I'm at wit's end now trying to get out of this mudhole.

[The Pedantical]

I have a pretty bad problem, which I've been fighting for the past few years, but it doesn't seem to get any better.

Basically, I've grown up with the sadded excuse for a man as a dad. He's the world champion in the AFC department, and lets his wife (my mom) control him and he's so afraid to contradict her or anger her that whenever she says something he just repeats it like a mechanical parrott. And my mom's some kind of paranoid psycho who gets really defensive whenever someone contradicts her and starts yelling and throwing stuff around if everything doesn't go 100% her way. Neither of them have any friends at all, there is zero contact with the rest of the family.

So then, now that I'm 23 and spent all my sad life secluded with them, I never learned how to talk to people. As any boy does, I always tried to mimick my dad, which creates such a pathetic and insecure atmosphere that I've been ridiculed at school and everywhere I happen to be. So from my dad, I got the totally unable to talk to people because I don't know what the hell to say thing.
From my mom, I learned how to be scared ****less of contradicting people and get in any conflict at all, because I grew up that whatever I said that was different from my mother's opinion was interpreted as a personal attack and I was yelled at and she would push my drawer on the floor and break everything and make me pick it all up.

So now, not only I unable to get over my fear of conflicts, but at the same time I have no idea what to say or how to act around people since no one ever showed me. Result? 23 years of age and yet to get a date, and a mother that keeps controlling every aspect of my life. Everything I do to get out of this predictament makes it worse, my mother tightens her grip on me, and my dad continues to fill my head with every single freaking example of what a man shouldn't do.

I've read a lot of stuff on this site, I've began to read some of C. Xuma's ebooks, and it seems that most of everything revolves around being a "man," which is exactly what I've been trained not to do since the day I was born. So I'm asking you guys... what the hell can I do now? I've got to get away from my parents, but I don't have any money and I never had a job in my life since my mom always kept me shut in, so I doubt I'd get hired anywhere, and I don't have any money for an appartment anywhere. I really got to do something, but now everything I've tried has fell flat... any advice? :kick:

 

[Yapper]

Holy crap... Well if you're in decent enough shape physically you could look at joining a military service. It'd probably be hell in a hand basket for you at first but if you survive it you come out stronger, plus it's your ticket the hell away from home and into a paying job.

 

[Yapper]

Were you home schooled by the way? You say you spent your entire sad life secluded with them. Does this mean you never had any friends or peers your own age to socialize with?

 

[The Pedantical]

Were you home schooled by the way? You say you spent your entire sad life secluded with them. Does this mean you never had any friends or peers your own age to socialize with?

I was home schooled from 15-19, since I couldn't get along with anyone in school (I was always the reject everyone picked on). I had a few friends here and there, but even though I call them "friends" they were always more like acquaintances, like the kind of person you see every once in a while and say "hi"

 

[Last Man Standing]

I suggest you work on your inner self - you need a shot of self-esteem - you have to recognize that your self worth is determined by you and not others!

What are you doing to better yourself that doesn't require money?

 

[Vintovka]

Get a job and start saving for a place, there are no-experience jobs out there. Do it secretly if you have to.

If it's as bad as you say, you gotta get out on your own.

You're over 18 now, they can't legally make you do anything. They could throw you out of the house, but at this point, that might be for best in the long run.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Don't join the military. They're drafting people out of the reserve right now. (we're losing alot of heads in Iraq. The answer is more troops!)

Try getting a new set of friends from school? Are you in college now? Find other things to do instead of being cooped up at home. Hell, talk to us some more! =D Are your parents rich or well to do? Do you get allowances? Are you not able to have a job?

 

[Vintovka]

Are you in the US? Once you turn 24 you can file for financial aid independent of your parents, college would be an oppurtunity for you to meet people and secure a decent paying job.

 

[Mental]

I've read a lot of stuff on this site, I've began to read some of C. Xuma's ebooks, and it seems that most of everything revolves around being a "man," which is exactly what I've been trained not to do since the day I was born. So I'm asking you guys... what the hell can I do now? I've got to get away from my parents, but I don't have any money and I never had a job in my life since my mom always kept me shut in, so I doubt I'd get hired anywhere, and I don't have any money for an appartment anywhere. I really got to do something, but now everything I've tried has fell flat... any advice? :kick:

::A Narrator's hushed whisper::"we've switched Pedantical's regular coffee with Hobson's Choice... let's see if he can tell the difference..."

There are people who have had worse. Not to trivialize your pain, but... get rid of that little voice telling you that you can't do something, and work on your problems. We all have to try.

Some of us have had a LOT of underserved garbage in our lives, and most of us try to get out of those situations the best ways we know how.

You were emotionally abused?! Try being the kid with the constant nightmares about his father killing him due to years of physical (and emotional) abuse by his old man.

And there are people who have had it a lot worse than I have, and I realize that fully. I COULD have easily complained, (and no, I'd rather not get into a pissing match about who's got it worse) But I'm doing what I can not to, and I'm working every day to improve my situation.

The issue is, once again, are you MAN enough to work on getting out of the situation, or are you just going to give up?

Hey, I had a horrible example of what being a man was. I had literally NO decent male role models in the family. And as I became a teenager, I slowly began to realize certain problems that I had, and I began working on changing them.

My buddies are strong men, and incredible role models for others. And I now have a great idea of being a great man because I decided to seek that out in my friendships. I can be who I am and realize that it's not all about the income and the hot women.

I'm in a hell of a rut right now. But you know what? There's a lot of really great things in my life too. Things will improve, just as they might for you... but ONLY if you make an effort. If you give up, well, that's your choice.

I think you DO have a basic idea of what's right and wrong, I think you have an idea that you're SUPPOSED to stick up for yourself, and what you think is right, you're just choosing not to do so.

Being a man isn't about how many chicks you've laid, or how muscular you are, or your job, though people will constantly try to tell you otherwise. It's about being able to live with yourself and being at least reasonably confident that you did your best to do the right thing, and handle it while being secure. It's about defending yourself, and being happy with that person.

 

[Yapper]

Don't join the military. They're drafting people out of the reserve right now. (we're losing alot of heads in Iraq. The answer is more troops!)

there's always the coast guard.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Move and get your own place.

 

[The Pedantical]

You guys give some good advice. I'm trying to save some money and get a job, but it's really difficult since I've got no idea where to look. Anyway, I know some peeps have had worse childhoods, but I trying to rationalize somehow what's wrong with me. At this point, the problem is that even if I was the most self confident person in the world I still would be stuck by myself without any friends since I don't know how to talk to people, nobody ever set the example for me, and so when I overhear people my age talking 99% of the time I have no idea what they're talking about

 

[Sun Tzu]

so when I overhear people my age talking 99% of the time I have no idea what they're talking about

How can that be? You seem to express yourself very well in writing. In fact, judging by the name you chose for yourself (most people don't even know what that word means), you must be quite literate.

Here's how to learn how to talk confidently with people:

When you're out & about, just say hello to someone who you normally wouldn't talk to. Maybe a store clerk. Mention the weather or make any kind of minimal small-talk. Just make tiny efforts at least once a day and before you know it, you'll feel more confident making conversation.

This sounds very simple and obvious but you'd be surprised how confident you can become by simply reaching out to people with a simple hello.

Sun Tzu

 

[jack knife]

hey man.. at least you can recognize and admit what's going on in your life. I'm sure a lot of guys who come to this site are in similar situations where their family has conditioned them to be a failure with women. and they post here asking the dumbest crap about making girls like them.

what I would suggest is finding a new role model. accept that your parents are a bit messed up, and that you do not need to adopt their lifestyle. spend time with people you look up to and respect, and learn from them instead of your parents. at 23 your parents shouldn't be the center of your life anyway.. branch out a bit man.

my dad is a total afc too. he was arrested a couple weeks before xmas, because he basically let a woman destroy his life (she wasn't my mother). your parents ive birth to you and raise you... but you don't actually have to be anything like them.

 

[jack knife]

I'm trying to save some money and get a job, but it's really difficult since I've got no idea where to look.

sounds like you got things backwards here... but I would spend time looking in the classifieds section of your newspaper, the job forums on craigslist.com, anywhere with a help wanted sign...

you can also do some volunteering. work at a soup kitchen, you'll meet a lot of people who have things worse off than you. puts life into perspective.

 

[girl_in_a_boy_forum]

^^ I agree. Volunteering puts things in perspective, and also helps you feel better about yourself. I used to have low self-esteem/confidence, and started volunteering at a therapeutic horse ranch. Helping others made me feel good about myself, and gave me the confidence to go out and meet people of all sorts.

Focus on getting money and getting away from your parents. Being away from home will give you a whole new sense of freedom and control in your life.

And practice talking to people you meet. One thing I did was talk to people whenever I was waiting in line for something. Put on a smile. When you're comfortable with talking to people of various ages and backgrounds, practice flirting, even to people you're not attracted to. With all this practice, when you meet a beautiful girl you really like, you won't choke.

Good luck! ^_^