this should end this speculation and post
this is a email that john atlantis (pretty good attraction guy, i just do not like how he bombs his mailing with ads) send out where he talks about this subject GOODSTUFF.
A few episodes ago I wrote a controversial email about why it was
important to get a women into bed quickly, no matter what kind of
relationship you want to have with her.
To recap, most so-called "psychologists" take a different view,
claiming that couples who waited to have sex had more successful
relationships than those who jumped into bed quickly. Of course
the flaw with this view is, it doesn't take into account the
relationships that never happened because the guy didn't "close the
deal" quickly, and she took off looking for a man who would "define
authority for her."
But what about the couples in the "psychologists" study? Why would
those who "waited" be more "successful" than those who didn't?
Today I'm going to give you the answer to that question, an answer
that can save you a ton of future pain and heartache. Are you
ready? Good. Come closer, and listen carefully, because this is
important.
The reason the "couples who waited" were more successful than the
ones who didn't, has to do with what's called a "complex
equivalence." What's that you say? Simply this: a complex
equivalence means that a person takes a set of events and makes
them mean something completely different, even though the meaning
has nothing to do with reality. Then they take action based on the
meaning they created in their heads, not reality.
Let me give you an example--it will make this more clear. A friend
of mine told me a story about a married couple he knew. It wasn't
a good marriage, with the husband always cheating on the wife. She
didn't want to leave him, but she wanted the cheating to stop. So,
she went off the pill (without telling him) and got pregnant. Her
thinking went, "If we have a child, he'll stop cheating on me." Of
course this is NOT what happened... she had a child and he cheated on
her as much as he did before.
Her complex equivalence was this: having a child=no more cheating.
She created this complex equivalence in her mind, and took the
action of getting pregnant, based on the meaning she created. She
acted out of a complex equivalence, and, as usually happens, the
results were devastating. She had a child to raise with a cheating
husband. This was her new reality that was created, and now she
was worse off.
If you stop and think about this, it makes no sense in reality.
But that's the point I'm trying to make here: very few people make
decisions based on reality. They make decisions based on complex
equivalences they create in their heads.
So why did those couples in the study who "waited," have more
successful relationships? Because they based their decision to
have their relationship on reality, not a complex equivalence.
See, in reality, successful long term relationships have little to
do with attraction in the moment.
They are based on long term shared values, mutual goals, similar
outlooks and lifestyles, mutual orientation towards long term
relationships, and what I call "shared map and model of the world"
(I'll talk about this in an upcoming episode.) Sure, attraction
has to be present in the beginning, but attraction is transient,
and wears off quickly. What's left, determines the success of the
relationship, and if the above things are not present the
relationship implodes.
Consider the couples who slept with each other quickly and decided
to have a relationship. Most likely the reason they slept together
quickly was because they both experienced a powerful sense of
attraction. Nothing wrong with this at all. But the problems
occur when they make the complex equivalence of: powerful feelings
of attraction=long term relationship. The two have little to do
with each other, yet a lot of people get into relationships based
on this complex equivalence. Then the attraction fades and they
discover they have nothing on which a true long term relationship
can be built.
So, the true meaning of the study is this: couples who make the
decision to have a long term relationship based on reality succeed
at a much higher rate than those who make the decision based on a
complex equivalence. This is often why people who get married
young, get divorced young... they don't have enough of an
understanding of reality to be able to avoid a complex equivalence.
They believe that "love conquers all," an extremely dangerous
complex equivalence that has been perpetuated for ages.
