I sense a disturbance in the bro code, friend does not. Thoughts?

[SandHawk]

I need to hear what my other DJs are thinking about this because I have the feel that I'm in my right here. Story's not terribly long, but is relevant to the context in my opinion.

Last week I went with one of my mates to a festival and afterwards ended up with a bunch of people back at my place, including the girl that I am dating. This girl isn't just a plate, she's a girl I'm actually seriously dating for a change.

My mate met this girl for about 2 hours before the after-party was over and I took the girl into my bedroom and had sex with her. She left early in the morning. During the week I noticed that he had added her on Facebook and on friday while I was at her place, I saw that he was texting her.

Now, I'm not really the jealous type, but I told my friend it was highly inappropriate and even a potential violation of the bro code that he was texting the girl I am dating seriously and with whom he has NO business texting. If they had a friendship or known each other longer, fine, be my guest.

I told him that because I feel I am in my right to tell him to stop that sh*t right now. Hell, even yesterday. He doesn't see a problem, and it's just innocent texting, nothing serious. But am I that weird to say that you just do not text the girl one of your best friends is dating after you met her once for a really short period?

 

[Die Hard]

My mate met this girl for about 2 hours before the after-party was over

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Your friend was at the after-party for a period of 2 hours and those two hours are the only time he has seen this girl? So what was he doing with her during these two hours? Did he spend a lot of time with her, did he kino her while they were talking?

Anyhow, what your friend is doing would be unnacceptable to me, he's going too far. He's obviously interested in her... But you should also consider the following: Perhaps she's interested in him as well? Does the texting only get initiated by him and does she just respond, or does she initiate contact as well?

You should deal with your friend, he can't do this, it's not okay. But even if he admits his fault and ends the texting and all that is solved... You still have focus on her part! Look, if you're dating a girl and she thinks it's okay to frequently have contact with one of your friends, "just for fun", then she's disrespecting you. I would call her out on it and if she gets defensive about it and won't admit that her behavior is wrong, I'd forget about her... She might still be okay as a F-buddy then, but nothing more!

I'm curious, have you read any of the texts or have an idea what they say to each other through the texts?

 

[d!ckmojo]

You're in the right dude, and your friend is in the wrong, (and possibly your gf is in the wrong too, as Die Hard states), but unfortunately you cannot deal with it by just saying "back off".

Because the only key victory that can be won is a psychological victory, not a physical victory. If you prevent them from having sex with each other, but in their minds they want to, then you are the loser in that situation.

And there is no more sure fire way to cause people to have feelings for each other than to make them feel like they shouldn't. Its psychology, the forbidden fruit. Because its taboo and off-limits, it makes them yearn for it harder than if you just didn't care about it.

I don't know what the right approach in this situation is, but somehow you have to make it seem like your sexual value is very high, and that all other women would die for a chance to have the sort of relationship with you that your current gf enjoys. Once that conception is in place, your gf wouldn't dare do anything to jeopardize the lucky situation she found herself in, and she would then either ignore your friend, or else use him as a tool to ingratiate herself closer to you, i.e. she wants to be friends with your friends so its harder for you to dump her.

Jealousy the the attraction killer. I have suffered intense jealousy myself in the past, so I know from experience. The first priority you must always maintain is indifference and haughty ambivelence to your competition, even a smidgeon of condescending pity perhaps.

 

[SandHawk]

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Your friend was at the after-party for a period of 2 hours and those two hours are the only time he has seen this girl? So what was he doing with her during these two hours? Did he spend a lot of time with her, did he kino her while they were talking?

Anyhow, what your friend is doing would be unnacceptable to me, he's going too far. He's obviously interested in her... But you should also consider the following: Perhaps she's interested in him as well? Does the texting only get initiated by him and does she just respond, or does she initiate contact as well?

You should deal with your friend, he can't do this, it's not okay. But even if he admits his fault and ends the texting and all that is solved... You still have focus on her part! Look, if you're dating a girl and she thinks it's okay to frequently have contact with one of your friends, "just for fun", then she's disrespecting you. I would call her out on it and if she gets defensive about it and won't admit that her behavior is wrong, I'd forget about her... She might still be okay as a F-buddy then, but nothing more!

I'm curious, have you read any of the texts or have an idea what they say to each other through the texts?

Yes, he has only met her for 2 hours. I doubt he is very interested in her. She's older than he is, he is currently back with his ex-girlfriend. At the party he was mostly bouncing all over the place due to an amount of XTC in his system. Making tea, attempting to bake cake. Girl spent 90% of the time on my lap curled up to me.

I'm nothing too worried about her interest in him either. It's just that I believe the crossed boundaries that are sacred among brethren and he is unable to accept that he crossed my boundaries. Because that's my point: Even if he believes that it is acceptable, if I believe it is not, that's what should be final. If my boundaries are not respected, it's not friendship.

 

[Die Hard]

I doubt he is very interested in her.

I'm nothing too worried about her interest in him either.

The wish is father to the thought... You're being naive. Boy meets girl @ party, boy texts girl afterwards. Most of the time, this means he's interested. For fvck's sake, it means they exchanged numbers! Now why the hell do a guy and chick exchange numbers?

I think you got quite attached to this girl and as a result, you don't want it to be true. So that's what you try to convince yourself: no worries, everything is fine...

Look at the bullish!t excuses you're making up for yourself! He's back with his ex... Lol, so that means he wouldn't fvck another girl if he got the chance? And she's older than him... Wow, that's a convincing argument! Coz surely a guy would NEVER fvck a woman who's older then him, huh?

A small child who sees something frightening, will put its hands in front of its eyes, as if that makes it go away... It seems you're applying the same tactic here.

Don't be afraid to confront reality, whatever it may hold. Subsequently, don't be afraid to act accordingly, whether it means you have to let go of a girl, end a friendship or WHATEVER.

 

[LE6END]

Die Hard is right. If you honestly believe the two aren't interested in each other, you're being blatantly naive. Your friend added her on facebook, and began texting her.

hmm....

Seems quite an effort for someone he carries no feelings for... Why go through the trouble of building communication ( social network interaction, number exchanges) with someone you haven't the slightest interest in?

Furthermore, if he really wasn't interested in her, why be difficult towards your request to leave her alone? If you'd ask me to remove my association from a girl you held admiration for, easily I'd oblige... He, conversely, seems to be giving you quite the work.

To your credit, you're in the right, unarguably. I wouldn't accept what he's doing. But, as previous posters postulated would have you fall into a larger concern, the girl is, in no way, innocent either. Provided she really likes you, if asked to cease communication, she shouldn't have a problem doing so--- you're reasoning for asking her to isn't difficult to understand at all.

 

[Alle_Gory]

Your friend has little respect for you.

 

[satelliteparties]

Was in a similar situation a couple years ago, only not as intense. Went out with a few friends and the girl I was dating. My friend was flirting with her blatantly (he's not an alpha or PUA type, but still), then messages her on myspace. Luckily, she had no interest in him and told me "Oh your friend messaged me on myspace and asked if I had a good time"...the thing about myspace as opposed to facebook is that he knew I wouldn't see it on myspace. If he had added her on facebook, it would have showed up as a newsfeed and I would have known.

So that tells me he was trying to make a move and be secretive...even if just throwing a "feeler" out there and seeing if she would be interested back.

Only recently did I reconcile with him, and he denied (which is bs on his part) that he was interested in her. I told him, "you mean to tell me if she had put moves on you, you wouldn't have reciprocated" and he said "Only if it was ok with you or you didn't exist." (Complete bs.)

This is why I keep my women prospects to me and myself only. I have a few male friends, but no close male friends other than my brother, where no girl would come between us. If I were dating a girl he found attractive, he'd simply find someone else, and vice versa.

It's kind of interesting actually...my "friend" was everything you'd want in a friend...there for me during tough times...then I date a hot girl and all of a sudden he's jealous and competitive.

 

[Upside]

SandHawk,

In my experience a vast majority of guys will ignore any unwritten rule of the bro code when there is a pu55y involved. You would think friends would be hands off. You would thinks friends wouldn't cheat with your girl. You would think friends wouldn't add her on FB after just ONE meeting or grab her number. But they do and it's all too common. If he is not listening to you after your attempts to tell him back off a bit, then you might want to rethink your relationship with your pal. Not saying to stop being friends with him, but just kind of put him on the back burner until he can truly prove he is worthy and capable of being a true friend.

And he's lying to you. If he has no inkling of interest whatsoever he would not go through great lengths of texting, facebooking, and then DEFENDING his actions. Seems to me he has no plans of stopping any time soon.

IMO, this is moving to quick for any kind of legit friendship. It's like he wants to put himself on her radar. If they knew each other for a few months through you and then started to do all this that is one thing, but one meet up? Fishy to me.

 

[KingofHearts]

op, I haven't posted in months but everyone here is missing a crucial point. Your girl is doing you a favor with her actions here. So is your friend. Of course you'll have to let it play out. But I don't see this going any other way other than you needing to cut both of these people out of your life. Unless you keep your head in the sand, you'll see that your girl isn't all that committed to you. They both lack respect for you, regardless of what either person's intent is. At the very least, there's some boundary issues and you'll childish for even bringing it up. At worst, your girl is already cheating on you or about to.

A girl that's committed to you would feel awkward about talking to other guys. What good could they possibly be talking about?

 

[ENIGMA16]

I had a somewhat similar situation recently. A new-ish friend of mine (started hanging out about a year ago) added this girl I was fvcking on Facebook. My other friend (whom I've known since middle school) was going out with her best friend. He tells me that new friend was blowing up her phone and they were texting back and forth a ton, and found this out through his girlfriend.

I confront new friend about it and he says that he only talked to her a few times over FB, which I know is a lie. I didn't start ****, but I don't hang out with him anymore (unless we're with mutual friends). The girl I didn't do anything special with - if I was dating her I would've dumped her, but since I was just fvcking her I didn't really care.

I'll still introduce this guy to girls I'm seeing if he's around because I'm really not threatened by him, it was just a sh!tty thing of him to do and he lost my friendship because of it (and he didn't even get anything out of it hahahaha).

I'm nothing too worried about her interest in him either. It's just that I believe the crossed boundaries that are sacred among brethren and he is unable to accept that he crossed my boundaries. Because that's my point: Even if he believes that it is acceptable, if I believe it is not, that's what should be final. If my boundaries are not respected, it's not friendship.

As for this, it depends on the friend, really. I have some friends that I'm so close with that they wouldn't care if I did this to them and I wouldn't care if they did it to me simply because I know for 100% certainty that they're not going to betray me. Every single time, though, it's common bro-code courtesy to ask or at least let you know they're doing this. So it depends on your relationship with your friend. Guy code isn't black and white.

 

[typical]

Your friend has little respect for you.

This and the old statement of "All's fair in Love and War" pops into mind also reminds me about a few of the "Laws of Power".

You need to start to exercise a few of those laws bro. Some guys respect their friends enough to stay away from their women others lack this type of honour. The people that lack these types of simple truths and honours I don't call my friend.

Think about it you could let them text away then one day they WILL hook up and you will be left out in the cold one way or another feeling bitter. Or you put your foot down on both of them and even though it seems like the best option you will still look like the looser and might drive them closer together.

Your best option is to tell your mate you don't appreciate him giving your gf/fiance/wife that type of attention (if he's doing it today with your gf tommorow it will be your fiance and then wife), and that he should pull his act together or you will put the hurt down on him. Then tell your gf that if she wants to be your gf/fiance/wife (depending if this happens again in your life) then she has to put you at option 1 and forget about other guys otherwise your out and will replace her quickly.

Now for the CRUNCH, no matter what you do or say both your friend and current gf have shown that they are low quality people (he can't be a man hence going back to his ex and she can't commit to one man without trying to create attraction from another man in this case your friend) and no matter what you do they will tell each other that your being a prick about things.

As a dj you shouldn't put up with either cut them both and move on. To be a true man you have to make the hard choices and stand by them and if others can't or will not understand then too bad.

 

[f283000]

You have a tough situation here. Gotta remember that a woman will go with whoever she sees as the alpha male of a group. In this group there's you and him. You could have her 1 minute but if a more aggressive male pursues her she will leave you cold and swing to him.

Obviously he has some interest in her and is putting himself "in her radar" like someone mentioned earlier. He is creating interest and attraction in her.

Her willingness to go along shows she probably has doubts about you (and i would take that as disrespect towards you as well) and could be willing to swing to a more aggressive male (him) any day now.

Frankly from all the situations I read like this in this forum it's almost inevitable sorry to say brother that they will end up hooking up sooner or later (if they haven't already).

In my experience a vast majority of guys will ignore any unwritten rule of the bro code when there is a pu55y involved. You would think friends would be hands off. You would thinks friends wouldn't cheat with your girl. You would think friends wouldn't add her on FB after just ONE meeting or grab her number. But they do and it's all too common. If he is not listening to you after your attempts to tell him back off a bit, then you might want to rethink your relationship with your pal. Not saying to stop being friends with him, but just kind of put him on the back burner until he can truly prove he is worthy and capable of being a true friend.

Any friend that is willing to destroy your friendship over a woman is not really a true friend. So in a way you have to be thankful when life exposes fake friends to you so you can in turn remove them from your life rather than having fakers around you.

 

[Bible_Belt]

You have to have the attitude of 'oh that b!tch? You can have her.'

The other tactic that will help is telling your girl about how much your friend likes her. You two can laugh at him together. It's a powerful thing.

 

[loveshogun]

How close are you with your "bro?"

Have you saved him from a fire? Has he done the same for you?

Forget about the principles for a moment and look at practicality. Who is worth more to you? This guy, who has a dubious sense of social sensitivity and empathy? Or this girl, whom you may not end up dating longer than _____?

Ask yourself these questions - codes and principles are only worth as much as the people holding them up. You'll find your answer when you can sort all this out yourself.

So far, you're doing a good job keeping yourself from over-analyzing. Just think about what's important to you, and act.

A sh*tty situation all around, in my opinion.

 

[pdx1138]

fvck that.

If any friend of mine did that, he'd get the axe.

I've been in that situation twice where a friends girl was after me and tempted as I was, I NEVER obliged her.
I also told my friend what she was up to.

Anyone who chooses to go there, friendship be damned, is a rat.

 

[CantTouchMyStyle]

NEXT them both

 

[Alle_Gory]

Also, he's no longer your friend. He made the choice (then defended that poor choice with very obvious bullsh*t) and shown himself to be a rat like pdx1138 just mentioned.

It's your choice whether you want to keep him around so he can repeat this mistake more often.

 

[Tesl]

The other tactic that will help is telling your girl about how much your friend likes her. You two can laugh at him together. It's a powerful thing.

This is the choice I'd make everytime.

Also, if you aren't close, then axe him completely. The issue isn't that he's texting her, it's that he's continuing to after you have spoken to him about it. He's made his choice right there, he's not your friend.

 

[5string]

By her actions, she's already cheated on you. Next her.

As for your loser friend, next him as well. Fvckin rat.