I let my guard down with one girl

[RY]

Couldn't believe it, I finally let my guard down and let a chick see inside me. What a bad move, I actually thought the chick would like me for who I am. First few dates went well ending with me making out with her, but her always ending the date a little early. Which I know I should have been the one initiating it. Anyways the other night we end up in my bed together lying down and she decides to call it a night early right while we're under the covers before anything can really happen. I mean I mind that I have to get up and she can tell I'm ticked off as I'm driving her home. So finally we pull up outside her house and she asks me, "is ther anything you have to say?" And of course its very late (or early the next day) and I'm getting fed up with her antics so I say yeah I have something to say. So I explain to her that I'm not looking just to bang her and that I have interest in seeing if there can be anything more between us. She goes on to tell me that she likes me and that we have a lot in common and all that but that she is going through a lot of changes in her life and she doesnt' want to hurt me, but she doesn't know if she is willing to have a relationship yet. So I tell her that she isn't going to hurt me, and that she needs to consider where she wants the relationship to go. I proceed to give her a few days as a window to consider where she wants our relationship to go, either in the toilet, or potentially as bf + gf, but there is no way it is going to be friends nor will we end up in neutral, with me ending the night with blue ba*ls every night. So I guess I did good giving her that snippet that its one way or the other, but I keep kicking myself for even thinking like this. Sound off DJ's give a brother some help, do I just end this now because I compromised my dominance?

 

[WaterTiger]

WHAT A B!TCH! If she's not ready for a relationship then next her a$$ and find a girl who IS ready. Why did she get in bed with you then say "OH! The date's over!" ??? That's just EVIL! Who does this chick think she is??? You deserve better than this little game-player. Let her do this to some other poor guy NOT YOU!

NEXT!!!!!!

 

[TesuqueRed]

Originally posted by RY
...So I explain to her that I'm not looking just to bang her and that I have interest in seeing if there can be anything more between us.

I don't know if I'm on point here or not, but--as phrased--this is almost the equivalent of asking her to be exclusive. You are declaring you want "a Relationship." The R-word here.

And there's no equivocating on that -- you can't get off the hook by saying "I didn't say I would actually do it, but that it was something to explore, to be decided later..." That's not what she heard. She'd hear "I want to catch you and rope you in as my GF."

She knows your intentions--now she has the power. And if it is her job (per Doc Love et al) to attract you and get you to choose her over all others (by asking for a relationship, be exclusive, etc.) -- then she accomplished her job. But the job finished waythefvck too early. She wants to earn it, not have you dump it on her so early.

And going for "let's see if this goes to the R-stage" blows past the dating and having fun stage, which can and should last for weeks and months before coming close to that R-word.

She goes on to tell me that she likes me and that we have a lot in common and all that but that she is going through a lot of changes in her life and she doesnt' want to hurt me, but she doesn't know if she is willing to have a relationship yet.

Yup. She feels the power. She's got it. She's using it and, I dare say, enjoys it.

So I tell her that she isn't going to hurt me, and that she needs to consider where she wants the relationship to go.

This type of fight with phrases like that--IMHO--should be taking place 5 years from now...

I proceed to give her a few days as a window to consider where she wants our relationship to go, either in the toilet, or potentially as bf + gf, but there is no way it is going to be friends nor will we end up in neutral, with me ending the night with blue ba*ls every night.

She's in the driver seat, you're waitin' on her. But I like your anger on this--I went thru that once, it'll get you somewhere.

So I guess I did good giving her that snippet that its one way or the other,

That's an ultimatum and stands a good chance of not working--especially since she has the power and can't foresee you having enough to carry thru with the threat. And even if you did, her IL may be getting low enough she won't care so much.

Before she can let you know her decision, maybe you can next her pre-emptively? Don't call her back, go out immediately on dates with others--word will get back and she'll respond.

But I wouldn't take her back.

... do I just end this now because I compromised my dominance?

Sure, it's compromised. Not fatally--your instincts are emerging and you're headed in the right direction.

 

[Survivor]

Ditto what WaterTiger stated, but I'll add this:

You made the huge mistake of equating sex with love.

If you get in bed with a girl, your job is NOT build the foundation for a long term relationship. That's her job. Your job is to fuc the living sh|t out of her. Not to cuddle. Not to talk about your "feelings". You are not in bed with her to conversate. You are there to fornicate. Get that drilled in your head.

I am holding YOU responsible for allowing yourself to get played like that. The damage is done. She will no longer consider you any semblence of a man. Hopefully she won't tell too many people about what happened.

Like WaterTiger stated, any girl that gets in bed with you and does not want to have sex is a fuking teasecake. When that happens, kindly walk out of the room and have nothing to do with that girl ever again. Doing so will keep your balls fron turning blue, and not to mention, keep you out of prison! (Just ask Kobe...)

NEVER AGAIN LET YOUR INFACTUATION COMPRIMISE YOUR SELF-RESPECT!

 

[Walden]

A girl jumps out on you cos it's "stuck pig week" you let her get away with it once, but any other situation is time to start experinexting.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

If she doesn't want a relationship then what the hell is she doing dating you?????? OOOHHHHHH yeah - she just wants sex!!!
treat her like the wh@re that she is and never 'ask' a girl "to be in a relationship" let alone a wh@re!!!!!!!!!

 

[CLOONEY]

Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover
If she doesn't want a relationship then what the hell is she doing dating you?????? OOOHHHHHH yeah - she just wants sex!!!
treat her like the wh@re that she is and never 'ask' a girl "to be in a relationship" let alone a wh@re!!!!!!!!!

hahahaahahhahahahaa, PuertoRican_Lover, you are a funny azz cu*t, hahahaaha. You have such negative attitudes, sadly most of what you say is the truth. Girls just dont want to realise it, and for the most part, either do guys.

Are you from Puerto Rico? Do you live there currently?

Take it easy

 

[prosemont]

As usual, I agree with Tesuquered here. You trotted this out WAY too early ... I'm reading "after a few dates." Wtf? Shame on you. I also take it that you haven't closed the deal sexually with her yet. Some women actually take longer than a few dates to give it up.

In any event, to quote my good friend Jake Steed:

"The word 'relationship' shouldn't come out of your mouth until you've come in hers."

Having said all that ... you did make this move. Now, she had two choices, correct? She could have embraced you and escalated whatever "relationship" you have or she could have done what she indeed did ... reduce the "relationship." Because she chose the latter, she's out of there dude. Fugedaboutit. She's not worth anymore of your effort. I'd eject and start building yourself a nice bullpen of relievers which you should have been doing anyway.

She may come whimpering back, but I wouldn't take the bait and I'd treat her cordially while somewhat flirting with her but not with any of my own direct statements of interest whatsoever and without EVER asking to make plans. And, I'd never ever call her, she would need to call me. If she wants back in, she's going to have to earn it and work for it ten-fold. (Chances are, however, that she really doesn't give two shiites and a fvck about you, sorry to say it, and you're not going to get any type of interest now.)

Good luck.

 

[OddTech]

I have a slightly different take. I think the thing was over fairly early in the beginning. You didn't provide much detail, but it seems like when she was ending the date before you did, it might mean her IL (interest level) was lower than yours.

Furthermore, she said the most striking phase, which was,

"she doesn't know if she is willing to have a relationship yet.

Which in ******** (*taking out the ******** translator*) means: she doesn't want to have a relationship with YOU.

So I doubt anything you said would have changed otherwise. Even the ultimatum isn't going to work. It's time to start looking for other prospects.

 

[xblitz44x]

"You trotted this out WAY too early ... I'm reading "after a few dates." Wtf?" Prosemont

Yeah I'm thinking the same thing. What do you mean you "let your guard down?" You only went out on a couple dates with her. And since she didn't want a relationship or at least know what she wants to do right then, at that time, you automatically ASSUMED that she didn't like you for 'who you are' and threw a big hissy fit and sabotaged the entire thing. YOU were the one who created some kind of 'time line' in your mind. That she MUST be ready for a relationship tonight or I'm calling this chick on her shyt! That time line is YOUR hang-up, not hers. And just because SHE doesn't follow the schedule that you've mapped out in YOUR own mind, doesn't mean she or her behavior is wrong. You fvcked this one up yourself, don't blame anybody else.

 

[xblitz44x]

"Which in ******** (*taking out the ******** translator*) means: she doesn't want to have a relationship with YOU."

This is kinda ridiculous, OddTech. No offense to you because I know that's not your words. Just what you heard. But it's REALLY ridiculous to assume that just because this girl doesn't want a relationship, or know what she wants in THIS case, doesn't mean she doesn't want one with HIM. They barely hung out. Maybe she's taking it slow, maybe she's getting to know him, maybe she REALLY likes him but doesn't want to get hurt. Why do we always assume that if a woman doesn't want, what we want, when we want it, that they automatically don't like us? I think should give ourselves more credit and not let our own insecurity destroy situations like this before they have a chance to get off the ground.

 

[OddTech]

xblitz,

You made some good points, but none of us know the details of RY's date. We both do not know the extent of how well they know each other. You're under the assumption that they only been out "a couple of times," which is 2 or 3 times. You may be correct or not.

I'm also basing my conclusion on what is written so far. For example, when she said, "she going through a lot of changes" we don't know whether that is BS or not. Ask yourself, how often and when do you hear this?

The last time I heard it, is was nothing but an excuse. You're right, maybe she wants to take it slow and want more time to know him. But as it is, she is now holding the power. She is calling the shot. Base on this, the situation is stacking up against RY.

I know we shoud deserve more credit, as you put it. But for RY case, his situation doesn't change much, does it? The advice is still the same -- hold off contact for awhile, set up a date if desirable in the future, and see other girls.

 

[xblitz44x]

The power struggle that's going on is in your imagination. It's your peception. The only time she has *power* over him, is when he feels he did something that put him lower than her. It's nothing that she did. It's the way that he's viewing the situation and that 'thing' he did to 'fvck things up'. And if he's looking at it from a "Who has the power now", he will never be able to have a solid connection with anybody because it'll constantly be a competition.

 

[iqqi]

the chic's side...

i am going to reply from perhaps her side. i feel like i am maybe in the same position as her. i can't TRULY say that, because i don't know how she really feels about you, but i can speak from a VERSION of that issue.

Originally posted by RY
Couldn't believe it, I finally let my guard down and let a chick see inside me. What a bad move, I actually thought the chick would like me for who I am. First few dates went well ending with me making out with her, but her always ending the date a little early. Which I know I should have been the one initiating it.

this is nothing more than an attempt at control. see through it. your attempts, as well as hers. willing to spell it out for you if you need more enlightenment.

Originally posted by RY
Anyways the other night we end up in my bed together lying down and she decides to call it a night early right while we're under the covers before anything can really happen. I mean I mind that I have to get up and she can tell I'm ticked off as I'm driving her home.

have been in this position. always feel guilty. don't mean to tease, but am comfortable lying with you, and want to be near you. just not ready for the next level of intimacy. always feel guilty.

in this situation you need to be a man. self control. there is a good chance that if you don't make it seem like you expect sex, she will give it to you, if nothing else, out of confusion.

and if you can't handle her lying next to you in bed without puttin out, then don't let her in your bed. just like you are going to take it as far as you can without going farther than you want, well vice versa.

Originally posted by RY
So finally we pull up outside her house and she asks me, "is ther anything you have to say?"

this meant that she cares. she can tell you are upset and she is feeling guilty/scared/insecure/angry....

Originally posted by RY
And of course its very late (or early the next day) and I'm getting fed up with her antics so I say yeah I have something to say. So I explain to her that I'm not looking just to bang her and that I have interest in seeing if there can be anything more between us.

before you get mad at her, what exactly do YOU mean? you want a relationship? or you want the ass? be real.

Originally posted by RY
She goes on to tell me that she likes me and that we have a lot in common and all that but that she is going through a lot of changes in her life and she doesnt' want to hurt me, but she doesn't know if she is willing to have a relationship yet.

so with that in mind, what are you willing to do? is seeing her more putting you at any risks you are unwilling to take? or are you just mad she won't give you any yet?

Originally posted by RY
So I guess I did good giving her that snippet that its one way or the other, but I keep kicking myself for even thinking like this. Sound off DJ's give a brother some help, do I just end this now because I compromised my dominance?

may have jumped the gun on this one.

i recommend a dose of new edition:

"....When ya got a girl who takes her time
You must slow the pace you can’t mess with her mind
If she feels the same she’ll letcha know
Just prepare yourself or be ready to go
And I hope this message stays in your mind
Cause you almost lost a girl who is right on time
There’s one more thing that ya got to know
Just cool it down and stay in control

You got to cool it now
You got to cool it now
Ooooooh watch out
You’re gonna loose control...."

 

[CLOONEY]

She is confused right now, she may like you, but she doesnt know if her interest level in you is high enough at the moment. You are acting real serious on her azz so early on, coming off as controlling. She doesnt like it, her inerest level is dropping even more. I think you gotta really withdraw and see what happens. Make your dates exciting, fun, dont get seriousl on her azz AGAIN for a LONG LONG TIME!! You may still be in with a LITTLE chance!

However if her IL is low this early on, it is a BIG RED FLAG!

 

[DJ_Dork]

I've had a girl say "I don't want a relationship now" which many people would say "I don't want a relationship with you" that may be true because her interest level is low or maybe she doesn't want you. I ignored this girl for 2 weeks and she did the calling to "ask to meet up for a cup of coffee" which afterwards she started spanking my ass. ETC.

Do what other guys mention: 1. find other girls that are more receptive. 2. ignore her for 2 weeks then hope she contacts you if not.. contact her and check her out.

 

[Player_Supreme]

I can't count how many times I've already preached this lesson on just this forum alone.

Consider it a lesson learned.

 

[Player_Supreme]

Originally posted by RY
So finally we pull up outside her house and she asks me, "is ther anything you have to say?" And of course its very late (or early the next day) and I'm getting fed up with her antics so I say yeah I have something to say. So I explain to her that I'm not looking just to bang her and that I have interest in seeing if there can be anything more between us.

1. sounds like she has total control in this relationship. review your contacts and you will see this is true. the way you started is the way you will end...with her calling the shots.

2. for her the one to initiate "is there anything you have to say" shows who controls...she is playing you like a little kid...or someone whom she doesn't look up to and respects.

3. you lost it...you lost any chance of ever recuping this one when you said " So I explain to her that I'm not looking just to bang her and that I have interest in seeing if there can be anything more between us."

When are you guys on this site going to ever learn this shyt. You never ever...ever give away the holy grail in the beginning or middle...make them earn and crave to hear those words!

Why should she even give you the time of day anymore since your no challenge to her anymore.

She goes on to tell me that she likes me and that we have a lot in common and all that but that she is going through a lot of changes in her life and she doesnt' want to hurt me, but she doesn't know if she is willing to have a relationship yet. So I tell her that she isn't going to hurt me, and that she needs to consider where she wants the relationship to go. I proceed to give her a few days as a window to consider where she wants our relationship to go, either in the toilet, or potentially as bf + gf, but there is no way it is going to be friends nor will we end up in neutral, with me ending the night with blue ba*ls every night. So I guess I did good giving her that snippet that its one way or the other, but I keep kicking myself for even thinking like this. Sound off DJ's give a brother some help, do I just end this now because I compromised my dominance? [/B]

1. "cut your losses" words from one of my girls on the phone right now...she has used fools like you for years into taking her on dates and sleep buddies but no sex...

2. for her to tell you that she doesn't want to hurt you...should say it all. your outclassed in this game with this one.

3. for you to go home with blue ba*lls should say it all also! If a woman really wants you she will give it to you...instead of playing with you.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Clooney,

I am from wisconsin - born and raised!!

Also. I am not negative -- it is the reality that I point out which is negative in and of itself and i am only the conveyor of that reality.

A mathamatical lesson here...

to say something negative about a negative is a positive thing

to say something negative about a positive thing is negative

to say something positive about a positive thing is positive

to say something positive about a negative thing is negative

Do you understand?

Holding to this standard I am a devout optimist!!!

 

[RY]

Like I said originally I knew I f*cked up, you know its just a mistake I have to deal with. She ws a really cool girl to hang out with but I know now that she was just another girl and that I played it all wrong. The reason I dropped the bomb on her, was again I was tired and fed up with her because I have to get out of bed at 4 am to drive her home. Then she keeps asking those stupid questions like are you mad, oh are you tired whats wrong? Then she says do you have something to say? Of course I'm gonna tell her that I'm not trying just to get in her pants, because I wasn't (call me crazy but I actually liked her as a person, plus I met her through a mutual friend so I couldn't totally screw her over) and I told her that if she wants to see me again there has to be more than just ending the night with blue balls, and that there is NO WAY we would just be friends. Tell me that isn't what any of you guys would do? I never told her I wanted a relationship with her, I told her that there is potential for it, but that I wanted us simply to continue to see each other, that night just before she actually asked me out the next day. So maybe I should have clarified that stuff up seeing as how that is what everybody is nailing me on. But I thank you guys for the help its great to hear that you guys have experience here and can sound off on this topic. I know I let some of the power slip, but by no means was I trying to give her all the power, she knows now that if she sees me again there has to be something more.