"I have trust issues." -- Huh?

[Psychonaut]

My first post here after lurking for awhile and trying to cleanse my AFC'ness. I'm new to this way of thinking and still definitely consider myself an AFC. I have no delusions, so please, rip me a new one. For the veterans out there, think of it as a chance to show off how much you've learned. I'm not here to argue, I'm here to learn.

My story:

Met a 32-year old chick at my work who I kind of dig (I'm 25.) She came over two weeks ago and things went amazing (I think, please critique.) Our only plan was to watch a movie, but when she showed up, instead of diving into the movie, I showed her around my house and asked if she wanted to take a scenic walk around my neighborhood and she agreed (trying to be spontaneous.) After the movie we went out for drinks, and she broke the "touch barrier" by having me pull her shirt up and down to see her back tattoos. Something she made sure to tell me she "doesn't normally let people do." I kept my mouth shut most of the night and just prodded her with questions occasionally to keep her talking. A few beers later, some kino is happening and she doesn't mind or pull away. At the end of the night, she hugs me, holds me for a minute, and says, "it was great to have someone to talk to." Oh, and by the end of the night, I was getting some classic body language signals for attraction (dilated pupils, the head tilting, sitting with her legs pointing at me, etc.)

During the week, back at work, I try to play it smooth, not pay her too much attention and just do my thing. She follows me around like a puppy dog, and asks me to call her towards the end of the week. I should have had her call me here, but I slipped and called her, but the conversation went well. More of her mostly talking with me just paying attention and asking questions. Note, I'm notorious for being a sarcastic bastard but in good taste, so I don't hold back with her and make her laugh quite often.

Weekend 2, she makes two plans with me, I make one with her. Friday she wants to go out for drinks again and wants me to meet one of her friends (classic friends test, her idea), Saturday I asked if she wanted to go swimming together -- she says sure and invited me back to her place to swim at her apartment complex's pool and check out her apartment, and Sunday we were supposed to go to company bbq together, her idea.

What ended up happening:

On Friday, I passed the friends test, and again things were going pretty good, but around the middle of the night her body language started changing and she wasn't responding to my attempts at kino, so I back off a little. Her friend ends up getting hammered and when we get back to my place, her friend starts making out with a random guy there (party going on), and she goes into Protect-my-friend-mode. I try to give her space without ignoring her but it's kind of awkward.

Saturday comes, she never calls me like she's supposed to. At this point I swore I blew it. Later that night I get the call and she says she was really hungover and slept really late (possibly true, we drank a lot and she didn't even leave my place til 4 a.m.) She apologized, blah blah blah. This phone call didn't go too bad, as I was able to bring up some emotional topics with her and got her talking to me a lot again.

Sunday comes, again, she doesn't call early like she's supposed to, but calls just as I'm showing up to the BBQ she asked me to take her to, feeding some **** about how she has laundry to do and Saturday was a wasted day, whatever. At this point I'm just annoyed and don't really give a **** if she doesn't like me anymore or not, so I'm kind of short with her on the phone, note, not angry or rude, just not "How is your day going?" small-talk stuff.

The next day at work (today) I say hi and I'm polite, but don't try to strike up a conversation with her like I normally do. The day goes by, I do my thing, and at the end of the day she comes to the back where I work (out of her way) to wish me goodbye and tells me she wants me to call her. At this, I shake my head, put my hands up and say, "Nah, you can call me if you want." She seems a bit taken back by this, but then giggles embarrassingly and walks off.

She calls me tonight and asks if I'm angry with her. Haha, win (I think?). On the inside I'm smiling, and now I get to ask her, "Oh, why would you think that?" I tease her a bit more relentlessly than I normally would and she seems to like it, the call is going well. We get to talking about more emotionally charged stuff and past relationships.

Turns out she was with a guy on and off for 8 years. They were engaged at one point, but finally called it off because "he's an ******* and a douche bag." *rolls eyes*

Then this happened:

Her, "I think the world of you. You're smart, funny, sexy..."

Me, "Keep going." I interrupt

She laughs, "I want to take it slow, I just have trust issues.."

The conversation stays light and flirty til the end, where I drop the jerk act just enough to wish her "sweet dreams." I can practically hear her smiling when she responds with good night.



HELP?!

Am I already fcked and I don't realize it?

Even if I am, what did I do right and what did I do wrong?

If I'm not fcked, what should I be wary of from here?

I realize I was *almost* too eager, but I've got her apologizing and chasing me again, for now it seems, how do I keep this up?

And how the fck do I deal with "trust issues"?


Sorry for this book of a post. Hope some DJs out there can help a budding AFC.

Last thing, as far as my mental state goes, I want things to go well with this girl, but I'm trying to keep her off a pedestal and remind myself that whenever I'm with her or talking with her, I have an answer to the question, "How else could I be enjoying my time?" Trying to "treat her like everyone else."

 

[Igetit!]

To be honest man,you seemed to do pretty good overall. The bad part is that the few mistakes you did make could undo all the good you did. I like the fact that you showed her around your house and walked around the neighborhood.
That was good-no,beautiful. The fact that you showed around your house without hitting on her generates trust and comfort in her towards you.
However,where I think you went wrong is having comfort without attraction first. If you have an excess of comfort with little or no attraction,well guess what happens? That's right,a one way ticket to the friendzone. I'm not saying that you are there yet,but there were a couple of things that let me know that you are either there or on your way. First,when she said,"It's great to have someone to talk to".Second,when you say that you keep talking to her about emotional stuff and past relationships. You'll want to be careful with this kind of talk. Too much of it,and she'll see you as one of her "girlfriends" instead of a potential boyfriend. That thing you said about her calling you instead of you calling her was gold man,pure gold. It's easy to tell when you do something right because she'll have a shocked/I can't believe you said that expression on her face.

That thing she said about having issues was a crock.though. Don't believe it for one second man. Think about it. If a beautiful woman was interested in you,but you had had some bad experiences in the past with women,would you say to her,"I think you smart,sexy,and a total knock out,but sorry,I have trust issues? Of course not. I wouldn't say it's completely over,but tread lightly my friend.

 

[Psychonaut]

To be honest man,you seemed to do pretty good overall. The bad part is that the few mistakes you did make could undo all the good you did. I like the fact that you showed her around your house and walked around the neighborhood.
That was good-no,beautiful. The fact that you showed around your house without hitting on her generates trust and comfort in her towards you.
However,where I think you went wrong is having comfort without attraction first. If you have an excess of comfort with little or no attraction,well guess what happens? That's right,a one way ticket to the friendzone. I'm not saying that you are there yet,but there were a couple of things that let me know that you are either there or on your way. First,when she said,"It's great to have someone to talk to".Second,when you say that you keep talking to her about emotional stuff and past relationships. You'll want to be careful with this kind of talk. Too much of it,and she'll see you as one of her "girlfriends" instead of a potential boyfriend. That thing you said about her calling you instead of you calling her was gold man,pure gold. It's easy to tell when you do something right because she'll have a shocked/I can't believe you said that expression on her face.

That thing she said about having issues was a crock.though. Don't believe it for one second man. Think about it. If a beautiful woman was interested in you,but you had had some bad experiences in the past with women,would you say to her,"I think you smart,sexy,and a total knock out,but sorry,I have trust issues? Of course not. I wouldn't say it's completely over,but tread lightly my friend.

Thanks man. I'm glad to hear the things you pointed out I did wrong are things I also thought I did wrong, which is at least a small sign I'm starting to think in the right direction.

One thing you pointed out that I have a hard time with, is things to talk about with her. I read somewhere around here and have seen it mentioned vaguely that you need to evoke an emotional response from women, so pick "emotional" things to talk about, and this completely makes sense and I've had success with it so far. We've definitely done more than enough "past relationship" bull****, so I want to move on to asking her about more things. I just don't know where to begin.

She loves kids, and we both happen to work with kids, but we've talked about that about as much as you can at this point without it getting too personal.

This would be great generic advice for me in any situation:

What are some of your guys' favorite "emotional topics" or opening questions to get her talking so you can start listening and stop worrying about what to say?

 

[Igetit!]

I think there was a misunderstanding about talking about emotional topics.
It is true that you want to generate emotions in a woman. In fact, if you don't she won't be attracted to you. What I meant about the emotional subjects is like problems in her life. For example,if she was abused as a child,or if someone close to her has died,or if she was in an abusive relationship.I meant things like this. Trust me on this one,you DO NOT want to have these kind of conversations with her. Let me put it this way: if you find yourself talking to her,and it seems like you are being a therapist,STOP!!!
Stay as far away from these kind of topics as you can. Now,when it comes to generating emotions in her,you want her to feel a range of emotions,not just happy all the time. If you make her feel happy,that's good. Sad,that's good. Envy,that's good. Nervous,that's good. Jealous,that's good. Anger,(yes,I said anger) that good. All these emotions are good. However,with sadness,you don't want to linger on it. You don't want her to feel sad everytime she see you. Also,you don't want her to feel fear,you know,like terror,you don't want her to feel that. But yeah,basically you want her to feel a wide range of emotions,but the one thing she must never feel is boredom. You might not believe this,but a woman would rather feel anger than to feel bored.