I love the stability of my long time gf, but crave the excitement of a side love affair, what to do?


Senior Don Juan
Nov 2, 2014
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I recently I had an affair. I twas not my first time but this time it was different, I fell for the girl and almost left my gf of about a decade for her. I started doing this a few years ago but this one I fell for and she knew how to keep me chasing, the up and down. She was naturally unstable, a challenge. The year long affair ended badly, we started talking again recently but although I love the girl she is crazy and unstable, I don't want to be with HER. I enjoyed the up and down, the uncertainty, the instability, not knowing if we'd work things out or start talking again, how things would turn out...but at the same time I now realize that I like the stability of my gf who is great as far as a gf except I'm not as attracted to her as I used to be, probably because we've been together so long. It's the same piece. I want her but I want to experience the emotions I experienced during this affair. Not sure what to do...It's like I want her stability but have the instability on the side. Which isn't fair to her.

It's not necessarily the sex, it's the emotions I feel. One week the other girl and I were getting along great, next week we were fighting all the time. She'd stop texting, calling, etc. I didn't know what would come next. Whether we would reconcile, etc. This went on for about a year.

Ultimately the girl was a disaster, divorced 4 times, lost custody of her kids, couldn't hold down a job for more than a few months. Two of the 5 guys she was with in her life molested her daughter for years...Ultimately she is not relationship material. Sweet and southern like I like them, sure. But not someone for long term. I had a relationship with a very attractive girl in my twenties that was like her but more stable. Even with HER I got bored after a couple years and started cheating, wanted to break up but couldn't get myself to do it.

Make no mistake, I treat my live in gf very well, other than this cheating. Thing is, I love my live in gf's stability, but I want the chase as well. If I just had the chase alone, I'd get tired of that and want the stability that she provides. But just having the stability that she provides is not enough for me it seems.

We tried all kinds of stuff, sex in public places, traveling the country and the world. She even suggested one time that I try to pick her up at a bar, pretending we don't know each other. Maybe we can try it, we never did because I just think it won't work, I already know the outcome, she'd come home with me.

She knows I had someone else. She could sense it and asked all the time. This wasn't some random hook up, since we were in love this girl and I texted and talked on the phone daily so she knew something was up. Even told me the other girl is just going to cheat on me, etc. My dilemma is I want the stability that she provides but also the excitement that the chase of a slightly unstable woman provides. The challenge. But I cant have both for long, I will eventually lose her...

I don't know what to do. I thought about getting excitement in other ways. Sky diving will get boring quickly so that's out. One thing I thought is her and I traveling the country in an RV together. Another thought was relocating to a different state together. The novelty would likely jazz up our relationship for a period of time.

Part of the problem is I'm antsy. I get bored with EVERYTHING quickly. Jobs, houses, relationships, etc. I move, change jobs, etc. every couple years...I even read an article that changing jobs was a way to revitalize your life/career when feeling bored in a job and it clicked; that's why I change jobs and houses so often.

The excitement of an unstable relationship makes me feel the up and down, the full spectrum of emotions, the newness of a new love, the sadness of a fight/breakup, the bliss of getting back together, never knowing what's coming next. But at the same time, like i said, I like the stability of the main girl. What to do? I have read that what MOST guys do in this situation is exactly what I'm doing: have affairs...But I feel bad doing this to her. It's selfish of me. She's a great girl and I don't want to hurt her when she inevitably catches me.

tl:dr I love the stability, reliability and dependability of my long time gf, but I don't feel the emotions that I crave from having a love affair. Not about sex with other women, no...Falling in love, fighting, breaking up, getting back together, the uncertainty of the outcome. The up and down emotions, the rush of falling in love with someone new, the sadness when we break up and don't talk, wondering if she'll text/call, the bliss when we get back together, not knowing the outcome, etc. I know I won't be happy with just the unstable women/dating, I'll crave a stable relationship. But in the stable relationship, I crave the unstable love affairs so I can feel the full spectrum of emotions. But it's not fair to my long time gf and eventually she will catch me and I will lose a great life partner. Heck, for all I know we may split in 5 or 10 more years. Nothing lasts forever. I don't know what to do, be faithful, keep having affairs or break up and just date?
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