If I feel insecure about the relationship right now, should I "deal with it"?

[thatfeel]

Or should I talk to her about it? There is a lot of circulating information on the internet stemming not just from the PUA-esque community but also from other general areas of advisement regarding male behavior towards women...

I tend to live in an unfortunate state of other extreme happiness or extreme worry. Right now I'm in a slightly neurotic state and am finding myself to be insecure about the future of the relationship with my girlfriend. I want to talk to my girlfriend about it, but, according to advice I've read on the internet, I don't want to appear undeserving of her, and I don't want to lower my value in her eyes by doing so.

I am worried that eventually she will leave me after I make too many mistakes, and I also worry about why she hasn't already done so. Sometimes she can be very cruel in the things she says, like asking me when I'm going to move out or how much longer am I going to stay. And then later that night we cuddle up in bed and watch TV and cuddle in the morning after before we get up and go to work. And then the next day telling me I am her love. We have a very playful relationship at times but sometimes I cannot tell when she is just speaking out of frustration or playing with me. I can get insecure and reactive and start obsessive compulsively saying things like "Do you really want me to move out?" which I am sure is not attractive.

Please help.

 

[GotED?]

Bro - sounds like you have almost or totally LOST YOUR FRAME with this woman. Not sure if you ever had it from the beginning - that was not disclosed in your narrative.

She's DISRESPECTING you when she wants to - because there's no RESPECT established towards you where NO FRAME was issued from the beginning for her to abide by. She knows no rule to live by with you - she's a free spirited B!TCH allowed to misbehave as most women are left UNCHECKED.

If you want to take control (probably too late) - the only option left is really to start giving attention TO OTHER WOMEN slowly and GIVE HER LESS ATTENTION.

I don't really advocate NC at this point because it is not at that stage yet where she is DUMPING you. However, you want to re-create her perception of you as being WANTED and APPRECIATED by other women, initiating another source of the inferior human psychology of 'Want what we can't have' symptom in her.

Women ALONE can not figure out what they want (idiots) - they can only know what they want when there is a PERCEIVED value being given by other women apart from herself... and NEVER tell a woman that you are SCARED OF LOSING HER - you already have if you TELL HER as you have lost ALL VALUE in her perception.

Good luck.

Exodus

 

[Thundernuts]

Damn he beat me to it. Start talking to other women I feel that's something you aren't doing. It will not change how she percieves you but will also cause yourself to start looking at the situation differently.

 

[GotED?]

Damn he beat me to it.

It helps when one doesn't have a life sometimes :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

 

[bukowski_merit]

I am worried that eventually she will leave me after I make too many mistakes, and I also worry about why she hasn't already done so. Sometimes she can be very cruel in the things she says, like asking me when I'm going to move out or how much longer am I going to stay. And then later that night we cuddle up in bed and watch TV and cuddle in the morning after before we get up and go to work. And then the next day telling me I am her love. We have a very playful relationship at times but sometimes I cannot tell when she is just speaking out of frustration or playing with me. I can get insecure and reactive and start obsessive compulsively saying things like "Do you really want me to move out?" which I am sure is not attractive.

This woman is doing nothing more than push-pull on you. It's not conscious; but it looks like this:

On her instinctual level - she cannot be completely "b!tch" to you all the time. She would risk you cheating on her; or leaving her.

On the other side of this - If she was all the time nice to you - she'd risk you not doing what she wants.

So instead she does the female version of push-pull and acts lovingly towards you one moment, and then the next is acting like she doesn't want you around.... This will cause addiction in most men (it's giving a drug; taking it away; giving a drug; taking it away). And when this is successful (as it looks like it is) the power of the relationship transfers to her. You are then psychological dependent on her. Your state is dependent on her.

From there... Things go down hill even more...

Look at your words. You're already under the spell; you're already addicted. Your value on her affection; on her attention... Is HIGH and IS your high.

From here (or perhaps already here): She'll slowly lose sexual interest. She will begin to look down on you. You cannot be the king to a woman who looks down on you. She cannot respect a man she looks down on.

This is probably what you're sensing is going wrong (even though what you've written doesn't appear too bad on the surface.) Your own instincts are detecting this.

I'm in the opinion that when a man is already dependent on a woman - reversing that dependence is a miracle. You need to not only get out of a weak frame - but also deal with a woman feeling the balance of power switching back to you. Our words are just words - we can't get into your body and give you more willpower.

Yes, there are things you can do.

Unfortunately, you don't seem like you can do the things that are required at this point. Others have mentioned them: Withdraw your own attention, Don't be there at her call whenever she chooses to give you her snuggle/sex, push her away.... You don't have to cheat, but go out and find other women interesting again! (you probably haven't been doing this.)


To me - YOU already look like you're in big trouble though.

 

[GotED?]

This woman is doing nothing more than push-pull on you. It's not conscious; but it looks like this:

On her instinctual level - she cannot be completely "b!tch" to you all the time. She would risk you cheating on her; or leaving her.

On the other side of this - If she was all the time nice to you - she'd risk you not doing what she wants.

So instead she does the female version of push-pull and acts lovingly towards you one moment, and then the next is acting like she doesn't want you around.... This will cause addiction in most men (it's giving a drug; taking it away; giving a drug; taking it away). And when this is successful (as it looks like it is) the power of the relationship transfers to her. You are then psychological dependent on her. Your state is dependent on her.

From there... Things go down hill even more...

Look at your words. You're already under the spell; you're already addicted. Your value on her affection; on her attention... Is HIGH and IS your high.

From here (or perhaps already here): She'll slowly lose sexual interest. She will begin to look down on you. You cannot be the king to a woman who looks down on you. She cannot respect a man she looks down on.

This is probably what you're sensing is going wrong (even though what you've written doesn't appear too bad on the surface.) Your own instincts are detecting this.

I'm in the opinion that when a man is already dependent on a woman - reversing that dependence is a miracle. You need to not only get out of a weak frame - but also deal with a woman feeling the balance of power switching back to you. Our words are just words - we can't get into your body and give you more willpower.

Yes, there are things you can do.

Unfortunately, you don't seem like you can do the things that are required at this point. Others have mentioned them: Withdraw your own attention, Don't be there at her call whenever she chooses to give you her snuggle/sex, push her away.... You don't have to cheat, but go out and find other women interesting again! (you probably haven't been doing this.)


To me - YOU already look like you're in big trouble though.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to bukowski_merit again.


Great analysis interpreted in laymen's terminology. +1 if I could.

 

[thatfeel]

This woman is doing nothing more than push-pull on you. It's not conscious; but it looks like this:

On her instinctual level - she cannot be completely "b!tch" to you all the time. She would risk you cheating on her; or leaving her.

On the other side of this - If she was all the time nice to you - she'd risk you not doing what she wants.

So instead she does the female version of push-pull and acts lovingly towards you one moment, and then the next is acting like she doesn't want you around.... This will cause addiction in most men (it's giving a drug; taking it away; giving a drug; taking it away). And when this is successful (as it looks like it is) the power of the relationship transfers to her. You are then psychological dependent on her. Your state is dependent on her.

From there... Things go down hill even more...

Look at your words. You're already under the spell; you're already addicted. Your value on her affection; on her attention... Is HIGH and IS your high.

From here (or perhaps already here): She'll slowly lose sexual interest. She will begin to look down on you. You cannot be the king to a woman who looks down on you. She cannot respect a man she looks down on.

This is probably what you're sensing is going wrong (even though what you've written doesn't appear too bad on the surface.) Your own instincts are detecting this.

I'm in the opinion that when a man is already dependent on a woman - reversing that dependence is a miracle. You need to not only get out of a weak frame - but also deal with a woman feeling the balance of power switching back to you. Our words are just words - we can't get into your body and give you more willpower.

Yes, there are things you can do.

Unfortunately, you don't seem like you can do the things that are required at this point. Others have mentioned them: Withdraw your own attention, Don't be there at her call whenever she chooses to give you her snuggle/sex, push her away.... You don't have to cheat, but go out and find other women interesting again! (you probably haven't been doing this.)


To me - YOU already look like you're in big trouble though.

I already does what she wants anyway because I enjoy taking care of her. When she's nice to me I am nice to her.

Look, you guys have great advice for running game and short term solutions that are great for hooking up with girls. But I think that my naivety assumed that you could have made an informed post based on what little information I gave. The frame of the relationship is not based on the push-pull you think she is doing. My current situation is based on a conflict we just had, nothing more. How did it end up being that to fix issues in a relationship that you have to turn your attention to other women?

 

[VikingKing]

I already does what she wants anyway because I enjoy taking care of her. When she's nice to me I am nice to her.

Look, you guys have great advice for running game and short term solutions that are great for hooking up with girls. But I think that my naivety assumed that you could have made an informed post based on what little information I gave. The frame of the relationship is not based on the push-pull you think she is doing. My current situation is based on a conflict we just had, nothing more. How did it end up being that to fix issues in a relationship that you have to turn your attention to other women?

Well man, you need to put important details into your post. Based off of what you wrote you have been given extremely good advice.

When you focus your attention on other women or even just something that isn't her she will pick up on that and start caring about you and your relationship much more.

Also if she does break up with you, you will have other options (women) to fall back on and it won't fvck you up emotionally if she leaves you. You have to protect yourself, because once a woman doesnt respect you, she won't give a fvck about you at all anymore.

Having options will make you feel secure. Having one option will slowly make you become insecure, needy, desperate ect.

 

[El Suave]

How did it end up being that to fix issues in a relationship that you have to turn your attention to other women?

Just try it and see how it works miracles! You came for advice and the above posters gave it to you SPOT on. I'm dealing with the same thing now (no words from her just push-pull) and already started talking to other women. She doesn't know it but I'm sure she can sense it. Doesn't matter, she is about to be replaced if she doesn't quit that crap.

Put the choice in her hands (without saying it) that if she doesn't domesticate soon, she will be replaced. THAT is what talking to other women while in a relationship does to a woman.

Keep learning.

 

[bukowski_merit]

I already does what she wants anyway because I enjoy taking care of her.

And this is going to be a problem with every girl you date.

We are men; our instinct is to protect the weak... "Women and children first" when a ship is sinking... This same instinct unfortunately is often our biggest enemy. At least if you want a relationship where you don't do what she wants at all times. If you want a relationship where the woman controls everything (including your state) - then good luck with that. I think you'd have trouble on a lot of feminized site of finding many men or women who think it's a good idea to just do what the other person in the relationship wants.

When she's nice to me I am nice to her.

When she is [x] you are [x]....

And you think this is healthy? Ok?

Look, you guys have great advice for running game and short term solutions that are great for hooking up with girls.

I should have recognized your very first sentence as your disbelief that we could be of assitance here. There's certainly differences in how you approach a girl on a first night or after being with her for years.... But the big picture remains the same.

But I think that my naivety assumed that you could have made an informed post based on what little information I gave.

Read your own OP. Look at the language you use. You're worried she's going to leave you. You're surprised she hasn't. You're insecure about what to do. You're crying out for help.

If you're telling us that - your state is not caused by her. Maybe by some psychological problems - then what are you doing here? Go see a psychologist.

What it appears you're saying is your state is caused by her. If that is the case - then we are giving you the most useful advice we have.

The frame of the relationship is not based on the push-pull you think she is doing.

The frame of the relationship is that you do what she wishes. And the result is what? You're happy when she's happy..... Again, you're ok with this?

Some women do it less. Some do it more. But the push-pull mechanism is always in play in all relationships. It's not the "frame"; it's only a mechanism at play in he frame war that is going on in most relationships (unless one party has given up the control already.)

How did it end up being that to fix issues in a relationship that you have to turn your attention to other women?

Because you've already messed up badly here. YOU are under her spell. You are addicted to her. The best hope you have to reverse things is to find other women attractive again; to see that there are other women out there.

But really; if you're content in the type of relationships you're in - you'd most likely just repeat the process.



So... Do what you want slugger.... It's probably not going to work on her either way...


PS: There's a few guys on here who will tell you to talk to her about it. Listen to them and ignore all us. That's what you want isn't it?



If this seems harsh - it's only because there's so many guys who come on here for advice, reject it when it's given, while at the same time justifying their behavior (and hers). What is the point of that?

If you feel like we're misunderstanding the issue - explain it better. If you're just going to do what you want to do (talk to her) - do it. Learn from your own experience....

 

[Sofomore]

I was in OPs situation recently and I've gotta say the posters here are right. All you want us to say is, "sure it's ok to talk to her." When really, it's the opposite. You need to withdraw attention and make her hamster spin. If you aren't willing to accept the advice of people with more experience than you, then by all means go do whatever you want. Experience teaches best, and you are about to get b!tch slapped by experience.

 

[JoeMarron]

I wish you could realize how easy the game is when dealing with a sane woman.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Sometimes she can be very cruel in the things she says, like asking me when I'm going to move out or how much longer am I going to stay.

Did you move into her place? Do you split the bills? If you're paying your own way, then she's just being a b!tch.

 

[thatfeel]

Yeah I did. We split everything, buy each other sh!t all the time, etc etc. Btw IN CASE you guys forgot she is 49 years old and I'm 23! lol

 

[GotED?]

Yeah I did. We split everything, buy each other sh!t all the time, etc etc. Btw IN CASE you guys forgot she is 49 years old and I'm 23! lol

PHUCK THAT

You are way over your head, Buddy (and next time post RELEVANT information FIRST instead later in starting a thread)

You been OUT-GAMED, none of us can help you overcome the experience of a 50-phucken year old historical female fossil with the knowledge and wisdom of a FEMALE YODA :crazy:

Get the phuck out of there before you really get mentally and emotionally destroyed.

This is not a normal relationship - this is a sexual power and control conquest wholly at the advantage of her experience.

Exodus

 

[thatfeel]

Bro, you think I was dealing with someone my age or somethin'? There is a reason I at first rejected the whole notion of "seeing other girls" lol. And it's not because I want to hear "yeah dude just talk to her".

 

[VikingKing]

Yeah I did. We split everything, buy each other sh!t all the time, etc etc. Btw IN CASE you guys forgot she is 49 years old and I'm 23! lol

run.

 

[Epimanes]

Do you live with her? If so.. You should tell her you don't appreciate her condensending attitude and if she keeps it up she can move out. Then follow through. Feelings follow actions and when you kick her out you will fvck with her head and retake your frame. Don't put up with this shyt. Don't be an overbearing azzhat either. She will either come to her senses or you will find a younger hotter girl to pound. Just imagine if she's 49 and your 23 what sex will be like with her when your 43 and she's 69. .... Wrinkled puzzy? You really want that? Is she your sugar momma?

Epi

Edit: shyt dude... She's old enough to be your mom!

 

[Thundernuts]

Jesus christ why didn't you mention the age difference sooner.

Run. This woman is going to emotionally break you down if you don't because the force is strong in that one and your not even a padawan.

Seriously there is no hope for you. I know you want to stay with her because you you feel you have alot invested. Look at exodus. He was married and had to get back into the game. Now he is like mace windu. Dude you have to realise that this relationship was doomed to end as soon as it started. She is too old for you. She looks at the world entirely different then you and me. Sorry but you knew this was coming.

 

[Jaylan]

Youre still with this woman OP? Jeez.

I never think such a large age gap is good for a long term relationship. It works for casually fun dating, but not serious relationships. You two are at largely different places in life, and she greatly outpaces you in experience and seems to know exactly how to use that knowledge to manipulate you.

You men and women in their 20s shouldnt be delusional thinking a long term relationship with someone twice their age is gonna work out. Find a girl your age OP.