I need help big time.

[volkme68]

I met this girl 5 weeks ago, we hangout all the time, high KENO. Last weekend I finally fully close it. We were both drunk, only reason we knew it happend was she was sore, and the condom wrappers.lol

Her and I both agreed we weren't looking for a relationship, but are still acting like a couple. To add to that, whenever she is around me, which is a lot, she tells me how much she likes hanging out with me, and I am so easy to talk to, best friend at school, yadayadayada. I would normally be upset as this is LJBF territory, but she is also kissing me and holding hands and we hooked up last weekend. Not friend zone stuff IMO. We are not a couple though, either.

This other guy she met three weeks ago and thought he was just a nice guy who would take her to movies and go flying with her. Of course I see through it but more or less ignore his existance. She spends most her time with me, we're physical, etc.

Life is good until FRI. This kid rents a plane to take her flying from like 430-8. She was supposed to hang with me later, she had an essay due at midnight she was gonna write after the flight, then we were gonna party.

She txt me at 930, saying she hasnt got home, he hasnt dropped her off to do her paper yet,so whe will be a little later. I say no problem, we are just pregaming a party anyway, see you soon. she calls me later and says she is just staying in, tired, etc. I made a joke about the big date going well, and she goes "Much to tell, talk to you tomorrow babe" WTF? Me:"aiight, dont keep me awake in your dreams to lat"

Next morning we are beaching it up. she tells me how he flew her to some, "prettiest road in the world that she had mentioned to him last week. its in ST aug, FL, rented a car from the airport and surprised her, then expressed what a crush he has on her and tried to kiss her. She refused and said she needs to think...

as she is telling me this, wwe are waking/holding hands. I say something to the effect of wow, little much isn't it? Her: I KNOW, thats what I said! but he is a sweatheart. And so are you...

I smile, kiss her, and change the subject. Her and I hang out, pop into a few parties that night and I take her home(she had to be up early today anyway for some retreat thing. On the ride home, I am rubbing her leg. She tells me I probably shouldn't do that right now, after FRI. I shrug and continue, and it doesnt bother her.

I am checking facebook this morning and other guys is now "in a relationship" We know each other, it s a small school. I think She'd have told me if she waqs now his bf. On the other hand, she is definitely confused right now. I think I am ahead, but not securely. I have told her I have some affection for her yet, and I am suspicious that that might be why her and i aren't in a relationship. Advice?

How do I make her make the right choice. I really like this girl. I have posted a couple times about this girl, guys. I am not going to NEXT her yet, so save your breath with that please.

 

[romangod]

How do I make her make the right choice. I really like this girl. I have posted a couple times about this girl, guys. I am not going to NEXT her yet, so save your breath with that please.

The "right" choice is subjective and you can't "make" her do anything. It's against the law.

I can only advise not to turn into a wuss and hand over all the power to her. She's holding all the cards at the moment. Maybe you should step back a little and distance yourself by acting a little more aloof. Don't tell her what you're feeling whatever you do. :nono:

Cheers!

 

[playerone]

Play it confident, since she's sexually attracted to you. Don't be afraid to lose her. You're the f*cking prize. She sure sounds like a f-buddy in what you have described above. Purely a f-buddy. It's either you keep it that way or lose contact with her. You guys started the wrong way, it was due to alcohol. Well, it totally depends on what you've been doing the first 5 weeks and after you had sex with her. Did you communicate with her on a personal level and get her to invest in you? Or did you just do plain flirting all the way.

 

[EFFORT]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=90482

 

[volkme68]

The "right" choice is subjective and you can't "make" her do anything. It's against the law.

But I think we know that I am the right choice, haha.

Seriously though, I know she is into me, she has said so to myself and others. I always play it off when she says it though. We talk alot and I really think she is invested with me.

I think I might have been doing it too much though. To me, it is obvious I like her, I mean I hang out with her, we mess around, flirt, hold hands, heavy KINO... But I really don't know if she realizes it.

I think this is part of the problem because she told me how surprised she was when the dude said he had feelings for her, but she said it wierd, I think maybe hinting a bit.

This girl and I have been acting like a freakin' couple for over a month now, and had sex for the first time last weekend. If she ends up going for this guy, she is not the type to hook up with me still, and I don't think i'd want that anyway. I think its time to **** or get off the pot.

I am thinking something like this, and please feel free to critique:

"I like spending time with you, we have a blast together. Your an awesome girl, and I hate to say it, but I am kinda getting feelings for you...."

I definitely think I need to do something, and I am hanging out with her in a couple hours. let me know

 

[sodbuster]

NO do NOT tell her you are getting feelings for her. You can tell her the rest, but don't do feelings. DON"T bring up going steady or anything. Women loooove to analyze relationships,talk about them with their friends,etc. She'll bring it up if she wants it-then think about it and semi-reluctantly agree. BUT if you offer, she has the control-you just gave it to her.

IF her big date comes up,you could mention that he doesn't seem to think he's enough to impress her without spending alot of money[put that thought in her mind].

 

[volkme68]

Ha I am in pretty foriegn territory with being with ONE girl THIS long. My game is great for the short term, but usually never goes anywhere after a couple hookups. I don't act differently after hooking up, just stay fun and playful, so I definitely need to mix it up a bit. Any one else have this problem?

What almost always happens is I hook up, we get along great, hook up a few more times, and then the chick gets cold feet and wants to be friends. I will get something like, you just don't seem like the relationship type, but I want to be friends with you still, yada yada yada.

To me, showing a little more interest or feelings sounds like the solution, and yet I am not going to express love for a girl or make some grand gesture either.

Any middle road? Any technique to say I am really into you without really being a *****?

 

[romangod]

I am thinking something like this, and please feel free to critique:

"I like spending time with you, we have a blast together. Your an awesome girl, and I hate to say it, but I am kinda getting feelings for you...."

I definitely think I need to do something, and I am hanging out with her in a couple hours. let me know

You missed this part of my post.

Don't tell her what you're feeling whatever you do.:nono:

You're too available and she's got you where she wants you. Time to grow some balls and be the man. If not, prepare yourself for a hard lesson in life.


Cheers!

 

[starplayer]

yeah man, don't start telling her your feelings - you'll be shooting yourself in the foot.

To me, showing a little more interest or feelings sounds like the solution

i would say do the opposite of this lol



tbh, turning a FB into a relationship only really works when the woman really wants it to happen - they want to work for your commitment.

personally, i often find i start getting feelings for girls im only hooking up with when i don't have enough other options (oneitis)

you have to take a step back from her and keep your cool. but ultimately the only real solution to this problem is to fvck other girls

 

[volkme68]

well, how do you suggest i deal with it? I am not trying to argue just a bit confused. If she is trying to pick between two guys, and I go off the map, that seems to me that it would make her decision pretty easy if that is all it takes for me to walk away.

 

[starplayer]

but maybe... if you distance yourself from her for a bit, and get your feelings under control while meeting other girls, she might wonder where you've gone and come chasing after you.

also don't put down the other guy in front of her too much. if he's as AFC as he sounds she'll use him dump him, and come running back to your d!ck anyway

 

[volkme68]

well I just got the your my bestfriend talk. I kinda laughed about it and said no thanks and started to walk away. She grabbed me and asked if I was upset with her. I told her, I am not mad, just a little dissapointed and continued to walk away.

She has been blowing up my phone, starting to put 2 and 2 together with the, "I didn't realize you actually were into me like that line"

Begging me to hangout so I think I will give her a day or two and let her take me out, see what happens.

I am not gonna be just a friend with this girl. I know its an ultimatum, but not happening

 

[Igetit!]

well I just got the your my bestfriend talk.

That was predictable.

In your very first post you said...

I would normally be upset as this is LJBF territory...

referring to her telling you that you're easy to talk to,her "best friend" at school,etc.

Plus you two walking and talking about her date with another guy,and her calling you a "sweetheart".

Hey,you mess with the bull,you get the horn.



You may not realize this,but you're bascially the same as the other guy.


Let's point out the similarities...

She called him a "sweetheart",and called you one too.

She said she was surprised when the other guy told her he had feeling for her,and she just told you that she "didn't realize that you were into her "like that".


Let me get this straight: You said that you two HAVE HAD SEX BEFORE,you kiss her,walk,talk,and hold each other's hands,both agree that your aren't looking for a relationship,but "act like you're a couple".

You do ALL THAT with her,then she tells you she "didn't realize you were into her like that".


Wow. Talk about wacky,lol.


Who knows what's going on here,but my guess would be something YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.


She gave you the "best friends" speech for a reason. And to me,that reason would be she's found someone she does want a relationship with,but at the same time,she doesn't want to lose you.


So she told you that you two are friends to..,

1)Make sure she keeps you around and...
2)Now that the relationship between the two of you has been CLEARLY DEFINED (as being friends),now she can be free to date someone else.

And it might be the other guy.



Now here's the tough part of all this...


IT'S YOUR FAULT.



You should have done what she did. She clearly defined the relationship.

You should have done that FROM THE BEGINNING.


Instead of agreeing to not wanting a relationship and "acting like a couple",you should have been clear about what you wanted.


If you wanted to date her,but she didn't want a relationship,then that should have been the end of any further interactions between you two.


You should have moved on to someone who does want what you want.



Instead,you played around with this nonsense,and now look what's happened.




This girl isn't dumb. She knows she hurt you.



That's why she asked you if you were upset with her.




And don't fool yourself. Yeah,she might want to spend time with you,but it's NOT BEACUSE she's interested in dating you. She just doesn't want to lose "this thing" you two have together.



All I can say is good luck with whatever this thing is you two have.

 

[EFFORT]

well, how do you suggest i deal with it? I am not trying to argue just a bit confused. If she is trying to pick between two guys, and I go off the map, that seems to me that it would make her decision pretty easy if that is all it takes for me to walk away.

not sure you saw it the first time, this is how you deal with it

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=90482

 

[volkme68]

Update. So we hung out for a half hour today. I told her I was serious about not being just friends, at least for now.

She started bawling and saying how dumb she was for not realizing I was into her, yada yada yada. Saying it would be different if i said something about it a week ago.

I took her back to her dorm, still crying. She said she still wanted me in her life. I told her I need some time to get my bearings, but even if we kept in touch, I could care less that she has a BF. I was not gonna back off. She said we will just see what happens.... I said talk to you later, kissed her on the forehead and walked away.....

Just checked FB and her status is something about being emotional and figuring stuff out. The BF has posted a couple times about what's wrong, answer the phone, etc.

I made my bed, time to sleep in it I guess, so wish me luck guys.

 

[volkme68]

So I just got a call from this girl's best female friend at school, asking what happend between the two of us, I thought you were gonna be serious soon, blah, blah, blah. This guy came out of nowhere, etc.

I told her I'd talk to her tomorrow about it. I am busy. She told me the girl does really like me and she wants to help me out with this. What do you guys think about this?

On one hand, it would be great to have an inside girl, but I could see how it could mess things up, too.

 

[Interceptor]

Volkme,
from just the tone of your posts you sound too obsessed and desperate for the attention and affections of this one female.
And thats not good, man.

In your very first post you SAID to HER that you 'werent looking for a relationship'.

And your post are everything CONTRARY to that.

SO guess what?

You fvcked up because you werent being true to yourself and what you REALLY needed from her.
You wanted sex and attention and affection from her, but you seem to be needing even more that that. And that is found only from an exclusive commited ltr partner. And she is not that.

Learn this lesson: Respect WHO you are and WHAT You want and NEED. And stay TRUE to that no matter who the chick is and how badly you want sex and to connect. Dont be incongruent and SAY one thing when you MEAN another. Dont crack under pressure.
And you did, Volkme. You wanted her too bad for you to stay true to what you really wanted from her.
You essentially agreed and said "Its all good." , when in fact, it was NOT good for you.



So you are being incongruent. Your heart is feeling one thing and your mind said something else in order to just be closer to her.

Now she is calling the shots and youre following HER.

Thats not how it works.

She doesnt dictate terms to you, or rations out her affection or attention to you. She doesnt choose or debate or 'think' about matters of attraction, passison, and love. If she has to 'think about it', then let her think about it while you walk out the door.
Dont ever be at the mercy of some female who is somehow making you wait in some way, rationing out her affections.

Dont ever be led by the dangling carrot. Let her keep the carrot.

Your falling into a trap of having feelings for this female who isnt making you a priority and making time and efforts for you.
yet youre here obsessing trying to strategize and find some way to 'get' her.

This not the way it works, brother.

She has to find a way to your heart,not you trying to plan something with your mind that has everything to do with the Heart.
Cart before the horse, man.

Dont be ping ponged by anyone ever.

And dont be waiting and trying to figure out some chick.

Trying to figure out how to get some chick who isnt trying to get with you is a road to unhappiness and a form of masochism.
And unfortunately is a manifestation of low self esteem and few options.
This is not who you are meant to be.
This is not how you should be living your life, man.

Dont be at the mercy of no chick. And let go forever of how to plan and strategize on how to 'get' some chick who isnt making moves your way.
Its a bitter pill to swallow. Because sometimes as men we really get off on the hunt and the chase, and being attractive to a lot of women.
And sometimes we should really be listening to our heart and what we need.
And that is always more important than some random chick who isnt that into us.

Sometimes in order to 'get' the girl we have to walk away from the girl.
And sometimes that girl never comes back....

That only means she doesnt recognize who we are and what we can offer to her as Men.
And that is her loss.
But dont go off into some head trip trying to plan, strategize, and figure her out and give her 'time' to 'decide' and 'think'....
She is NOT your girlfriend. She has NOT proven herself to you.
And she has NOT GIVEN enough of what you NEED and WANT for you to be acting this way.


Would you buy an expensive dress, shoes, matching purse, and jewelry to some hot chick you met some place?
Probably not.

But you are giving away your heart, your kindness, your affections, peace of mind and resources to this woman who isnt into you. And appears to not appreciate your gifts.

This only means low self esteem and the lack of placing proper TRUE VALUE on who you are what you have to offer a woman.
And this has to change.

Place more value on who you are and what you can give, and respect and honor that value, and you WILL see you wont be giving chicks like this the time of day...
Think about it, bro.

Good luck.

 

[Igetit!]

So I just got a call from this girl's best female friend at school, asking what happend between the two of us, I thought you were gonna be serious soon, blah, blah, blah. This guy came out of nowhere, etc.

He didn't come "out of nowhere",at least not to this girl you were pretending to be a couple with.

A relationship doesn't happen on a "Monday". It's not like your friend looked up and "BAM!!!",this girl was in a relationship.


If she's offically dating this guy,then the two of them started talking,hanging out,and getting to know each other waaay before you and everybody else found out.

She told me the girl does really like me and she wants to help me out with this. What do you guys think about this?

To be honest,I'm wondering what's in it for her.

What,is she a matchmaker or something? Why does she care who you or this girl dates?




Your friend told you that this girl likes you. Do you believe that?



You said that you met this girl 5 weeks ago. If this girl likes you as your friend claims,then number one...


1)Why didn't she reveal any interest of wanting to date you in the first month and a half that you two knew each other?


2)Why did she agree to NOT WANTING to be in a relationship with you if she likes you?



3)If she likes you (as in wanting to date you),why did she give you the "best friends" speech?





I don't think she likes you as in wanting to date you. I think she likes how close your two were. She likes the walking,talking,and her being able confide in you about things.




In other words,she likes you being her best friend,just like she originally said.




That's what she wants to keep in her life. That's what she doesn't want to lose.




If she were interested in dating you,she would have already said so by now.



I bet you it didn't take her 5 weeks to let this other guy know she wanted him.

On one hand, it would be great to have an inside girl, but I could see how it could mess things up, too.

An inside girl?

What can she do?

How is she going to change all the feelings and emotions this girl has for this other guy and direct them towards you?



If she has some type of magcial powers,send her my way.


Instead of using the DJ skill and knowledge here on the forum to get a girl,I'll just send her over to whatever girl I find attractive.