I'm at a loss. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Mako Eyes]

I've got a bit of a dilemma.

My best friend, I've been in love with her for 3 years. She didn't know this until the other night, when I told her this in a drunken stupor. Now that she knows, I assumed she'd avoid me at all costs, but she's still talking to me.. Maybe even more.

Now factor this into the equation. Her boyfriend (who she started dating about 2 weeks before we became friends.. What are the odds?) is stationed in Hawaii, and we live in the states. And she is still dating him. He'll be there for 3 years, and she'll only get to see him 2 or 3 times a year. Where as I could be there for her always.

I'm not one to be egotistical, but I have everything he has and more. I have more personality in one finger than he has in his entire body. And I'm better looking. The only thing he has more of than me is money, which is understandable, since he's in the army. If she marries him, which they plan to do next year, she'll live off his money and basically go to college for free. I would take up 3 jobs if I had to, just to provide for her.

At the moment, I'm at a loss in terms of what I should do. It feels like the whole world is against me at the moment. She still talks about him all the time. She still seems to be happy with him.. even though all they do is talk on the phone. It seems to me that she doesn't know anything else, because she's been with him for so long.

My days are really sad now. If I'm not sad and depressed all the time, I'm drunk. Sometimes I'm both.



Anyone with some advice.. Feel free to share it.

 

[JonJack]

Now that you've expressed your feelings for her, the ball is in her side of the court. You never did mention what she told you after that. Did she tell you that she just treated you as a friend? Did she tell you that she doesn't know who she likes more?

Falling for someone after so much time seeing each other is always going to be hard. It's kinda like you're digging a hole beneath you slowly. Each day, each week, each month that passes only makes the hole get deeper. The fastest way out of it is if she would just reach down and pull you up. Seeing how she didn't do that, you're now stuck in this deep ass hole and you have to climb out of it on your own.

No doubt it is tough. But the first step to take to get out of this is to accept her choices. You don't push anymore. Don't see her so often. Don't talk to her so often. Distance yourself. Then you try as hard as you can to not hope that she'll choose you. As difficult as it may be, it's the one sure way of getting over a girl you've fallen so hard for. I'll leave the 'how to do it' to your own preference.

 

[Mako Eyes]

You're right, I totally forgot to talk about her reaction. Her initial reaction was suprise, if not shock, because she said "she was the only one who didn't know." Because everyone has been talking about how we should hook up for years now. But she always just assumed they were kidding about how I felt about her. I told her I kept it bottled up for so long because I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship.

About distancing myself.. I dunno. Even though she and her boyfriend are hundreds of miles apart, he still talks to her on a daily basis almost. He has the upper hand and he's not even on the same continent.

 

[Jariel]

Ok, the big mistake you have made is putting your feelings into words rather than expressing them with your actions. If you give a woman a logical dilemma, she will give you a logical solution (i.e. I'm already seeing someone, you are my friend etc). Now if you appeal to her emotions, let her experience what it's like to be close to you, be touched by you, go out with you, she is more likely to follow her heart over her head.

Also, you should never concern yourself with ruining a friendship. You are a man, you have feelings and you shouldn't be forced to hide your sexuality. Being the "Nice Guy" friend is the worst way of getting a woman to see you as more.

 

[LittleBigOne]

I think your doomed in this situation. For your own sake it is better to give it a rest. Don't push it any further. It is oke to take a little distance, it will give her the time to relax and think about it. She must be confused about it. Don't expect she will change her life and will choose for you. It's not gonna happen...
Good thing is that you put the topic on this page. The advice here is neutral and makes your mind more clear. You can't think clear when you are in such position because emotions have taken control.
Goodluck.

DW
Netherlands, the

 

[Mako Eyes]

@
Jariel: Well, the thing is I have been showing it through action for the past 3 years. She said it herself, she's the "worst person at picking up hints". And I didn't initially want to actually say it, it was the alcohol that gave me the push. At first, I didn't really say "I love you.", it was more like me making a comment about how jealous I was of her boyfriend and her affection for him.

And yeah, I'm aware that the Nice Guy approach rarely works, especially in this situation.

@LittleBigOne: Someone else made a simliar suggestion to me. Something about 'how would I feel if I were him, 100's of miles away, worrying about some other guy taking her away.' I know that's not what you meant, but still. It was HIS decision to join the army and leave her here.

She's definitely confused. Her mentality of me has gone from best friend to.. I dunno what. And I didn't expect her to drop her life with him at the drop of a hat for me.. But at least she knows how I feel now. And maybe that could factor into the equation later when she seriously thinks about spending the rest of her life with that other guy.

 

[Freeman]

Originally posted by Mako Eyes
I've got a bit of a dilemma.

My best friend, I've been in love with her for 3 years. She didn't know this until the other night, when I told her this in a drunken stupor. Now that she knows, I assumed she'd avoid me at all costs, but she's still talking to me.. Maybe even more.

Now factor this into the equation. Her boyfriend (who she started dating about 2 weeks before we became friends.. What are the odds?) is stationed in Hawaii, and we live in the states. And she is still dating him. He'll be there for 3 years, and she'll only get to see him 2 or 3 times a year. Where as I could be there for her always.

I'm not one to be egotistical, but I have everything he has and more. I have more personality in one finger than he has in his entire body. And I'm better looking. The only thing he has more of than me is money, which is understandable, since he's in the army. If she marries him, which they plan to do next year, she'll live off his money and basically go to college for free. I would take up 3 jobs if I had to, just to provide for her.

At the moment, I'm at a loss in terms of what I should do. It feels like the whole world is against me at the moment. She still talks about him all the time. She still seems to be happy with him.. even though all they do is talk on the phone. It seems to me that she doesn't know anything else, because she's been with him for so long.

My days are really sad now. If I'm not sad and depressed all the time, I'm drunk. Sometimes I'm both.



Anyone with some advice.. Feel free to share it.

3 years buddy? wow...thats amazing..how did you manage not letting it out the bag..my advice-LEAVE HER ALONE! I know its hard but you have too-I could see if you didnt have such stiff competition but she's been with this guy for over 2 years now...thats a tough thing to get in between..lots of emtions are in that relationship and it would take nothing short of a miracle for yo to win her over...WAKE UP! She's not the only fox around you I'm sure..

 

[Mako Eyes]

But there's just something about her. Not only the fact that I know her better than I know anyone else, it's just I feel like she is someone I could definitely spend the rest of my life with.

BUT, I think the safest thing for now is to just play it cool. I'm not really sure why the opinion is so popular that I should just cut off all contact with her.. At least I could just play the friend thing. Maybe one day it'll hit her how much I mean to her. Or maybe, it won't. Either way, I'll manage. I guess.

 

[milkman]

Originally posted by Jariel
Ok, the big mistake you have made is putting your feelings into words rather than expressing them with your actions. If you give a woman a logical dilemma, she will give you a logical solution (i.e. I'm already seeing someone, you are my friend etc). Now if you appeal to her emotions, let her experience what it's like to be close to you, be touched by you, go out with you, she is more likely to follow her heart over her head.

Also, you should never concern yourself with ruining a friendship. You are a man, you have feelings and you shouldn't be forced to hide your sexuality. Being the "Nice Guy" friend is the worst way of getting a woman to see you as more.

Totally agree here. Good post.

 

[coder]

The problem is you are stuck on stupid. While you have been following her around like a puppy dog and LYING to her that you just want to be a friend, you have passed up hundreds of opportunities with other women. Maybe none of them would have worked out, but you would have gained confidence and experience with woman. Instead, you just used her as an excuse to not risk rejection. The only real question is, are you going to stay stuck on stupid or move forward with your life?

 

[Hound_of_Love]

Originally posted by Mako Eyes
But there's just something about her.

Dude, we've all said that at one time or another. If I've learnt anything in my life, it's that there's always another one. The Hollywood idea of 'The One'? It isn't true. There are 'ones' but no 'The One' to get miserable over.

 

[Mako Eyes]

Originally posted by coder
The problem is you are stuck on stupid. While you have been following her around like a puppy dog and LYING to her that you just want to be a friend, you have passed up hundreds of opportunities with other women. Maybe none of them would have worked out, but you would have gained confidence and experience with woman. Instead, you just used her as an excuse to not risk rejection. The only real question is, are you going to stay stuck on stupid or move forward with your life?

Damn. That's good stuff, man.

A real head scratcher. I never really thought about it that way.


My friend talked to her last night, and just told her about his view of the situation. That she should rethink her position with this other guy, and give me some consideration. Her response: "If she had known all this sooner, maybe things would have been different."

I swear, the story of my ****ing life. "If only I were sooner."