"I Love You" What's my response

[Abcd]

My girlfriend told me about a month into the relationship that she loves me. She had had a crush on me since the beginning of senior year in high school - we just graduated and are attending the same college next year. Now, I like this girl a lot, we lost our virginities together at prom, she's cute, smart, and everything else. But "love" is an awful strong word to me. When she popped it on me a couple months ago my reaction was pretty much, "Oh? Well... that's interesting...." And she was pissed at herself for telling me and not getting reciprocation. Almost immediately she was saying that she wished she had just kept quiet.

Over the last couple months though we've grown into our unequal states of love. She now says she's glad she told me, even though I have told her numerous times that I'm just an 18 year old boy and I don't even know what love is. She persists in talking about stuff that goes way beyond my interest level (like having kids in a few years, moving to california, etc.). I'm just here thinking whoa, slow down.

How can I get this girl to chill the f*ck out? I totally want to have sex with her for a while, but I feel like I'm just digging myself in deeper by doing it. My perfect plan is this: We'd have fun this summer, and then go away to college together. She would provide some easy tail for my first few months at college, and then we'd go our separate ways. But I can't help wondering how attached to me she will have become six months from now, knowing that after three months she is already talking about the names of our kids (I kid you not).


Right now I have made it clear to her that:

- I don't know what love is.

- I don't know if I love her right now.

- I may at some point in the future figure this stuff out, but right now I'm just not there yet.


What else should I do to get her off of my back? I can't have this going on, not only for my mental health but also because I don't want her to kill herself when I decide to move on in six months.

I don't have any previous experience with LTR's, so please advise. Thanks

 

[TesuqueRed]

Hans Solo: "I know."

Or look her in they eyes and smile.

Or look her in the eyes and kiss her briefly.

I usually keep the stupid look on my face and hope it works this time...

Seriously, though, this last March I had two women tell me that in the space of a week--it didn't throw me or freak me out, which I think is the best response. Usually a guy feels like this is a major major test and he has to respond in kind. She may even push it by saying "well, what do you say to that?" Somehow you have to get past your "I'm obligated to respond and it better impress her--OMG! What do I do???" response.

 

[Abcd]

Sure, I do that stuff too. I'm talking about in the long term though. What should my stance be on the love issue? Should I let her know that we probably aren't going to get married? That I'm most likely going to want more than one girlfriend in college?

 

[PiNkMaGGiT]

dude i know its gonna suck in teh short term but you have to be at least truthful with the lass even if you know its gonna hurt her bad. I think thats the one thing you owe her. From what it sounds like you aren't as in to her as she is in to you so you have to let her know this. The longer she goes on thinking you two are going to get married and have 48 children the harder it will be for her when you shatter her dreams. I reckon you should have 'a talk' about your futures and just tell her that although you still like her and want to be with her you don't know that it will last forever. Its one of the hardest things a guy can do but you have to be a man about it. Just let her know that you aren't as serious about things as she is and you want to experience some more before you make such life-altering decisions as she has obviously already made. Tell her that you don't love her because you haven't had a chance to explore what love is yet. Its hard to tell if you really really like somebody if you've only ever been with a few girls. Whew.

 

[Abcd]

Thanks Pink, that was helpful. Anybody else?

 

[numlock]

you sound like you're in it for the sex......and she's in it for the LTR

she seems really attached to you, and it's not fair to her if you hold out on her until college just so you can get a few more screws in. if you care about her, let her know as soon as you can so she can have time to get over it and be emotionally sound when she reaches college. the last thing you want to do is **** her up mentally once she's in school....cuz then everything will be affected.

 

[GirlCrazy]

There's not much you can do. It sounds like you have differing goals. She wants an LTR, and you wanna just keep it light and fluffy. She has big plans, and you wanna hang out and enjoy being 18. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Here is my prediction:

Either she will hop on the next guy that shares the same goals as her (or at least says he does), or you will find a less serious chick to date.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but she'll probably NEXT you soon.

My advice is to find another chick who just wants to have fun, and there's PLENTY of em out there.

 

[Premier]

I think that Pinkmaggit is right on here. Be a man and talk with the girl about what you want.

She will probably break up with you after this conversation, since the two of you have such differing goals, but don't look at this as a bad thing.

You're not interested in a relationship with this girl, and leading her on will only hurt her in the end. It's probably better for both of you to end it now before it gets really messy.

And trust me, as soon as you get to college, there will be so many girls that you'll be glad that you didn't bring that baggage with you.

 

[Abcd]

Wow I'm surprised you guys think I should actually end it. I'd have no problem if she nexted me, but to actually break it off on my end seems a bit rash.

So last night we were walking around downtown and we got on the subject of marriage, not ours in particular but she was talking about how she wanted a horse in the ceremony or something. So I turned it into a conversation about us. I told her that *I* wasn't getting married for a long time, like not until 25 at least. She told me kinda jokingly that in fact I was. I told her again that no, I wasn't getting married for a long time, and that I need a lot more experience with girls before I decide who I am going to marry. She didn't react much at that point, but later on seemed a bit sad.

We then went and got coffee. She has crazy parents and I was giving her life advice. I added that she would likely go out with lots of guys in her life, ie. she has lots of prospects even though things might seem bad with her family. She again didn't react much.

I dropped her off at home and made her promise that her family wasn't going to bother her. I told her she had nothing to worry about. Then she asked me if she had anything to worry about "with me." I asked her if she meant "like, with me dumping you or something?" She said yes, with that. I told her that "yes, of course you do." So she frowned. I told her that she didn't have anything to worry about in the short term, but yeah that's life sweetie. She kinda frowned in a pouty way but seemed fine with it.

I think this girl is just a bit immature. She's probably going to realize that there are lots of guys in the world once we get to college. I don't see why I should have to drop a perfectly good relationship that I can have fun with this summer and be secure in first semester next year when we're both okay with it. Any dissenters? I'm not being a total *******, it's not just a f*ck buddy thing, I enjoy being with her on a personal level too. So what do you think?

 

[Quick]

I don't think people were saying that you should break up with her, they were just saying that you should be honest with her about what you're thinking and not lead her on. From your last post, you're doing exactly what you should be doing and what everyone suggested. You let her know what your thoughts are about the future, and now she knows what the score is. Now, if she stays with you, it's not because she thinks that you're going to marry her, but because she chooses to be with you knowing all the information. She won't be as broken-hearted when you guys do separate, and you two can still be on friendly terms. From your first post, it sounded like you had never told her that you aren't thinking of the two of you in the long term.

 

[Abcd]

Okay, I see. Rereading those last posts I guess I misconstrued their meaning. Sounds good.

 

[Premier]

You did the right thing there. Talking to her about it was the best step you could have taken.

When the end does come in this relationship, she won't feel as if she was blindsided, instead she'll be somewhat prepared.

It wasn't my advice earlier to break it off with her right away, only to give you the idea that if she broke up with you after this conversation (as many girls would do) that you shouldn't look at it as a bad thing.

It sounds like you have a pretty deep hook in this girl already, so she's willing to stick around, even if she can't order your wedding cake yet.

 

[tamale]

Abcd, just tell her the truth, that you are a homosexual.

 

[Abcd]

Yep I think that's pretty much the situation. She is just so into me I can't believe it. I feel rather guilty though, because it's almost like I could tell her that next week I'm going to start sleeping around, and she'd still stick with me for the rest of this week just because she likes me so much. I never thought there was any way she'd break up with me after I told her that stuff, but I am rather surprised that she seems *so* unconcerned. It's good, I talked to her today and she seemed fine, not even mentioning it. I think once we get to college this girl (an 8) is going to realize that she has enormous potential and that she's quite a catch. That'll probably lead her away from me, which is fine since at my age going out with a girl who I'm not completely enamored with for more than a year seems like a bad idea.

edit: tamale cut in before I posted this, heh. Maybe I'm a fool for taking the bait but, why am I a homosexual?

 

[Abcd]

Ah okay so now there is a new update. After I dropped her off last night she emailed me and at the end was this:

PS. if u could stop hinting or talking about the time after we break up, id feel much better. i feel so comfy and safe and perfect with you........try not to shatter that picture for me. tons of huggs and kisses.

Now, she didn't mention anything on the phone today, maybe because she just doesn't want to talk about it. Do you think I have to address this? Should I say sure, sorry for hinting at it? At least she acknowledges that there WILL be a time when we break up, is that good enough? Or do I have to respond with a "Yes, I can stop hinting at it, but you have to understand that in all likelyhood we won't be together forever." Or something to that effect? Thanks guys this is my first time having to deal with such an issue.

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

I would have turned to her and said something like," I love food too."

Hb: "What?"

"Viva the color blue?"

Hb: "Huh?"

"Twenty three skiddoo?"

and repeat ad nauseum or until she appears to be getting irritated. I'd say it with goofy eyes and a really stupid grin on my face. Then I'd pull her close, squease her and kiss her on her nose.

 

[Legend]

you need to grow up kid. You seem very immature and very gay at the least. If shes an 8 whats the problem? You think there are tons of girls at college that will like you? Probably not buddy....i was in your shoes and i thought i could do better then my x gf. I broke it off and ended up going a year without getting any play. A fvcking year....yeah girls hook up in college but most of them are'nt anything great. Def. not 8's.

Give it some time before you make some mistakes. She could talk about marriage all she wants dude. It takes two people, its really no big deal if she brings it up. I would make a joke out of it.

Oh yeah GirlCrazy, you make no sense. This girl def. is'nt going to dump him. She has very high interest level in this guy if she is thinking kids and marriage.....so stop going to the girls defense.

(well if she does, its because he's an idiot talking about breaking up with her, getting her all worried) To tell you the truth i hope she does break up with you. Guys like you deserve to be lonely.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Strange thought----sounds like he's doing the female job and testing her interest level like a woman obsesses about and tests our interest level. That might explain the over-analyizing.

 

[Abcd]

Yeah I guess. I could take both points of view.

 

[gr8one]

Han Solo?...

Jesus Christ.....