I WAS BLIND-SIDED! I’m SICK...I need your guys help more than ever

[jbbrain]

Originally posted by otr4
A few years ago, I thought I couldn't trust women and had given up. Recently, I had gained some hope, but now, AFTER THIS, I don't think I can ever really trust a woman again, EVER.
I'm serious about this,
I realy don't think I can interact with women on the same emotional level again. I can feel my mysoginistic tendencies creeping back again. How can I ever let a girl seriously into my heart or life again with the thought lingering in the back of my head that she could just simply out of the blue end it with an e-mail. It's not like I was with this girl for years or anything, but I did feel a connection with her and to have it suddenly end for literally what seems like no reason leaves the most sour feeling in my stomach and mind. I'm not sure what to think or do at this point. I thought I had made some serious improvements in regards to women, but I don't know what to think anymore.

UHHHH!

OTR-Dude, I've stuck with you and some of your past issues...BUT THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH!

With all due respect man, grow the fvck up! Look at yourself! You've become a babbling, confused, whiny, depressed BOY!
These 'trust' issues you apprently will all of a sudden now have with women, I'm sorry to say, were always there. Fine. How this girl was able to quell all your past insecurity and all your fears of abandonment etc in a months time is beyond me (remember when I told you to be honest with yourself in your last post?). And to boot, you guys were inexclusive! How can you let yourself be hurt by someone like this!? All this time you fooled yourself into thinking that you 'could' be that type of guy who can deal with an open relationship and everything it entails (the fact that you COULD, technically, be dumped by her at ANYTIME, amongst other things) and now the reality of this 'openness' has hit you, and you act like you're surprised!

Please man, be strong about this. I know youre emotional and everyhting right now. Youre not thinking straight. I've been there. But let's put things into a little perspective, shall we?

You'll be fine, but don't always be so naive as to create wondeful fairytales in your head when reality states that you're with a girl in an open relationship for only 1 month. And don't be so naive as to turn so misogynistic all of a sudden either. You go to either extreme, and it just goes to show you that youre not a man well versed with the reality that will always be there to shed truth and reason...and it will always be right in front of your eyes.

 

[E-Z Rider]

As far as analysis and hind-sight goes, I really have nothing to add to what others have said here.

But as for what to do now-

I know you're real emotional at this time, but don't spend any longer than a week moping around (preferably not even that long). After that, pick yourself up and move on. No looking back.

Hang out with your friends, go out drinking with them (or whatever you do for fun). Try some new stuff, just for the hell of it. Focus on school, or work, whichever one you're doing. Start a new workout regimen.

Staying busy is absolutely key. After a couple of weeks, or however long you need (but not rediculously long), start looking for chicks again. Maybe do the Boot Camp thing, even if you've already done it, just for the hell of it.

Just stay busy. And ask us for help if you need motivation. We're here for ya bro.

Learn from this- don't ever give a woman more love than she deserves. Learn how to guage how much she does deserve. Dekka brings up a very good point with his comparison of worthy women resisting sex and worthy men resisting love.

Good luck, and I hope you take all the good that can come out of this (you have no idea). -E-Z

 

[NewMan]

Believe me I know what it's like to lose someone you had a connection with.

I'd like to offer these few observations first.

1) Your got way to much into this chick if you've only been seeing her a month. This is a very important point in my mind - but, you sshould NEVER - no matter how you feel about this girl - or how long it's been for you without getting good pvssy - get into a girl as much as you did within the first month. It's a recipe for disaster. You've got to distance youself from her.

2) If your going to play the open relationship game (which in my opinion has a very low chance of working out in the long term) then you need to be emotionaly strong - or at least only want this chick for poon. Thats not your case. You didn't act emtionally strong or with the right attitude.

3) when you found out about her kissing another guy - you should have backed the fvck off big time. No calls every day - no long chats. You treat her like one of your stable of girls. She no longer has exclusive rights to you - which means no longer daily contact - no emotional tampon sh#t. This helps you by removing you and your heart and emotions. It build a barrier up so when she dumps you, it doesn't hurt as much.

Moving on.

1) Don't call or email. She's made the decision. Let sh#t rest for now. She will 99% likely to call you back. Act like sh#t is good. Don't get emotional. This point is very important. NEVER tell her you miss her. Even if she tells you she misses you - YOU DO NOT TELL HER YOU MISS HER. Tell her things have been different but your busy with your boys - or some sh#t. I can't emphasize enough that you can't no matter how much you feel you want to - let her know that you miss her and want her back. Not on the first phone call. Let her stew - let her miss you. Let her think she's fvcked sh#t up. Let her think you are cool with things.

2) Realize as you move on, that you are fine without her. There are other chicks. You do deserve better. You are whole alone. In the future protect yourself emotionally.

3) she fvcked someone when away - thats why the distance when she came back. Thats why she cried on the phone. Women are emotional - she's not crying for what she's done she's crying for YOU. She plays you and cries because she believes your weak - like you need that from her. Fvck that man.

4) a month - thats 30 days. 4 Saturday nights. 4 weekends of fun. Your going through LUST not love. Not emtional connection. It will be gone faster that you can imagine.


5) Don't call her.

6) Have a few drinks - hit on chickies. You'll be fine.

 

[PlayerSupreme]

Originally posted by jbbrain
UHHHH!

OTR-Dude, I've stuck with you and some of your past issues...BUT THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH!

With all due respect man, grow the fvck up! Look at yourself! You've become a babbling, confused, whiny, depressed BOY!
These 'trust' issues you apprently will all of a sudden now have with women, I'm sorry to say, were always there. Fine. How this girl was able to quell all your past insecurity and all your fears of abandonment etc in a months time is beyond me (remember when I told you to be honest with yourself in your last post?). And to boot, you guys were inexclusive! How can you let yourself be hurt by someone like this!? All this time you fooled yourself into thinking that you 'could' be that type of guy who can deal with an open relationship and everything it entails (the fact that you COULD, technically, be dumped by her at ANYTIME, amongst other things) and now the reality of this 'openness' has hit you, and you act like you're surprised!

Please man, be strong about this. I know youre emotional and everyhting right now. Youre not thinking straight. I've been there. But let's put things into a little perspective, shall we?

You'll be fine, but don't always be so naive as to create wondeful fairytales in your head when reality states that you're with a girl in an open relationship for only 1 month. And don't be so naive as to turn so misogynistic all of a sudden either. You go to either extreme, and it just goes to show you that youre not a man well versed with the reality that will always be there to shed truth and reason...and it will always be right in front of your eyes.

I agree.

What is amazing is the start date on otr. this makes sosuave look bad. 2 years of posting and reading and learning...for this?

I said under the how to tell if your an alpha.... You can't change the inner nature of a person by adding all this shyt on top...

Adopting a cool mindset is different from actually becomming...as I mentioned in the thread The State of Being.

 

[squirrels]

Gahh...you'll be really p!ssed off and disillusioned for a little while, but once your head clears you'll be able to see that you walked into this one.

Your girl went away to some tropical paradise and made out with another guy, and then came back to you and asked if you were OK with an "open relationship." And you said, "Yes." If what you wanted was something EXCLUSIVE and emotional with this girl, the answer should've been NO. Not in an angry, jealous way, but you should've called her on her BS.

Instead, you pretty much gave her a license to screw around with other guys, which she probably DID after that. Which is fine if you only wanted her for a f-buddy in the first place. But now that she's had a taste of the free market and you weren't strong enough to hold her to any kind of commitment, she's thinking that you're just holding her back and she wants to go out and slut herself for a while to see what's out there.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if when she asked you if "open relationships" were OK, your answer was less like, "yeah sure, whatever, just be safe" and more like, "uhh... *awkward pause* yeah, I guess we could try that. Just don't have sex with them, OK??"

It also wouldn't surprise me if "drunkenness" wasn't the ONLY reason she kissed this other guy.

Sounds like you saw this coming and walked right into it. Damned if that feeling isn't familiar.

 

[DJ Alejandro]

clear your head asap.your gonna do a lot more damage to yourself if you sink deeper into that hole. ive been there. haha imagine me and this girl. 3 1/2 months at most. it was an open thing. we were dating. but therewasno 'you and me'talk. nothing exclusive. wel, its kinda hard. i know. juz get your lifeback togethere. pieceby piece.

im in an LTR rightnow. 1 yr and goin for 3 months. i still don't call her. maybe once ortwice 10-min convrsations.

sorry guyz. this keyboard is busted up real good.

 

[EFFORT]

otr4 you need to watch the movie Swingers

 

[playasupreme]

She messed around with someone else and it started eating away at her. Innocent people don't act guilty. Don't talk to her anymore this is just chaos on your fragile emotions. What are you, addicted to pain?

 

[ManOMan]

I think otr may have stepped over the boundries of their open relationships.

Most likely you were acting too emotional and "falling in love" and you may have scared this girl away (since she either has a fear of commitment/being hurt or she is just a slvt who likes to play the field)

Whatever the case, you were being too lovey-dovey with her.

and about losing faith/trust in women? CMON!!! you call her a WOMAN?? I hope you dont let a girl like this who is up for open relationships jade you of the REAL women out there

Finally, Listen to NEWMANS advice, 99% she will be back,so stop your trippin, but your dilemma now is to decide if you want her back, knowing the type of games she plays or the dead-end road relationships like these take?

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

There is no such thing as an 'open' relationship - you have no relationship, just a sex contract! She had sex with the dude in Hawaii and not just a kiss!

 

[ManOMan]

open relationships = I just want to get laid, until the guy/girl I will like comes along.

Usually one or the other gets hurt. Its even a insult to YOU that this girl was saying you are not worth anything more to me than just sex

It really sickens me when good guys get involved with women like this, but what sickens me even more is that this is how women used to behave

they used to cling to a guy saying its "just sex" then they would get attached and the guy would leave

Now its the opposite

 

[CLOONEY]

OUCH. Dude, you really got hurt. I can see someone had a BAD case of oneitis. You trapped her in your mind as only being a LTR after only a month. NEVER place so much trust in a girl so quick. Or get so infatuated. Learn from this and grow from it. Let yourself see you dont need one woman to make you a happy man. And stop the self pity. This stuff is what seperates the men from the boys.

 

[Dirtheart]

It is very painful to read this as the whole reason I discovered this board was due to a very similar issue. I had strong feelings for someone and after a bout of depression, she brushed me off.

Honestly, she is nothing special. Yet, I bound myself to her emotionally and when that happens, it can be hard to pull away and move on, and it does still hurt a lot when I think about her.

As most people here have said, the key is to occupy your mind with other things. Force yourself!

I believe that the pain doesn't stem from losing HER, but losing her attention, feeling rejected and being alone. SHE can be replaced.

 

[AMF]

Originally posted by NewMan
You are whole alone.

Step one for everyone.

 

[TooColdUlrick]

otr4, damn that was one of the most pathetic, wuzzy posts i've seen in a while.

open relationships can work, so long as both of you have the proper expectations about what the word "open" and "relationship" are. same thing with FWB, and FB's. and no, they rarely work out long term, but it was never intended to.

a weak man, as you are, should not enter into such an arrangement.

you turned into a wuss after, what, 4 weeks--two of those she's in hawaii? you talk to her everyday, three times a day when she's in hawaii, getting fvcked by another dude.

she did not do the 180, YOU DID!

you gave her a very good reason to do what she did. and now you're all broken up about it.

have you learned nothing?

don't call her, don't email her, don't think about getting back with her, just forget about her and move on with your life.

finally, stop being so bitter. jezus, this was YOUR fault, and you're laying blame on this chick.

 

[Amog]

You guys need to quit being his emotional tampon. He's addicted to the attention.