I think I discovered not even my female friends really cared I was a "nice guy" or "good" ex boyfriend.

[OngBak]

Yes, our therapist called her out multiple times for her behavior and what she was doing to the relationship, her answer even was "I'm this way, and its his problem if he doesn't like it, I'm not gonna change." And stupid me of course accepted it.

I actually have a psych degree, so if she really said that, it's the kind of thing that would raise a flag for a therapist too, not just me. Couples therapy also has a pretty mixed track record in general a lot of therapists will or sometimes wont tell you it works best as damage control, not prevention. Personally, I wouldn't go that route. I'd focus on setting the frame early in the relationship instead: make communication a clear priority from the start, and show her concretely how it benefits both of you and ultimately the relationship. That kind of groundwork tends to matter a lot more than trying to fix things after they've already broken down.

 

[OngBak]

Your EX is the classical avoidant type which a lot of women are, they take, take take and never give back and once you set boundaries or hold them accountable, they flee

You learned your lesson and we all been there I know I have, but one thing I want you to internalize is this. NEVER PUT A WOMAN IN A POSTION WHERE YOU DOING EVERYTHING AND YOU DON'T HAVE A FAIL SAFE. You were paying all the bills but didn't have enough for yourself I'm pretty sure once she left your money got better but never do this unless the woman is your wife or child

Thats not an avoidant though, it gets pretty often confused with avoidant but in reality it isn't.

 

[Clockwerk50]

I've never been a fan of couples counseling, I don't know of any instances where it's been effective. I don't know, some guys here are advocates of counseling, so I guess YMMV.

I went to couples counseling once. It was after, as I've mentioned before, I had accumulated a significant amount of credit card debt without my partner at the time knowing about it. The way the counselor explained it to us was that the original foundation of the relationship had already been built. The purpose of counseling wasn't to restore that original foundation, but to build a new one on top of it: one based on new boundaries, routines, trust, responsibilities, and expectations.

The problem is that both parties have to want to rebuild the relationship. However, the person who was wronged and had their heart broken will often have a long list of new terms, conditions, and concessions. Meanwhile, the person who did the wrongdoing will have to give up a great deal of their own freedom, comfort, or habits just to begin the healing process.

I've only done superficial research on couples therapy, but one of the main studies I found indicated that 78% of couples therapy cases (roughly three out of four) are initiated by women. Likewise, around 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Those statistics alone don't establish who benefits more from counseling or who is at fault in any given relationship, but they can help explain why Rollo's Rule 7 states, "Time and effort are always better spent pursuing fresh prospects than trying to fix a failed relationship." If rebuilding the relationship requires starting over from scratch, it becomes easier to argue that men, in particular, may be better off not attempting to rebuild it at all, but instead investing that same time and effort into a new relationship.