Hey all, long time, first time here. I'm a 31 year old african american male, 240 lbs. 5'10. I don't consider a bad looking guy by "ordinary" standards. I have a few problems that I need to finally buckle down and address. The other "love" and "is she the one?" dating websites and forums are too sugarcoating to be of any help at all. I need to be hit straight up because I'm not getting any younger here and my behavior has to stop. So I finally decided to post here due to the great advice I've witnessed.
First of all and probably the most embarassing is the fact that I have never kissed a girl......never. I've never even reached any Second or Third base with a woman because I have never or currently had a girlfriend or any female friends for that matter. I don't know, I have NEVER been able to attract a woman, There is something I'm doing that repulses one. If I knew what it was, I would stop. So it's not as easy as asking "Well, What do you think you are doing wrong?" Another thing about me that might help you understand is that I am in no way attracted to african american females. It doesn't matter how pretty they may look. That is due to the constant abuse I've endured during my school years by them. For the past few years, I've reluctantly accepted the fact that I might have become a misogynist. One thing I've never talked about openly was the fact that I was often bullied (more emotonally than physically) most of my K-12 school years by girls especially black ones. Everytime I'd ask one out or felt the need to get to know a girl, I'd get ridiculed severely. I would have to say that I was pretty popular in school, but not in a good way which I will get into next.
During my freshman year of high school. You see, I had discovered masturbation around that time and I did so every chance I got. Maybe 2-3 times a day...and to this day. Anyway, there was one time when I was at home alone so I decided to masturbate to some porn I had accquired, I apparantly was "in the moment" because I didn't hear my sister come up from behind me and screamed "No you are NOT jacking off!" and runs out my bedroom door laughing hysterically. I knew I was a deadman come school the next day and my fears were not unfounded as I took the worst emotional beating I've had yet, I think I've heard every "jack off" joke ever created. By the time my 7th hour class had rolled around I had already snapped. A girl named "Janae" who had been a thorn in my ass for my entire school career up to that point decided to walk past me as she headed to the back of the classroom to take her seat and brush a bit of her hair gel on my shoulder and shouted out that I had leftover semen on my shoulder. Everyone of course laughed, I snapped and hurled my geometry book as hard as I could at her head. It hit her across the bridge of her nose (I later bound out that I had horribly broken it) but that wasn't enough for me. I dashed after her to hopefully snap her neck but I was rushed and taked down by every student in back of the classroom. No girl (or most guys) from that point on in high school would come near me. The day followed me around until graduation. I denied it for a while but I accepted the fact later on that I think I actually was going to try and kill her. And that really scares me. I deeply regret what I did.
College was uneventful, although I went to a few parties and did the social scene I tried to be as outgoing as I could get. No woman would say anything more than "hello" or "no thanks" or something alone that line of BS.
Fast foward 10 years to February '06. I had become a bit of a recluse with my 5 or 6 computers, video games, cartoons, books or anything the mainstream female (*****) would deem one a "loser" My life had become, go to work, come home, play games/internet, sleep. repeat. I've turned to those hobbies to supress the depression I fall into daily. I've developed anxiety problems toward women, especially attractive ones I literally start shaking, stumble words (if I can even speak.) and the whole works. In March, I met a very nice woman named "Amber" at work, She was the niceest woman I'd ever met. it took me a few weeks to get the nerve to try again and even interact with a woman let alone her. After briefly talking to her every day for week (we work opposite shifts), I get up the nerve to ask for her number. It comes to no surpise that I was shot down. So I give her mine. Two weeks later, to my suprise. She calls!! We talk for about 4 hours and the 2 weeks following we go out to breakfast once and we have a few good conversations over the phone. Probaly the most fun I've had in some time. Unfortunately and suddenly as it always is with me, good things don't last.
In mid April I call her up one morning after she gets off work and she seemed kind of annoyed by something and quite a bit distant. After 5 minutes of one word answers I finally got tired of it and finally asked if anything was wrong and if I could help. She gave me some BS about me always calling her and using up her day minutes. Well me being the way I am, I quickly apologize and offer to call me at a later time. I have not heard from her since. I've called and called and gotten nothing but her freakin cell phone voice mailbox. She never calls back. She also now goes to work a half hour later to avoid seeing me as I'm leaving out. Today, I still have no clue what I did to cause this, it's very depressing and sad. To the few male friends I have, I begun berating women, hating on their signifigant others. Their girlfriends/wives never did like me and like me even less now. It's to the point that they don't want their husbands/boyfriends hanging out with me. Every time I see a happy couple I want to spit and insult HER and not the guy she's with, that's the sad part. Am I going crazy? Can this be fixed at all? Thanks for reading guys.
First of all and probably the most embarassing is the fact that I have never kissed a girl......never. I've never even reached any Second or Third base with a woman because I have never or currently had a girlfriend or any female friends for that matter. I don't know, I have NEVER been able to attract a woman, There is something I'm doing that repulses one. If I knew what it was, I would stop. So it's not as easy as asking "Well, What do you think you are doing wrong?" Another thing about me that might help you understand is that I am in no way attracted to african american females. It doesn't matter how pretty they may look. That is due to the constant abuse I've endured during my school years by them. For the past few years, I've reluctantly accepted the fact that I might have become a misogynist. One thing I've never talked about openly was the fact that I was often bullied (more emotonally than physically) most of my K-12 school years by girls especially black ones. Everytime I'd ask one out or felt the need to get to know a girl, I'd get ridiculed severely. I would have to say that I was pretty popular in school, but not in a good way which I will get into next.
During my freshman year of high school. You see, I had discovered masturbation around that time and I did so every chance I got. Maybe 2-3 times a day...and to this day. Anyway, there was one time when I was at home alone so I decided to masturbate to some porn I had accquired, I apparantly was "in the moment" because I didn't hear my sister come up from behind me and screamed "No you are NOT jacking off!" and runs out my bedroom door laughing hysterically. I knew I was a deadman come school the next day and my fears were not unfounded as I took the worst emotional beating I've had yet, I think I've heard every "jack off" joke ever created. By the time my 7th hour class had rolled around I had already snapped. A girl named "Janae" who had been a thorn in my ass for my entire school career up to that point decided to walk past me as she headed to the back of the classroom to take her seat and brush a bit of her hair gel on my shoulder and shouted out that I had leftover semen on my shoulder. Everyone of course laughed, I snapped and hurled my geometry book as hard as I could at her head. It hit her across the bridge of her nose (I later bound out that I had horribly broken it) but that wasn't enough for me. I dashed after her to hopefully snap her neck but I was rushed and taked down by every student in back of the classroom. No girl (or most guys) from that point on in high school would come near me. The day followed me around until graduation. I denied it for a while but I accepted the fact later on that I think I actually was going to try and kill her. And that really scares me. I deeply regret what I did.
College was uneventful, although I went to a few parties and did the social scene I tried to be as outgoing as I could get. No woman would say anything more than "hello" or "no thanks" or something alone that line of BS.
Fast foward 10 years to February '06. I had become a bit of a recluse with my 5 or 6 computers, video games, cartoons, books or anything the mainstream female (*****) would deem one a "loser" My life had become, go to work, come home, play games/internet, sleep. repeat. I've turned to those hobbies to supress the depression I fall into daily. I've developed anxiety problems toward women, especially attractive ones I literally start shaking, stumble words (if I can even speak.) and the whole works. In March, I met a very nice woman named "Amber" at work, She was the niceest woman I'd ever met. it took me a few weeks to get the nerve to try again and even interact with a woman let alone her. After briefly talking to her every day for week (we work opposite shifts), I get up the nerve to ask for her number. It comes to no surpise that I was shot down. So I give her mine. Two weeks later, to my suprise. She calls!! We talk for about 4 hours and the 2 weeks following we go out to breakfast once and we have a few good conversations over the phone. Probaly the most fun I've had in some time. Unfortunately and suddenly as it always is with me, good things don't last.
In mid April I call her up one morning after she gets off work and she seemed kind of annoyed by something and quite a bit distant. After 5 minutes of one word answers I finally got tired of it and finally asked if anything was wrong and if I could help. She gave me some BS about me always calling her and using up her day minutes. Well me being the way I am, I quickly apologize and offer to call me at a later time. I have not heard from her since. I've called and called and gotten nothing but her freakin cell phone voice mailbox. She never calls back. She also now goes to work a half hour later to avoid seeing me as I'm leaving out. Today, I still have no clue what I did to cause this, it's very depressing and sad. To the few male friends I have, I begun berating women, hating on their signifigant others. Their girlfriends/wives never did like me and like me even less now. It's to the point that they don't want their husbands/boyfriends hanging out with me. Every time I see a happy couple I want to spit and insult HER and not the guy she's with, that's the sad part. Am I going crazy? Can this be fixed at all? Thanks for reading guys.
