joe lol or Charles. What the **** do you have in common.

You gave up Bradley and quicny, 2 dudes you had **** in common with but went different paths, and now you want to be friends with lazy ass black people lol? Bradley and Quincy would work and were smart. These dudes are stupid and won’t work. You don’t have friends because you don’t know anyone who is worth being friends with

You know kyle and kyle likes you. You know Dana and dana likes you . you know ricardo and ricardo likes you. Millie doesnt' work and has all day to make friends it's not fair to compare your social circle with hers. And if you had that many friends anyway you would not have time to mana ethem you can barly manage what's on your plate now.

People who have like qualities that you have like you. There just aren’t that many around here like that.


try it for a few days and i gurantee you that your attitude will improve.

 

[samspade]

Breathe.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Everyone feels depressed at some point in their life...and intelligent people more so than others. Objectively speaking, we have more negative than positive experiences in our lives. For most people, life is a struggle, either literally or metaphorically.

 

[Epimanes]

Dennis leary said it best.

"Life sucks... Get a fvcking helmet"

Dude.. You need a fvcking vacation. Something to rejuvinate you.

Epi

 

[Albatross953]

I second, take a vacation.

 

[[S]alvatore]

I think you should re-read these posts Warrior:

For all you whiners who keep moaning about your problems: My challenge to you

Take a moment to appreciate your life

This weekend. Take action!

Are you a man? Do you take responsibility for where your life is now?

Time to get out in the world. It's a nice sunday afternoon. Get out of the house!

Saying "fvck you" to people that are trying to help you, because you think that they don't understand what you're going through? I resent that. I have been where you are now, hell, I'm still going through it now.

- Not caring about anything or anyone? Check
- Anger and rage inside? Check
- Feel like saying "fvck it", and giving up every goddamn day? Check

You can either get help, and go back to a somewhat normal life. Or you can feel sorry for yourself, and go deeper into the hole. If you don't want to help yourself and give up, you're a pvssy, plain and simple. You'll deny this, but it's true.

You're 39 for fvcks sake, it's time to act like a man and deal with your problems. If you try something and it doesn't work, you move onto the next thing. Certain meds make you feel like sh1t? Get prescribed something else. The point that you are at now, YOU NEED MEDICATION. The benefits to you far outweigh any side effects.

Your sleep and diet are sh1t, fix them both. Exercise CONSISTENTLY, not for 2 weeks and then stop. 2 weeks won't do sh1t for your mind or body.

I had the same issue. I tried to keep a training routine going, and for 2 years I couldn't do it. Train for 2 weeks, then stop for 6 weeks. Last year I forced myself to do it. Eventually you won't have to fight your body and mind to do it, it will become automatic and a part of your weekly routine. Get a training partner so you are accountable if you don't show up. You said that you have some injuries, what are they?

Suicide is for cowards. People may say how sad it is that they're gone, but deep down they know that the person was a gutless weakling. Is that how you want to be remembered?

 

[MatureDJ]

I thought that when some a father's income goes down, he can get the child support adjusted. You make it sound like that doesn't matter, and that one way or another he had better come up with the cash or he's going to JAIL!

 

[Zunder]

I think you should re-read these posts Warrior:

For all you whiners who keep moaning about your problems: My challenge to you

Take a moment to appreciate your life

This weekend. Take action!

Are you a man? Do you take responsibility for where your life is now?

Time to get out in the world. It's a nice sunday afternoon. Get out of the house!

Saying "fvck you" to people that are trying to help you, because you think that they don't understand what you're going through? I resent that. I have been where you are now, hell, I'm still going through it now.

- Not caring about anything or anyone? Check
- Anger and rage inside? Check
- Feel like saying "fvck it", and giving up every goddamn day? Check

You can either get help, and go back to a somewhat normal life. Or you can feel sorry for yourself, and go deeper into the hole. If you don't want to help yourself and give up, you're a pvssy, plain and simple. You'll deny this, but it's true.

You're 39 for fvcks sake, it's time to act like a man and deal with your problems. If you try something and it doesn't work, you move onto the next thing. Certain meds make you feel like sh1t? Get prescribed something else. The point that you are at now, YOU NEED MEDICATION. The benefits to you far outweigh any side effects.

Your sleep and diet are sh1t, fix them both. Exercise CONSISTENTLY, not for 2 weeks and then stop. 2 weeks won't do sh1t for your mind or body.

I had the same issue. I tried to keep a training routine going, and for 2 years I couldn't do it. Train for 2 weeks, then stop for 6 weeks. Last year I forced myself to do it. Eventually you won't have to fight your body and mind to do it, it will become automatic and a part of your weekly routine. Get a training partner so you are accountable if you don't show up. You said that you have some injuries, what are they?

Suicide is for cowards. People may say how sad it is that they're gone, but deep down they know that the person was a gutless weakling. Is that how you want to be remembered?

You sound like one of those bytches that uses 'shaming tactics' against men. But I gather your gender is male.

"It's time to act like a man" -- jeezuz if I hear that crapiola one more time I might just crack the head of the plonker that says it.

 

[Tictac]

Suicide - adopting a permanent solution to a temporary issue.

Bad stuff for stupid people.

 

[zekko]

I thought that when some a father's income goes down, he can get the child support adjusted. You make it sound like that doesn't matter, and that one way or another he had better come up with the cash or he's going to JAIL!

CAN is the operative word. Child support adjustment is at the judge's discretion. Many judges set the amount at what they think the man is able to earn. This is to keep the man from sandbagging - dragging his feet, working less hard, and earning less than he is capable of. Either because he wants revenge against the woman by giving her less money, or simply because he is less motivated to earn money since he doesn't get to keep as much of it.

Guys have been sent to jail because they weren't earning as much as they used to, and some of our lawyer members can confirm this. You don't want to get caught up in the family court system if you can help it.

 

[VikingKing]

Me too man. It probably took you time to get depressed, so it will take time to get out of it. I think to the key is to try and change your though habits.

Winter makes its worse I think. Spring is coming, summer will follow.

I have very little motivation to do anything. I was going to the gym, a lot and doing well in that. Then I stopped going and hit the bottle again.

Now I'm slowly getting back into good habits again.
Its easier to fall into depression than it is to get out of it.

Wish I had the answer.


Alot of the greatest men they were leaders or accomplished great things had depression, anxiety or some mental illness. Churchill, Martin Luther King, Hitler, Tesla. So if that's and consolation.

I read somewhere once that men who accomplish great things often have an insecurity that can drive to infinity and beyond.

 

[[S]alvatore]

You sound like one of those bytches that uses 'shaming tactics' against men. But I gather your gender is male.

"It's time to act like a man" -- jeezuz if I hear that crapiola one more time I might just crack the head of the plonker that says it.

Yes, I am shaming him. We exchanged a few PM's, and he refuses to help himself, hence why I called him out.

The only reason I did this, is because I have been dealing with depression myself for the last few years (Probably had it mildy since childhood). If I didn't know first hand what depression was like, I wouldn't have said anything. People that say to "man up" without having been through depression have no comprehension of the illness. I agree with you, it's an overused term. I know exactly what he's going through, and I was in the same situation as him.

- Financially up the sh1t, no money at all
- Health problems (Much worse than his)
- No hope or plans for the future

I had neglected everything, just like Warrior:

- I was probably eating 500 calories per day, and when I actually did eat, it was junk food
- Not exercising
- Getting fvck all sunlight. Vitamin D levels were almost non-existent
- Some days I would sleep for 10+ hours, other days as little as 1-2. Eventually it got to the point where i hadn't slept for 4 days straight, this is when I got help.

When I fixed those 3 things and started taking medication, things improved 100%. I have been off meds for about a month now, and I still feel good.

It is possible to get out of the hole, but only if you help yourself. Don't expect anything to change by itself, it's all on you. And you know what? Depression has actually made me a better person. No longer do I worry about trivial bullsh1t, material posessions, or trying to impress other people.