I just realized the biggest mistake I make with women

[STR8UP]

Actually, I have known this for awhile now, but it didn't really hit me until today.

I need to maintain a sexual "frame" when I am around women.

It's not that I am incapable. I do it all the time with women I know. I just need to train myself to never really turn it off. My mind is pretty active and I get preoccupied thinking about business and such, I just don't keep that "essence" about me sometimes when I should.

Contrast this to a guy I met a few months ago at a convention.

We sat down at a restaurant bar to grab a drink and something to eat, and as soon as we sit down this dude has already painted a target on the female bartender. He started saying stuff that I thought was going to get him slapped. Stuff about how he's sure she isn't into her b/f, how she should be single, on and on he went.

At first this chick was taken aback and basically called him "rude" right to his face. But the funny thing is, within ten minutes she was hanging around us waiting for "approval", for lack of a better term.

Basically, this guy never turns it off. It oozes out of him.

Now I don't care to be THAT guy, but I know there is a happy medium.

The final straw was tonight at work. We were doing a photo shoot with a hot ass little latina model that my photographer buddy met at a club.

When we were finishing up, my buddy says to me and the model "Ok I need to get a picture of you two for the site" We joked around for a minute, and I told her that it probably wouldn't be going anywhere near the website cause I just do not take good pictures. To which she smiles and replies "Well then, what ARE you good at".

I was caught off guard and kinda blew it off, but then she asked again. I honestly didn't see it coming. I mumbled something about "business, I guess" and that was that.

So of course two minutes later after I walked away I'm thinking what a dumbass I am. This chick was trying to flirt with me and I completely dropped the ball.

I know better than to take these models too seriously. This isn't the first time that one of them has flirted, and I know that most of it comes from their natural "instinct" to bat their eyes at the guy who looks like he's pulling the strings, but I finally realized at that moment that I could do 10X better with women without even really trying, if I were to maintain the proper attitude when I am around them.

 

[ketostix]

I agree with your analysis. Sometime ago I said that I thought you played the disinterest and "push" part of push/pull well, too well, but you should add more of the pull. Showing a sexual interest and intent by flirting and using innuendo would be a good way to show interest and to pull.

 

[STR8UP]

I honestly think that my mind just gets too preoccupied with thoughts that I need to make it second nature that when I am around women I need to free up a few brain cells to devote to that.

I think it works the same for women as well.

I was out a couple of weeks ago and a semi-attractive chick starts a convo with one of my friends. I did talk to her a bit, but for the most part my mind was somewhere else. Then her friends walk up, and everyone gets introduced, and I notice that one of her friends was kind of the equivalent of ME at that point. It just looked like her mid was elsewhere instead of where it should have been which was right there focused on making friends and having a good time. And when you give off that vibe, it's an uphill battle trying to get anywhere with women.

I would be happy for now just getting to the point where I was ready with a witty comeback instead of getting caught with my pants down, cause if you are in that frame the comebacks are already on the tip of your tongue.

Just need to be more conscious of the right things in a given environment, i guess.

 

[Jeffst1980]

I don't think that's necessarily a problem. If we spend all our time in "seduction mode," we'd find that a lot of key areas of our life would fall by the wayside.

Sometimes I honestly can't be bothered to game up a chick if i'm preoccupied with something else...a lot of times i'll kick myself later, but what I find is there's no reason to decry a missed opportunity when you can easily go out and create new opportunities.

I will allow that switching into "seduction mode" mid-interaction is REALLY difficult to do smoothly. You've got to be "on" from the getgo.

 

[Tazman]

I honestly think if you had a "target", you'd be in that mode without any preparation. I can think of times when I was caught off guard but in the end I think my reaction was genuine. Would I have really gone for it or did I simply not have enough time to contemplate it?

 

[STR8UP]

I honestly think if you had a "target", you'd be in that mode without any preparation. I can think of times when I was caught off guard but in the end I think my reaction was genuine. Would I have really gone for it or did I simply not have enough time to contemplate it?

That's what I am saying. It's when you DON'T have a target that you aren't prepared.

A lot of times this happens when I am working. I don't even have to be actually doing something important, I'm just not in tune to that kind of "socialization". Maybe these models pick up on that and wonder why I'm not drooling over them being half naked in front of me like every other schlub would be.

Seriously....this happens a lot when I work with these really good looking women. I had one of them inviting me to come hang out with her after I got done at a show a couple of months ago. Granted, my reply was genuine (I was going to be working late and I would be TIRED AS HELL by then) but I could have at least expressed interest BACK by giving a counteroffer. Once a chick gets shot down once its pretty much done.

I don't think that's necessarily a problem. If we spend all our time in "seduction mode," we'd find that a lot of key areas of our life would fall by the wayside.

Sometimes I honestly can't be bothered to game up a chick if i'm preoccupied with something else...a lot of times i'll kick myself later, but what I find is there's no reason to decry a missed opportunity when you can easily go out and create new opportunities.

I will allow that switching into "seduction mode" mid-interaction is REALLY difficult to do smoothly. You've got to be "on" from the getgo.

I don't think you have to stay in seduction mode, but I think some guys are better at using their peripherals. Focus on one thing but always have your eye out for opportunities.

The problem is, I'm not into the whole "get a dozen phone numbers this week, manage to get ahold of three, set up a date with two and one ends up flaking" style of dating. I probably should be more proactive at times, but that doesn't appeal to me. That's why I get pissed at myself when it's right in front of me and I miss my cue.

 

[Ballie]

Must be nice to be spoiled for choice and fvck who ever you want. Us troops are still battleing it out in the single's trenches - Though being a DJ makes it a lot, lot easier especially here in SA where there are not so many Hollywood stud men around.

I take the opportunity of honing my skills with every young bit of fluff I can but merely to flirt with them as you never know when you will get a strike and then age isnt an issue any more.

How can you catch a fish if your bait isn't in the water?

 

[mrRuckus]

I'm not sure what is meant by a sexual frame.

To which she smiles and replies "Well then, what ARE you good at".

Tee hee! I'm good at doin it!.. bleeeehh..

I feel like a retard turning every comment into something sexual because most of the jokes about that are so blantantly obvious that any monkey could make them.

this dude has already painted a target on the female bartender.

Do I need to work on and get over this? I tend to not bug bartenders, store employees and waitresses because I have it in my head that they are annoyed by guys constantly bothering them. Any other girl is fair game, but I feel kind of silly lining up to be yet another customer hounding her. That might not even be accurate.

 

[SharpGame]

Tee hee! I'm good at doin it!.. bleeeehh..

I feel like a retard turning every comment into something sexual because most of the jokes about that are so blantantly obvious that any monkey could make them.

Yep, being blatantly sexual would spoil the sexual tension in the air. A simple "Wouldn't you like to know" with a confident devilish look in your eye would work.

 

[speed dawg]

I think your biggest mistake is that you think too much about it. Too much analyzing.

 

[DavenJuan]

I think your biggest mistake is that you think too much about it. Too much analyzing.

i dont think its a over analytical approach hes taking to this. there are alot of times when we are in situations were we would have liked to handle things a bit different. he just identified what he felt he was dropping the ball on.

and most of us fall into this same catorgory. there is nothing wrong with being a "business minded person", but what he identified is that maintaining a SEXUAL frame isnt something that we should TURN ON, and TURN OFF. its something that should be oozing from your body language, your speech, your mannerisms ALL THE TIME.

that doesnt mean making sexual comments, being rude, and sticking your hand up her skirt when she walks by, but always remembering that every interaction is a OPPORTUNITY.

 

[STR8UP]

I think your biggest mistake is that you think too much about it. Too much analyzing.

When you are caught off guard, there is no analyzing. It's exactly the opposite.

Tee hee! I'm good at doin it!.. bleeeehh..

I feel like a retard turning every comment into something sexual because most of the jokes about that are so blantantly obvious that any monkey could make them.

The proper resonse (or one of them) that I thought of two minutes later (of course) would have been "I don't know you well enough to talk about things like that baby"

Not overtly sexual, but she will get the message. And I can say that with 100% conviction. I just didn't have the words at the right time.

Do I need to work on and get over this? I tend to not bug bartenders, store employees and waitresses because I have it in my head that they are annoyed by guys constantly bothering them. Any other girl is fair game, but I feel kind of silly lining up to be yet another customer hounding her. That might not even be accurate.

The point was, and again, I don't necessarily want to be this guy. I DON'T want to be this guy, but he separated himself from everyone else by NOT hitting on her. Well, he was, but not in typical fashion. He was basically digging at her insecurities, and he found them. the chick comes back over later and says something like "Funny you should say that" (responding to one of his "rude" comments) "because my boyfriend and I just had a huge fight today". And that was that. She was all into it.

I honestly think the guy got lucky with his observation, although how lucky do you have to get predicting that a chick isn't 100% happy with her b/f, and he hit the nail on the head and she took the line.

 

[MoveYourAss...]

Let's get physical, physical....

A: Probably unnecessary, but for others: stop maesterbading, or reduce to once every 2 weeks or so. This will do wonders for your sexual aura. No kidding, do it.
The Pro-Version: Do it almost the whole way, but do not come. Do this repeatedly. After a few days your balls will start to hurt (slightly). As far as I know and my experience reaches, there is no danger as long as you come every month or so. Never lasted that long for me, though. You can do the same having real sex, of course.

B: Get inspired. Regularly. I do not recommend pourn, though. Try the books of Nancy Friday: "Men in love" or "women on top". I prefer the latter. Highly recommended.

C: Do Kegel-Excercises, and focus your awareness on your jewels and root chakra region in general while doing it. Not just by the way. Regularly. Deep relaxation / meditation with awareness focus on genitals and root chakra in general also helps a lot.

D: While walking somewhere, LET (as opposed to "trying hard to") your awareness move to your jewels again, and move from there. Be aware of your BALLS. And welcome them in your life. Relax the tense parts. For me: often shoulders, throat, face.

E: Allow yourself to fantasize seeing a girl you like and look at her with the "I can sex you goooood"-vibe. Like: Teasing her two steps forward, one step back, until she simply can not longer hold her delicious pride and begs you to finally fvck her. Send her a look like that, with a smile. They LOVE it. You then have to act, too, of course, if appropriate. If not, this can still make her (and your) day. Alternatively, according to the situation: Be careful baby, one more step like this and I might just ravishingly take you. Don't be an a$$hole or rapist here, though. Genuine caring for her and a certain amount of playfulness is key.



Potential problems (at least for me):

1. neglecting these (and other basics) when things are running smooth. I get the feeling that "now I got it, why the fVck should I still do the beginners stuff" (same as convo with anything else than chicks I'm attracted to). Before long, I have to start all over. It's quicker everytime to reach heights but sometimes it's hard to actually start the engine.

I believe it's ok to lower the frequency of the basic excercises, but I still have to do them. Work in progress here, I admit.


2. the "oh fVck, all that discipline and work" & stressing yourself about what you "have" to do/be thought/feeling which drives away the fun about it.
a) When acute and you beeing in club or so, just relax and become aware of all the "action" the others around are doing. Works wonders for me, probably because I realise that I don't have to and it's ok like that. THEN it's much easier for me to re-realise that it's actually fun and the outcome irrellevant. Which paradoxically increases output later on.
b) Take a break for a day or two of your routine (excercises, meditation). Don't worry, it's ok. I SAID A DAY OR TWO.



Have fun

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

I need to maintain a sexual "frame" when I am around women.

..........we sat down at a restaurant bar to grab a drink and something to eat, and as soon as we sit down this dude has already painted a target on the female bartender. He started saying stuff that I thought was going to get him slapped. Stuff about how he's sure she isn't into her b/f, how she should be single, on and on he went.

At first this chick was taken aback and basically called him "rude" right to his face. But the funny thing is, within ten minutes she was hanging around us waiting for "approval", for lack of a better term.

Basically, this guy never turns it off. It oozes out of him.

Great posts. Good discussion.

My jaded view on this: Go ahead, read tens of thousands of posts. Pay the love doctors. But I've realized something a while back that sums all the attraction BS in one word.

B^LLS.

Synonyms: Fortitude. Brashness. Gutsy.

STR8UP, I've got a buddy similar to yours. He lays tile for a living, makes a six figure salary doing it, and gets laid like a rock star. His ex was a 10, and he's seeing 2 or 3 10's as we speak. He doesn't internet date or do any of that BS. Rather, he goes to a bar, walks in and acts like he owns the place, and within 2 minutes he is dancing with the hottest babe in the joint and doesn't care who she is with or where she came from.

Psychologically... he's got a huge pair. It's primal. Women respond.

It's that simple.

Every time I've ever pulled it out of my pants on a date (psychologically) - and push the envelope in one form or another - I've ended up getting laid.

 

[STR8UP]

This is a lot like when a girl is making eye contact and smiling and you don't approach her...only it's worse, because she is actually communicating sexual playfulness with you!

I agree. It is an OVERT expression of attraction.

Now, I know that often when women resort to this sort of overt display, it's all smoke and mirrors, HOWEVER, in certain situations, such as when you are perceived to have status, women can and often do become more aggressive.

I've been there, man. It can be surprising when the tables are turned, and a beautiful woman is attempting to put YOU into a sexual frame of mind.

And the funny thing is, it happens often when I am around these models that I work with. You would think I would get a clue and lighten it up a bit when I am around them.

I actually did end up at least making out with one of them after a party one night. She was pretty fukked up by the end and I was living in a loft at the time where her BROTHER was sleeping on the couch, so I wasn't able to seal the deal, but this was with a girl who had given me the vibe for awhile and actually it turned out that one of my employees knew her, so I a "second chance".

This last one though....damn....even the way she said goodbye, I'm pretty sure if I had been on point that I would have been able to at least get a date with her. I told her I was going to hit her up on Myspace to talk about some business stuff so I might have a second chance. I got nothing to lose so I might as well throw it out there and see what happens. DAMN she's friggin HOT too. Columbian chick with nice D's....wow.....I can't wait to get a copy (edit-copy of the pics from the photo shoot...oops)

For me, I think it helps to be in the same frame around women I wouldn't necessarily f**k. That is, older women, ugly women, etc. that you aren't attracted to. I know it sounds weird, but if you maintain a hint of sexuality around women like that, it's like exercising a muscle. That way, when it occurs with a beautiful babe you actually want, there won't be the crazy spike in testosterone followed by anxiety or silence or whatever. And I'm not talking about overt flirting, I mean simply communicating that you're a masculine guy with a pair whom women want, simple as that, and engaging in a little innuendo when the moment is right.

See, I actually do this some of the time. I flirt with women I'm not attracted to. I would just like to make it more of a part of my personality.

Another thing is that when you have a sexual aura about you, it reverberates throughout the room and other women pick up on it. One woman sees another one catching your vibes and throwing them back, it's like flies to a bug zapper. It builds upon itself exponentially.

 

[MoveYourAss...]

Another thing is that when you have a sexual aura about you, it reverberates throughout the room and other women pick up on it. One woman sees another one catching your vibes and throwing them back, it's like flies to a bug zapper. It builds upon itself exponentially.

So you KNOW how it feels. Sorry, haven`t been here for years, literally.

My Advice stays the same, though. What do YOU do?

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

like my wrestling coach in high school said, you always need to have three or moves that you KNOW you can pull out based on the opponants moves.

or when Robin Williams used to do "improve" standup, he'd keep several short routines pertaining to different topics, so when a topic came up, he was ready, and everybody thought he was making it up in the moment.

If you didn't have any specific response, then I suggest keeping a simple log, either written out or on a word file.

What happened:
What I did/said:
What I wish I would have done/said:

If you keep this up after a few months, (tops, 5 minutes a night) you'll have ready material for every situation, waiting patiently in your subconcious to come up and be spontaneous when you need it. It will give you the impression of being totally experienced, thus automatically giving you social proof and sexual desireability.

That's what separates professional athletes from us hacks. Whenever they goof up a shot, they imagine what they wished they would have done, and visualize it, before their next shot comes up.

 

[STR8UP]

^^^^^I actually like this idea^^^^^ :yes:

 

[ZenGodMod]

Sexual frame...come on guys we should know this. Basically it's the state of understanding that we are men. Men are sexual beings that reek masculinility.

 

[KingBeef]

Actually, I have known this for awhile now, but it didn't really hit me until today.

I need to maintain a sexual "frame" when I am around women.

It's not that I am incapable. I do it all the time with women I know. I just need to train myself to never really turn it off. My mind is pretty active and I get preoccupied thinking about business and such, I just don't keep that "essence" about me sometimes when I should.

Dude, I totally agree with you and have the same problem. It's just if I'd keep that "sexual frame" on all the time, I wouldn't want women to think I'm just another aggressive "man*****" out there just trying to get a piece of tail when it's my confidence, yet laid back (reserved) attitude mixed in with the sexual innuendo that attracts them to me, especially in a business/work enviornment....