izza
Master Don Juan
I might not know everything about getting women (although I'm starting to get some great ones), but I do know something about cognition. If I were in your shoes, I would lend me your ears.
In order to change the way you think, you must THINK FOR YOURSELF. Pook and Anti-Dump may deserve their near-god status on this site for their eloquence, and the power and simplicity of their posts, but if you only read and do not THINK, make your own dating system, and apply what you've learned, you gain next to nothing. If you want to be a DJ, at least according to the following post, you must be willing to reflect personally about what a DJ is and does - you must be willing to think about what YOUR strengths and weaknesses are as a DJ, and you must be willing to make YOUR OWN exercises to strengthen yourself and dispel phobias. Others can make suggestions and give guidelines but YOU must take the time to think, reflect, write, and practice - or else it is all for naught. One does not learn in taking notes, one does not learn by doing exactly what teacher says - one learns through personal reflection and through action. But I rush to add that far too many posts on sosuave say: "just do it, just ask for the number, just say hello, just start that conversation." Far too many posts say "why are you so terrified of a little girl? Just do it!" Becoming a DJ is not that simple. Sure, you might be able to kick yourself in the ass hard enough to get you to force out a hello or two, maybe start some conversations and get some number from some HBs. But few people I know have that kind of willpower on a REGULAR BASIS. A DJ does not have to wrestle with himself every time he sees a chick, a DJ is comfortable greeting anyone, doing nearly anything BECAUSE HE HAS OVERCOME PHOBIAS. Some of you would say, "right, he overcame them by kicking himself in the ass enough times that it just became natural and he overcame his fear, happily ever after." The entire purpose of this post is to argue against this often self-defeating way of learning; forcing yourself to do things that feel extremely difficult is not the best way to learn to do anything!
The best way to learn is by breaking things down into the smallest pieces possible. Master each piece, which should be so small that it won't take long to master, then begin combining. If anything feels too difficult to do, you haven't broken it down enough. Learning should be easy; if it's not, you're doing something wrong. Likewise, no step towards becoming a DJ should be too difficult. Many people have too much pride to make things easy for themselves - they think "if someone is afraid of saying hello to HBs there's something wrong with him" and they don't admit to themselves that saying hello to HBs actually requires a good bit of self-confidence, work on projection, a willingness to distract, or potentially waste another's time, requires overcoming a fear that the woman will become angry, or perceive your romantic interest. These things terrify everyone sometimes, even (I dare say especially) those that won't admit it.
The point is that a lot of phobias must be overcome to feel comfortable saying even simple, measly 'hellos' to HBs. Imagine how many phobias go into asking random chicks for their phone number!!
This brings us to the central question of this post (in fact of this forum): how can one go from AFC to DJ? Others have more than adequately covered what to do and say, what a DJ does and doesn't do. But then everyone tells you to just go outside and just BECOME a DJ through courage or failure, or through Boot Camp (essentially kicking your own a$$ into overcoming your phobias). Of course, this works quite well for some - but Boot Camp or simple self-hatred cannot overcome phobias. Even those who profited from BC and are now DJs had to think and reflect and overcome phobias. So rather than all the cognitive dissonance (the feeling you get when you want to do something but feel unable. This is not conducive to learning as it tells your brain "WARNING, the action I'm about to take is associated with DANGER and DIFFICULTY." I cannot stress enough that when something feels really difficult to do that's a BAD, BAD thing! That something is exceedingly difficult for you is a sign that you might NOT BE READY to do it effortlessly. Don't be afraid to walk away, don't be afraid to confess to yourself that you're afraid of something. What's happening is that your brain is too afraid, there are too many problems and phobias popping up that your brain gets confused and panics. It is relatively easy to overcome one phobia at a time, but it is petrifying to face 7 in just one 'hello.' Just be sure you take CONCRETE STEPS to do something about it. Think, write, reflect, and make simpler exercises for yourself to overcome your fear. (Many will think I am encouraging lurkers, but I am in fact urging them to reflect and find concrete steps they can take to get the hell off this forum.))
Just a quick summary before I get to my illustrative example: the best way to learn is to break things down. Make a list of the phobias and skills it takes to say a simple hello, or ask for a number. Then try to work on each one individually using an exercise that you invent (or that someone else suggests) - keeping it as simple and as easy as possible. Break every skill down into AS MANY INDIVIDUAL SKILLS AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, then work on the ones you don't do well. So let's say an aspiring DJ had a fear of saying hellos. That DJ, after thinking and reflecting decided that the fear of hellos was caused by a fear of showing overt romantic interest, a dislike of his voice, and a fear of distracting people. The DJ decides to just work on ONE AT A TIME. So at home he makes an exercise of projecting his voice in front of a mirror and with a microphone. Then as another exercise he goes and wastes the time of a bunch of friends, men, or old people and realizes that it didn't kill him. He does this on ANYONE BUT HBs!! Finally, he creates an exercise to overcome fear of showing overt romantic interest. Again, he does this on men, old fogies, his friends, ANYONE! He might pretend to be doing a sociological survery on who is single and who is not (easily interpreted as being come on to). He might just ask random people what their phone number is. Anything simple, anything doable - he makes an exercise out of it. He AVOIDS greeting HBs UNTIL HE FEELS COMFORTABLE DOING SO!!!! I repeat, he avoids greeting HBs until he feels comfortable doing so. He still might have to kick himself in the ass a little bit to say that first hello, but he will have DEVELOPED THE SKILLS NECESSARY TO DO SO WITH EASE AND WITH CONFIDENCE. He might have broken down hellos into 6 or 12 parts, but the point is he used his imagination, he thought for himself, and he broke down his route to hellos with HBs into simple steps. Success was easy, and it can be for you too.
All right, take notes, here's another example: me. I reached that part of BC where I had to ask people for their phone numbers and I just couldn't do it. I still can't. I find it terrifying. But I was running tonight and I realized something. As long as I promised myself not to give away my romantic interest to women, I had been breezing through the previous parts of BC. The hellos were a bit tough but they were easy. The conversations again, a bit tough, but they weren't bad. I realized that the less I thought about doing BC and asking for numbers, the easier it was to strike up a conversation. I realized that I had a phobia of being one of "those creepy guys that hit on women." If any woman saw me that way I would feel horrible. But do you see what I had done unconsciously? I had "broken down" the problem of saying hello to HBs by essentially giving myself a "backup story." If anyone asked, I would just say that I was simply being friendly, and maybe lie and say I already had a gf. That way, I could evade all accusations of trying to hit on women. Lame, isn't it? But it's what I had to do to get through that part of BC. Once I had to overtly show romantic interest in women with the phone number rejection bit, I floundered. I still don't have to this day (like 4 weeks later) a single rejection. It was so hard, I couldn't do it.
Realizing my phobia of showing romantic interest in women, I've come up with a couple of solutions (but the most important thing is to find your own, or at least try to find your own): like the guy above, I can pretend to be doing a survey of who's single and who's not. Or just make any conversation with couples about how long they've been together (it's kinda creepy behavior, and of course a bit weird, but the point is not to give a popsicle what it seems like! The point is to feel comfortable talking about romantic things with strangers.) I'll let you know how it goes, but I think I'll be mastering this in no time.
I could go on forever and give a million examples, but I would be belaboring my point, which is this: going from AFC to DJ should be an EASY path. It becomes easy through reflecting on one's strengths and weaknesses, and one's phobias. Then by concocting exercises to isolate and conquer these phobias - and then use exercises to combine and conquer mastered phobias. Use your imagination! And if at any time something is hard, reflect, break it down, create an exercise, get back in the field. Get a journal and write in it. It might sound stupid, but think about it this way: those that kick themselves in the ass, those that fail, those that do BC are working so hard and requiring so much mental energy and self-hatred to overcome the 430 phobias and skills required to say hello, keep conversation rolling, create interest, make jokes, and then close for a number no F***ing wonder DJs are so rare! And are they really overcoming phobias and learning as quickly as they could?
In order to change the way you think, you must THINK FOR YOURSELF. Pook and Anti-Dump may deserve their near-god status on this site for their eloquence, and the power and simplicity of their posts, but if you only read and do not THINK, make your own dating system, and apply what you've learned, you gain next to nothing. If you want to be a DJ, at least according to the following post, you must be willing to reflect personally about what a DJ is and does - you must be willing to think about what YOUR strengths and weaknesses are as a DJ, and you must be willing to make YOUR OWN exercises to strengthen yourself and dispel phobias. Others can make suggestions and give guidelines but YOU must take the time to think, reflect, write, and practice - or else it is all for naught. One does not learn in taking notes, one does not learn by doing exactly what teacher says - one learns through personal reflection and through action. But I rush to add that far too many posts on sosuave say: "just do it, just ask for the number, just say hello, just start that conversation." Far too many posts say "why are you so terrified of a little girl? Just do it!" Becoming a DJ is not that simple. Sure, you might be able to kick yourself in the ass hard enough to get you to force out a hello or two, maybe start some conversations and get some number from some HBs. But few people I know have that kind of willpower on a REGULAR BASIS. A DJ does not have to wrestle with himself every time he sees a chick, a DJ is comfortable greeting anyone, doing nearly anything BECAUSE HE HAS OVERCOME PHOBIAS. Some of you would say, "right, he overcame them by kicking himself in the ass enough times that it just became natural and he overcame his fear, happily ever after." The entire purpose of this post is to argue against this often self-defeating way of learning; forcing yourself to do things that feel extremely difficult is not the best way to learn to do anything!
The best way to learn is by breaking things down into the smallest pieces possible. Master each piece, which should be so small that it won't take long to master, then begin combining. If anything feels too difficult to do, you haven't broken it down enough. Learning should be easy; if it's not, you're doing something wrong. Likewise, no step towards becoming a DJ should be too difficult. Many people have too much pride to make things easy for themselves - they think "if someone is afraid of saying hello to HBs there's something wrong with him" and they don't admit to themselves that saying hello to HBs actually requires a good bit of self-confidence, work on projection, a willingness to distract, or potentially waste another's time, requires overcoming a fear that the woman will become angry, or perceive your romantic interest. These things terrify everyone sometimes, even (I dare say especially) those that won't admit it.
The point is that a lot of phobias must be overcome to feel comfortable saying even simple, measly 'hellos' to HBs. Imagine how many phobias go into asking random chicks for their phone number!!
This brings us to the central question of this post (in fact of this forum): how can one go from AFC to DJ? Others have more than adequately covered what to do and say, what a DJ does and doesn't do. But then everyone tells you to just go outside and just BECOME a DJ through courage or failure, or through Boot Camp (essentially kicking your own a$$ into overcoming your phobias). Of course, this works quite well for some - but Boot Camp or simple self-hatred cannot overcome phobias. Even those who profited from BC and are now DJs had to think and reflect and overcome phobias. So rather than all the cognitive dissonance (the feeling you get when you want to do something but feel unable. This is not conducive to learning as it tells your brain "WARNING, the action I'm about to take is associated with DANGER and DIFFICULTY." I cannot stress enough that when something feels really difficult to do that's a BAD, BAD thing! That something is exceedingly difficult for you is a sign that you might NOT BE READY to do it effortlessly. Don't be afraid to walk away, don't be afraid to confess to yourself that you're afraid of something. What's happening is that your brain is too afraid, there are too many problems and phobias popping up that your brain gets confused and panics. It is relatively easy to overcome one phobia at a time, but it is petrifying to face 7 in just one 'hello.' Just be sure you take CONCRETE STEPS to do something about it. Think, write, reflect, and make simpler exercises for yourself to overcome your fear. (Many will think I am encouraging lurkers, but I am in fact urging them to reflect and find concrete steps they can take to get the hell off this forum.))
Just a quick summary before I get to my illustrative example: the best way to learn is to break things down. Make a list of the phobias and skills it takes to say a simple hello, or ask for a number. Then try to work on each one individually using an exercise that you invent (or that someone else suggests) - keeping it as simple and as easy as possible. Break every skill down into AS MANY INDIVIDUAL SKILLS AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, then work on the ones you don't do well. So let's say an aspiring DJ had a fear of saying hellos. That DJ, after thinking and reflecting decided that the fear of hellos was caused by a fear of showing overt romantic interest, a dislike of his voice, and a fear of distracting people. The DJ decides to just work on ONE AT A TIME. So at home he makes an exercise of projecting his voice in front of a mirror and with a microphone. Then as another exercise he goes and wastes the time of a bunch of friends, men, or old people and realizes that it didn't kill him. He does this on ANYONE BUT HBs!! Finally, he creates an exercise to overcome fear of showing overt romantic interest. Again, he does this on men, old fogies, his friends, ANYONE! He might pretend to be doing a sociological survery on who is single and who is not (easily interpreted as being come on to). He might just ask random people what their phone number is. Anything simple, anything doable - he makes an exercise out of it. He AVOIDS greeting HBs UNTIL HE FEELS COMFORTABLE DOING SO!!!! I repeat, he avoids greeting HBs until he feels comfortable doing so. He still might have to kick himself in the ass a little bit to say that first hello, but he will have DEVELOPED THE SKILLS NECESSARY TO DO SO WITH EASE AND WITH CONFIDENCE. He might have broken down hellos into 6 or 12 parts, but the point is he used his imagination, he thought for himself, and he broke down his route to hellos with HBs into simple steps. Success was easy, and it can be for you too.
All right, take notes, here's another example: me. I reached that part of BC where I had to ask people for their phone numbers and I just couldn't do it. I still can't. I find it terrifying. But I was running tonight and I realized something. As long as I promised myself not to give away my romantic interest to women, I had been breezing through the previous parts of BC. The hellos were a bit tough but they were easy. The conversations again, a bit tough, but they weren't bad. I realized that the less I thought about doing BC and asking for numbers, the easier it was to strike up a conversation. I realized that I had a phobia of being one of "those creepy guys that hit on women." If any woman saw me that way I would feel horrible. But do you see what I had done unconsciously? I had "broken down" the problem of saying hello to HBs by essentially giving myself a "backup story." If anyone asked, I would just say that I was simply being friendly, and maybe lie and say I already had a gf. That way, I could evade all accusations of trying to hit on women. Lame, isn't it? But it's what I had to do to get through that part of BC. Once I had to overtly show romantic interest in women with the phone number rejection bit, I floundered. I still don't have to this day (like 4 weeks later) a single rejection. It was so hard, I couldn't do it.
Realizing my phobia of showing romantic interest in women, I've come up with a couple of solutions (but the most important thing is to find your own, or at least try to find your own): like the guy above, I can pretend to be doing a survey of who's single and who's not. Or just make any conversation with couples about how long they've been together (it's kinda creepy behavior, and of course a bit weird, but the point is not to give a popsicle what it seems like! The point is to feel comfortable talking about romantic things with strangers.) I'll let you know how it goes, but I think I'll be mastering this in no time.
I could go on forever and give a million examples, but I would be belaboring my point, which is this: going from AFC to DJ should be an EASY path. It becomes easy through reflecting on one's strengths and weaknesses, and one's phobias. Then by concocting exercises to isolate and conquer these phobias - and then use exercises to combine and conquer mastered phobias. Use your imagination! And if at any time something is hard, reflect, break it down, create an exercise, get back in the field. Get a journal and write in it. It might sound stupid, but think about it this way: those that kick themselves in the ass, those that fail, those that do BC are working so hard and requiring so much mental energy and self-hatred to overcome the 430 phobias and skills required to say hello, keep conversation rolling, create interest, make jokes, and then close for a number no F***ing wonder DJs are so rare! And are they really overcoming phobias and learning as quickly as they could?
