Day 1
Day one. The first entry. It’s been about 2 weeks since the ever so dreadful brake-up. I’ve cried , I’ve suffered and without a doubt I was lost. For the last 10 or so days I had no purpose…no meaning. I built my entire world on the support vectors of this extraordinary piece of human existence. She was the center of my galaxy. I recently learned that the center of a galaxy is in fact a black-hole. Needles to say , I felt slowly disintegrated by mine.
Yesterday was the first day of no contact. I thought about her. I pictured her missing me and tears running from her eyes. I also pictured her in the arms of a would be rebound trying to find shelter. Both were possibilities. It wasn't pleasant , but I was determined. "I will not relapse , I will not break."
Anyway ,I have been going out , spending more time with my friends , re-establishing old contacts…Something I neglected when with her. I had the opportunity to kiss close some random chick the other day. Couldn’t bring myself to do it. R was a constant presence on my mind. Anything less was unsatisfying. It just felt wrong.
I'm still during the finals so people don't really go out that much. Can't wait for college to really start in full gear again.
Today I feel different though. I’m picking myself up. Weakness is leaving my body and strength is taking over. I can feel myself rising again and I found a new sense of purpose. I am starting to ‘re-feel’ freedom. Not that I didn’t have freedom with her , we both had all we wanted. She wasn’t possessive or needy , neither was I. Still , not having to constantly worry about someone else is quite…refreshing. I can do whatever I want , when I want … no more deleting archives / texts / browser history. Not that I ever had anything to hide. I never cheated , never betrayed her. However ,there are some things that you’d rather keep to yourself. My journey to becoming a PUA and texts I sent girls so my game would not die out is something I preferred keeping to myself. Again , no harm , no foul.
Like I was saying , a new sense of purpose. I have made a list of short-term goals for myself. This includes:
Work out on scheduled days ( no excuses) - Shaun T’s Insanity. Not something easy by any standards. Want a real challenge ? I dare you to take it on.
Eat right (workout diet)
Do not FAP for at least 15 days (little experiment. I believe it will improve my inner me. 8 seconds of extazy are usually followed by a depression-like state and a loss of purpose. Quite a bit of bro-science going on on the topic. I'll give it a shot. It's a good challenge too.)
Pass my Saturday exam
Pass my other exams (3/5)
KC / #C / FC a hb7.5+ at least until the beginning of next month.(might not sound like much but I HAVE been on a long brake from this.)
Whiten my teeth (I kept putting this off for some reason)
Restart my journey to becoming a DJ(I've toned it down a lot in a 3 year LTR , evidently).
Get a job in my domain. (I’m a IT Student , I'm 20 , second year of college.)
Find a new house to live in.(I've been living in this apartment for 1 year + and I'm so sick of it I can't wait to get out. I believe a good environment is important to success.)
Read "The definitive book on body language" (Something I've also been meaning to do for quite some time)
Invest and start my online Poker "Career". I don't plan on making huge $$ out of this , but I enjoy the game a lot.
Today I start all these goals.
All in all , I feel strong , willing and determined. I will not let my fears and weaknesses take over my life.
One more thing I’d like to share here before ending day 1.And all the credit for this goes to my best friend , T. All people I know do this stupid thing when they lose someone. You crank your speakers up and start listening to all the love songs in the world and cry your eyes out. Why do you do this ? Why do you torture yourselves ? Listen to love songs before you lose them. Dance with her , enjoy the moments of your happiness. You’re not hearing me, actually truly enjoy them. Break from the real world and ask yourself “If I died tomorrow what would I regret doing or not doing with this girl ?” and make it happen. It doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic . You might have a fantasy and want her to give you a BJ while you play video games. So go DO THAT! Carpe diem people. Seize the ****ing day.
After you lost her , songs won’t do ****. What’s done is done and guess what ? What is NOT done , is NOT. You did not have the balls to ask for that BJ while playing DoTa with your friends on skype ?GONE. You didn’t dance her when Whitney was strongly urging you to express your eternal love ? GONE. Gone ,gone ,gone.
Stop punishing yourselves and start learning from mistakes. It’s ok to grieve but why pointless torture ?
If you want music listen to something that will motivate you, wake you up and give you the edge. You’re already on your knees, so stop keeping yourself there.
Day 2.
M – masturbating.
P – Porn.
A’right. Honestly , this whole no fap thing is harder than I would’ve expected. I felt a constant need to watch porn throughout both today and yesterday. I felt like I ‘needed’ to have my orgasm . Seriously, this **** is nothing short of an addiction. You gotta understand that it has been a VERY long time since I went 2 days without M. I don’t even know if I went through 2 days without M since I started (11).
Anyway , I’ve noticed quite an exponential …growth. My workouts are going much better than before. I feel an increase in strength ,hunger , energy, endurance ,desire and overall determination. A slight increase in general awareness. A sense of domination in my look. I also feel more aggressive.
Now ,usually when I felt horny I just stacked some redtubez and got it over with. Knowing that it’s no longer an option my mind started taking matters into its own hands and began fantasizing about meeting some random stranger and having the wildest possible sex with her. This time it was different though. It had clarity. It felt more realistic and most importantly , achievable. An adrenaline rush would take over my body. I felt motivated to go out and meet people. To socialize.
No fap seems to help me get over my ex as well. Few days ago after masturbating ,for a few brief moments I felt like “**** it, I don’t need her. I’m doing just great.” Obviously that was just the 8 second extazy talking. I was trying to convince myself of the truth behind those words. 10 minutes later I would find myself in a state close to what some might call depression. Missing her, thinking about her , feeling lost…you know how it is.
None of that the past two days. The difference in my mindstate is huge. Yeah, I still miss her and occasionally think about her but there’s absolutely no self-pity involved. I went from “**** it blab la “ to genuinely being able to say “I hope she’s happy” and really mean it. For some reason my mind drifted to picturing her having sex with some rebound. I felt no void in my stomach , no devastating pain ,no incontrollable rage...nothing of the sort. I even laughed at the possibility thinking to myself “Good luck giving her an orgasm even half as intense as mine were”.
Day 3.
So , one of my girl friends told me that my ex is now in a relationship with the afc that has been shadowing her ever since our brakeup. (That’s how long I know of him anyway. Don’t really give a **** to be honest.)
I feel like I have won. I did not let it get to me. All this in 3 days of no-contact and heavy focus on self-improvement and how awesome my life shall become.
I’m tempted to lay a “See ,I told you so” on her in regards to the fact that I did tell her “I’m giving you 2 weeks until you’re in a relationship with the guy”. To which she strongly protested. “ Nooo , he’s just a friend”. I shall do no such thing however. I am faithful to my resolve. Two months of no contact .
That poor rebound…I do hope she won’t end up hurting herself even more , which is pretty much always these cases.
In comparison , I chose to focus on becoming that which I want to become. And this time I don’t just ‘kinda want it’. I REALLY want it. It’s all about ME now. I have a life perspective that finally revolves around me. I am now the center of my own universe , as it should have always been.
Other than this everything is going well. My masturbation obsession Is tuning down. I don’t feel that constant need so strongly anymore. First day was the worst. I do still feel the positive effects , I’m in full control and it’s freaking awesome. Workouts are going strong , my energy levels are constantly high. I wake up in the morning with a strong desire to start my new awesome day. I can’t believe how sad I was before when my only source of happiness was coming from this girl.
Going no contact is the best way of helping yourself. Trust me , I have tried other ways and regreted it painfully. Go for the 2 month NC. You won't be able to control everything though. Your friends' friend that has a friend with an aquaintance will sometime time tag her in a pic on FB. Not much you can do about that other than keep scrolling down.
Obviously I still have feelings , I still think about her every now and then. I'd lie to both you and myself by saying otherwise. I still miss her , but the pain is fading. I still get those huge spikes of adrenaline whenever I see her tagged in that facebook photo.These are good reality checks however. I realize that I'm by no means ready to re-initiate contact with her as just friends.
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