I think its over.....

[Pancho]

As some of you may know, Ive been seeing this girl for more than a year, and shes a really great girl. She does a lot for me, shes a great cook, shes fairly hot, and she seems, by all standards, a perfect girl (i.e. one that most guys would be hard pressed to complain about).

Yet, Im going to dump her.

I dont even really know myself why. Part of it, I think, is that she wants to get married (within 4 years she says) and eventually wants to have kids (three at least). The thought of marriage makes me sick, and when i think about having kids, my stomach cramps and I feel like sh1tting and puking at the same time. I have just moved into a new apartment, and I feel freer then ever, but I feel like Im being tied down with her. ITs been long distance for awhile, and for awhile she has lived here. But now she has sacraficed living in a town she doesnt want to do her co-op....I.e. shes i living her for the next fourth months, so she can be with me.

And I can think of nothing but dumping her.

I feel hesistant to do it, because i have had really strong feelings in the past. REALLY STONG. However, lately, I just dont care. I look at her and all my feelings for her seem to have disappeared. Within the span of a couple of days, I completely lost my feelings for her. Frankly, it scares me. Shes done nothing to deserve these loss of feelings.

So Im going to dump her when she gets back in about a week. The thing is, shes going to a wedding with me on THE DAY SHE COMES BACK. She has been looking forward to this day for a long time.

What do you guys think of all this. I need some honest advice...should I break up with her HOURS before this wedding, or should I not. Should I maybe stick it out a little...im thinking, if I can so completely change my opinion, maybe i will change back. I feel concerned...

Pancho

 

[NMMWCR]

It's been 11 years...

I had spent the best two years of my life with a truly extraordinary woman. She really was my ideal. No such thing as a HB10? She was a HB9.999999999 then. The first time I saw her, she literally made me sweat. She was friend, lover, and partner in everything. She wanted to get married and have a big family...6 or more children. I was 19 and the thought scared the ever loving sh1t out of me. So I broke it off with her.

Eleven years later, I really don't think a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about her at least once. Every single last girl I've been with for eleven years, I think about how they don't measure up. Eleven years later, if I close my eyes, I can still smell her hair. Eleven years later, I know that I'll always love a woman I can't have back.

Is this going to be you if you next this girl?

If there really are no feelings there, next.

If she really is the "perfect girl" don't fvck it up over your cold feet. You'll regret it for a long time.

 

[ZeeOwl]

I think you know exactly why you feel like dumping her. You've spelled it out in plain English. She want's a certain type of relationship, and you want something completely different. Your relationship goals don't match. I don't see any other solution to this. For you two to stay together, one of you would have to give up your goals.

I'd wait until after the wedding to tell her though. Even if this will likely make the news a little harder to take for her (she will have her fairy-tale dreams upped a notch by the wedding). But telling her before would be worst, IMHO. The initial shock might be a bit less, but she'll feel like crap when she's at the wedding.

 

[WaterTiger]

...A female point of view...

I don't know the girl or how she reacts to things but this is what I think you should do if you plan to sever the ties.

Break up with her AFTER the wedding. Tell her the wedding got you thinking. You aren't ready to settle down & have kids at this time. Since SHE IS, you're letting her go find a man she can do that with. Tell her you are not what she's looking for.

Expect tears, screaming, sobbing and begging. Be calm, firm but kind. (Also expect a smack or a shove. Be ready to sidestep, NEVER STEP BACKWARDS. Always to the side like a boxer.) Keep repeating that it's over. Don't let her drag you into a verbal insult match.

You're making a tough decision Pancho, I wish you the best of luck with it.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Well---to modify WaterTiger's advice a little---talk to her after the wedding (make sure effect of it has worn off, so the ride home doesn't count...) but don't break up just yet.

Talk first.

Tell her that you know what she wants, explain the space you're in and that the pressure and expectations are driving you postal.

Let her respond. If this is a LTR you're in, you owe her that. And it gives a shot at "working it through" that NMMWCR maybe didn't have..

..and I know about that girl 10 years ago who nobody else measures up to...it sucks, IMO...if only you could now go back and take the dumbshyt you were in hand and explain a few things.

And "working it through" doesn't mean that you all talk and make it right. There may be no making it right and you both decide to break up. That's a work through.

Or she understands and makes allowances. That's a working through.

Or she's given a fair chance to state her needs and desires and either stays with you or leaves. Either way, she'll always deeply respect and appreciate your giving her a fair chance (if this is a LTR in progress...)

Maybe you'll come around in 3 years, maybe not (btw---by way of self-disclosure, marriage was completely out of the question for me until after I turned 31---since then, I don't object to it, I just require a compelling reason. Haven't found one--or the person--just yet. Came close a few times...)

If she's a great girl and you care for her, and it's a LTR so far--give it a fair hearing. Don't arbitrarily decide just yet. I think--this is key, here--that the pressure may be coloring your perception here. If you talk, you may find she releases a lot of the pressure and the relationship gets better.

Or maybe not. Give it a shot.

 

[STR8UP]

Originally posted by NMMWCR
If she really is the "perfect girl" don't fvck it up over your cold feet. You'll regret it for a long time.

On the other hand........

If you stay with her you will be SORRY. It's a NO WIN situation.

I had the "perfect" girl as well. Looks, personality, brains, ambition, the works. The only problem- I decided I didn't want her. Go figure.

Maybe it wasn't the right time in my life. Maybe my intuition knew something my mind and heart didn't. Whatever the case, we weren't meant to be together at that point in time.

If she were to look me up tomorrow I would drop everything to see if we have a chance today, but I don't regret our breakup.

This is one of those things that require you to suck it up and go with your gut feeling. It's gonna kill you to do it. But the other option (staying with her) is much worse. YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY.

BTW....don't dump her before the wedding.

 

[Pancho]

Thanks for all your replys....

What i am gonna do is really think before i dump her. We will go to the wedding, and I think im gonna give it a little time (couple of weeks). If i still feel the same way, then i let her loose. Am i going to change my mind...i doubt it, but I figure she is worth the try.

Pancho

 

[myfriendblu]

Dump that bitc h. Your hella smart for not wanting kids either. Your reward for not having kids? A boatload of more time,money and energy, as well as better health, for yourself. Good choice.

I read some stastic some where that showed for EACH kid a man has, his risk of heart disease goes up like 15 percent or something. I gotta dig that up......

 

[dietzcoi]

Blu is right - I should know with 3 teenagers and an ex-wife.

If you do not want to do it, don't be talked into it. I could be retired right now and living on the riveria if I had never married and had kids.

THink about it

Dietzcoi

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
Blu is right - I should know with 3 teenagers and an ex-wife.

If you do not want to do it, don't be talked into it. I could be retired right now and living on the riveria if I had never married and had kids.

THink about it

Dietzcoi

You're right about that part. I would be too (except I'd prefer Tahiti). I just feel sorry for your kids...

 

[sustainable007]

Next her

1. Dump her
2. Date other women
3. Forget about her
4. Theres something you are not telling us...There has to be a reason she is doing this....Are you acting AFC? Perhaps giving her control in certain situations?

 

[Pancho]

UPDATE

Its over...i broke up with her tonight. I feel so bad...it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. She took it well, she knew it probably wouldn't last, she told told me....but she was good about it. It was painful for both of us, but neither of us broke down, we hugged and kissed before she left. I feel really sad right now...I am sitting here, wondering if I did the right thing...deep down knowing I did do the right thing and, that, in my heart, I wasn't ready to give her what she needed. She told me some things....she thought I was too unemotional and distant, that theres some things in my past I need to work out, that she was sad that she probably wouldn't be the girl to be around when I did finally grow up and could really be loving. She told me...that both of us should see how things go for awhile....shes gonna call me in about a month to see how Im doing.

I won't be dating for awhile I dont think...at least a month. There's some things I need to discuss with myself..maybe she had a point, I dont know *sigh*

Im sorry if I dont make sense...she just left, its 3 am, and I just feel like I need to write down some things....

I better go before I write something i will regret.

Pancho

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Been, done, t-shirt.

Originally posted by Pancho
Its over...i broke up with her tonight. I feel so bad...it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. She took it well, she knew it probably wouldn't last, she told told me....but she was good about it. It was painful for both of us, but neither of us broke down, we hugged and kissed before she left. I feel really sad right now...I am sitting here, wondering if I did the right thing...deep down knowing I did do the right thing and, that, in my heart, I wasn't ready to give her what she needed. She told me some things....she thought I was too unemotional and distant, that theres some things in my past I need to work out, that she was sad that she probably wouldn't be the girl to be around when I did finally grow up and could really be loving. She told me...that both of us should see how things go for awhile....shes gonna call me in about a month to see how Im doing.

I won't be dating for awhile I dont think...at least a month. There's some things I need to discuss with myself..maybe she had a point, I dont know *sigh*

No - she didn't have a point! She saw you as being "too unemotional and distant" precisely because you were thinking about this breakup, nothing else.

You did the right thing, I can tell from your post - you're in the exact frame of mind I was when I split with my last LTR who was in love with me, and whom I loved deeply. You can get over it. Be strong. Look up previous posts about guys recovering (see a jnallen started thread from about 2 months back).

Hit the gym & work hard. Don't give yourself time to think.

Don't date, but if you wanna go out and get some pu$$y, go hit a ONS or 2 - will help get over (did for me).

 

[ZeeOwl]

Re: UPDATE

Originally posted by Pancho
Its over...i broke up with her tonight. I feel so bad...it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

I think you did the only thing that you could to save yourself from even more pain later. And lots of fights with her...

She told me some things....she thought I was too unemotional and distant, that theres some things in my past I need to work out, that she was sad that she probably wouldn't be the girl to be around when I did finally grow up and could really be loving.

She's trying to protect her ego. Nobody likes getting dumped. It hurts. So she's rationalizing what happened by convincing herself that this situation is all your fault. That way, she doesn't feel as bad (or thinks she doesn't). Don't let her get to you this way. This is no more your fault than her's. You don't want the same things, that's all. And this type of behavior show's that she has some growing up to do. Basically, she's telling herself that a mature man would give her what she wants. Screwy female logic. And the nerve of her saying you don't love her. It's obvious to me just reading your first post, and I've never met you. If it's not to her, in your physical presence, then she's got some bats in her belfry. Sure, you're not perfect. But do you really believe she is? I hope not, for your sake... Read my "Testing 1...2...3..." thread for another example of this mechanism at work.

She told me...that both of us should see how things go for awhile....shes gonna call me in about a month to see how Im doing.

Translation: She's hoping you'll change your mind. Don't, unless you want to become her little puppy dog.