I keep throwing away LTRs

[bugsquish]

I looking for some feedback, see if anyone else can remotely associate with my problem, or have some insight. First a question: do you have the ultimate goal of finding "the one"? Do you think that you would lose interest in other women if you find her, or will you still have a desire and an interest, but with a struggle, keep it under control?

I can't tell if I'm just a complete loner who can't get so close to a girl, or otherwise a total sexual reprobate who cannot possibly, ever, be satisfied by one woman. I suspect it's partly both. So I really feel condemned to be lonely as I am just now.

My last 3 girlfriends (going back over 10 years) have been beautiful, sexy, interesting, fun, loyal, everything a guy could ask for in a girlfriend. And each time for the first year or so I could reciprocate the feeling. But then I started to get this feeling that
1) they were starting to annoy/bore me
2) we were spending too much time together and I start to feel trapped and wanting some time on my own to 'develop' myself, and
3) hmm other girls start to look mighty interesting.

The final outcome is inevetably a massively painful breakup and broken hearts all round. I lose the girl and suddenly realise that I've let all my friends drift away in the meantime. And here I am again, and here is where the cycle would usually repeat. But I don't want to go through this all again. I really miss my recent ex. I love her. I know she would take me back, but I know it would go through the exact same process again and I don't want to do that to her. I have slept with a few other girls and sex is definitely better within a relationship when you know someone and are more comfortable. But I know points 1, 2 and 3 would come and kick me in the face again.

I know I'm rambling now. Not really sure my point. If I wanted to be in a relationship I would be with her. If I could turn off my libido and not get bored of the same girl I would do that. Instead I am actually seriously thinking about getting involved with the porn industry. I think I may have a problem.

 

[KontrollerX]

" do you have the ultimate goal of finding "the one"? Do you think that you would lose interest in other women if you find her, or will you still have a desire and an interest, but with a struggle, keep it under control?"

No.

The one is a societal generated fantasy myth of the ideal mate.

No such person exists on the planet made especially and specifically for us.

Once again that is fantasy mind rot programmed into us by the media.

What we have to realistically look for is the compatible one for us not the magical one for us that is fantasy based.

And there are plenty of compatible ones out there but first we must look inside ourselves and really know ourselves, strengths and weaknesses alike then begin looking for our compatible one who will benefit from being around us as we will from being around her. A true partnership of a relationship as it were.

And hey if a compatible one for you is a girl that is cool with having an open relationship so the both of you don't get bored just having sex with eachother search for that girl. Do everything you can to find that girl as you are just wasting your time and other girl's time by not identifying what it is that you want exactly and then going for that.

"we were spending too much time together and I start to feel trapped and wanting some time on my own to 'develop' myself, and"

This is not the girl's fault.

Sorry to say it brother but I'm just telling it like it is.

You have to establish the frame of the relationship up front and your own personal boundaries in it, if you don't want a girl all over you all the time and you don't like to feel smothered you have to work this out by talking to your girl in the beginning about what you are cool with and what you are not cool with and hold to that. What you both want out of the relationship basically and if one of you disagrees either move on or transition to fvck buddies whichever both of you are cool with.

If she agrees to the frame that you have set up for your relationship but then tries to change you later you two simply weren't meant for eachother and you have nothing to feel guilty about by dropping her then as you have established a frame for the relationship earlier that she fully agreed to.

This is the only honest way to do things.

 

[john paul]

It all just comes down to are you happy with it. You do the right thing by geting out of these LTR when you feel yourself not wanting her anymore.

I think the only unhealthy thing i see there is you need to keep your friends closer. Especially if you have some hard breakups and relationships so you have some guys to chill and relax with.

And I can totally relate to what your feeling. Im in my longest relationship ever(3 months going on 4) and even though shes a great girl and better than Iv ever done before I feel like i want to break up with her sometimes. I feel like i need to prove to myself that i could get another girl just as good as her sometimes. And then i get that same feeling you mentioned, I just get that want of a new girl.

So its pretty natural to be that way. You will settle down when you are ready for it.

 

[bugsquish]

Hey thanks guys. Yea Kontroller you're totally right, societal brainwashing doesn't help at all. Where there's "one" there's more. But thats part of the problem, I'm pretty much terrified of resetting the cycle and going through all of this again. But it seems almost inevitable. Either stay lonely and pursue my sexual desires in the extreme, or allow myself to get so close with someone again - knowing that it will most likely end up in tears (or perpetual forced boredom).

I hear ya on the boundaries too, but it's not easy. They can slip in under the radar! My last girlfriend sneakily moved in with me for the last 2 years. And I never gave her consent to do this. As far as I was concerned she was staying for "a few weeks" while she found her own place, and even that was under duress and a show of tears. In the end I had to move out into a place of my own, just to get the freedom to break up with her.

But I totally agree. A big problem seems to have been letting the shape of a relationship get out of hand and become something I didn't want it to be. That's definitely something I can deal with better in future. At the moment I'm just having ONSs because I just don't want to let anyone get any closer than that.

JohnPaul, totally spot on. If I hadn't done that I would probably not be feeling so lonely. Part of the problem is that I lived in a shared flat with some friends, but she moved in too (without my consent) and I ended up having to move out just to escape. But she's still there with them and I can't really go back. Guess I need to make a little more effort. Going to a party tonight so that's a good place to start!

If you feel that way after 3-4 months, guess it's not really going anywhere. So you staying in for fun, or to give it a go and see if you change your mind?

Cheers,
Lance

 

[Szyzzlin]

1) they were starting to annoy/bore me
2) we were spending too much time together and I start to feel trapped and wanting some time on my own to 'develop' myself, and
3) hmm other girls start to look mighty interesting.

I only spend about 2-3 nights/wk with the ltr. spend anymore and you might be overdoing it. Alot of girls look interesting... you're a guy. Try getting an interesting career... that way girls are just a side show

 

[DonGorgon]

The LTR concept is like the bible - obsolete.

 

[Lishy]

I honestly belive that no 2 people are meant to be together forever!

It is not a nice thought but I believe that the people who do stay together do it for the kids, the morgage, the living arrangements, finances and so on.

You should not stay single because you are scared that you will get bored, that is a given! You WILL get bored BUT when you have kids, share a home and stuff then you will try harder and not bail so easy.

You are normal IMHO!

Be happy!

 

[DonGorgon]

I honestly belive that no 2 people are meant to be together forever!

It is not a nice thought but I believe that the people who do stay together do it for the kids, the morgage, the living arrangements, finances and so on.

You should not stay single because you are scared that you will get bored, that is a given! You WILL get bored BUT when you have kids, share a home and stuff then you will try harder and not bail so easy.

You are normal IMHO!

Be happy!

People will bail anyway but when you complicate it with kids and houses then you loose more when you break up...

 

[bugsquish]

Okay, my original question 'do you have the ultimate goal of finding "the one"?' seems a little obsolete. But it seems relevant to ask instead: do you have the ultimate goal of finding perfection? I guess it comes down to thinking I can always do better. I think there must be a point where it just isn't possible to do any better and thinking otherwise sabotages your life.

 

[Interceptor]

There are problems when a person places sex at the HIGHEST priority of a list in the list of character traits they want in an LTR partner.

Make sure you get involved in LTRs with Women whom you want other things besides sex as your top priorities.

You may want a GF who is more nurturing, and considerate of you.
Or values your hobbies and interests, and you want a Partner to do those things you love with you.

Often , guys end up settling for a relationship that offered them sex, but nothing else.

These guys got drawn in for the sex, but eneded up in an LTR. They are immature, dont know what they want, dont knwo WHO they are, and have weak Personal Boundaries.

Many many relationships are there by Default, rather than CHOICE.

If youre a slave to sex, and will do anything to SECURE your steady supply of it, then you will probably let yourself be talked into an LTR.
Even if you know youd make a horrible BF and dont even love this woman.
And youre being disingenous by staying with her, when you have no feelings at all for her.



Perfection is NOT what we should be looking for already.

Perfection is what we should aspire for the RELATIONSHIP.

There is no such thing as the Perfect woman. Only a woman who is WILLING or NOT to GROW WITH You.

Are you willing to GROW in the relationship?

Your partner should be compatible AND complimentary to you. And vice versa.

Dont always look for ONLY Similarities.

Look for HER VALUES
Look at her CHARACTER

Look at her MATURITY

what are/were her choices in life?

What does SHE Value in an LTR?

WHat Goals does SHE want to accomplish in HER life?

These are things you must look at and make a desicion based on them..

Not how HAWT she is or isnt

Sexual compatibility is a BIG deal, but emotional tools , perspectives, and maturity are so much more...

So dont look for a Static, CONCLUSION in a woman or a relationship..

..look at HOW you two WILL GROW together.

 

[penkitten]

i always say that before you can have a ltr , you have to work on yourself.
find yourself, get a plan for your life together with your hopes and dreams and goals.
build a solid foundation for yourself, or relationships will fail.
once you have yourself on solid ground, the rest will come when it comes.

don't rush it, have fun, be careful and be the best man you can be.

 

[Commando]

Okay, my original question 'do you have the ultimate goal of finding "the one"?' seems a little obsolete. But it seems relevant to ask instead: do you have the ultimate goal of finding perfection? I guess it comes down to thinking I can always do better. I think there must be a point where it just isn't possible to do any better and thinking otherwise sabotages your life.

Interceptor made an excellent post.

Of course you are sabatoging your failed relationships by not mentally and emotionally investing your share. Also, you should be discerning about with whom (character wise) you choose to invest with. Make sure you are also exhibiting the character that is needed to sustain and build.

If you can (both) grow, respect and love each other along the way then you have a shot at the "perfect" dynamic for you two.

It is a matter of communication and mutual respect, combined with selecting (and being) the right partner. Yes, there will be ebbs and flows of emotions along the way, but I do believe with the right dynamic this builds into something far more intimate and good then giving up/sabatoging and starting over (again and again).

A great relationship is built small bits at a time ...over time. It is a wonderful thing if you have 2 invested souls that truly care about each other.