I('m) messed up

[TrueRomance]

I fell in love with a good friend's girlfriend. They've been dating for years. About 8 months ago, she and I admitted to have feelings for each other. We never physically cheated, but I'm not trying to be a saint here, emotionally we did have a short affair. We texted and called for a while and things got very complicated. I hate myself for this and I cannot ever forgive myself. Luckily, before things went really south, we ended all contact and decided that we had to put the feelings away. I'm not trying to defend myself here. There is no excuse, but I cannot take back what happened.

The thing is, is that I cannot get her out of my mind. I have been dating many others. I have tried to avoid seeing my friends and her as much as possible. But since it's the only group of friends I hang out with, this is not always possible. I would never actively pursue her anymore. I will never text her or whatsoever, but somehow it feels like she has taken my heart and I cannot get over her. I know this is what is called oneitis here. The rare times we do see each other, I can tell it's taking a toll on her too. My question to you guys is, whether it's best for me to stop seeing those friends. To maybe move to a different city. Or any other tips to help figure this out. It's driving me crazy. I'm talking with a therapist now and it feels like things are getting worse. We've ended things 4 months ago

 

[Romanemp22]

Send me her #

 

[r4zorsharp]

Honestly you really need to evaluate whether she really had feelings with you or was trying to do something she would regret out of anger or frustration in her relationship with your friend. How bent you are over a girl you had absolutely nothing physical with is a REALLY BAD SIGN. ITs a sign that you are desperate and you can easily be destroyed by a girl you think really has feelings for you.

Just run for the hills and don't look back.. focus on other things because you are a very vulnerable. Plus, if you want to be honest, you should just tell your friend about it too.. and tell him you feel awful. of course, you wont do that becuase u are head over heels for this girl for some odd reason..

 

[Black Widow Void]

It's difficult to say how others in your situation would react, but I'll share a (somewhat) similar story.

Through my (then) girlfriends social circle, I met a guy at a party that seemed pretty cool. He wasn't a surface type guy and also enjoyed going out for beers. A good friendship was starting to develop.

While my girlfriend and I were on the outs (not broken up, but not exactly together) something happened.

He called me up later and told me about "making out" with my girl. He apologized and said that he felt bad about this and wanted to come clean in hopes that our friendship could be salvaged. Meanwhile, the next time I saw the girl, she acted as if she'd been a good little girl all the time. I gave the girl her walking papers and maintained a friendship with the guy. He never tagged her again, nor did I.

Although I didn't appreciate what my friend did... I realized that we all have hormones and when booze is involved, things can happen. I respected him though because he was a man about things and came clean without being busted. The girl on the other hand was not so moral.

I realize that you're in a tough spot. If you come clean with your friend as you have on this forum, I suspect that you'll at least feel a little bit better about yourself. The girl may hate you for it, but if so, she's revealed her true colors and it indicates that she probably wasn't suited for you in the first place.

We are here for you. Keep us posted on the situation.

 

[TrueRomance]

Thanks both. Makes sense. I'll consider your points. I agree with R4zorsharp that I'm put of to easy by this. I never seem to care, until I do...

@Black Widow Void, the post you're referring too dates back to Juli 2019. This is indeed a situation I had with my ex-girlfriend. Has nothing to do with this story... I don't see why it is contradictory for my today's situation. I do acknowledge that it displays me being out of balance for a while now

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Lol, this woman has displayed a clear lack of boundaries, you need to tell your friend what happened or you are not a friend of his.

Like seriously, this woman will continue to display a lack of boundaries until she gets caught, then she'll just move on, they don't change.

 

[bat soup]

I fell in love with a good friend's girlfriend. They've been dating for years. About 8 months ago, she and I admitted to have feelings for each other. We never physically cheated, but I'm not trying to be a saint here, emotionally we did have a short affair. We texted and called for a while and things got very complicated. I hate myself for this and I cannot ever forgive myself. Luckily, before things went really south, we ended all contact and decided that we had to put the feelings away. I'm not trying to defend myself here. There is no excuse, but I cannot take back what happened.

The thing is, is that I cannot get her out of my mind. I have been dating many others. I have tried to avoid seeing my friends and her as much as possible. But since it's the only group of friends I hang out with, this is not always possible. I would never actively pursue her anymore. I will never text her or whatsoever, but somehow it feels like she has taken my heart and I cannot get over her. I know this is what is called oneitis here. The rare times we do see each other, I can tell it's taking a toll on her too. My question to you guys is, whether it's best for me to stop seeing those friends. To maybe move to a different city. Or any other tips to help figure this out. It's driving me crazy. I'm talking with a therapist now and it feels like things are getting worse. We've ended things 4 months ago

Firstly, this girl is disloyal. So don't fall in love with her or make her important in your life. Apart from that she hasn't actually given you what you want, so you've got the worst of both worlds (the feelings of guilt without the pleasure of actually having had sex). You're better off keeping her at a distance for now but leaving the door open for her to hit you up if things don't work out with her guy. Don't take her too seriously, though, because obviously she's not exactly high-quality material.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

The thing is, is that I cannot get her out of my mind. I have been dating many others.

You need to get rid of your OneItis fast dude.
Also remember that if she could do that to her former boyfriend (and your friend too), then she will do it to you too.
This is not a quality chick that you like to have around you..

Pump and dump... That's all.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

You are acting 100% like a woman.
Therapist included.
This is your friend. The sneaking is whats making you horny not the puzz.
Keep going this WILL END BADLY

That IS feminine to have the "sneaking" part is what makes him horny. It's a really bad habit to start, that grows...

 

[Epimanes]

If she cheats with you... she will cheat on you. Its just a matter of time..... next

 

[samspade]

You've already made up your mind that it won't happen, so you're halfway home.

My recommendation is that you take a long break from your friends. I don't think you need to explain it to your buddy...it will cause more problems than it will solve. Unless you feel a burning desire to clear your conscience with him. But I would still take a sabbatical so that the emotions can die out before making any decisions that could mess things up. Just find some projects and personal things to work on...the holidays are a great time for this, anyway. If asked, just say that you are busy. I would include stepping back from social media or unfollowing them if that is part of your routine.

Then you take the time to train your mind off of her and onto you, your hobbies, other girls, whatever it takes. Oneitis can be involuntary but it CAN be habit-forming (pining, etc.). When she crosses your mind, you accept the thought and then move on to something else. The NFL playoffs, for instance. Try to get through 30 days of retraining your brain.

As far as the girl...by being the adult in the room you can save her from making any disastrous moves. At least with you. Some guys think "well, she'll cheat with somebody" but that's not always the case. For instance, who admitted to whom first their feelings? I'll bet it was you. That's not to say she has no agency, but we men are always talking about "leading" women and it's very easy to lead one astray. If you've ever banged a girl with a boyfriend, you probably know what I mean.

 

[Black Widow Void]

the post you're referring too dates back to Juli 2019. This is indeed a situation I had with my ex-girlfriend. Has nothing to do with this story... I don't see why it is contradictory for my today's situation. I do acknowledge that it displays me being out of balance for a while now

Thanks for the clarification. Color me "embarrassed" on this one. Looks like I neglected to notice the timestamp on your previous posting.