I think I have a bad case of One-itis...

[Colossus]

Ok so I'll try to keep this brief, but first some background info:

I've been seeing this girl for exactly 6 months. This has been my longest relationship. I'm 25, she is almost 22. We met in school through the pre-med club. We both want to go to medical school, but she will be there before me because she started school earlier. We were very attracted to each other from day one...she is an 8.5-9, many guys would love to bang her. She is very smart, down to earth, and pragmatic. She is a very low-maitenance girl, which is what initially attracted me to her. I have very strong feelings for her, which have grown since the beginning of our realtionship.

However, she has her thorns. She is what "The Unknown Don" would consider a non-dateable. We started having problems a few months into our relationship because of her impossible schedule. On top of a heavy workload for her senior year, she does research, plays intramural sports, tutors, snowmobiles, works 25 hrs a week, etc. These are all legitimate and she had most of these commitments before we started dating. Once this semester started, things got much worse. Her labwork increased threefold, deadlines got closer, and her chaotic life pretty much took over. I cant count how many times I have been blown off or put aside because of these things. On top of this she is not the best communicator; she would blow off a planned hangout time and not tell me why until the next day, which is of course agonizing for me. Long story short, we have broken up twice for these reasons, and right now we are sort of in "seeing each other, but not official" status. The main problems that have catalyzed my woes are these:

-Poor communication (on her part)
-Incompatible schedules
-Emotional unavailibility (again on her part)

Now let me state that we have had awesome times together--when we have the time and things are lining up emotionally, we have an awesome relationship. But I have become so entwined with her, feelings-wise, that I have had my heart broken repeatedly. I didnt hear from her for the past week...she went out of town and left her cell, unbeknownst to me, and with no lack of shame I can say that I have been a depressed wreck. We pseudo-broke up before she left, leaving things in the above-mentioned limbo status, but for the love of God I cannot seem to get over her. Ive been hurt repeatedly, yet I keep forgiving and forgiving. I dont feel in my gut that she is a cheater, and I do know that she too has feelings to a degree, but she is reluctant to give in completely, based on the uncertain nature of our academic future.

As Im writing this I realize how ridiculous it sounds. In fact, I will admit to breaking many a DJ Rule in pursuit of her. I could probably honestly tell her that I love her, but thank God I havent let that slip my lips thus far. I have always talked to other girls throughout our relationship, but Ive never really pursued anyone else.

We had a good talk today, nothing heavy, and of course we ended up kissing for awhile. All those feelings I was trying to leave came rushing back. I know I've got the bug, but I cant shake it. She is the first girl Ive felt this way about. I realize that it is very unlikely to work out in the long-term, but I keep clinging to this thread of idealistic hope, and I dont know what to do. All I know is I want to be with her, but I step back and look at the damage it has done and find myself in that proverbial rock and a hard place.

Thoughtful takes or related experiences would be appreciated.

 

[ER!C L!VE]

and right now we are sort of in "seeing each other, but not official" status. Thoughtful takes or related experiences would be appreciated.

Right now, she's hanging out with you, until she finds another guy. It's very tough for men and women to terminate a relationship and go without each other cold turkey. So to ease the trasition, you remain 'friends' who kiss every once in a while and sometimes have sex. Eventually, she or you will find another partner (like Tarzan swinging to another vine). Girl's don't like to let go of their current vine, unless they have a firm grasp on the next vine.

I know you're hoping it'll turn back into what it was, but the chances are VERY slim she'll change her feelings. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm telling you my experience.

 

[DJDamage]

There is always time.

Her priority is school work and not you. That right there should tell you how she feels about you.

I once knew this girl "friend" who later became my oneitis in college. She also was buzy with projects and stuff but her BOYFRIEND at the time was BUZIER and had less time to see her. How did her boyfriend handle it? HE RAN THE SHOW!!. This girl was dropping everything to accomadate her boyfriend schedule, she even pulled out of a group project giving a lame excuse that she was sick but to me she confided with her own words "I barley see my boyfriend as it is so i have to see him or I might lose the relationship". Her high interest in him and the fear of losing him are two main factors that had her wrapped around his finger. Sounds to me like you have none of those.

Go date other women! NEXT!!!

DjDamage

 

[Colossus]

Girl's don't like to let go of their current vine, unless they have a firm grasp on the next vine.

Thats a good point. It's like serial monogamy, sort of. Maybe that's what we are both doing. It's tough because we see each other at school. "Out of sight, out of mind" should be my break up mantra.

 

[legolas]

Oneitis really is easy to get over. All I had to do, was make a decision at one point in time that I wasn't going to give this chick as much free brain time as I had. It wasn't even a big decision. I made up my mind, said THAT'S IT, told my friend, and that really was it. It worked wonderfully, I don't obsess about her anymore.

By the way I don't agree with DJDamage. I would never put any girl in front of schoolwork no matter how much I loved her and I wouldn't expect her to do the same. That said, she'd better show me love when I see her in order for me to be like a number 2 priority.

 

[driver55]

Re-read

Read eric lives reply one more time and let it sink in. He is 110% correct. This is my experience as well. Only a matter of time before that other vine is firm in her grasp. Enjoy the sex while you can (I reccommend you make it hate inspired, it may release some tension in yourself). Or cut your losses now. Your choice, depending on how mentally/emotional capable you are of dealing with the two options. Good luck.

 

[juanita]

Right now, she's hanging out with you, until she finds another guy. It's very tough for men and women to terminate a relationship and go without each other cold turkey. So to ease the trasition, you remain 'friends' who kiss every once in a while and sometimes have sex. Eventually, she or you will find another partner (like Tarzan swinging to another vine). Girl's don't like to let go of their current vine, unless they have a firm grasp on the next vine.

I know you're hoping it'll turn back into what it was, but the chances are VERY slim she'll change her feelings. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm telling you my experience.

this is so very true. maybe u print this quote and put it near your computer. i know i would be acting the way your girl is acting if i were just hanging out with a guy before i find another. and it is true if a girl likes u very much u would become the first priority and there will be nothing she can cancel in order to be with u. it seems like your relations are done with her

 

[Heretolearn]

Good posts but to shed the other side.

It should not matter what SHE is into. What are you into? If it is just her, then get a life man! If you have a life and she compliments it, then chill out and understand her situation and flow.

I am NOT saying take what you can get. You are NEVER a beggar unless you dress yourself up like one. I am saying that if you live your life and can enjoy the time you have with her than great. If not, then you should move on.

She will not change unless she wants to. I.e, career orientated will stay that way.

 

[Cruise]

"Just throw caution to the wind
You and a friend
Can Jump over a Bridge
And If you live?
Do it again..." -Eminem

 

[DJDamage]

By the way I don't agree with DJDamage. I would never put any girl in front of schoolwork no matter how much I loved her and I wouldn't expect her to do the same.

I never said anywhere in my post that you should put any girl in front of your schoolwork, that will be foolish.

All I said is that there is always time. Just like this girl can manage her time to study, she can also find time for her man. If she has a high interest in her man and fear of losing him then she will MAKE THE TIME to see him by sacrificing some time of her school work and her friends. She will study harder just so she can make the time to see her man.

When women are in love with their men they will sacrifice alot of things for them. When they are not in love then their man become's a convenience in which case it is just a matter of time before she drops him for another man.

DjDamage

 

[Desdinova]

One-itis isn't called "one-itis" when you're in a relationship. It's called "love". There's no shame with being in love when you're in a relationship.

One-itis is called "one-itis" when she's not returning any affection. One-itis is a one-way street.

Now that I got that off my chest...

All the hurt, frustration, stress, and confusion is going to continue because you keep doing this:

We had a good talk today, nothing heavy, and of course we ended up kissing for awhile.

A wound will never heal if you continue to pick at the scab. As long as you decide to remain in contact with her and pursue her, you'll continue to be frustrated and hurt.

Now, onto the reasons you should ditch her:

- I cant count how many times I have been blown off or put aside because of these things.

- she would blow off a planned hangout time and not tell me why until the next day, which is of course agonizing for me.

- I didnt hear from her for the past week...she went out of town and left her cell, unbeknownst to me, and with no lack of shame I can say that I have been a depressed wreck.

If you were extremely important to her, she'd at least make a quick phone call to let you know how she's doing, why she can't make it on a date, and if she's going to be away from the phone for an extended period of time. Since she's not giving a damn about your time and feelings, she's showing that she really doesn't give a 5hit about you. A good woman should add happiness to your life, not take it away. This gf of yours is NOT a good woman.

There is also a good chance she is trying to blow you off. Women will try and be as nice as possible when blowing a "good guy" off. One of my most memorable ones was a girl I dated for over a month. I called her up and tried to make date plans. She told me "I'm busy. In fact, I'll be busy for the next two weeks." I told her "Well, when you're finished being busy, give me a ring" and I never called her again. I continued dating the other girl I was seeing.

Women will pull at any available excuse to avoid telling you the truth and hurting your feelings. They'll use their busy schedule, their need for independance, their desire to be alone, and even their sexual preference to avoid telling you that they're not attracted to you.

In summary, cut all contact with her and move on.

 

[Colossus]

All I said is that there is always time. Just like this girl can manage her time to study, she can also find time for her man. If she has a high interest in her man and fear of losing him then she will MAKE THE TIME to see him by sacrificing some time of her school work and her friends. She will study harder just so she can make the time to see her man.DjDamage

...And she has done this in the past, even recently. There have been many times she has blown off schoolwork for a few hours to come over and romp or just hang out. But school generally takes top priority, and frankly I wouldnt blow off important work on a regular basis either. I used to give her the "make the time" speech alot, but I've sort of changed my tune on that. If it came down to putting either a relationship or schoolwork on the back burner, which would hurt me more in the long run? School, of course.

I would really like to agree with Yendor28, but Im afraid Desdinova and the others are right. This is very unlikely to work out in the long term, and I think the truth is we are just seeing each other non-commitally until the semester is over and we go our separate ways for the summer.

Last night we hung out for a bit, per her initiative, and I wont go into detail as you all can guess what happened.

I hate making decisions like this. I would probably tell another guy the same things said here if I were analyzing his situation from the outside, but it's hard to see the forest when you're in the trees, as they say.

 

[Skel]

Sorry couldnt read your entire post because it was too long. Actually reminds me of my sister, funny huh? Anyways if you really have to type that much about a girl its most likely not working out or something close to that. Dump her and move on

 

[SoCalMike]

sounds to me like she wants you around when she needs sex or at least a little male affection in the form of making out... but that's about it. Obviously she doesn't give two sh*ts about you man, if she blows you off, doesn't tell you she's leaving for extended periods, etc. So if she doesn't care about you, why do you care about her? Just view her as an occasional lay while you pursue other women.

And seriously bro, you need to man up a bit. I not trying to be mean, but you sound a little pathetic with all this "She leaves for a week w/o notice and i'm devastated" BS. It's JUST A GIRL. There are plenty of other options.

 

[Colossus]

And seriously bro, you need to man up a bit. I not trying to be mean, but you sound a little pathetic with all this "She leaves for a week w/o notice and i'm devastated" BS. It's JUST A GIRL. There are plenty of other options.

Actually, I knew she was leaving. We talked on the phone before she left, and she said she would call when she got there. There was no reason for me to think she wouldnt--we were on fairly good terms. So after a few days I dont hear from her, I leave her a brief message and didnt see her again until she got back. She explained the situation, a family emergency, and why she didnt call.

I'll admit I got way too bent out of shape about the ordeal, but I would'nt say I was devastated.

 

[speedo_meme]

I've been in your situation and actually that same girl is what brought me to sosuave.com. I NEVER got over my oneitis until I had other girls. We'd break up and get back together so many times, then I just said f*ck it and went out with another girl I had met. Well, me and the new girl are still together today and I can hardly remember what my ex looks like, it's been 6 months now....

I suggest you do the same. This "relationship" of yours is OVER. Cold hard truth. Hate to sound that way but I can honestly say I've been through it and I know how to get over it, hence the previous paragraph.

 

[Desdinova]

Actually, I knew she was leaving. We talked on the phone before she left, and she said she would call when she got there. There was no reason for me to think she wouldnt--we were on fairly good terms. So after a few days I dont hear from her, I leave her a brief message and didnt see her again until she got back.

In other words, she left you to think that she was killed in an accident during the trip. Yeah, that's a good woman.

This is a sign that she really doesn't give a damn about your feelings. Quit making excuses for her lack of commitment. Family emergency my ass. She failed to keep you informed of HER safety. Would you consider it acceptable if you were married, and she fvcked off for two days without letting you know where she was going? Then, when she gets back, she says "Oh, I went for a drive."

 

[resilient]

Here's a nugget of wisdom from the Pook-alike blog:

Negotiation is irrelevant
Breaking up with a women must be done decisively and quickly - negotiation with her is irrelevent. A prolonged breakup will only be exhausting to you, from observations I have seen with my friends. I always broke up with women quickly and decisively -- yes, they will cry, moan, lament, beg you to take them back, but if you do, realize she is going to be more of manipulative biatch than before under the guise of being grateful you took her back --- so she can get you back for initiating the breakup in the first place. Women cannot stand not being in control of a relationship, so, in order to appease her superiority complex and controlling nature, she needs to convince you she is worth you not breaking up with, while in the meantime she is scheming for your replacement and will eventually break up with you later on when that replacement has been found --- so she can feel in control and superior to you in that "he was just not meeting my needs as a woman".

If it's true from what you said and what others are saying she's currently fishing and is leaving you now on the backburner. So, if I were you; do a coup de' grace before you force her to.

 

[Colossus]

In other words, she left you to think that she was killed in an accident during the trip. Yeah, that's a good woman.

This is a sign that she really doesn't give a damn about your feelings. Quit making excuses for her lack of commitment. Family emergency my ass. She failed to keep you informed of HER safety. Would you consider it acceptable if you were married, and she fvcked off for two days without letting you know where she was going? Then, when she gets back, she says "Oh, I went for a drive."

The family emergency was legit, I knew about it before she left. Also we had called off the relationship a few days earlier, so she was under no obligation to call. That doesnt change the fact that she could have called if she really cared, even if she did leave her cell like she claimed. Granted, there were extenuating circumstances, but a phone call was not impossible. At this point it's irrelevant and there's no point in poring over the particulars.

I could easily keep her around as an f-buddy...when she got back she let me plant my rod in places previously off-limits ...but I'm debating even that option at this point.

It's impossible to convey all the nuances of someone's character and a given relationship in a forum post...but I got the general themes across and I think you're right. She does'nt give a sh!t about my feelings, so why should I give a sh!t about hers?

 

[speedo_meme]

The family emergency was legit, I knew about it before she left. Also we had called off the relationship a few days earlier, so she was under no obligation to call. That doesnt change the fact that she could have called if she really cared, even if she did leave her cell like she claimed. Granted, there were extenuating circumstances, but a phone call was not impossible. At this point it's irrelevant and there's no point in poring over the particulars.

I could easily keep her around as an f-buddy...when she got back she let me plant my rod in places previously off-limits ...but I'm debating even that option at this point.

It's impossible to convey all the nuances of someone's character and a given relationship in a forum post...but I got the general themes across and I think you're right. She does'nt give a sh!t about my feelings, so why should I give a sh!t about hers?

Stop rationalizing for her. You are getting defensive with some of these posts on here. You know what you have to do, but you don't want to do it. I know how that feels.

Do NOT use her as a f-buddy, as you will continue to reel over her if you do. If you ONLY wanted that, chances are she'd be the one tripping over you. Personally, I fukked my ex ONE last time, made it good, and nutted all over her, got up and walked out. That may not be the nice thing to do, but it gave me peace of mind...