I think this is four-itis

[MisterAl]

I may have just experienced four-itis. This is the fixation on the four women that are or were your most recent prospects and thinking that they are the only women in the world. This causes you to panic, obsess and over-think your moves with any of them.

I caught a one-itis four days ago from a chick that rejected me. This spread and influenced the way I thought about the three other chicks I'm seeing because they've all been away traveling and out of contact and one of them is flaky. Heinous. Finally one called me tonight and I made new plans with her. Now it's three-itis? I am in bad form, but hiding it ok.

I want advice. People around me tell me that I should call this chick that brushed me off four days ago. I feel like, next. The story isn't complex:

She's 33, HB7 maybe. First date was great. She responded to kino and c+f and I kiss-closed. Second date she was cold. She turned her cheek on me when I kissed her, acted like a corpse when I had my arm around her. Called me "sweet" and "thoughtful." It was all wrong. My read is total disinterest. This is very straightforward to me. However, a few people have been poisoning my mind that I've overanalyzed this and that she was having a bad day or that she wasn't ready for me to get that friendly. I think that's horsesh!t.

Some of you say that guys next too easily. Now's your chance to convince me.

I may be completely nuts. After making plans with a chick tonight she seemed so enthusiastic that I starting worrying that she might want to get in a relationship and if I settled for her too soon I wouldn't get to date any new chicks. I know that my mind is mush now after my last ltr. But I also realize that this is exactly what the other girl was thinking about me.

 

[Vulpine]

If she's disinterested, then, stop calling her. She'll call you if she's interested. Meanwhile, replace that plate.

Have the people around you been to this site? Do they know what you (should) know? If not, then disregard any of their advice as "Hallmark Valentine's Day" crap. Go with what you KNOW, not what you hear from AFC's.

 

[d9930380]

Second dates are always the key - a girl will pretend to like you on the first, she's giving you a chance. But on the second, she won't pretend as she doesn't need to anymore - she will have already made her decision and she's just waiting for it to end. If you fail this you won't get a third but you won't loose anything by phone asking her out again. If she blows you off with I'm too busy or anything else then you where right.

BTW - I don't think guys "next" too easily, you only next a girl if you have the options open to you of actually having a next. We just say it because we know that it's not going to work and saying "next" puts us back in control but most guys here don't have that luxury. Most guys here like to pretend they are in control - even if it's only for the time they are on this forum ;-).

 

[Vulpine]

Notice that nowhere in my post did I mention "next". He can gauge her interest if he is seriously doubtful. If she never calls, then, he was right: she's not interested. If he grovels and begs for her to date him, then, well, we all know how that will work out. Maybe after two weeks he can call and say something like "What happened to YOU? YOU were supposed to call me." if he wants to try and regenerate some interest. The time off would probably work wonders. Perhaps she'll start chasing HIM.

He's the facking prize and SHE should be worried about HIS interest level. I am continually catching myself on the reverse end of this logic and have to remind myself to keep it together.

 

[d9930380]

Vulpine - I understand the point your making but if she is disinterested or on the fence then playing hard to get and all that prize nonsense won't help.

Not calling only works when you feel that you are in a powerful situation and you are punishing her or keeping her in a subordinate posiiton to you. That's when you know you are the prize. Knowing NOT Acting.

Asking a girl out again after a date isn't grovelling - your assuming it went well and proceeding as so. If it didn't then nothing you will do will help - she has already made up her mind. If she is on the fence then she will give you another chance, she won't go chasing.

 

[Vulpine]

Ok. I get that.

But careful, she may also be a "hobby dater". Rather than sitting her butt at home and reading a book and watching Lost, she goes out and leads guys on for entertainment. You have seen any episode of "Sex in the City", have you not? I'm not saying this is the case per se, it's just a possibility.

By not calling, he demonstrates that she is becoming "not worth the effort if the effort isn't reciprocated". It's her cue to get with it. If she isn't displaying interest, than he should find someone who will, period. He is wasting his time chasing someone on the fence, that chasing will drive her away versus get her off the fence. Wouldn't you agree? Perhaps he is too available and that's why she's losing interest, as demonstrated on the second date. There are any number of reasons why she's getting cold. By not calling, she's left to wonder what fun adventures he's on, who else he's with, and value adding things of that nature, see?

 

[Vulpine]

This was just posted in the "people being challenges" thread. I think it puts the right spin on what I'm trying to get across here:

If a man is a challenge to a girl, it subconsciously signals to the girl that he must presently have or has been with other girls that were on a similar level or better. If that is the case, it also signals to the girl that he must have other aspects of his life in order to have been with these girls in the first place. Your vocabulary and behavior tells everything about your place in society, including your past, and people will judge you for it. Alphas talk and act differently than betas. You can fake Alpha behavior until people eventually treat you as one.

Usually the Alpha/challenge behavior comes naturally and is reinforced throughout your life. This site endorses a 'fake it until you make it' approach (among other things). If you ACT like a challenge to a girl, she will think you are more valuable than you really are. Once you start faking it and eventually making it, the challenge behavior comes naturally because you actually are getting the girls and will naturally set high standards for yourself.

 

[MisterAl]

Thanks. FWIW, I caused the problem by not having challenge. I'm talking about a 2nd date two days after the 1st. It was a strategic error.

During date #1 Saturday she saw the flashes of distant fireworks on the horizon and told me all about how much she loves fireworks. Our town's fireworks were on Monday and happen once a year. Soooo, I threw challenge out the window and called her Sunday to set up fireworks on Monday. Her response on the phone was so enthusiastic I believed I had a win. I rationalized that fireworks would have higher value than being unavailable for a few more days. Tragic miscalculation.

I haven't called since. I don't see a reason not to call next week other than a third date will likely be a waste of my time and energy better spent on other women. She doesn't dislike me. In fact, she was impressed by the fireworks _date_ and my preparation, but not by me. The date ended with a cheek slide and a good-bye.

Two weeks ago my unavailability to a different woman seemed to be a turn-off. At the end of date #1 she asked me out again and suggested one of the next two days because she would be out of town afterward for a week. I told her no but we could meet as soon as she came back to town. She said that we didn't have to meet if I didn't want to. I reassured her then that I did want to see her, but I haven't heard from her again. Jury is still out because she's flaky.