i think the word "date" really scares me and changes how i act

[garruk]

i wouldnt say that im particularly shy around girls, being in college ive really gotten alot more confident talking to girls in general. however, theres still one thing that really gets my nerves wracking.

i hate going on dates. i really dont know why but i just do. i get nervous and i stumble with words and all sorts of things. i had a gf for awhile at the end of hs and into 1st year of college and obviously dates were no big deal. but since then, all my dates have been pretty lackluster, and i think its a self fullfilling prophecy.

for example, if im talking to a girl at a party or in class or something, itll be fine. but if i go to the effort of calling her and setting up a date, ill be so nervous on said date and to be honest ill probably even be nervous on the phone just because that phone call is leading up to a date. lol.

i think its because i put these expectations on myself to have a really great first date or soemhting. i dont know.

anyone care to offer some advice?

 

[ENIGMA16]

A lot of people feel like this. The reality is that you shouldn't be going on "dates". I've never really liked the idea of "dates" for two reasons: the first being that people get nervous, like yourself; the second being that dates aren't really a good policy, for lack of a better way of putting it.

Don't go on dates if they really bug you so much. What you should be doing is going where you want to go, and if you have a girl that you're interested then invite her to come with you. This way you're not setting up something where you're focusing on her, because when you set up a "date" as you are conceiving it you are making the whole event revolve around the concept of her, getting to know her, making sure she's having fun, etc...

On the other hand, when you frame it as doing what you want to do and that she is coming with then you are framing it as more self-oriented; it's more about what you want, then, and what you're doing, and so naturally you have the control. The woman then is an enhancement to your plans and consequently your life instead of having your plans/life revolve around her.

Next time you set up a "date" just be like "Hey I'm going to do xyz, come with me." If she doesn't want to come then do it anyways because you wanted to.

 

[garruk]

A lot of people feel like this. The reality is that you shouldn't be going on "dates". I've never really liked the idea of "dates" for two reasons: the first being that people get nervous, like yourself; the second being that dates aren't really a good policy, for lack of a better way of putting it.

Don't go on dates if they really bug you so much. What you should be doing is going where you want to go, and if you have a girl that you're interested then invite her to come with you. This way you're not setting up something where you're focusing on her, because when you set up a "date" as you are conceiving it you are making the whole event revolve around the concept of her, getting to know her, making sure she's having fun, etc...

On the other hand, when you frame it as doing what you want to do and that she is coming with then you are framing it as more self-oriented; it's more about what you want, then, and what you're doing, and so naturally you have the control. The woman then is an enhancement to your plans and consequently your life instead of having your plans/life revolve around her.

Next time you set up a "date" just be like "Hey I'm going to do xyz, come with me." If she doesn't want to come then do it anyways because you wanted to.

this is REALLY good advice. i acutally think that you hit the nail on the head. i proabbly get really nervous because on a date, the focus IS on the girl, impressing her and whatever which automatically places her on a pedastle.


my next question though is how does your conversation go into asking her to do something. For example, if im like "hey im going to watch this movie on wednesday, why dont you come with me?" its not like i would go to the movie alone.

whats a good example of an activity to ask her to do with me?

 

[ENIGMA16]

this is REALLY good advice. i acutally think that you hit the nail on the head. i proabbly get really nervous because on a date, the focus IS on the girl, impressing her and whatever which automatically places her on a pedastle.

Yeah I used to feel the exact same way.

my next question though is how does your conversation go into asking her to do something. For example, if im like "hey im going to watch this movie on wednesday, why dont you come with me?" its not like i would go to the movie alone.

I don't do the whole movie thing because it's a terrible idea to do with a girl IMO. If I'm going to go do something with someone then I'm going to want to do something social, and not sit and stare at a movie screen for two hours.

But if you really feel the need then just be like "There's this movie I wanna go see, why don't you come with me." Now you say that you wouldn't go see the movie alone, but if you ask her and she says no, then call up another girl, or call up another friend and see it anyways. What would you normally do if you wanted to go see a movie with a friend and they didn't want to go? You'd call up someone else and go anyways. This situation is exactly the same.

whats a good example of an activity to ask her to do with me?

Meals are really good to do, but you can really invite girls anywhere you're going. Hell, if you really want to make it not feel like a date, call her up and tell her you're going to Target and that she should come with. It won't feel like a date at all, which will take the pressure off, and will give you a whole store full of sh!t to joke around with her about. One time I went to Wal-Mart with this girl and she was totally into it.

You just have to remember that it doesn't matter what you do because the whole point of doing something with a girl is to let you two get to know each other, and to evaluate if you want to take it further. The entire concept of "formality" on dates is borne out of historical tradition and is essentially a dinosaur in this day and age; that is the reason that the traditional concept of "dates" is so stupid. You don't have to go on a "date" for a girl to get attracted to you and to take it to the next level; essentially every single interaction you have with women has potential for this.

So do whatever you want. Bring the girl with. Just remember that it's your life that shes being invited into. It's not about her; it's about you.

 

[thecurtainfalls]

JLay87 has got it EXACTLY right!!! Lots of my advice posts contain the exact same message.

I have said time and time again that you are SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT if you frame the interaction as a "date" in advance. It sucks out the spontaneity, puts pressure on you, puts pressure on her, and funnels the whole thing into this antiquated ritual that is unbelievably stifling to your game. Trust me on this, I went on dozens of useless "dates" in my AFC days and then wondered why I got friendzoned or rejected. Sometimes a "date" would turn into something good or we'd hook up, but I guarantee it was in spite of the evening, not because of it. In those cases I was simply lucky/the girl's IL was unbreakably high.

Do things that you would already want to do, and invite the girl to come with. This is great for so many reasons, not the least of which that you are LEADING the interaction and bringing her into YOUR frame, instead of pedestaling her as has been mentioned already. Stay far, far away from the movie/dinner combo unless you have really solid game and know how to grab the frame the right way.

I urge anyone reading this to go back over JLay87's posts above, because they describe the absolute best mindset to have when you're first getting to know a girl. What he's describing has been extensively field tested and is BY FAR the best way to get to know a new girl and eliminate awkwardness when the time comes to escalate.