I need help: slipping back into bpd spell

[dangdang]

A little back story...

A couple years ago, I was living with a woman, and met a (who I have now discovered/believe is BPD) another woman while out with the boys. Didnt think much of it, but I was getting bored at home and things were getting stale.

A little engagement on both ends lead to us seeing each other while out somewhere else shortly thereafter. Friends ditched me, so she gave me a ride. We ended up talking all night, had an amazing time and connection, and I was baffled that I met a chick so cool. We even made comments like, "what are you my sister, we have soooo much in common and the same past life experiences."

Of course this sent me home questioning my existing relationship, and now it seemed REALLY dull and boring. Long story short, I continued both, and things got more serious with the new chick. It was bliss, and eventually I moved out and pursued.

Everything was great for about a month. Now that new girl has me all to herself, and she was no longer the "side girl" (which she previously complained about, but I now know kept things between us in check) **** started to get a little out of hand. Emotional outbursts, arguing and fights over non existent petty things, basically just a general turmoil on the surface that would keep regular happiness at bay.

I did we'll for a while, as I'm fairly laid back. However, something was causing there to be this constant small amount of daily stress to build. I really had no idea what was happening at the time, and did not spot the critical shifts and red flags happening. This chick seemed like someone I could build a life with, and that even came up in our conversations.

Aaaaaand downhill from there.

Fast forward a couple years to today, I feel like an addict that's relapsed like 40 ****ing times. Seriously.

I went through phases in the past where I'd feel addicted to this chick... As in, emotionally and physically, I was not in daily homeostasis if things weren't going well between us. I'd get sick of it, knowing in my gut that this was not healthy, and tell her to **** off.

Fake preggo scares, ridiculous emergency situations, hard times (apparently I LOVE to rescue a mother ****er), stability swings, and on and on.

My personality tends to favor getting over fights quickly, and forgive after short time periods. This would lead to guilt, then I'd miss her or she'd miss me, and before you know it we're back at it again. That has happened so many times, the memories are like a whirlwind and I don't know which way is up.

Point being, there's been a few times where I questioned my own sanity, but I know in my heart I'm a good fellow, and that this **** is not healthy. It's also not normal... I know in my gut that something is wrong.

I've done a lot of reading and educating myself, and what I think is happening now is that I'm easily hoovered and way to forgiving. I didnt even know what "hoovered" was until recently. ****ing bananas. I was raised by all women, my father has lived in another country for over 20 years, and I'm learning I get gratification by unhealthy means perhaps. (Doing for others, "being there" for a god damn damsel, rescuing, etc...)

So, I feel like I'm in a conundrum at the moment. I'm now more educated about what's going on, but that is not stopping me from making the same mistakes. I feel bored/dull with regular chicks, and really do GET something from this toxic ****. It's like a drug or something, a spike in adrenaline if you will. I know it's bad, but just can't let go. It's beginning to eat me up inside, because I basically am developing no self respect if I continue this path, consciously knowing what is happening now.

I still care/love/am addicted/need/want/whatever this chick and its becoming apparent I shouldn't. I know it's unhealthy, but part of me likes it anyway. (That is ****ing weird by itself!) This is hard for me to admit, but my history has proven it. It's funny, you read other people's threads and make quick assessments of how they should be reacting, but when it's your own situation it's like you can't reach the door handle and step outside.

I know for a fact I'd never want to wife her up, but i cant seem to let go of her. We've had arguments in the past where afterward, i feel like id have to be legally insane to speak to her again but somehow I do. I like having steady girls on rotation, but this one I can't seem to phase out. Its like the others dont even compare, or I get fed something from this one I cant replace. Although she isnt even hot anymore. Shes let herself go, mid 30's now, and also the single mom bs. I've tried reestablishing respect with this woman, thinking that she can also change and we'd have a ball like we used to, but basically she will fight or argue at any cost. (I'm leaving a ton of history out, but this would be 2 pages long if not) Things can be going great and then, BAM full on ****ing craziness. Then on the flipside, the next week things will be going well and she'll shower me with i love you texts and constant adoration, to the point where its annoying and unnatural. Its like a god damn roller coaster, and I hate coasters! What gives?

I don't really know what to do now, and feel stuck.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Before you get pages of judgment and condemnation as replies, let me tell you, I'm going through the same thing. I don't judge you one bit, because I know exactly what you are going through.

If I had any advice, it would be to make yourself an expert about borderline personality disorder. It is very poorly understood, even by mental health professionals. When you understand the disorder, you start to get 'seeing the matrix' moments where you realize why she is acting like she is. Even if you don't end up with her, being a bpd expert will help you spot the disorder in future girls.

 

[Lateralus]

You might want to read this: http://www.gettinbetter.com/

Especially this one:
http://www.sharischreiber.com/anycost.html

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

yeah dude, I'd be willing to bet that half the guys on here have been involved with a BPD at some point in their past. I'm sure it's a primary reason that drives people to this site. I knew of a guy that had a secret room he rented out at some other guys house, nothing in it but a bed and a dresser. It was his domicile when his BPD chick was acting up. He'd just take off and stay there for the night. I guess that's one way of dealing with it, but not something I'd recommend. There are healthy chicks out there, your life will be better with one of those.

 

[Three]

I second all of the above. BPD ex-wife, etc. Been there, done that. I totally understand the pull. The only thing that helps is quitting that shit cold turkey, going completely ghost. Only time and distance will help you to overcome the distortion field these monsters project. They suck you into their vortex and you are damn lucky to escape with your life.

I learned a lot from the getting better site mentioned above. Read it and understand it and stay away from this vampire!

 

[WoodB]

And I too, have been in two similar situations, but I have managed to go mostly cold turkey on them. However,I drank too much booze to ease the searing pain. My women were not full blown BPD, but perhaps touched by it. Either way, they get under your skin the way perhaps heroine does. Your entire sytem gets drawn to them like moth towards fire. I read that your brain produces dopamine when you f^^ck them and you crave it afterwards. It really sucks. Talking about it, reading about it, staying fit, spending time with friends and family helped me. Time, fortitude, prayer, and the constant affirmation that you deserve better will get you through.

 

[ludis]

My take is that we should all thank our Cluster B for the valuable gift of supplying us with priceless knowledge of precisely what to avoid in a woman or even a friend.

Assuming that one has more or less succesfully cut the cord from this dance of death, he is -or should be- now armed with the discipline required to emotionally detach from almost any situation, and has gained more trust about his own gut feelings (i still have a hard time believing how intensely my gut went berserk in the presence of this woman-child).

Spending quality time with yourself and spinning plates or even a single one is essential to overcoming the fallout.

I'm at the 3rd week of NC with my ex of 7 months and the hoovering attempts are just beggining. She is now declaring that it is impossible for her to not see me again, blah blah, they are so predictable i almost feel pity.

 

[KASHMIR73]

Yep!!

I second all of the above. BPD ex-wife, etc. Been there, done that. I totally understand the pull. The only thing that helps is quitting that shit cold turkey, going completely ghost. Only time and distance will help you to overcome the distortion field these monsters project. They suck you into their vortex and you are damn lucky to escape with your life.

I learned a lot from the getting better site mentioned above. Read it and understand it and stay away from this vampire!

You nailed it Brah! It is so much easier said than done though, For strong hearted men only, The rest?? Well, a great life lesson is at your fingertips, I learned so much from my experience with a BPD woman, About myself especially!!, It is astonishing and painful to the bone to engage and in horror actually fall in love with one,, Now your trapped, And getting out relatively intact, makes you THE BOSS!! of and in that frightful, painful, Game!!

 

[KASHMIR73]

Oh how well played my friend

My take is that we should all thank our Cluster B for the valuable gift of supplying us with priceless knowledge of precisely what to avoid in a woman or even a friend.

Assuming that one has more or less succesfully cut the cord from this dance of death, he is -or should be- now armed with the discipline required to emotionally detach from almost any situation, and has gained more trust about his own gut feelings (i still have a hard time believing how intensely my gut went berserk in the presence of this woman-child).

Spending quality time with yourself and spinning plates or even a single one is essential to overcoming the fallout.

I'm at the 3rd week of NC with my ex of 7 months and the hoovering attempts are just beggining. She is now declaring that it is impossible for her to not see me again, blah blah, they are so predictable i almost feel pity.

OUTSTANDING COMMENT!! Well said and complete...You are now a professor of broken hearted Remission, Redemption, Remorse, Re evaluation and Emotional Revelation................A Phoenix you are!!
When all said and done if you can clear your heart and head, You hopefully will see you have been given and realize the "Gift" of the Borderline...
Congratulations! Sir Ludis................
You are now granted a Knighthood, in the Right hood
Just (since it has been a relatively short NC time) Be ye prepared for the inevitable Hoover's, as you are already experiencing, They do suck....She won't change, no matter what her vow's to do so are seemingly genuine, Her very sense of being alive and survival hinges on continuing the front, you fell in love with, and what her friends "THINK" she truly is, But if you get too close, and she truly feels love for you, Then she will panic, doubt your love, Insist you constantly profess it and prove it, 4 years I experienced this, Insanely thinking she will get better as she said time and time again she is trying, But to no avail much to my detriment, Did you notice she is incapable of or is reluctant to expressing or saying "I love you" Very seldom?, Even though she IS capable of loving, She is immensely afraid of it, No matter how high functioning and successful and how great she presents herself to others and in public, It is YOU! EWhjo has the problem, In her self protecting world, YOU are the one who is blamed for EVERYTHING that is a problem, She detests herself, bottom line, and cannot accept she is lovable, You chase,, she retreats, You retreat, she chases, INSANITY, Pure and, not so simple, then you will be pushed away a little closer,??? You can (as I was) become so stressed and distracted by this toxic paradigm, that you can literally die, I am (a 45 year) experienced firearm expert, Yet the stress and dysfunctional distraction's were so great, , And after sparring with her by phone yet again, I was so inattentive and distracted, I was cleaning one of my pistols and I accidentally put a .40 cal hollow point through my right femur, Almost died, I have a 10 inch titanium bar in my right femur now, and miraculously healed incredibly well, I sometimes say now to some women, I have a 10 inch rod in my pants,Then a routine stress test (nuclear) type, since a treadmill stress test due to my shattered femur negated a treadmill type, I was told the results indicated I had a mild stress related Heart attack at some point during my tumultuous relationship, I am fine now,(relatively speaking) yet I was almost, loved? literally TO DEATH!!! She is, what she is, and can she be to blame? IDK, Nobody knows, It just is what it is and that is (not so simply)...That!!
Most men (and women sometimes) say run for your life from these types, Again, not as simple as that, but YES! RUN, Your very life depends on it, And the stress can also lower your immune system so much that you will be much more open to a greater possibility of malady's and affliction's, such as a heart attack, cancer, etc etc,, Seriously!! Look it up. Take care of YOU! And many blessings and much higher wisdom may you acquire my friend

 

[KASHMIR73]

yeah dude, I'd be willing to bet that half the guys on here have been involved with a BPD at some point in their past. I'm sure it's a primary reason that drives people to this site. I knew of a guy that had a secret room he rented out at some other guys house, nothing in it but a bed and a dresser. It was his domicile when his BPD chick was acting up. He'd just take off and stay there for the night. I guess that's one way of dealing with it, but not something I'd recommend. There are healthy chicks out there, your life will be better with one of those.

I'd be betting it's more than half, Getting better site is very frank and to the point, Schreiber's site is great, Believe me, I have visited them ALL, researching BPD obsessively for a year and a half thereabouts, But THIS SITE!! is the best for to the point, from a man to man interaction, as ONLY men can relate, has done me the most good of ALL the sites etc I have visited, Thanks so much fella's!!! <3

 

[youngmack]

Going through mines right now. Trying to keep my head up

 

[feeltheflow]

Same here going through one recently ended realtion.

 

[Paintballguy]

I firmly believe that certain people have an innate draw to Cluster B women myself included. BPD chicks tend to be hot, ultra feminine, really good in bed and can be emotionally detached. That combination can be incredibly tempting between the great sex and challenge of winning her over even if you know in the back of your head that is impossible. Personally, I have a bad habit of getting with Cluster Bs. The best thing to do is just cut them off cold turkey. Just the smallest conversation can end up hanging out with them again.

 

[5string]

Read this

http://gettinbetter.com/anycost.html

 

[feeltheflow]

I firmly believe that certain people have an innate draw to Cluster B women myself included. BPD chicks tend to be hot, ultra feminine, really good in bed and can be emotionally detached. That combination can be incredibly tempting between the great sex and challenge of winning her over even if you know in the back of your head that is impossible. Personally, I have a bad habit of getting with Cluster Bs. The best thing to do is just cut them off cold turkey. Just the smallest conversation can end up hanging out with them again.

I totally agree. And they are not being completely into reality, not thinking about any consequence of action. If something happend before they don't remember how they should manage it ("bad emotional memory?") so action happens again.

A customer at my work recently told me "You really got patient, tell that to your girlfriend if u have one.". I was in BDP-realtion back then for 1 year. Hehe

 

[dangdang]

Little update - and a small revelation

This is not going to work out, and sometimes feels like death. Literally.

But, this is about the best thing that can happen to a man. I'm going to be ten times a better man for going through this.

I'll explain... I've read every fvcking thing you can find online about BPD, this tit for tat bull****, and constant uphill battles that make you feel like you're stuck in your single digit years. It's all a viscous circle really, with no end to the rabbit hole unless you get down to the bedrock of it all and confront yourself. Even that bull**** on reignite the fire... the guy means well and all, but for christs sake, why you'd want to keep one of these cvnts around I don't understand.

It really goes back to the old adage of taking responsibility. Real responsibility. All this useless **** online with these mother fvcukers pining over these god damn senseless vampires (myself included) that cause more stress than their worth, really IS NOT moving us forward.

It didn't do a fvcking thing for me, except get me stuck in this whirlwind of complaining about being treated like ****, consistently trying to figure out wtf was happening, and analyzing everything. I wanted sympathy. I wanted different results. I wanted to not be wasting my time on a bad relationship, and I just wanted it to work out.

Well, I finally realized, it's not my fvcking problem. What I AM doing is MY fvcking problem.

The truth is, I chose to put myself in that position. I chose to continue to put up with the bull****. I chose to whine, analyze, pine, and (idk what I was thinking here!!!) even date down. (she wasn't a "hot" bpd) It sucks taking responsibility for it, it really does. Makes you feel like a piece of ****, and comes at a price.

BUT, the empowering part is, just like I chose to do that, I get to choose what I do next.

One cannot help but let the mind be curious and wonder how the fvck this ever happened in the first place.

Well I'll tell you: for me I was raised by all women. I sometimes feel lonely and codependent. I seek validation from unsuitable sources. I want to fix things that cause pain as an avoidance instead of meeting the train head on.

I realized that if I had a handle on myself, these crazy bpd situations would have never progressed as far as they did. The cool part is, the only way I would've realized these things about myself at my core that needed improvement, is to go through something like this.

While it truly does suck during the fact, in the end I will have had the opportunity to better myself as a man, and really enjoy the benefits of working on these core traits that I believe need improvement. I can see now that other areas of my life will be so much better and I'll be able to enjoy more fulfillment which is awesome.

I feel like I'm all over the place trying to paint this picture, but the only reason I'm sharing is if anyone is reading this and is dealing with a nutjob... stop for a minute and look inside. You owe it to yourself.