I Need Mature Advice

[Jerry Maguire]

I have a hard time putting my feelings into words, but here goes:

It used to be set in stone what becoming a man meant, but in these days, becoming a man -and, more importantly, finding happiness- is subject to relativism and interpretation.

I don't know whether it was Higher Philosophy that ****ed me up and opened me up to scepticism, or just society, but I can simply not see myself being happy by conventional reasons. The usual suggestions thrown at such posts are; exercise, get a job, get friends.
As for the first two, they have not made me happy, and the third suggestion is a work in progress. The social circle I tried to get in was full of emo posers, and ultimately, not the kind of people I'd like to be around. I'm really socially anxious so I'm getting a psychologist.

I'm 18, and inbetween high school in University. I only have a few months left for me to "find myself" and be happy before I have to face university, which will present its own problems.

Some of the questions I'm trying to answer are;
Will improving peoples' perceptions of me really make me happy?

How can I make my life feel worthwhile? At the moment I feel like I'm waking up just to go back to sleep in another 16 hours.

When I can't trust people (because let's face it, nobody can be trusted completely) how can I have healthy relationships without distancing myself?

What's better, experiencing a mix of happy and sadness (eg. the Tony Robbins path) or peace (the Eckhart Tolle path)?

What can make me happy? (Either advise how to find it within myself or offer things to do/ideals to adopt)


Guys, I really need help, so don't flame and please help as fully as possible. Your words may make the difference between a happy and an unhappy life.

 

[ElChoclo]

Look Jerry, you've posed a tough one. I've read all sorts of motivation books. But I must say, they never really worked for me. Take the positive thinking theory. If you've been thinking bad things for 20 years, how come you're supposedly able to reverse it with a couple of days positive thinking? Clearly the theory implies that positive thoughts work more powerfully than negative ones, yet the theory always emphasizes the devastating effects of bad thinking.

But to answer your questions;

1 When people think more highly of you, they treat you better. So do you think getting treated better will improve your life.
2 You need a goal to improve your life. Just about any one will do.
3 You don't trust the bus driver too much do you if he is a stranger, but you let him drive you somewhere at the risk of him not being a good driver and crashing and killing you. Assess risk but you still must take it.
4 You will have to take the good with the bad.
5 Figure out what you want first, then figure out how to get it. See 2, (standard Anthony Robbins I would think)

 

[Bible_Belt]

Yeah, you're only 18; there's no rush. "Finding yourself" is a lifelong endeavor, which is further complicated by the way in which we are all constantly changing. Give yourself time. It is a journey not a destination. Every guy thinks they're grown up at 18; I was no different. But you still have much to see and do before you expect so much out of yourself.

What is fun to you? What interests you? What do you want to learn about? Everyone will answer these questions differently. Find something that interests you and pursue it - a goal, a cause, a hobby, whatever. Be passionate about something.

 

[zergkiller]

The measure of a man.

Hello Jerry.

I don't respond much on this site, but you've asked a serious question and given the impression that you're genuine, so here goes:

For one thing, "being happy" as a life goal is juvenile. So many people think that life's goal lies in that direction. So, if school doesn’t make you happy, you quit. If the woman doesn’t make you happy, you dump her, and I guess if life doesn’t make you happy, you bail.

Here are some higher goals: Victory. Demonstrated tenacity. Accomplishment. Attainment. Certainty of your own knowledge on a subject. The acquired skill of being positive and absolutely certain or your answers to things. (Not some pseudo – psychology, constantly euphoric definition of positivity.) You know…stuff like that.

With this concept as a background, your questions shake out thusly:

Will improving peoples' perceptions of me really make me happy? Who cares? Develop yourself until you know you’re right. A good university can teach you this, but there are other ways to learn it. Don’t bother working on illusory goals like perception. You can’t really improve a rusty car by simply painting over the damage. You must be the one who is real in spite of everyone else.

How can I make my life feel worthwhile? I hate to say it, but in the general sense of things, life has no purpose whatsoever. It just happens. When your own personal life becomes the subject, that’s entirely different. Find the deepest, living passion inside of you and become whatever that demands of you. Once you’ve done that one time, you can look for the options that will come from your victory.

At the moment I feel like I'm waking up just to go back to sleep in another 16 hours. The simplest answer to this may be that you are tired. When I was 26, I left the US and lived on the street in France for seven years. For the first year and a half, I would sleep at least 12 hours per day. The stress of high school, and the part of college I had achieved had completely exhausted me. I didn’t know it. There are studies coming out now that show that the typical high school graduate is suffering from sleep deprivation. Young people may require as much as ten hours of sleep per day. Seven isn’t nearly enough.

When I can't trust people (because let's face it, nobody can be trusted completely) how can I have healthy relationships without distancing myself? You can't. I’m not being cynical here, but the vast majority of people are flakes. The most certain characteristic of people is that they are not trustworthy. Never trust anyone totally. Not even your Mom. It’s all about you. If you are totally trustworthy, you’ve taken it to the limit. Develop this characteristic until you are certain of yourself, then set another goal and work in that direction. Your current set of friends will drop away from you, and your next set will be more trustworthy.

What's better, experiencing a mix of happy and sadness (eg. the Tony Robbins path) or peace (the Eckhart Tolle path)? A good way to make a name for yourself is to publish drivel. People are so confused today they will believe anything. Whoever told you that you could control the entire universe got your money and your lunch. Find the stone inside yourself and deal with what’s outside as it occurs. Those are problems enough! LOL!

What can make me happy? (Either advise how to find it within myself or offer things to do/ideals to adopt) Happiness is transient. It occurs sometimes, like the first time you got off the roller coaster and realized you were still alive after all. Being content with your own behavior and accomplishments without any serious regrets should take care of you as a life project.

As far as the underlying question “What does it mean to be a man?”, there isn’t any one answer. But the question isn’t totally vacuous either. Consider a male who’s been in combat and seen his own behavior. Terrified, blood spattered, the brains of his closest friend on his pants and yet still firing at the enemy and generally taking care of business. Think of him. The measure of a man is how he deals with stress. To know that you still behave rationally when absolute bloody hell rains down on your head can only show you your path through the world. With something like that in your past, you don’t get too stressed out if your Volvo has a flat tire one day.